Thursday, August 31, 2006


The Scream has been recovered. How many times does that thing have to be stolen before they upgrade the security?

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

All I wanted was a Sprite

So, I'm in Corpus Christi (taking a break from New Mexico) today and I was really thirsty. I was too lazy to actually drive somewhere so I went to the horribly overpriced coke machine instead. I put in my dollar and pushed the button for Sprite and a Diet Pepsi came out instead. So I put in another dollar and pushed the Diet Pepsi button (hoping for a Sprite) and got a Diet Pepsi. So I decided to move on and get a Coke instead. I put in a dollar and pushed the Coke button and got a Diet Coke. At this point, the machine is a lost cause I go down to the lobby to tell my story. The woman at the front desk refunded my money (as she was giggling) and suggested I use the machine on the first floor. I guess by the time the coke machine guy gets to the 7th floor, he just doesn't care. I know I wouldn't.

The miracle of life and other things Pineapple

For the past few days I have opted not to blog. Mostly because I have been busy, but also because I haven't seen much humor for the past few days. On Monday I turned 29. Today one of The Pineapple Cousins asked me "Again???" in a confused and accusatory tone. I'm just going to let that one pass... Anyway, Saturday I had friends over to celebrate another year of Pineapple. It was lots of fun and NO KEYS WERE LOST. On Sunday I met some Pineapple Friends for brunch and then a couple of hours later, The Pineapple Parents for a second breakfast. The plan for the rest of the day was to have lots of rest and relaxation. This was not to be. After a wonderful nap, my one true love and I decided to watch Laverne and Shirley make a mud pit and run around the backyard like lunatics. It was all very funny until everything went horribly wrong.

As The Ladies were racing through the yard, Laverne reached over and grabbed Shirley's collar and they went tumbling. The collar got wrapped around Laverne's mouth and Shirley couldn't breathe. I couldn't get the collar off so I ran inside and got the scissors. By the time my one true love could cut the collar off, Shirley had stopped breathing. Luckily we were able to revive her by winging CPR. I guess all those times asking if Annie was alright paid off. So the long and short of it is that I spent the beginning of this 29th year at the emergency vet with the miracle dog. The Pineapple Dad suggested we rename her Mercedes because she is so expensive. But if my dog is a Mercedes, I have no idea what that would make their dog. She is fine now and that is all that matters.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

No thanks, crazy possum lady

Katherine Harris and her ever growing boobs are in the spotlight once again. This time she had condemned the separation of church and state. She honestly believes that this is not what god intended and it keeps religious people out of politics. Last time I checked this nation has never had any atheist presidents.

Here is the best part of the article:

"Harris told the journalists "we have to have the faithful in government" because that is God's will. Separating religion and politics is "so wrong because God is the one who chooses our rulers," she said.

"And if we are the ones not actively involved in electing those godly men and women," then "we're going to have a nation of secular laws. That's not what our Founding Fathers intended, and that certainly isn't what God intended.""

Here is my are some of my questions:
1. Why did they let her out on the loose without her meds?
2. If the Founding Fathers didn't intend to separate church and state then why did they?
3. If God picks our rulers, why do we even bother with elections?

Friday, August 25, 2006

Back home (for at least five minutes or so...)

I am safely back in Austin, but apparently I was seen as some sort of threat in the Lubbock airport. First, I got a good grilling when I was checking my bag. Then when I took my bag to the place where they look at your stuff before they put it on the plane, I got questioned by them. By the way, that ugly pick bag I bought in Hobbs has been searched every time I have flown. Next to the security check point to get to the gate. I, like the other travelers, took of my shoes and put my laptop in the gray bins to be x-rayed. First they decided my pursue was suspicious and needed to be x-rayed again. Then the guy announced that I had a strange looking laptop. It is called an APPLE, dummy. So one of the TSA workers picked up my laptop like it was a funny looking bomb and tested it with that little wand thing to make sure it wasn't. Even though it passed the test she continued to pick it up, turn it over, and open and close it over and over again. I told her that she was more than welcome to turn the damn thing on to make sure it was a really computer (I mean it was "funny" looking) I even offered to do it for her. I thought I was going to get searched again before getting on the plane, but instead they randomly searched the guy next to me. His crime? Standing next to me and my funny looking computer.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Ever hear the expression "Pick a Horse and Stick with it?"

