Tuesday, December 27, 2005

jesus and other urban legends

So, I had to go back to Hallettsville today to do more work at the courthouse and this time I parked on the other side of the building. They still have the music about the baby jesus piping out of the courthouse tower, but today I saw the sign telling me where candy canes come from. Not only does Lavaca County violate the first amendment with all of their religion, but they also propagate urban legends about the story of candy canes and the 12 days of Christmas.

Friday, December 23, 2005

I'll have Mary with a side of veil

OK, so those fools can try to explain it away all they want, but how can you not know what a condom looks like even if you don't believe in them? And since when was Mary having a veil of latex a devoutly religious type of thing? Hello! Editors! Didn't they teach you how to read at Catholic school? They sure didn't teach you common sense because they teach you that birth control is evil.

Of course, I still can't believe that the Catholics still outlaw the use of condoms even to fight the spread of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. God wants you to get sick and, while you're at it, please get everyone else sick too! Maybe the condom ban is like a built in membership thing. You have a bunch of followers and then you disallow contraception so they breed more followers. Why recruit new members when your followers can make new ones for you?

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

google me

So if you google "goliath exist" or "MySpace Sucks" my blog is the first hit. What a odd way to find a pineapple...

burn, barbie, burn

I remember my Barbie dolls. Cutting her hair, piercing her ears with straight pins, and sending down the river I made in the back yard. Oh, the sweet memories! Now it seems like the British are suprised that little English girls are destroying their Barbie dolls. Let's face it, Barbie is kind of boring unless you decapitate her and cook her in the microwave. All she can do is change clothes and drive her dream car and play in the dream pool at her Malibu dream house. Although, I did have the perfume factory and I really enjoyed mixing up smelly concoctions. But overall, Barbie isn't fun unless you make her look ugly. I read once that if Barbie were life sized, she would be over seven feet tall and her feet would be so small that she couldn't even stand up. How can you show off your hideous pink fashions if you can't make it down the runway without falling on your tits?

Saturday, December 17, 2005

operation just say merry christmas

I'm glad that some one is fighting the enemies of Christmas by selling cheap rubber bracelets! What makes them even better is that I've seen people on TV wearing them as armbands. Remind you of anything??? So, you better hurry and order your nazi christmas armband ! Christmas is almost here. And don't you dare wish anyone Happy Holidays because that's just rude.

can it be true?

OK. what I'm really thinking is HOLY SHIT! Because I can't believe that the Senate blocked the Patriot Act . Can they really be thinking of my civil liberties? I find that doubtful, but I'll take what I can get. Personally, I like my civil liberties just fine and it is not the government's business what kind of trashy novels I check out from the library.

Friday, December 16, 2005

winning the war on christmas

It may seem like I am a little obsessed about the media-made war on Christmas. Well, first I'd like to thank that gas bag Bill O'Reilly for getting this all started. I have an addiction. I am obsessed.

So, there are some people winning the war on Christmas. We can just skip over the fact that they are waging war on the Constitution. But Jesus would want that. I went to Halletsville earlier this week and discovered that they never got the memo about the separation of Church and State or that there is a war on Christmas. When I got out of the car I was greeted with the soothing sounds of songs about the baby Jesus being piped from the tower of the courthouse. Ba rump ba bump bum. Then I see the best Christmas decoration ever -- a tribute to the Twelve Days of Christmas. As the sign reminded me that the song is based on the Christian faith, I knew that Halletsville had won the war on Christmas.

Another soldier winning the war is BJ Sintay. You can control his Christmas lights from your own home. This is really good for those of us too lazy, too busy, or just too cheap to put up our own. Now we can get the Christmas spirit by messing with someone else's lights. Wheee!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

so that's why she's smiling

So the Dutch have figured out why the Mona Lisa smiles. Apparently she is 83% happy. It makes me wonder what percentage of happiness I am. And what percentile do my other emotions fall under? Perhaps I need to eat some hash brownies to figure out what the hell they are talking about. And if I did, would that change my percentage of happiness?

