and then there was one...

well, one pineapple with two dogs. That's because I came home Wednesday and the former MOTL had packed up his shit (well some of it along with the good TV and the remote to the cable box -- bring it back!) and moved to the landfill in Wimberley. So things have been a little off here. I keep meaning to blog (not about my personal bullshit), but for the past week I've just been too bitchy or whiny to do it. Also, I've spent the past week adjusting to the single life. I think it will take some time to get in the swing of being on my own (and not someone's keeper) after five years of whatever. All I know is that my house is a wreck and there is still some ginormous piece of Styrofoam that is painted like a boulder in my backyard that did not move to the landfill with the former other half. When it appeared in the backyard a few weeks ago (conveniently after the bulk trash pick up) I made my feelings clear that it needed to go back from whence it came. It is big and ugly and it looks like this:


When I first commented on how awful it was, I was told that I just didn't understand. Damn straight I don't understand why I would want something like that and I also don't understand why it is still here. Pick it up when you bring back my remote!

Getting my life in some sort of order has been difficult. Mostly because something horrible has happened to my foot -- I have this excruciating and mysterious pain that causes random swelling and constant discomfort. How can I wash that man right out of my hair (and my house) if I can't even walk?!? Today, I had it x-rayed. When the nurse, the doctor, and the x-ray technician each asked which foot was hurting I always replied "my left foot," no one even blinked. I thought it was funny (at least ironic because my left foot was the only thing not working), but maybe they get that all the time. So, now I hobble alone. OK, I hobble with two constantly panicked dogs underfoot as I relearn how to cook for one.

Alberto is gainfully employed!

My good buddy Alberto Gonzales is moving to Lubbock this fall because he finally got a job! He's going to be teaching political science at Texas Tech. Too bad he isn't teaching ethics though. But I guess he can teach those kids how you go to the AG's hospital bed to get him to sign off on illegal programs and then later how to fire people that have different political views than yourself and call it science! The neat thing about it is that no one will notice the smell of his bullshit because the stockyard just outside of town will cover that up! And another upside of being a Red Raider is that you get to have taco night after you play the Longhorns!*


*I guess that's what happens when they lose to us. Every time I ask my relatives what they do with all of the tortillas (they throw them in the air when they win football games -- I don't know why), they always tell me to shut up. How am I supposed to learn anything when these important questions go unanswered?

tags: Alberto Gonzales Texas Tech Lubbock Texas Tortilla Football Red Raiders Longhorns

I guess I'm old and lame

Every year, my neighborhood has a 4th of July parade and a picnic. This year there was even a bbq cook off. Our family tradition is that I make breakfast and the Pineapple Parents come over to watch the parade. Then, later in the afternoon I drop by the neighborhood picnic before going over to the Pineapple Parent's house for their annual 4th of July brisket party. After the parade, I got a serious case of the lazies. It may have had something to do with the fact that a certain someone was too hungover to help me get everything set up before the parade and to clean up afterward. So, I decided to skip out on the picnic. I do hate that I missed out on the pear wine.

My parent's dog has developed a really bad habit of bolting out the front door and running to the neighbor's house (they have ferrets inside). However, yesterday's big draw was another neighbor's cook out. I opened the door to let guests in and the dog ran out. Since he has no street smarts and no desire to return when called, I ran after him. And it was hot. I felt like I was running in slow motion. I felt like I couldn't pick up my feet because I was running through hot lava, under a heat lamp. I ran circles around houses and through the neighbors' backyards after that damned dog. He would stop every so often and look to see if I was still coming and then take off again. I finally got lucky when he cornered himself. It is amazing how running after a little dog in record breaking 104 degree weather can really wear you out. I never really recovered from it. By the time I left the Pineapple Parents', I was too tired to go watch the fireworks. I thought I would just watch them on TV, but I was too lame to even stay up to watch Barry Manilow on PBS.

Happy 4th of July, ya'll!

Have a great holiday weekend! And thanks to Lipz for posting this awesome video! I couldn't steal it without you!

tags: 4th July Redneck White Socks Blue Ribbon Beer Johnny Russell Video youtube

2012 is going to be a great year for my ass!