Apparently the astronomy community hasn't. I wake up this morning to find out that Pluto is no longer a planet. But maybe it is a "dwarf planet." So if it is a dwarf planet, wouldn't that still make it a planet? I thought when they started this whole planet definition thing, that we would be getting more planets. Guess not. So what are the schools going to do? Buy lots of Sharpies to black out the part about Pluto in all of the science books???

Today is brought to you by the letter "S"

Ever since I blogged about seeing Snakes on a Plane, my "s" key sticks and it types out multiple esses. Fuck.

Plan B

I'm not really sure what happened over at the FDA, but they approved Plan B for over-the-counter sales. I just figured it would take a different president being in office for that to happened. But I am not complaining because it way past time to make Plan B available to all women. Which they really didn't because you have to be over 18 to buy it. But under age girls will have an easier time getting their hands on Plan B than securing parental consent or a judicial bypass for an abortion. So even with the age restriction, it is a good thing.

Naturally, on Faux (Fox) News they said it terminates pregnancy. What bullshit. You don't know you are pregnant the next day. You do know that it is a possibility and that you don't want to be so you take the morning after pill. Admittedly it has been a while since I took "Health" (my junior year in high school) but I was under the impression that it took a little longer than 72 hours for an egg to be fertilized and successful be implanted in the uterus (maybe only grrrl can help me out here). But no matter how the science of it all works, it is just a matter of time before super-religious pharmacists refuse to sell Plan B because it is against their moral code.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Snakes in a Movie Theater

I'm glad that I didn't see "Snakes on a Plane" in Arizona because some asshole released rattlesnakes in the theater. Way to make a movie un-funny.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Its 4:20

You know what that means? It means that it is time for the clerks to take a smoke break. One of the clerks was helping this sweet old lady research some property to settle her mother's estate (she was really old and it made me think her mother must have been ancient) and the clerk told her that she had to get back to her other work because she had a deadline of 4:20. I thought this was odd because the county clerk's office closes at 5:00. Then, about thirty minutes later I heard one of the clerks ask if they were ready to take a smoke break. It was exactly 4:20. I almost fell over from a fit of the giggles.

Sunday, August 20, 2006


As usual, my life is chaos. However, I did manage to take a couple of hours off to see a movie at the movie theater. I can't remember the last time I did that. Of course, I lost my car key during that time. Whoever found my key and decided not to turn it in -- you suck. As for the movie, all I can say is: "I am mother fucking sick of these snakes on this mother fucking plane!" Samuel L. Jackson rules and so did the movie. It surpassed all of my expectations.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Elvis is everywhere

and if you find him alive, you can get $3 million. I am on the look out because $3 million would really help out.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

I am so going to become a republican

I mean now that W has been on a hog, I mean how can I not vote republican? He has really won me over just by that one stunt. I mean just because he can hop on a Harley, I will totally change my politics.

It is monsoon season in West Texas

It is supposed to be dry, but instead it has been raining all night. It is still raining. What the hell? There are flash flood warnings for the area. No shit because everything fills up with water any time it rains. There is no place for it to go. Can't wait to drive to San Angelo.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Doh! They got me!

So, its another fun filled week of travel. Today on the way to Monahans, I got caught in a speed trap. Luckily, this Pineapple can be quite charming (and the fact that one of the Pineapple Cousins is a trooper doesn't hurt) so I was let off with a warning. Whew! I wasn't even going all that fast, just about 5 miles over the speed limit. I guess they like to set up the trap right about where the speed limit changes from 70 to 80 to get some good ones.

Monahans was quite uneventful and I didn't even see anything that was interesting enough for a picture. Boo hiss. On the way back to Odessa I saw several things but the camera was in the back seat. I did see the sign for the Monahans Sandhills Park. I remember going there as a child and having a picnic. I guess it is a great place for that if you like "sand"wiches. Oh, ha ha!

