Monday, December 29, 2008

Let's Build A Fence

This is the sixth post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

One of the more ridiculous plans associated with the politics of fear and keeping foreigners out of our country as a safety measure is "The Great Fence of Mexico". Because a fence along the border of Mexico is going to keep us safe. Seriously. Don't you remember high level Republicans telling us how dire the border situation is because we don't know why those people from Mexico want to enter this country illegally? Never mind that this fence randomly cuts through private property, border towns, and college campuses. Never mind that there is a ridiculous price tag attached to this fence. And that this fence was never finished. But nevertheless, this fence is really super important ya'll because we really need this fence to keep us safe from terrorists. Obviously no one will ever be able to get over that fence.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

R.I.P. Eartha Kitt

When I read about her death, they claimed she was best known for singing "Santa Baby", but this is the song that I associate with Eartha Kitt. Here's to the hottest Catwoman. C'est Si Bon.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Even Barney is Fed Up!

This is a special Christmas Edition of my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

Every year the Bush family has subjected Barney to some sort of Christmas adventure. In 2001, Barney and Spotty tell us all about decorating the White House for Christmas through a series of pictures with really lame dialogue. By 2002, the technology of home videos hits the White House and the Barney Cam is born. In 2003, Barney decides to play ball instead of decorating the White House and leaves Alberto Gonzales on his own to figure out where to hang a wreath. This is also the year that Dick Cheney is removed from the White House Christmas website. Bah humbug! And the scroogery continues in 2004 when they decide not to make a new Barney movie and just post the two previous videos. Lame!

2005 presented a new challenge to Barney: Miss Beazley! This is when we see a glimpse of his temper, temper! Don't worry, they work it out in the end.

In 2006, Bush asks Barney, "What's the plot about?" Why Barney didn't just bite him for his bad grammar, I will never know. But the show must go on. Once Barney decides on a "Holiday Extravaganza" he has to ask for money for his production. This is where it gets even better because in response to his budget request, Paulson tells Barney, "we are out of money." Karl Rove auditions and Dolly Parton comes to watch.

"Holidays in the National Parks" was the theme for 2007 and Barney and Miss Beazley don't disappoint. They do what they can to become junior park rangers and we learn about 50 times that the White House sits within one of our national parks.

Unfortunately, we save the worst Barney cam for last. This one just has a bunch of bad acting (which isn't that much different than the other years), but without any redeeming qualities. It is a bad sign when the Olympic gold medalists are the best actors and they aren't that good.

No wonder it has come to this:

That poor dog has got to be sick of their crap by now.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


This is the fourth post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

On February 9, 2001, Bush used the word "strategery" claiming it was a shout out to Will Farrell's performance. Apparently, the term came to be used around the White House quite frequently after that SNL episode. So much that a trial exhibit from the 2007 "Scooter" Libby trial included the term, in Libby's daily schedule for June 10, 2003, which showed that Libby had a 6:00 pm "Strategery Meeting" scheduled to last 90 minutes. So was it a shout out, or did he think it was a real word? My guess is that he heard it so often, he thought is was a proper word. Nice.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Turkey Bowling

This is the third post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

Once upon a time there was a fool. This fool had an important Daddy, important friends, and lots of money despite running several fool-proof businesses into the ground. This fool also owned 1% of a baseball team. One day this fool woke up and decided to be Governor of Texas (because owning 1% of a baseball qualifies you for the job). The rest is a history (in a long, dark, seems like it will never end kind of way). But what many people don't realize that those of us in Texas could see what was coming. We were entertained in that horrified-that-the-leader-of-the-free-world-would-say-that kind of way, but never surprised by the Presidential gaffes. You see, he had been doing stupid shit the whole time he was Governor. Some people would call it foreshadowing.

Friday, December 19, 2008

A Love Letter In My Yard

[Click the image for more BIGGER!]

As luck would have it, I came across an interesting letter just laying about in my front yard. I've been carrying it around in my purse for weeks. Finally, I scanned it and I am going to share anonymous' love with Marshall for the internet-at-large to enjoy. I am most struck by her concept of spontaneous. Simply brilliant! And for the record, I have no idea the identity of the lovely young anonymous or who Marshall is. For those of you that do not have the patience to click for more Bigger, I have transcribed the letter for you.

Dear Marshall,
I think you are so sexy! How come you don't look @ me when I am in Moody hall comp. lab? I even saw you in the library + you didn't even smile! :( Please be mine. I heart you a LOT!! I think that we might be soul mates?! Maybe we can get together. I will give you a special smile next time I see you. To make it more spontaneous I am not going to tell you who I am!
- anonymous

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Shoes. Shoes. Shoes. Oh My God. Shoes.

This is the second post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series. While this really falls under current events, undoubtedly this will be one of those moments we will fondly remember for years to come.

So while we all await the fate of the Iraqi television journalist that threw his shoes at Baby Boy Bush, we are all subjected to the many videos versions. We have the purist version with subtitles for those us of that are unfamiliar with Arabic (and a slo-mo replay too!):

And the version where the Three Stooges throw shoes and pies and whatever at him. The remix versions and parodies (like the cats and the Austin Powers versions). And now, we are finding that shoe throwing is the new protest. I have been throwing shoes at the president (OK, just my house shoes being hurled at the TV) for years.

But I am a purist, so I prefer Kelly and her search for shoes:

And for the record, I think they should pardon Muntazer al-Zaidi.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Good-bye to you, W!

This country has suffered through long 8 years of George W. Bush and he has certainly left behind a legacy. A legacy of a couple of wars, a failed economy, and the erosion of our civil liberties. You know, little things like that. So consider yourself lucky that you've only known him since he took office in 2001. Lucky you. I have been suffering through the entire Bush years, beginning in 1995 when he became governor of Texas. You know, his administration hasn't been all torture and violations of the Geneva Convention. He left us with countless hours of gag reels and moments that left us going, "huh?" Since we have all suffered through the dark time, let's take a look back at some of the finer moments of The W Years. Over the next few weeks I will be revisiting some of Baby Boy Bush's finer moments.


Wednesday, December 10, 2008

For Sale: Imaginary Sunshine and a Senate Seat

Available to highest bidder - one Illinois Senate Seat. Recently vacated by a Motherfucker that won't help me sell his seat. Ideal candidate has lots of money to pay upfront and two high paying jobs (must be able to employ my wife as well). Looking for someone who falsely believes that there are no clouds over my head and that our conversations will not be subject to wiretapping. Ability to fire the editorial staff at the Tribune a plus. Are you Candidate 6?

Send your briefcase full of cash and job offers to the Governor c/o the Illinois penitentiary system.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Attention All Units

As posted on Campus Watch by UT Police Department on Decembver 1, 2008:


Robbery: Several UT staff members, faculty, students, and Texas Ex's discovered a fraction of a percentage point had been taken and was transported across state lines. The percentage point was discovered north of the Red River at the campus of another Big 12 South University.

