Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Because Gators Need TVs, Too

DPS troopers made an interesting arrest this weekend in Brazoria County. This guy, William Johnson, found an alligator on the side of the road so he loaded it into his back seat. Because that is how normal people would deal with that situation. I frequently think, "I better put that gator in my back seat and drive it around!"

So, then Johnson decided to stop off at a mobile home and steal a large screen TV (Because gators need TVs, too). Johnson asked a neighbor to help him carry the TV to his car, but the neighbor got a little freaked when he saw the alligator. What a sissy!

Because he couldn't carry the TV alone, Johnson decided to abandon the TV in the yard. However, the troops didn't get involved in this whole situation until he did a u-turn on a highway. That suspicious driving will get you every time.

When Johnson was pulled over he notified the officers that he had a water moccasin in the car and that he had been bitten (I guess it was obvious that there was a gator in the car). They also found a Wii controller and a hair trimmer in is pocket in addition to the wildlife in his vehicle. Apparently, the gator enjoyed riding in the car but the snake did not.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Listserves can be fun!

As I was searching for an email with a forgotten password to some online thing, I ran across an email that was sent on my neighborhood listserve in 2005. The email was sent in response to a garage sale purchase that went horribly wrong. I saved the email because I love it when people call out others for their bad behavior in public forums. Besides every time I read it, I giggle. Enjoy:

******* ******** from **** ******** Rd, you caught me totally off
guard today. What you did was totally amoral and I want my planter
back. Once you sell something to someone you have no right to come a
month later and claim you should have gotten more money for it so you
want it back! I must have been off my mind when i gave it back to
you... I want you to return the object to me.
Thank you.
**** ** *******


Sunday, April 13, 2008

I finally did it!

Next Saturday is the infamous shred day. I claimed that this was the year to deal with all that paper mess I've collected over the years. In an effort to put off doing my taxes (and to find more expenses I can deduct) I went through every single piece of paper I have. I started with two file drawers full of old files, three boxes and 6 sacks of papers. I ended up with 4 boxes of shredding, 3 bags of recycling, 3 red rope folders of "keepers", and one small bag of trash. I also found some pretty interesting (and some not so interesting) things mixed up with all that paper. In my fit of productivity found the following:

2 expired driver's licenses;
my student ID from law school;
my rapids rewards card (I was wondering what happened to that thing!);
a book of crossword puzzles;
2 old library cards;
my Social Security card that I signed when I first learned cursive;
a mosaic (see photo);
6 ticket stubs;
a small piece of pink fabric;
8 24 cent stamps;
3 bags from the Apple Store;
return address stickers with my parents address on them;
a "Voice Mail Log" with messages from 2000;
a blank postcard from The Sands Motel in Giddings, Texas;
14 pads of paper;
Elvis tights and 2 pairs of fishnet stockings (one black and one red);
2 Texas Ex Lifetime Member bumper stickers;
3 spiral notebooks;
a notepad from 2000 from the Travis County Democratic Party;
102 file folders;
two micro cassettes;
a AA battery charger;
a promotional letter opener from a custom home builder;
1 three ring binder;
A Tigger Pez dispenser still in the package;
gay porn;
17 manila envelopes;
3 pens;
a stack of bank deposit slips;
one dead lizard;
a blank CD-R;
a small plastic superman;
one AA battery
A battery for a car alarm key fob that goes to a car I no longer own;
a coat hanger; and
The Junior Historian magazine from November 1953.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Plea Bargains Can Be Oh So Disappointing

I was super excited because I got called for jury duty. In the past I was exempt because of school or was just dumped in to the pool of extras. This time I was assigned to a court. I figured they would immediately strike me during voir dire for being a lawyer or I would be in the middle of some super long trial. Either way, I was really looking forward to it. I know a lot of people rank jury duty with having teeth pulled, but I think it would be super fun. I was so sad when the clerk called me today to tell me I wasn't needed anymore. I'm guessing the criminal copped a plea. Stupid criminal.


Tuesday, April 08, 2008

The Republic of Branch Polygomists

Texas has been home to several groups of crazies that have holed up and had some sort of show down with the authorities. In 1993, we had the infamous Branch Davidians in Wacko, I mean Waco. In that instance David Koresh was convinced that God wanted him to arm a handful of nut jobs to take on the evil government and to impregnate all of the women in the compound irregardless of martial status or age. Good times!

Then in 1996, the world was introduced to the Republic of Texas. Richard McLaren believed that Texas was a captive of the U.S. government and that we never really rejoined the union after the Civil War. So after the lawsuits failed he decided that the best way to free Texas from the captivity of the U.S. government would be to take a couple of hostages. McLaren led one of three factions of the Republic of Texas. After another faction was dissolved (convictions for threats to assassinate government officials will do that), the remaining faction set up its government in Overton, Texas. However, the headquarters burned to the ground in 2003. There are still other Republic of Texas groups out there. Even my neighbor and I had a Republic of Texas Embassy when we lived in New Orleans. Basically, we hung up a Texas flag between our apartments and made a sign.

Now we have the freaks at the YFZ Ranch outside of Eldorado. I remember when they bought that property because the locals were freaked out that a bunch of radical Mormons were moving to town. There were articles in the paper and in The Texas Monthly and stories on the TV. I would imagine the locals were counting the days when they could raid that compound. Let's face, not only do they violate our bass ackwards idea that marriage can only be between one man and one woman but we love a good compound raid. Don't get me wrong, I am against the mistreatment of children and forcing girls to marry and bear children when they are 14 is disgusting. But it seems like the compound raids in Texas have taken a downturn in the excitement factor. There wasn't any violence this time around. I will not be watching the Lifetime made for TV movie about this one.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

I'm A Messy Blogger

Although I am not very good about updating this blog, I have decided to take on another blogging project in addition to this struggling one. So if you have ever wondered just how messy a Pineapple can be, then check out Pineapple Takes On Tide to Go. Seriously, this Pineapple is going to kick Tide's ass.