No worries, I should see all sorts of interesting things tomorrow when I go to San Angelo. I bet you thought I would be going back to New Mexico. Well, so did I. But things change ever so quickly in my world. Maybe I will come across a Concho while I am there. We can only hope.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Liquids on a Plane

So my trip home was way too exciting for me. As I was leaving Hobbs, it was quickly filling up with water. I almost didn't get out of that crap hole because the streets were really flooded. I'm glad I opted for the gas guzzling SUV. The rest of the drive was uneventful except that the whole time I was worried about missing my plane because the bad weather put me about an hour behind schedule. I finally got to the airport, returned the car, checked my bags, and made it through security. What a pain. The woman in front of me wanted to take her water with her. All I wanted was my lip balm that was in my suitcase and to make my plane. I had about twenty minutes to spare. I got some food and chugged a bottle of water because I was really thirsty. I was really stressed so I thought about taking a Xanax before getting on the plane but decided against it. Boy, did I make a mistake. That was the scariest plane ride I have ever been on. As we were climbing, the plane hit some really bad turbulence (remember that storm I left behind?). That made me nervous, but when the plane started dropping and the lights on the plane flickered on and off I was in full panic mode. It wasn't just me, there were a lot of people screaming. People talk about their whole life flashing before their eyes. I don't know what that is all about because I could think about was how I was going to die (either from the free fall of the plane and crashing to the ground or from the huge lightning right outside the window causing a spectacular fiery death). While it was only a few minutes of uncertainty about whether the plane was going to make it up, it felt like forever. When it the flight attendant came by to take my drink order, I asked for a coke with a lot of bourbon. When she came back to the back of the plane she had a huge fist of cash. People were buying their neighbors drinks and some people ordered more than one. My drink (Jim Beam with a splash of coke as per the flight attendant) was gone instantly. It was a long flight as people were really quiet and nervous. I tried to concentrate on my book but couldn't. I didn't realize how quiet the plane was until it landed and people finally relaxed. I have never been on a plane that emptied that fast.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Must See TV!!!

The debate for Texas Governor has been set for October 6! I can't wait for the circus. Kinky, Pretty Boy, Carole Four Names, and the unfortunately unknown Chris Bell (he isn't crazy enough to be governor) are all going to attend. Although I think the Libertairian and Green candidates should be invited to the circus. Why shouldn't they get the same oppurtunity to make a fool of themselves along with the other candidates? And all of you interested out-of-staters, they plan on broadcasting it on the web. I will give you updates as they come across the Pineapple News Desk.

I've been almost everywhere

Sing along if you can. I've highlighted the places I've been. No doubt this blog entry will be updated as I go to more and more places (in Texas).

I've Been Everywhere (In Texas)
Geoff Mack (Texas Version Adapted By Brian Burns)

I was totin’ my pack along the dusty Amarillo road
when along came a semi with a high and canvas covered load.
“If you’re goin’ to Amarillo, Mack, with me you can ride,”
and so I climbed up in the cab and then I settled down inside.
He asked me if I’d seen a road with so much dust and sand,
and I said, “listen, bud, I’ve traveled every road in this here land...”

I’ve been everywhere, man,
I’ve been everywhere, man,
I’ve crossed the deserts bare, man,
breathed the mountain air, man,
of travel I’ve had my share, man,
I’ve been everywhere.

I’ve been to Waco, Hico, Hondo, Navasota,
Winnsboro, Jacksboro, Hillsboro, Santa Rosa,
Austin, Houston, Galveston, Texarkana,
Frisco, Buffalo, Conroe, Corsicana,
Goliad, Groesbeck, Glen Rose, Red Oak,
Post Oak, Live Oak, Lone Oak, no joke...


I’ve been to Krugerville, Pflugerville, Van Horn, Val Verde,
Brackettville, Bartonville, Beeville, Bulverde,
Bear Creek, Cedar Creek, Mill Creek, Mineola,
Maypearl, Monahans, Telephone, Tuscola,
Redwater, Round Rock, Round Top, Round Lake,
Sour Lake, Southlake, Springlake, for Pete’s sake...