Enkel maakt het denken over knoeiboel brownies me het Nederlands willen spreken. Natuurlijk, leerde ik slechts hoe te over moorden in de bibliotheek te spreken. Waar zijn mijn sleutels?

please stop taunting us!

Iran, your leaders just need to shut up. Please stop talking about the myth of the Jews' massacre . First of all, that's just crazy. It is proven fact that millions of Jews, gypsies, disabled and retarded people, and other "undesirables" were tortured, starved and murdered. Second, our president thinks you are crazy. And that's bad. Very bad. That's how you have a war waged against you. All we need now is some bad intelligence about your nuclear program and then its on. So, Iran, please stop taunting our war monger of a president.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

thanks to tres chicas!

If you haven't been to the tres chicas blog, you should go. When Lauri isn't busy with exams, she is a real laugh riot. I'm also liking the new thrid chica. Hopefully she can break the curse. And since they put a link to my blog, my readership has grown significantly (of course, it is the average of 1 person a day to 4 but whatever).

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Santa Cookies

Santa Cookies

1 cup of water

1 tsp baking soda

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp salt

1 cup of brown sugar

lemon juice

4 large eggs

1 cup nuts

2 cups of dried fruit

1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup
just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit
gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.
Check the Jose Cuervo.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make
sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.


the war on christmas continues

Now they are stealing Christmas trees! Will the war ever end?

Monday, December 12, 2005

I am so ready for the water to come back

So, when I returned from my tour of duty (the trip to Shithole, Texas and other fine places) I came home to an empty and very cold house. Frankly, I expected to come home to a warm house and I was going to eat some decent food and take a long hot bath to get rid of that motel smell. Instead, it was filthy and cold. So, I'm waiting and waiting for the house to warm up to a bearable temperature (it was a toasty 25 degrees in the house when I returned) so that I can clean the house and follow my plan and then I hear it. There is a fucking waterfall under my kitchen. Luckily, my sweetheart's dad could come over and turn off my water. My sweetheart, on the otherhand, has dropped off the face of the fucking planet. Don't worry he finally showed up and is very sorry. This drama happened on Thursday. It is now Monday and I have yet to hear from my landlord. So, like I said, I am so ready for the water to come back.

Friday, December 09, 2005

the war on christmas

Not that I am religious or anything, but isn't Christmas a war on Jesus? Since when do pagan rituals like Christmas trees and mistletoe honor the birth of Jesus our lord and savior? I don't remember anything about a Christmas tree adorned in tinsel and lights being in that manger. I must have skimmed over that part of the Bible. And something tells me that God really doesn't want you to max out your credit cards to buy a bunch useless crap at the Wal-mart. But then again, my relationship with God has never made it to that level of intimacy. I guess that's why I find this whole "War on Christmas" campaign by the bible thumpers hilarious. Apparently, it is with sin that we tell others "Happy Holidays."

This is just plain stupid. For one thing New Year's Day is a holiday that is not called Christmas, so usually when I talk about more than one thing I use the plural of the word. Should I wish people Merry Christmases? I don't think so. And if I am talking to a Jewish friend, why the fuck would I wish them Merry Christmas when they celebrate Hanakuh. Can't I wish them "Happy Holidays" instead of saying Merry Hanakuh and a Happy New Year? Do you even wish someone a Merry Hanakuh? Is it Happy Hanakuh? Or Have a Super-Fabulous Festival of Lights? Even our stupid, bible thumping president is in the dog house with these fanatics. They are up in arms that their holy leader sent out cards that say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. And speaking of dogs... What they should be horrified by is the ridiculous Christmas video he made with his dogs. "A Very Beazley Christmas" is the worst home video I have ever seen. I wonder how much that piece of shit cost the taxpayers of America. Please go here to watch this piece of crap on the Barney Cam.

So, I wish my readers a Very Happy (enter your Holiday of choice here)!!!