The Devil Went Down To Georgia

And so did Ludacris. Actually, Ludacris lives in Atlanta so he was already there. And, yes, his bow was rossened up. Or possibly he is just campaigning on behalf of Jim Martin. As we draw near the end of election season (just a few weeks after it ended) Sarah Palin is back in the limelight campaigning for Saxby Chambliss. You know. The asshat that won his seat by attacking his opponent for being too soft on terror. You know, that guy that lost three out of four limbs fighting for his country. Obviously, that guy was a total loser that lets terror get the best of him. Because that asshat couldn't really attack Martin for being soft on terror (because he has all of his arms and legs?), he had Sarah Palin come and stump for him. Why didn't he get Joe the Plumber too? It could have been a sweet reunion of hate and fear!

So, if you live in Georgia get out and vote for Jim Martin. And please take a friend with you!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

This Is For You, Nervana

I recently got a note from Nervana telling me that she couldn't leave any comments on my blog. I have no idea why this is happening. If I knew things like that, I would be making more money than I do. And more importantly, I would be able to fix this anti-commenting quandary. But during my weekend blog tinkering, I discovered a possible short term solution for Nervana. I found the "reactions" feature that is now at the bottom of each entry. So, Nervana, you can click away until Only Grrrl and I get this whole comment thing sorted. I hope not all of my blog entries drive you to drink.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

How "New Math" Can Save The Economy

"They"* are saying that people spent more this year on "Black Friday" than last year. Personally I have a hard time believing this story. I never go shopping the day after Thanksgiving mostly because large crowds of fools make me prone to rage. However, this year The Pineapple Mom lured me to the stores and I can report no rage. Not even any almost rage. Mostly because of the no people. Which was good because there wasn't much to buy. I walked away with a pair of socks and $18 pants (they were originally $70 -- what a deal!). I hardly think my small purchases really contributed to this big shopping day that the media is claiming. And with the exception of the Walmart where someone died, I wonder where all the people were. Or maybe they were all there. At that one Walmart. Because they weren't where I was. I also have a hard time believing that there is anything in a Walmart that is worth dying over or killing for. But what do I know.

In the end, I think "they" are coming up with these figures using what The Pineapple Mom always called "New Math". I'm not really sure what "New Math" is, although that term got thrown around The Pineapple House a lot about the time I got to high school.** I always thought that's what you accused math of being when either (a) you don't know how to do the math and you need an out that doesn't make you look ignorant or (b) what you call it when dumb people make shit up and claim they got there by using math. Either way, no one can confirm or deny the result. Therefore, we had a great day for the economy even though people only showed up to one Walmart in the entire country.

*I don't know who "they" is. For all I know, it is Bob From Mars.
**It was not helpful to be told what I was doing was "New Math" when I was asking for help with my homework. And then ironic when I got in trouble for making Cs when no one at home could figure it out either. I'm just saying!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

What This Pineapple Is Thankful For

1. I am thankful that we have a smart president. Seriously, it has been hard on me to know that someone that can't even pronounce the word was in charge of the weapons. Hey, Asshat! It is Nu-cle-ar, not Nu-cu-lur. You only had eight years to learn that word.

2. I am thankful that I am not eating at Subway today. I don't want to eat trained turkeys. Actually, I don't want to eat turkey at all. We can all thank ASTRO for that. Due to a medical condition, the Pineapple family dog has to eat turkey and rice everyday. After a while, you associate turkey as being dog food. Do you want to eat dog food for Thanksgiving? I don't.

3. I am thankful that I don't have The Great Pineapple Headache of 2008 anymore. Eight is enough! Especially when you are talking about how many days you have a headache (or how many years Baby Boy Bush was POTUS). It really put a damper on the James Bond movie. I'm not exactly sure what happened. How I was the only one that walked out of there knowing that James Bond drives eco-friendly cars now is a mystery. But no matter how much I love the Pineapple Dad, I will never again celebrate his birthday by watching a really loud movie with a headache like that.

4. But they thing I am most thankful for is Sarah Palin. Like I said yesterday, she really is the gift that keeps on giving. And you will be reminded of that today as you watch the parade, the dog show, and football. Mostly because the Our Country PAC is running this ad:

Personally, I am grateful for the $150,000 wardrobe, the Katie Couric interview, that she could see Russia from her house, that Tina Fey came back to SNL just to be Sarah Palin, Palin Bingo, and for the Great Turkey Slaughter of 2008.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Gobble Gobble, Ya'll!

As I finally recover from The Great Pineapple Headache of 2008, I find that I have missed out on posting some funny blogs. I mean, how about Cheney and my dear, dear friend Alberto Gonzales being indicted! The hilarious part of that story is that the district attorney of that county is under indictment as well yet he continues to prosecute criminals. I guess it really does take criminal to know a criminal! They are all about throwing stones in glass houses in Willacy County, Texas.

Then there is Sarah Palin. She truly is the gift that keeps on giving. And that is a good thing when we are knee deep in recession. But the best part about her, is that we can really just laugh at her without that fear that she might end up in D.C on January 20th. I fully expect that her popularity will fade well before 2012, so these presidential hopes are just a ridiculous pipe dream. I think the republican governor's convention gives some weight to this theory. This downward trend in her popularity will continue especially if she gives more press conferences with animals being butchered just a few feet behind her. Next stop, the moose burger factory!

And the current president has his own turkey story just in time for the holiday. Not only is he a turkey, but he pardons them too. Well, just one. However, it turns out that they groom a number of turkeys for the presidential pardon and the turkeys that didn't make the cut this year will soon be featured in a subway sandwich near you. Seriously. Makes me glad that I don't eat turkey (or at subway for that matter)! If I did eat turkey (or at subway), just knowing that they train certain turkeys to interact with humans and then turn them into sandwiches would make me think twice about it.

Happy Thanksgiving to all and gobble gobble, ya'll!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

My Christmas List

I've given a lot of thought to what I want for Christmas. In light of the economy, I have limited my list to one item. One very essential (and reasonably priced) item. I've picked a shirt that really sums up who I am: a very classy, subtle, yet stylish pineapple. Yep, this is definitely the shirt for me.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Hey, Asshat! You Left The Pickle Jar Open.

Again. This time it was especially fun because it was one of those ginormous jars from Costco. No doubt it was a good deal, but that's a lot of pickles (and pickle juice). Let me tell you, there is nothing better than having pickles and pickle juice come flying out of the refrigerator when you are trying to put away the leftovers from dinner. Thankfully, I can't stand the smell of pickles (due to your obsession with pickles and your bad habit of leaving pickle jars slightly open so the smell is ever-present in the refrigerator) because the whole house smells like a big fucking pickle now. I was also thankful to discover that the stove is downhill from the refrigerator because the pickle juice ran underneath it like its life depended on it. I left it to you to take care of that part of the mess. Hopefully you do a better job of cleaning that up than you did closing the pickle jar.