Thank you, Sarah Palin!
I look forward to your failed attempt to become the Republican presidential nominee in 2012. Why else would she be stepping down as Governor of Alaska (it certainly isn't because of the numerous ETHICS complaints that have been filed!)??? It will be a great time for me to go to the gym and run up hill on the treadmill because you say such stupid and infuriating things every time you open your big fat mouth. It is going to be great. And my ass is going to look great, too!

tags: Sarah Palin is good for my ass Governor Alaska Republican President 2012

trash talk

So last weekend we put out a variety of three-legged chairs and other large items that should have never come to my house. The pick up in our area started on Monday, but could come as late as Friday. Naturally, day after day the junk stayed in my yard (it really dressed up the joint!). Then on Thursday I get a call at work from MOTL...

MOTL: The guys working across the street parked in front of our trash. Its still there. They took everyone else's trash.
Me: Fuck. Go over there and tell them they better take that shit with them when they leave work today.
MOTL: I guess I can get my dad to bring his truck and we can take it out to the property*.
Me: No. Go over there and tell them they better figure out how to haul that shit away. And call the city and tell them they missed our stuff. One way or another someone else it taking that shit away.

Call Two--
MOTL: Those guys don't speak English.
Me: Bullshit. They just don't like what you are telling them.
MOTL: I did find out who they work for. Do you want to call?
Me: No. I'm at work. You call. And then call the city and tell them they forgot to pick up our shit.
MOTL: OK.

Call Three--
MOTL: I talked to their boss. And he said they would take our trash when they left the site today.
Me: Did you call the city, too?
MOTL: They said they would circle back around on Friday.
Me: Um, OK (I have my doubts about that part of the story). Well, we'll see what happens. Someone is taking that crap one way or another. But I need to get back to work because I am working.

When I got home the workers and their trailer were still there and that trash was still in my yard. As I sat down on the couch, we heard the truck pull away. Without our garbage. I looked at MOTL and told him to call that dude now.

MOTL: Why don't you call? You're the lawyer.
Me: Yes, but when I call him it is going to be to tell him how much he owes me for having that shit hauled away or else I'm filing a lawsuit and serving him with a shit ton of discovery. Finish what you started.
MOTL: (dials the number, no answer, so he leaves a message)Your guys didn't take the garbage from our house. You better do it tomorrow or my girlfriend, the lawyer, is going to have to have it hauled away and will sue you.
Me: rolled my eyes to the back of my head.

When I got home from work the next day, not only were all of those junky chairs gone but so was the brush that the city wasn't going to take any way. Guess we got a sweet deal after all...


*their property is like the land of misfit toys, except they take everything that they've ever had taht is now broken out their. I think of their property as their own personal landfill.

tags: garbage in my front yard

Pineapple + Feng Shui (insert water feature here)*

So, I may have mentioned in an earlier post that I had a "plan". Well, it turns out setting your future career goals and thinking of a couple of things you need to do to soothe your current frustration doesn't really qualify as a plan. Also, going on a kick ass vacation really does bring your stress levels down a lot. So much so, that things didn't seem quite so bad (and were frankly humorous) when I returned to work. Mostly that holds true a month later. At least now I'm not desperate to escape so I can wait until the right thing comes along (because I am still looking).

But the thing that has held my attention the most since my return is getting my shit together in my home space.** I was quite thrilled when I got the notice about the bulk trash pick up. All I can say is, "bye bye three legged chair. I never wanted you so you are going back to the curb you came from."*** As did the other shitty chairs that MOTL has collected from the side of the road over the last year. I'm not against roadside furniture, I'm just against broken, mangled and filthy roadside furniture.

I have thorn things out, cleaned shit up, built a pair of nightstands****, rearranged furniture, and planted the beginnings of a garden. I've even started organizing my "home office" so I can get back to writing. Over the past month I have busted my ass and made some real progress. I still have a long way to go, but things are moving forward for the first time in a long time. I don't know if feng shui really works, but I can attest to the fact that getting your shit in order does make you feel better. And that is a start.

*I don't really know if feng shui extends to blogs, but with this heat I am certain I need more water features in my life. Or maybe just a glass of water because I am thirsty.

**Obviously it hasn't been uploading those photos from the kick as vacation...

***The highlight was watching the guy load up our janky bbq pit in the back of his trailer last weekend. MOTL had not cleaned it out and the poor guy got covered in ashes.

****a la target.com