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Its been 25 years to the day

since John Lennon was shot and killed in front of his apartment building. The thing I remember the most about that day is that my best friend didn't come to school because her mother was too upset to drive.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

what's up with those wacky germans?

So first I read about this German guy with really dirty teeth . I mean why else would you need to steal 39 tubes of toothpaste? Does anybody even have a medicine cabinet that would hold that much toothpaste?

Then there was this drunk that fell asleep in the dumpster. He would have been killed by the garbage truck's hydraulic press but the truck driver needed to stop for a pee .

Of course there is the "ostalgie" that went too far. I suppose it is in bad taste to name a shower gel after Erich Honecker, but I think I want some.

But it gets even worse. This German guy got fined for biting a waitress on the toe . Usually when I get a shitty waitress I give her a shitty tip. Or sometimes a note that starts with the line "here's a tip..."

today's word is

Shangri-la \shang-grih-LAH\ noun

1 : a remote beautiful imaginary place where life approaches perfection : utopia
2 : a remote usually idyllic hideaway

This is the opposite of where I am today. Shithole, Texas is no Snagri-la. I'm off to other small towns today, I just hope my next motel experience is better than the one I had here...

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

what kind of bug is it?

So, I'm sitting in my motel room in Shithole, Texas talking to my mom on the phone when I see a wasp buzzing around my room. I tried to usher it out into the chilly night air, but it just wont cooperate. Then I see wasp number 2. Its just a fact of life, there are wasps in Texas and a whole mess of them at that. I get off the phone with mom and call down to the front desk. The woman tells me that it is not a wasp but a lady bug. I like lady bugs. I do not like wasps -- and more importantly, I know the fucking difference between the two. In no uncertain terms I conveyenced this same message to the lady at the front desk. Because this is a do it yourself kinda joint I have just killed wasp 1 and wasp 2. Of course now my room smells like fucking bug spray, but at least I wont be attacked in the middle of the night by creepy, stinging insect.

this would not happen in my part of town

but, then again, I don't live in Oslo. Let's say this happened in the United States. It could be in a big city or in the back woods. If the pizza guy delivered a pizza and you tried to his credit card you would get an instant ass kicking.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

the word of the day is...

malversation \mal-ver-SAY-shun\ noun

1 : misbehavior and especially corruption in an office, trust, or commission
2 : corrupt administration

I think the folks at merriam-webster might have a sense of humor...

Friday, December 02, 2005

today is just a little bit odd

So, this truly superb con artist convinced the courts in Canada to let him off because he has sexsomnia . Pa-lease! "I was asleep" is just a stupid of an excuse as "it just fell in there." Frankly, this woman was sexually assaulted, whether or not this jerk off was "asleep". Put the fucker in jail.

And in other Canadian news, they impounded a car with an 85 year old man still inside . Why he didn't drive away before they could give him a parking ticket is a bit of a mystery...

But something that doesn't really have anything to do with Canada, we can all be thankful that after a two month stay in France Emily the Cat is finally home.

Thankfully, we don't have to read books with bad sex scenes. This year Giles Coren won the award for bad sex in fiction for comparing a penis to a shower. wtf?

And to top off the odd news for the day (well, all I can stand for now) is that Koko the gorilla has a nipple fetish. Naturally, gorillas require that you bare your breast to them. But really the bigger question would be, why did they teach Koko to ask people to show her their nipples?

1000 executions? Let's party!

North Carolina has the bragging rights to being the fine state that carried out the 1000th execution . Frankly, I'm surprised it wasn't Texas since we are so fond of strapping our prisoners to that chair. But what can you do? There's always the bragging rights to number 2000. And that just makes more sense since everything is bigger in Texas. Hell, why stop there? We always have 10,000 to look forward to. So, to celebrate I think everyone should lick their finger and stick it in a socket. Bzzzzzz!

Why shouldn't Shane Stant be a navy seal?

I mean, he already knows how to bust a knee cap. If they let him join, he can save the taxpayers some money on training. He really just needs some lessons on stealth because he wasn't so stealthy when he took out Nancy Kerrigan's knee.