Looking for Something to Watch Tonight?

Are you tired of the same old shows? Then check out Rick & Steve: The Happiest Gay Couple in All the World. I'm going to. I don't think I can pass up the opportunity to see Lego people sing songs about sperm and go to Log Cabin Republican meetings but accidentally end up at the "K K Gay" meeting instead (one wonders how different these meetings would really be). Did I mention this is a show featuring gay Lego people? The second season starts tonight on Logo, which begs the question: how did I miss the first season?

Sunday, November 09, 2008

So, What Now?

Now that the election cycle is officially over (except in the states that still haven't called their senate races), I'm wondering what I am going to do with all of my spare time. I'm afraid that I'm looking at a case of post-election depression. I now say goodbye to Mayor McCheese and The Runner Up and wonder what I am going to focus on now. My first order of business was deleting the numerous half-finished blogs that I had written over the past few weeks. And you thought I was just blowing off my blog! I just didn't like what I had to say. Ironically, one of my potential posts was about the $150,000 wardrobe debacle. Turns out that it is more like $200,000 of now missing clothes. Speaking of missing, the Mayor has had the good sense to go home and steer clear of the mass movement of throwing Sarah Palin under the bus. Not that she did them any favors, but sore losers much?

One thing that came out of this election. We now know the answer posed in Iowa, who wins: Oprah or Chuck Norris? We got our answer. Oprah.

So now I decide what to do next. Since today marks the three year anniversary of The Pineapple Report, I think it is time to make some changes. That has been the theme since Tuesday night after all. I'm thinking about a new look, a new focus, and finally updating the "blogs i like". All of the things I have been putting off for the past three years. Who knows, maybe it will be the push I need to actually blog with more frequency. Ha ha ha ha! I have certainly missed the boat for that blogging-everyday-until-your-fingers-bleed-and-you-are-forced-to-start-blogging-about-how-you-have-nothing-to-blog-about for the month of November.

I do have big plans to "go back to my roots" to comment on the strange and wonderful world that produces giant lego men, little boys named Superman and 4Real, and little girls named Le-a (pronounced "Ledahsa"). But don't worry, I will still be "reporting" on important things like the wacky world of Texas politics (the new session starts in January) and the Obama girls' new puppy.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Baby Steps, Ya'll

While things are looking good for Obama nationwide, obviously Texas was called for the Mayor. While they are still counting the votes here, this is the thing that struck me: the race was too close to call in Texas for two hours. That is progress. Usually, they can call all of our statewide races almost immediately. We are still a red state, but it seems that red has faded a bit.

Monday, November 03, 2008

We Are Just Hours Away

It was just a little under a week ago that I was in Obama-land. The whole time I was there I was thinking two things. One, that I wished I was going to be there on election night. Sadly, I did not win the front row tickets for the election night rally. And second, I was wondering how the people up in Chicago were ever going to figure out who they are supposed to vote for. Because I live in such a completely red state, it isn't very often that big money candidates run lots and lots of attack ads against one another. Up in Obama-land, all of the candidates are running nasty attack ads about how their opponent was involved in some scandal/committed some crime/voted with Bush. Sometimes all of the above. And then the next ad was their opponent accusing them of the same things. Good luck on Tuesday, Reba and Lauri! You are going to need it when you wade through that long ballot.

Now that I am back in Texas, I am subjected to few ads. Mostly, I see John Cornyn standing in front of a canyon or on a ranch telling me how conservative he is. These ads also explain why he did not ever write me back -- because he likes to stand around in front of canyons and on ranches. Although I felt very hopeful the other day when I actually saw a Barack Obama ad on the TV. Of course, it was on the same channel where I saw that Shannon Bennett of Austin, Texas, had to paint the Obama logo in her front yard because some jerks kept stealing her Obama yard sign. I have also had another small glimmer of hope because a family member that is a Republican is voting for Obama. Could there be more?

And it isn't just up there in Illinois that there are some heated races. It is all over the country. Not only is the presidential race tight; so are a lot of House, Senate, and local seats. This means that your vote counts. A lot. Not only should you vote, but you should get your friends, family and neighbors to vote. Make some calls, send some emails and text messages, change your facebook status, offer to give rides to the polls. Whatever you have to do to get them out there.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

So What Kills A Campaign?

Race baiting. Lies. Nasty campaigning. Basically all of the things the McCain campaign did. Even Fox News has declared John McCain a lost cause. What is amazing is that it isn't anything that he did. It wasn't his lies about Barack Obama, it wasn't his misguided notion that people are "fundamentals", it wasn't the GOP spending over $150,000 to dress Sarah Palin as a "hockey mom", and it wasn't any of his scandals finally biting him in the ass. It wasn't any of the things we had expected. It was a misguided, nut job named Ashley Todd that carved a backwards "B" on her face that did him in. Maybe next time she won't use a mirror when she carves initials on to her face? But seriously, the Mayor and his buddies at Fox news have been pooh-poohing the lousy poll numbers and citing some dubious polls to make things seem winnable for the Mayor.

But now, John Moody, executive vice president at Fox News, commented on his blog that "this incident could become a watershed event in the 11 days before the election. If Ms. Todd's allegations are proven accurate, some voters may revisit their support for Senator Obama, not because they are racists (with due respect to Rep. John Murtha), but because they suddenly feel they do not know enough about the Democratic nominee. If the incident turns out to be a hoax, Senator McCain's quest for the presidency is over, forever linked to race-baiting."

It seems that no matter what the outcome, it will always be linked to Barack Obama's race. For me, it is inspiring that for the first time ever there will not be some old white dude running things. But his race is irrelevant to me. However, Fox news and other conservatives cannot come to grips with the fact that Americans are fed up and see Obama as the better candidate. For them, it has to boil down to race (or race baiting as the case may be).

Saturday, October 25, 2008

This Is So Wrong, Yet So Right

Listen to Henry "Wally" Stopher (a/k/a "Oat Willy") sing about why you should vote Obama.

Monday, October 20, 2008

The Mavericky Pineapple from Texas

I'm feeling mavericky today. I could just wander around aimlessly today and not lift up my arms like my mavericky friend, Bobum.* But I'm a different kind of mavericky maverick. I'm the kind of maverick that stands up against the majority of voters in Texas by voting Democratic. And I'm going to do it today. That's right. Today. I get to vote for Barack Obama today and it feels really damn good. I get to reject the last eight years of failed republican policy today. I also get to vote for some great people running for statewide office that probably don't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning. But that's what it is like when you are mavericky. You vote against the John McCains and the John Cornyns of the world even though you know it is a losing proposition in Texas. But you do it because it is the right thing to do. That, and you get a really cool "I Voted" sticker.