I’ve been to Greenville, Gatesville, Gainesville, Alameda,
Kerrville, Kellyville, Bastrop, Benavides,
Somerville, Smithville, Stephenville, Prairie View,
Luckenbach, Longview, Plainview, Idalou,
Justin, Junction, Panorama, Pasadena,
Angelina, and Lorena...see what I mean-a...


I’ve been to Valley Mills, Pine Mills, Dime Box, Duncanville,
New Home, New Hope, New Deal, Liberty Hill,
Rockport, Rock Creek, Bridgeport, Brownwood,
Cleburne, Comanche, Cut & Shoot, Cottonwood,
Bayview, Bayside, Baytown, Bay City,
Falls City, Center City, Bridge City, what a pity...


When it comes to travelin’ Texas, friend,
I’ve been everywhere.

What a pain in my ass

In light the new anti-liquid and potential liquids rule, I had to go to hell on earth to get a new bag. Naturally, I bought a bunch of crap while I was here and always take my toiletries in my carry on. I just can't fit everything in my suitcase. I hate the terrorists because now I can't even take my chapstick on the plane. Damnit, my lips are chapped. Now that I've vented... back to work. It never ends.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Widespread Panic!

I woke up this morning and turned on the news to see what had been blown up in the middle east. Instead, I woke up to see everyone throwing away their lotion and shampoo. New public enemy number one: hair gel. They just can't stop talking about hair gel. And just in case you haven 't heard we are at terror level red (Britain is at "critical level" which sounds much more sophisticated that "red"). Thank god Bush and Blair are on vacation so they can react quickly! To show us that he is on the ball, Bush is going to Wisconsin to talk about the new terror threat. That makes so much sense. They aren't even going to let you take on drinks that you purchase inside the airport once you've passed security. I'm glad someone else agrees that airport coffee is not safe. I just heard it from the governor of Massachusetts, so I have it on good authority. Personally can't wait to fly out of Midland tomorrow. I'm sure they have taken this plot personally.

I was just about to publich this, when the "reporter" said the terrorist were going to blow up ten airlines! Shows you what I know because I thought they were going to blow up ten airplanes...

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Sore loser!

Lieberman is a big baby. He loses his primary so he becomes an independent? Suck it up. The people have spoken. They are tired of your droning voice and your pretend party affiliation. They don't want you anymore. Didn't you get the message when you lost??? Personally, I don't really care who wins that race as long as I don't have to listen to him speak ever again. Idiot.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

I guess I'll have to cancel my camping trip

Unfortunately the camping ban near the Bush "Ranch" was held to be constitutional by a federal judge. There goes my summer vacation plans.

** I call it a "ranch" because he just cuts brush and rides his bike. The proper term is "property" because it is not used for raising horses, beef cattle, or sheep as per the definition of any Texan and Merriam Webster. So there.

Here we go again...

Tom DeLay is back at it. He says, "I will take the actions necessary to remove my name from the Texas ballot. To do anything else would be hypocrisy." Oh really? Is that why there were a few days in there when you weren't so sure if you live in Virginia or Texas? Of course, if I were from Sugar Land I would not claim that crap hole as my home.

I guess he is doing this to pass the time until his trial for laudering money and consipiracy starts.

Even the Mainstream Media is Snarky Sometimes

I'm not what sure what compelled me to click the link to this article but it was well worth it. Here is my favorite part of "Gibson Win Swayze Endorsement":

"Swayze is the first cast member of Dirty Dancing to publicly voice support of Gibson. There was no word on when Jennifer Grey or Cynthia Rhodes might weigh in.

Gibson, 50, did not star in Dirty Dancing or any other movie with Swayze.

It was unknown what Swayze's endorsement would mean to Gibson's plunging poll numbers, although, in general, ex-Dirty Dancing stars have not been considered vital to the forming of public opinion."

