Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Hello! And Good Luck, Mr. President

Over the years, I have spent a good deal of time bitching about the state of the nation. "No, kidding!" you say. Truth is, I'm not even close to being done. But what does go without saying is how thrilled I am about today. I could go on and on about how momentous and historic today is, and how people will remember where they were when Barack Obama was sworn in as president. But we know that. If you've turned on the TV in the past week, you know this. I for one, will be locked in my office watching it streaming on the internet.

Here is the important thing: this man is willingly taking on today what has got to be the shittiest job in the world. Normally, one could view being POTUS as the top prize of jobs, but after eight years of destructive policy that just isn't true any more. So this is what I have to say to you, Barack Obama: thank you and good luck. Because you are going to need it.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Never Can Say Good-bye

Seriously. I thought I was done blogging about him. Then I realized that when I got dressed this morning, that today was the last time that I could wear this shirt with any meaning. And if you you don't truly "get" the shirt here is the scoop: Baby Boy Bush was born in Connecticut in 1946 and his family moved to Texas in 1948. Since then, he has wrongly claimed this state as his own. He is really a dumbass Yankee in boots and has a "ranch" where he raises brush. Now that he will (keep your fingers crossed) stay out of the spotlight and quit giving ridiculous interviews and press conferences, he can fade into the country's history as the shittiest president that ever was a president.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

A Final Good-bye

This is the tenth and final post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

I'd like to start by saying that I easily could have done a list far longer than the top ten stupidest moments of Baby Boy Bush. Let's face it after living under his thumb since 1995, the list could have been a lot longer. Frankly, being governor of Texas and undoing every good thing Ann Richards ever did for Texas was just practice for undoing the good work our Founding Fathers did. And over the course of this blog I have bashed and ridiculed this asshole for a lot of the things he has done so there is not need to go back and rehash it all. Besides it just pisses me off to think on it too much. One can only hope that at this point, he will go back to his "ranch" in Crawford (and Laura back to Big D as I have heard from a very reliable source) and we will never hear from them again. And in honor of all the foolishness I leave you with this: the segwey accident.

This may not have been the most spectacularly stupid thing he ever did as leader of the free world, but definitely one of the most foolish. He fell off of his mother's segway. Just think about this for a minute. If Barbara Bush can ride that thing without injury, shouldn't he be able to? So goodbye, you clumsy mother fucker and thanks for destroying the economy, the constitution, and our relationships with the rest of the world. You will not be missed.

Friday, January 09, 2009

Guess Who's Thinking About Changing Professions?

My old buddy Alberto! That's who! Yesterday I read about how he was going to write a book that tells the truth about the Bush administration. Uh huh. Well, when he's done with that and people start caring what he thinks about things like who the President should appoint to the Supreme Court (because anyone has ever asked his opinion before), he is going to change careers. This was the best quote from the article:

"I'm optimistic by nature. And I'm going to take this experience and things that I've learned and hopefully be a productive member of our community," he said. "I'm very wide open. I've had some people say I'm very fortunate that I'm at a point in my life where if I wanted to do something completely different — be baseball commissioner, for example, I would love a job in baseball, a plug there — I can do it."

I guess this means that when I completely destroy the Constitution and the reputation of this nation, I will be thinking the next logical step in my career will be taking a job as baseball commissioner. That about sums it up.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Really? An Old Texas Saying?

This is the ninth post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

Here, Baby Boy Bush claims that not only is this an old Tennessee saying (this, I cannot verify one way or another) but it is also an old saying in Texas. Unless this is something they say while they are turkey bowling, I vehemently dispute that stupid remark. This was the first time I had ever heard this "old saying." Thankfully, it was not the last because it is really funny.

Monday, January 05, 2009

Tom Craddick is a big fat L-O-S-E-R

And last night he FINALLY came to grips with the fact.** At this point it feels like Craddick has been Speaker of the Texas House FOREVER, but turns out it has only been since 2003. Since Texas is finally a two party state (the Republicans finally stopped calling themselves Democrats and went to their own damned party), Tom Craddick can call himself the first Republican Speaker since Reconstruction. But seriously, that is just because it wasn't cool to call yourself a Republican until the late 1980s. There some that held out until the mid-90s before making the big switch. So truthfully, other people that were really Republicans held office as Democrats (the later traded in their team colors when it was safe to do so). But the point is that very few people will be sad to see him go. The way Craddick has ruled the Texas House makes the German Nazis look like pansies. Anyone that showed any hint of opposition was immediately stripped of their committee appointments and he regularly suspended House rules to prevent voting on a new Speaker. However, it was clear on Friday that with his 11 pledged votes from some brave Republicans and the 60 Democrats that pledged not to vote for Craddick, that Rep. Straus was going to kick Craddick to the curb (so to speak, I'd pay good money to see the real deal). However, in a fit of cowardice of losing he just dropped out of the race last night and is supporting some other asshat that he is friends with. With the House split 76-74 (not so Red in Texas anymore!), the Republicans can't get away with replacing Craddick with more of the same. Hooray!

**If you don't live in Texas, you probably don't give a shit about any of this and that is OK.

Flipping the Bird

This is the eighth post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

Hey! I'm the Asshat they call president! Heh heh heh. See! I can flip you off because I'm the president! Heh heh heh.

Baby Boy Bush making his Mama proud!

Friday, January 02, 2009

Bird Shits on Bush

This is the seventh post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

Some asshat once told me that it is good luck when a bird shits on you (a sentiment echoed by this reporter). Obviously, the people that say things like that have never experienced it. I did not feel lucky my freshman year in college when a bird shit on my head while I was flirting with a cute boy. However in the case of this clip, the world at large at least got a chuckle.