*He will be mavericky in the voting way, too. Just maybe not today.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Joe Sixpack vs. Joe the Plumber

There's been a lot of talk about "Joe". First there was all this "Joe Sixpack" business. I mean is that much better than being "John Q. Public" or "John Doe"? Because that is what they (as in the Republican Fuck Squad) are talking about when they use this term. Joe Sixpack is a term that means all apathetic Americans that don't really factor into their politics at all. They should just be honest and say and "all the Americans that I don't give a shit about because you don't give a shit about me" instead of Joe Sixpack. Of course, honesty is not the strong suit for Mayor McCheese or for Caribou Barbie.

But "Joe the Plumber" is all the rage today. So who is this dude? Well, his real name is Joe Wurzelbacher from Ohio. But this is who he really is: a jackass that doesn't have a plumber's license and has no real plan to buy a business (and that business does not make more than $250,000 a year). Just in case you are wondering, in Ohio you have to have a license to operate as a plumber. I looked it up. And now that everyone knows that he and his employer are operating without a license, he may not have to worry about paying taxes at all when he is out of a job. Also, kudos to the fact checkers working for the Mayor! As always, you do a stellar job. Keep up the good work.

So as Mayor McCheese made his case for "Joe the Plumber" over 20 times last night, he was really going to bat for someone just as foolish, dishonest and irresponsible as himself. That's just neat! In the end, I'd rather hang with Joe Sixpack because he's honest about who he is and, most importantly, he's got a six pack.

Sunday, October 05, 2008


So what would a maverick do? Something "mavericky", of course!

If you live in a market where your local NBC affiliate couldn't work it out with Time Warner, you weren't able to watch the VP debate on Saturday Night Live. I have that problem and frankly, it is too much trouble to unhook the cable and attach an antenna to watch a few shows on NBC, so I've opted for viewing them online. Therefore, I have been a lazy blogger and posted a blog that is basically just a video without any useful or witting commentary. So, for those of you not watching that important football game because you got screwed over, enjoy something you could have been watching last night.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

The Word of Today is "Guilty"

As in O.J. Simpson was found guilty on all 12 counts stemming from a confrontation in a hotel room last year, including armed robbery and kidnapping. He went into the trial acting all cocky like he can break any law in the world without getting in trouble. Guess he isn't feeling so cocky today, huh? Ironically, his guilty verdict came in 13 years to the day he got away with murder. Karma is an ironic bitch, isn't it?

Friday, October 03, 2008

No Bingo For Pineapple

First of all, the debate was a disappointment because I didn't win at Palin Bingo. So that totally sucked. Of course, the downside of playing Palin Bingo is that you have to carefully listen to every single, grating word the Runner-Up had said. This is why I feel like I am an expert on the Vice Presidential Debate. Because I didn't spend very much time taunting and making fun. I mostly listened. While I was impressed with the Runner-Up's ability to actually complete coherent thoughts about issues, I was more amazed that she managed to only directly answer two questions all night. For example, when asked about Pakistan she completely failed to mention that country in her answer. I know this because "Pakistan" was on my bingo card. So basically she had some prepared answers and she gave then no matter what the question was. And then she would wink or say "you know". I can't believe Biden only called her out one time for not answering the question. I guess he doesn't like to repeat himself that many times.

But the most appalling thing was that Biden had to give The Runner-Up a civics lesson. Which goes to show, that they have not fully prepped her about what a Vice President really does and what their Constitutional duties are. Or, she asked Dick Cheney. From her answer last night, that appears to be the case. There were two lawyers in the room watching and we were both stunned into silenced by her answer about how she wants to expand the powers of the Vice President in its flexible role of being part of the Executive Branch (convenient when you want to avoid subpoenas) and being part of the Legislative Branch (convenient when you want to make unconstitutional laws). Maybe she can out-Cheney Cheney by figuring out how the Vice President is also part of the Judicial Branch? Just fuck the Constitution to hell, why don't ya?

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Why Aren't People Talking About These Things?

Everybody is all, "blah, blah, blah, so and so absolutely won the debate last night." Whatever. Let's talk about some of the stupid shit that came out of John McCain's mouth last night. No one else seems to be talking about it so I will. First, he led his opening statement on his "sad note" of Ted Kennedy being in the hospital. Guess what, Mayor McCheese? He had already gone home well before you started because he wanted to watch the debate from home. Way to come out the gate looking like a fool.

But the thing that really sent everyone I watched the debate with in to peals of laughter is when he used the example of the North Koreans being shorter than the South Koreans as an example of how bad North Korea is. Does John McCain have a height requirement to be his friend? I mean his decision making process is a lot like a roller coaster so it stands to reason. "You must be at least this tall to be a friend to the United States." Maybe customs can get some new signs. If you aren't tall enough you can't even come in our country.

Also, we very much enjoyed how he made faces every time Barack Obama spoke, how he refused to look at Barack Obama or even address him directly no matter how many time Jim Lehrer asked him to. He may as well have put his hands over his ears and yelled, "I'm right and you're wrong" over and over. Do people really want such a brat as their president? It seems that the answer may be "no". The poll taken by CBS immediately after the debate indicated that Barack Obama got a big boost among the undecided voters. After the week Mayor McCheese has had, he does not look anything like a president. He looks like a liar that can't make decisions or be a useful part of Senate negotiations. And that's what I thought about the debate.

No Man Can Eat 50 Eggs

RIP, Paul Newman

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Dirty, Unnecessary Lies

At this point, my level of disgust has reach new, unprecedented heights. It is a real shame that my migraine has kept me from the gym for the past few days. My ass would be so small if I could have worked out! You know, Baby Boy Bush and his "bailout" just weren't bad enough. The thought of giving him another blank check is enough to give me a brain aneurysm.

Next, we were subjected to Sarah Palin attempting to get foreign affairs experience by meeting with world leaders. The content of those conversations basically amounted to how pretty she is. No wonder they wanted to keep the reporters out and only let the photographers in. At this point, she has only shown us that she and Condi are really good at the matching chair photo op thing.

But the real low(so far this week)? Lying to David Letterman. What the hell is that about, Mayor McCheese? You say you are suspending your campaign and flying immediately to Washington. So what do you do? Meet with your new redneck-hating pal (Lady Lynn Forester de Rothschild), not to mention few other political appearances in NYC, and then you give an interview to Katie Couric at the same time you had been scheduled to be on Letterman. I'm sure that this is exactly how you suspend a campaign when you use the John McCain definition of "suspend". It seems that his poor academic record is taking its toll because the Mayor is completely unaware of the the plain language meaning of basic words (like "fundamentals" and "suspend" for starters). But I have some advice (other than buying a fucking dictionary): stop telling lies, Pinocchio, because your nose is growing! And in case you missed it, here is David Letterman:

Thursday, September 18, 2008

It Is Time To Play "Name That Senator"!