Eating in Hobbs

When you travel, eating is always an adventure. This Pineapple can only take so much junk food. Finding good food in small towns requires a bit of bravery. So on Saturday I decided I really wanted some breakfast tacos. I drove around until I found a place with lots of cars. When I walked in I knew I had found a good one because I was the only white person in there. And I had. I got the best bean and egg taco ever. And rebeccabobecca, it is better than our favorite taco joint in South Austin. No fooling! I have also included my new cutlery. Sometimes you need a fork and spoon so I went with Strawberry Shortcake. How cute!

Monday, August 07, 2006

The Traveling Pineapple

Go see my pictures at The Traveling Pineapple.

bp = bad polluter

Shame on you bp. You haven't been maintaining your pipeline for seven years??? I bet you weren't even running cathodic. Do you know what that is? Do you even know what a pig launcher is? I'm not even sure that you know what a pipeline is. I do know that you don't know the first thing about transporting petroleum. A retarded monkey with brain damage would run your pipeline division better.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Millipedes and snakes, oh my!

Yesterday while I was waiting for the bats to come out, I saw all sorts of creepy crawlies. First, there was this millipede. I was sitting near some fellow Texans (one of them was a huge Kinky fan and told his wife that she should have let him wear his "Kinky for Governor" hat once he found out I was from Texas too) and we decided it was alright to take a picture since technically the bats had not come out yet.

But it gets better. When the bats started coming out there was some commotion to my right. This man was holding a baby rattlesnake and taunting his wife with it. Then he put it in his coke can. He was planning on stealing a rattlesnake. Someone got one of the rangers. When this idiot told the ranger that the snake was gone, a bunch of us pointed and said "the snake is in the can!" The ranger told him to hand over the can and guy said, "why can't I keep the snake?" What a fun pet, a poisonous snake. Now there's a pal to keep your feet warm at night.

On my way back to Hobbs I stopped to get gas in Carlsbad. And who was walking out of the store when I was going in? The wannabe snake stealer. Apparently I missed the big drama because he got into it in the store with some of the guys that reported him. He did get a hefty ticket and was really bitter about being reported. The people working at the store thought the whole thing was hilarious. I guess it isn't very often that people walk into your work place and get into an argument about snake stealing.

Now doesn't that make you feel better?

Once upon a time, I went to Carlsbad Caverns. My grandfather and his awful wife took me and two of my cousins. We wandered around the caverns but only to stop and look at the things that she wanted to stop for. We did not get any souvenirs or take any pictures. Apparently a certain someone didn't think that was necessary. We finished looking at the caves about thirty minutes before the bats come out of the natural entrance and that certain someone told us it was time to leave. Isn't seeing the bats one of the reasons you go to the caverns? I hadn't given it much thought since then (as I tend to block out disappointments), but being this close to Carlsbad Caverns made me think about how much resented not being able to see the bat flight. So today, I righted that wrong. I wandered around the caves and saw the things I wanted to see, took lots of pictures (I bought a new camera just for that purpose), spent way too much money in the gift shop, and then I watched the bats. It was one of the best days ever. Unfortunately, they don't let you photograph the bats so I took the picture from their website to give you an idea of how wonderful it was.

And don't worry this is my last sappy blog because there was some good stuff that happened there. Just tune in for more Pineapple Adventures.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Just Do It

Just Do It

I tried to take a picture of my hand but it wasn't descriptive enough. They say a picture is worth 1000 words so I've picked a different picture to go with the tale of the bully table. I have had enough that table and its bullshit so I decided to beat the crap out of it. My knuckle turned black instantly. For a while I was afraid that it was broken. Despite the fact that it is solid metal and my hand is merely flesh and bones I think I gave that table a run for its money. So I've decided my next career will be table boxing. Stayed turned for Round 2 of Pineapple v. Big Metal Table...