Who made the following statements today made about Sarah Palin? And these were made even before we got to see her "enlightening" interview with Hannity where the two of them only were allowed to use the words "reform", "ruffle feathers" and "cronyism" the entire time.* See if you can Name That Senator!

1. "She doesn't have any foreign policy credentials. You get a passport for the first time in your life last year? I mean, I don't know what you can say. You can't say anything."

2. "I think it's a stretch to, in any way, to say that she's got the experience to be president of the United States."

3. "I think they ought to be just honest about it and stop the nonsense about, 'I look out my window and I see Russia and so therefore I know something about Russia,'" he said. "That kind of thing is insulting to the American people."

4. "But I do think in a world that is so complicated, so interconnected and so combustible, you really got to have some people in charge that have some sense of the bigger scope of the world. I think that's just a requirement."

If you answered Republican Senator Chuck Hagel to all of the above, then you would be 100%, exactly right!

*Won't it be fun when Tina Fey comes back to SNL to reprise her role as Palin?!?

The Palin of Spain Falls Mainly on McCain

Did you know that Spain is apparently in Latin America? And that McCain won't commit to meeting with the Prime Minister of Spain? You know, one of our few remaining allies? In an interview with a Spanish media outlet, he seemed awfully confused about where Spain might be located and he never really answered the question about meeting with Zapartero. Instead he started talking about only meeting with people that are friendly to us and are in Latin America. He also talked a little about Mexico. I guess you can't expect much from people that are supported by people that call people "rednecks". You could use "the googles" and listen to the whole interview, or just read this excerpt and really get a grasp on the interview:

INTERVIEWER: OK, what about Europe? I'm talking about the president of Spain.

McCAIN: What about me what?

INTERVIEWER: Ok, are you willing to meet with him if you are elected president?

McCAIN: I am willing to meet with any leader who is dedicated to the same principles and philosophy that we are for human rights, democracy and freedom, and I will stand up to those who are not.

Mayor McCheese's camp responded by saying that he meant to answer the question like that. I guess his keepers don't know where Spain is either.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I Own An Insurance Company!

And if you paid your taxes, so do you! Isn't it super neat to know that you own an interest in 80% of A.I.G.? I don't know about you, but I really like having a mandatory financial portfolio. Especially one that invests strictly in black holes of debt. That is what living in a capitalistic market is all about, right? It looks like there is a possibility of WaMu and Stanley Morgan being featured as apart of my brand new mandatory portfolio. All made possible by the Deregulation King, Phil Gramm (you know the guy "not" still advising John McCain on the economy)! And the other great thing about my new mandatory portfolio? It is good for my ass.

Monday, September 15, 2008

The Day The World Stood Still

How about Mayor McCheese and Public Enemy #2 (Phil Gramm, only second to slow-acting Greenspan)? After the big fun on Wall Street this morning, the Mayor kept on the track set out by Phil Gramm (his secret economic advisor and front runner to be Secretary of the Treasury) telling us that the fundamentals of the economy are strong but that he would clean up Wall Street. You may recall Phil Gramm as the one who made our mental recession possible (and would be a good bet to lead us into a DEPRESSION should the Mayor appoint him to the aforementioned Cabinet position). He is also the one that called you a whiner because you can't afford luxury items like food and gasoline.

When Joe Biden fired back at the bullshit (I'm so glad he is back in the game), the Mayor backpedaled by saying that workers are the fundamentals of the economy. If you say so, Mayor, but I've never heard of people being described as being "fundamentals". I think it is definitely a sign of mental recession when the stock market drops 500 points after we learn that the financial sector is collapsing slowly but surely. By the way, The Runner Up was campaigning in La-la-land where she spouted off that she was glad that the government didn't spend any money bailing out Lehman today. Guess what? The stock market only dropped 500 points (the biggest drop since the markets opened after 9/11) because the government is releasing tax payer dollars to soften the blow, bitch.

And what a big week for Tina Fey, I mean Sarah Palin. Unless you have been asleep since Saturday night, you know that Tina Fey did an outstanding job of playing The Runner-Up. In fact, the dumbasses on Fox & Friends thought it was great, too. Were they not paying attention to what was going on? They think it was the best impression ever done on an episode on SNL. I just about fell over when "Hillary" started talking about how she is absolutely opposed to the "Bush Doctrine" to which "Sarah" giggles that she doesn't know what that is. No shit. And just in case you were wondering, the skit was deemed "sexist" by Mayor McCheese's advisors...

But speaking of the "Bush Doctrine", by god did The Runner-Up know who was interviewing her. Did anyone count how many times she said "Charlie"? I'm curious to know. Seriously, did anyone take a count? While she did a great job of pretending she was confident it was obvious that she does not know anything about anything outside of Alaska and all of her childhood friends she appointed to government positions. Certainly not Ireland, you know one of the places her staff had to retract as a place she had visited because she was merely on a plane that landed to refuel there and she never stepped of the plane. Also, she never went to Iraq as she initially claimed. Surprise! Another lie! And way to go Rudy Giuliani, trying to defend The Runner-Up by stating that there is more than one "Bush Doctrine" and that even Wikipedia lists more than the one Charlie Gibson cited. However, it seems that in the end even Wikipedia agrees with Charlie.

And the most baffling thing? Karl Rove! The day that Karl Rove says that you've gone too far is the day the world stops turning on its axis for a moment. And that day was Sunday when Karl Rove basically called the Mayor a liar.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

RIP Ruthie The Duck Girl

I was sad to find out today that Ruthie passed away last week at age 74 from cancer. In her prime, Ruthie would roller skate through New Orleans' French Quarter from bar to bar with her ducks in tow. You never knew if she would sweet talk you out of a drink or let you know what a foul mouth she had. It was always always fun to watch her in action no matter what her moos was that day. She often wore a ratty fur coat or sometimes a wedding gown as she skated around. Apparently, they checked her into a nursing home shortly after I left New Orleans in 1999. It is always sad to see a true character like that pass away.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Flee or Die

That is basically what they told the residents of Galveston that if they don't evacuate that they would die. So naturally, only 40% of the population left. I guess this is kind of like the Alamo but with water. So far, half of the island is under water and shit is catching fire. And the storm hasn't even hit yet. Seems pretty dire to me. The predicted 20 foot storm surge is going to put the island under water and then flood several cities inland. But Texans are crazy -- we don't leave our homes even if it means we are going to die.

But as crazy as Texans may be, the newscasters on CNN are even more stupid. Anderson Cooper was reporting live from Houston. First, I'd like to point out that if the people of Houston just think about rain too much, it will flood. So he was smartly telling Wolf that the main concern is wind. As I'm still baffled about this answer, old Wolf poses the profound question to Cooper about whether all of those high rises in downtown Houston have shutters. What? Please insert a smart ass answer of your choice here. You know something like, "Yes, Wolf and as you can see they are frantically putting shutters on some of the country's tallest buildings as we speak. We all know that high rise buildings always keep their shutters in the basement for these kinds of emergencies." It just proves that there really are stupid questions.