Make it Happen

Make it Happen

Today was a fun day at work. I discovered someone else working on the same thing I am. I spent the rest of the day being sneaky by pulling books that don’t have anything to do with my work and spying on the other guy. Fun! In my subterfuge I ran across a really great name: Buena Vista Williams. “Beautiful Sight” Williams? Really? I thought my name was unusual…

So then I met these really cool guys that work out of Roswell. One of them told me that his wife was an alien and then we took a gum break together. No one has ever asked me if I had time to take a gum chewing break before. I just couldn’t pass that up even though I’m not much of a gum chewer. Turns out these guys were trying to figure out what I was up to! I got them on the subject of where they were from and it turns out one of them is from parts that I have family. Damn I’m good! I could start a career as an undercover agent…

Thursday, August 03, 2006

I'm allergic to my work

Yesterday when I left the courthouse my hands and arms were covered with hives. I was afraid that it was my fancy new soap causing the hives, so I switched back to something else in my handy dandy travel bag. But today, not only were my hands and arms covered with hives, so was my face and neck. Damn I itch! Can I come home now? This is definitly not a "working vacation."


Just another day in Court for Tommy

I'm really confused because the Republicans told me that Democrats were the ones who were so-called "flip floppers" or whatever their lingo is these days. But it seems like Tom DeLay keeps changing his mind. I thought a true Republican wouldn't do that. On Wednesday you still believe what you did on Monday no matter what happens on Tuesday. (Thanks Stephen Colbert) That's what our fabulous W does. But not ole Tommy. First he wanted to be re-elected so he ran in the primary and won. Then he resigned from the House and claimed to move to Virginia (flip-flop). He still has his house in Sugar Land and his wife lives there. Hmmm, does he live in Virginia or Texas? When the judge tells him he can't be removed from the ballot, he says he thinks he may run for his old seat (flip-flop). So he lives in Texas now, right? Wrong because he appealed the original decision (flip-flop). Got it so far?

The three-judge panel from the 5th Circuit upheld the original ruling. Does this means the Republicans are done with Tommy because the 5th Circuit is a lot like the Legion of Doom (a.k.a The Texas Supreme Court). In other words, the 5th Circuit is usually manipulated by the puppet strings better known as the Grand Old Party. So, what will Tommy's next move be? Will he appeal to the full 5th Circuit (maybe it was a case of bad/liberal judges) or to the Supreme Court? Your guess is as good as mine. But even if he doesn't appeal, we can still look forward to his trial for money laundering and conspiracy charges related to corporate cash during 2002 legislative races. What fun!

A working vacation?

What the hell is that, you ask? That is what Baby Boy Bush is calling his trip to his "ranch" in Crawford. I will do my best to refrain from my rants about how W is not a Texan and that he doesn't even have a real ranch so he should not call it that. But back to this concept of a "working vacation." Maybe it is a little bit of black and white thinking on my part, but I think you are either at work or on vacation. You can't do both at the same time. Of course, one could argue that his entire presidency has been a "working vacation". That is a discussion for another day. As a Texan, if I were to take one of these working vacations I would like to take mine someplace where it isn't over 100 degrees everyday. This is why Texans spend their free time at the pool, in the lake or in the ocean. It is really hot in Texas. Of course, if I were to have a ranch I would have some cattle. I guess my lack of understanding of ranching and working vacations can completely explain why I struggle to make a living and W is a world leader.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Would you like a cigar with that conspiracy theory?

Is Castro still alive? We haven't heard much from him and now this sudden surgery and still no one has seen him. I'm just wondering if he has been dead for a while and now they are working up to his official "death". My next question is if he is "dead" will travel to Cuba become legal, because if it does I think that would really take the fun out of going there.


More about scuba diving in New Mexico

That's right I just can't quite drop this whole scuba diving in New Mexico. So, next time you are in Lovington, New Mexico you could try to visit Divers of New Mexico (like I tried to today) but they seem to be closed. I really wanted to talk to them about their scuba lessons. I was hoping to have a great story about how I got certified to scuba dive in New Mexico. But alas, there just weren't enough people that saw the irony to keep them in business.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Do you scuba?

I haven't ever been, but now that I know that New Mexico is a hot bed for scuba diving I may take it up. I guess I was feeling really bad yesterday because I completely missed the scuba shop next to the health food store. Once I noticed it, it made me wonder if scuba diving is an ideal hobby to take up in a land locked state. I thought, "do they scuba in motel swimming pools?" Well, as it turns out New Mexico is a good place to scuba. All you have to do is get yourself to Blue Hole in Santa Rosa, New Mexico.