Of course they didn't limit their stupidity to Ike. They also announced shortly before my time on the treadmill was up that Barack Obama would be speaking soon and that they anticipated that he would be speaking out against Hurricane Ike. Huh? I'm sure he was going to really condemn that damn storm. They live in a stupid, stupid world in CNN land.

Since I rarely felt the need to speed up, increase the incline, or extend my time on the treadmill; I guess that CNN's reporting on Ike comes in very low on the scale of things that are good for my Ass.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Because I couldn't say it any better

Quite possibly Keith Olbermann is good for my ass, too. Not to make light of this topic, but I had to add more time to the treadmill to watch his special comment on how the Republicans have hijacked 9/11 to their advantage as a political device. It is appalling. It is disgusting. And I couldn't say it any better.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

This Explains So Much

Monday night, the Pineapple Dad and I were discussing things we found while surfing the guide feature on the TV as we often do. I don't know why, but it is often a great source of hilarity. If it weren't for this past time, I would have never discovered the Korean and Mandarin Chinese Olympic Channels. We started out talking about Barack Obama's interview on Countdown with Keith Olbermann, but the conversation quickly deteriorated. So we begin flipping through the guide looking for the worst thing we can find when The Pineapple Dad tells me that if I am willing to stay up late enough I can watch Fair Game. I say, "what's that?" without really thinking. To which The Pineapple Dad replies, "Why its the biggest Cindy Crawford movie of all time!" After offering to read me the description of the movie (I passed because I remembered what movie he was talking about), The Pineapple Dad conceded that this may have been the only Cindy Crawford movie of all time. After the giggles brought on by the shear indignation that I didn't immediately remember that Fair Game was Cindy Crawford's best (or only) accomplishment in acting; I realized that everything I do, I come by it naturally. Inc ase you are wondering, by the end of the conversation, The Pineapple Dad has convinced himself that he needs to record this movie and watch it later at an "accelerated rate".

Monday, September 08, 2008

Why The McCain/Palin Ticket Is Good For My Ass

Because I have lost 5 pounds since Mayor McCheese named The Runner Up as his running mate. Every time I go to the gym, there is a bunch of crap on the TV that I am not interested in so I find myself in front of the one with CNN. Then I start watching Mayor McCheese spouting off about how lobbyists aren't going to be running Washington if he wins even though they are running his campaign. Then I watch the lies The Runner Up is telling about the bridge to nowhere that she took the money for and spent on something else, the plane that she didn't sell on eBay but through an aviation broker at a loss, and the cook she didn't really fire. Then they both tell lies about Barack Obama.* And I get mad. Really mad. And then I think, "this fucking treadmill is going too slow." So I speed it up. And then I get mad about something else, but it is almost time for me to go so I add some time to the machine so I can watch that one last story. And then I get mad and speed up the machine some more. Since I am in a public forum, I can't throw shoes at the TV or cuss up a storm. Instead it becomes an angry walking frenzy. At this rate I am going to be a runner by election day. And I am wildly against running unless I am running for my life or towards a huge pile of cash. What assholes.

* For example, unless you make over $250,000 a year or own a corporation that shipped its jobs overseas you will not be paying higher taxes. You will get a tax cut under Barack Obama's plan. However, John McCain wants to count your benefits as taxable income. Thus, you will be "making" more but taking home less because you will be paying more in taxes.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

The Runner-Up

Meet Sarah Palin, queen of the least populated state in the nation! The Republicans claim she is the most popular governor in the nation with a 90% approval rating! But what does it mean when you are the most popular big fish in the littlest pond? Really, not a whole lot. But the upside of the Runner-Up? Apparently she likes to give the people hugs everywhere she goes! Also, several people have said she is a VPILF. Now, that's hot!

After months of bashing Barack Obama for his lack of experience, Mayor McCheese comes out of the gate with Sarah Palin, the Runner-Up. A choice that really hits this experience argument out of the park. The Runner-Up is a beauty queen turned politician. She has extensive experience running a town of less than 7,000 because she was on the city council of Wasilla, Alaska, from 1992 to 1996, then served two terms as mayor of Wasilla from 1996 to 2002. She was unsuccessful in her 2002 bid for Lt. Governor, but was elected Governor of Alaska in 2006. So what is the next career choice for someone running the least populated state for under two years? Well, Vice President of course. And as Steve Doocy of Fox News has so helpfully pointed out, her foreign affairs experience is extensive:

So now that we know that The Runner-Up is super qualified to take over should something happen to the 1000 year old Mayor McCheese, let's look at the moose meat and potatoes of what she stands for.*

The Environment: We should drill, drill, drill. That is how we make Alaska rich, I mean end our dependence on foreign oil. And greenhouse emissions and global warming are not caused by anything man does.

Women's Issues: Your body is not your own. The government will tell you what you can or cannot do with it. You have now become a vessel for my god.

The Economy: I will tell lies about "our opponent" so that you think that you will be harmed by his policies to make the tax system more equitable. We are all going to benefit from the tax cuts the top 1% get. You do not need your own, communist.

Personal Attacks: I can say what ever I want about you (now matter how untrue or snotty it is), but as soon as you question me that is sexism.

*I will discuss her "record" in a later post.

Friday, September 05, 2008

What Is Something I am Grateful For?

YouTube. Otherwise I would have to watch the O'Reilly Factor multiple times. And who could stand that? Why would I want to watch the O'Reilly Factor, you ask? Well, to see him interview Barack Obama. And how do I know that happened? Well, because I saw this headline this morning: Obama Meets O'Reilly: No One Dies! Here is part one of the interview (and no one dies):

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Mayor McCheese's Big Night Out!

Terror! War! Only Mayor McCheese can keep you safe from attacks that happened seven years ago. Or so say the Republicans through their "9/11 Tribute" and a not so rousing speech from Tom Ridge. Frankly, I don't even remember what he said. We were also treated to a cheesy video montage that had a not so subliminal message that Sarah Palin is a maverick. I think they used that word 68,546 times. Also, they played background music that sounded an awful like a bad version of the theme song from Dallas.

I absolutely loved the video introducing Candy McCain. Up until this point I thought she was a robot or possibly an alien. My theory changes from day to day. But that video changed my mind. She is definitely a robot because aliens don't do the Tokyo Drift. And Cindy McCain can do the Tokyo Drift. After the video, she came on and said, "blah, blah, I can't read a teleprompter, blah, blah, blah. I do not tell clever jokes, blah, blah, blah." Honestly, after you learn she is a robot that does the Tokyo Drift what else do you need to know?

Did you know that John McCain was a POW in Vietnam? I learned that from the video about him. And then, when they started talking about his political career they started playing the pretend Dallas theme song. And do you know what else I learned today?

1. Mayor McCheese has been practicing his town hall style speech for six weeks. I didn't know they used teleprompters in town hall speeches. How folksy!
2. I also learned that "ignore the ground noise and static" is code for get that fucking protester that broke into the convention out of here.
3. He is going to take back Washington. Huh? From the Republican that is already living in the White House. And since he has been shirking his job responsibilities by not showing up to vote, I wonder if he remembers the way. And does he know if he has a home there?
4. Mayor McCheese has been called a maverick. That means he understands that he works for the owner of the NY Jets, I mean the people.
5. Seven years after a group of people that could have been stopped by a Republican administration attacked a building in NYC, we are still in immediate danger and that is why we need to win a war that was started on false pretenses.
6. He claims to know regular people and he claims to know just what it is like to live the life of a regular person. That's because we all own seven pieces of property and all of our fathers are unclear about how many oil leases they own in Oklahoma.
7. That when Barack Obama said he would cut taxes, he really meant that he really said he would raise them. And all of the other statement has made were made on opposite day, ergo, the opposite is true.
8. That Sarah Palin works with her hands and her nose. Seriously.
9. "Drill, baby, drill" will fix everything!
10. Terror!
11. That there were cars when he was 5 years old. Wow! He isn't as old as I thought!
12. That there is a room of fools in Minnesota that believe Republicans go to Washington for "the people" and not for themselves.
13. He was a POW.
14. Because he was a POW he can truly love this country. I guess the rest of us don't unless love it unless we do the things from his pre-approved list of things that show you love this country.
15. His speech made my dog Shirley use her really loud nervous bark for about the last fifteen minutes of his speech. I think I have partial hearing loss now.
16. And that he can tell a lot of lies over the course of 50 minutes.

And I loved it when Andrea Mitchell got caught in the balloon drop from hell! Keith Olbermann called it the political equivalent of a Chucky Cheese. Tom Brokaw called her Andrea "Boom Boom" Mitchell. Awesome.

McCain and Pineapple

Occasionally, I like to obsess about how many people are not finding my blog on the internet. I admit that I have a fantasy that one day my blog will be widely read and much loved by my fans and much hated by my detractors. Without fail, I find that people do some strange searches that lead them to my blog. But certainly not enough to fulfill my fantasy of internet popularity. While it makes perfect sense that a search for "McCain & pineapple" would lead here, it doesn't explain why that was Googled to begin with. I would love to believe that there is some fantastic word of mouth thing going on where something like this happens:

hip & super smart blog reader says, "hey have you heard about the pineapple report?"

friend of hip & super smart blog reader says," no. what's that all about?"

hip & super smart blog reader says, "it is a way cool blog written by this super smart pineapple. she's always making fun of John McCain and it is hilarious! you should check it out."

friend of hip & super smart blog reader says,"I am so going to read that blog when I get home!"

of course by the time friend of hip & super smart blog reader gets home they are all like, "shit! what was the name of that cool blog I heard about today?" and then the aforementioned episode on Google ensues.

Obviously, the people that would read my blog don't have iPhones or this could never happen this way.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

So Who Wears More Make Up...

Rudy Giuliani or Candy McCain? I bet if I had a high definition TV I could see the make up on his collar. And how many times did he use the word "terror"? And does he know any other words?

But speaking of Candy McCain. And the Palin family. And what a hypocrite looks like. What was up with the pass the special needs baby thing that was going on? It is like that baby is some trophy to be used to make them look good. Candy McCain can hold that baby all day long, but I am still not convinced that she is human. I really think she is a robot. And poor Pregnant Teen Palin and her baby daddy. He looked like he wanted to die. And why wouldn't he? The media has been discussing his myspace page on national TV (he said he doesn't want kids -- oops!). And they dressed Bristol up in the most unflattering dress. Was that her punishment for getting knocked up?

But the real loser of the night? Sarah Palin. She did nothing to bolster her position as a viable vice presidential candidate. She spent more time telling lie after lie about her "opponent" than telling the country who she is. But why would she want to? She doesn't want us to know that she is full of shit and the Republicans are trying to sell us lies.* It makes me sick that people don't see or dont' care that we have been lied to for eight years and she is letting us know that if they are elected we can look four more years of this bullshit. And I was so unimpressed that she gave a canned speech prepared by Mayor McCheese's speech writer before he had picked a candidate.

*Wonder what I'm referring to? Well, just when I think I've listed all the things you need to know about Sarah Palin, I find more. Makes you wonder how McCain's people wer able to fully vet her in under 24 hours...

The Return of An Old Friend

Glee. That is the emotion I felt yesterday when I read the story. And I would have written about it sooner, but I had more important things to do (hang out with my girlfriends and watch the return of Brenda Walsh -- it was awesome by the way). My buddy Alberto was back in the news yesterday because a true muse never really goes away. So not only did he violate the Constitution by illegally firing those lawyers (not to mention the obscene hiring filters), but it turns out Al was taking super top secret papers home at night in his briefcase. And he didn't even lock them up in the safe he had at home because he couldn't remember the combination. And when these papers were at work, he kept them in the safe in his office not in the super special top secret paper place where they belonged. Bad, Alberto, bad!

But the most hilarious part of the story was in the article I read on The quote reads, "[r]esponding, Gonzales' attorneys say the former attorney general did not mishandle the classified data on purpose. Rather, he apparently was forgetful or unaware of the proper way to handle the top secret papers."

Well, that makes it alright. So, since he didn't really mean to do it (or he was just too stupid to realize that you don't just leave super top secret papers laying around in a briefcase), they are declining prosecution. Again. What a lucky bastard.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Hamlet 2

"My life is a parody of a tragedy" -- Dana Marschz, Hamlet 2

Yesterday, the Pineapple Family went to see Hamlet 2. We all laughed our asses off. Frankly, I am baffled as to why the reviews are so tepid and why our presence doubled the number of people in the theater. Why wouldn't people want to see a movie that features fantastic songs like "Rock Me Sexy Jesus", "Raped In The Face", and "You're As Gay As The Day Is Long"? Maybe the masses just don't get the funny. We all laughed from start to finish and still had the giggles after we left the theater. Steve Coogan was hilarious and Elisabeth Shue did a fantastic job of playing herself. I've already downloaded the soundtrack from iTunes so I can learn all of the songs. I plan to sing along next time I go see this movie. If you are looking for a good laugh, I highly recommend Hamlet 2.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Reporting Live from Austin, Texas!

That's right, once again this Pineapple has access to the entire internet. Not just the parts I could access at work. First, I'd like to thank those who were concerned about my computer troubles. Turns out that your dogs can only yank the power cord out of your Apple so many time before it just won't work anymore. Touchy little bugger, huh? Actually, the Crapple had been transformed back to its normal state of Apple early last week, but since I am living in such a strong economy (isn't that what Mayor McCheese said?)I had to forgo picking it up and use the last of my pay check for another luxury item called electricity. I picked air conditioning over that other luxury item called food. It's been pantry surprise at my house for a while now. I am eating those canned items you always wonder why you bought them in the first place. Now that I have been eating them, I can't say that I have a good answer. Who needs a can of unsalted garbanzo beans? I still haven't been hungry enough to figure out what i meant to do with that one. But the beauty of living in a strong economy where your paycheck stays the same size while the price of everything goes up, is that you have the opportunity to clean out your pantry in a creative way, right?

Well I am back online and I'm itchy to blog, blog, blog. So much has happened since my disappearance from the wild wacky world of "The Internets". Obama picked Joe Biden as his running mate, the Democrats had a fantastic and historic convention, and then Mayor McCheese picked his beauty queen, I mean, running mate. So let's review...


While I was not surprised Obama picked Joe Biden, I was surprised by the 3 a.m. text message. I guess this blows Hillary's theory that Barack Obama is afraid to use the phone in the middle of the night. And Joe Biden rocks. He made a good choice and can't nobody argue with that.


Monday - Teddy Kennedy is always good. He's really come along way since he stopped driving drunk over bridges. Seriously though, he is a great man that has done a lot for this country and he deserves all the praise and kudos plus some. This Pineapple hopes that they can fix his brain cancer and he can continue to serve as long as the people want him. And Michelle was pretty awesome, too. I think it went a long way to show the people that she will be an excellent first lady. But the winner of the night? Those cute Obama girls! I hope they let the girls do some campaigning because they are super fun.

Tuesday - Was Hillary's night. She did what she needed to do and she did it well. And quite frankly, I got really tired of people implying she was doing it strictly so she could be president one day. One commentator even suggested that she and Bill would secretly vote for McCain in November. Let's be clear about this, I am no fan of Hillary Clinton. BUT these comments about her being too ambitious and having secret hopes that McCain will win are uncalled for. Yes, she was in it to win just like all of the other candidates. I'm sure it is disappointing to come in second. I know I wouldn't like it. BUT I think she was in it for the right reasons and now she want to pull the party together and kick John McCain's ass. And if she had given speeches like that throughout her campaign and steered clear of the negative shit, she probably would have been speaking on Thursday night instead.

Wednesday - Bill Clinton. Blah, blah. Good speech, blah, blah. Of note? His time limit was ten minutes and he took about twenty. But since we all know that would happen, don't you suspect that they told him he had ten minutes so he would give a twenty minute speech? He's like that friend that you lie about the time when you are meeting them somewhere. You know, you tell them 5:30 when you plan on meeting them at 6:00 because they are alway late. And then Joe Biden! It was like he had been reading my blog when he went on the attack of Mayor McCheese's policies. I was at home cheering him on and saying, "I wrote about that, too!" So now, I am convinced that Joe Biden reads my blog and I'm sticking with that no matter how implausible that is.

Thursday - Even Pat Buchanan agrees, Barack Obama rocked the house. And what a fantastic way to spend my birthday. Seriously. On Wednesday, I watched it live when the convention officially nominated Barack Obama by acclamation and was deeply moved. And Thursday really just hit the whole thing home for me. As always, Obama gave a great speech. He made some really great points, gave a solid plan on how he was going to meet his goals, and fixed it so that any one doing negative campaigning looks like a petty asshole. Good job!


Because I am a political nerd, I had an idea of who she was before Mayor McCheese brought her into the train wreck that is is campaign, but had you? Probably not. I figured out he was naming her early on Friday morning (it was the rumor of the private jet flying from Anchorage to Cincinnati late Thursday night that clued me in). When I put my theory to one of the token republicans in my office, he pooh-poohed the idea as being ridiculous. I bet he's glad he didn't take the money bet now.

Frankly, I am so deeply offended by the choice and by her that she is getting her own blog entry. Well, one of many anyway. But let's just put his out here now. What kind of judgment is Mayor McCheese showing when he picks someone with virtually no experience, who's youth really accentuates his age, that he has only spoken to twice previously to making his decision, who is under investigation, and who lied the first time she spoke after being picked? I will leave the answer to you.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Me and My Crapple

This has been a difficult week in the world of Pineapple. For one thing, on Sunday my computer turned off for no reason. I finally got it turned on, made backups of everything of importance and then lost power again. In short? I watch helplessly as Mayor McCheese continues on the campaign trail while I'm left wondering how can I get a new computer to use for the sole purpose of blogging about him. Mayor McCheese is always doing the dumb thing and this Pineapple must remain silent (or misappropriate state resources because she is desperate to blog).

So here are some of the blogs I could have written if I only had a new Apple with a battery that works:

1. Mayor McCheese Changes His Mind (Again): Flashback to Mayor McCheese's joke that he stopped beating his wife. So funny. Not! Now come back to the present day and picture Candy McCain standing by her man with a sling on her arm. She says she sprained it when she was shaking hands with an over zealous fan. Really? Because I thought maybe she ran into a wall. Or maybe she just related to the Glass Man (Amelie reference). But if her goofy ass outfit is any indication, they gave her some pretty strong drugs for that arm. Note to self: start shaking hands with over zealous fans.

2. Mayor McCheese Discovers The Wikipedia: After some speculation as to whether he has really learned how to use "The Internets" or "The Google" we find that he can use "The Wikipedia". After making a riveting speech about Georgia (no doubt his opinions carefully crafted by his campaign advisor that also doubles as a lobbyist for the country of Georgia), we discover that Mayor McCheese is also a contributing author to The Wikipedia. I mean how else could his speech and the entry for Georgia have three entire passages that say the same thing, word for word? And speaking of Georgia, I have also been enjoying the messages that the Georgian president has directed to Mayor McCheese. How nice that he is already owned by another country and he hasn't even been officially nominated?

3. Best Quote of the Week (so far): "I'm tired of being the middleman between crazy and crazier" Keesha of BB10 (referring to April and Libra during her screaming and crying freakout). I love irony!

So, I am trying to get this whole Crapple thing worked out. But until then, my blogging will be limited at best as I am not looking to get fired from my job. Wish me luck.

Monday, August 11, 2008

The Question of the day is: "WTF?"

1. Dan Quayle has announced to Matt Lauer that John Edwards' affair ended his political career. While that may or may not be true, why are we asking some fool without a viable political career himself about the status of someone else's career? He can't even spell the word "potato". I suppose you could argue that he is an expert on non-careers in politics. Matty also asked and listened to his opinions on the "new" Russia v. Georgia conflict. Who cares what this guy has to say about either topic. So I ask, wtf?

2. According's latest news, Angelina Jolie hasn't picked a presidential candidate. And we care why? Has she become some sort of political expert since my Crapple stopped working over the weekend? And is so, wtf?

3. And speaking of president, according to the New York Times John McCain is on phone restriction to keep him from saying stupid shit (like that's going to help!). Apparently, he is prone to adopting the last opinion he heard. And people want him to lead a nation? And to that I say, wtf?