Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Divide and Conquer

Laverne the Moose

Shirley the Lobster

(sleeping dogs are so easy to dress up)

Happy Halloween!

I guess he lives in bizarro world

Because Baby Boy Bush says we have a strong economy. Is that why oil costs a record $94 a barrel? And that's a good thing because everyone can afford to pay even more for gasoline. I know I'm not spending enough money to fill up my tank. Why eat when you can drive! The Federal Reserve is cutting rates yet experts say that won't fix the housing market. I guess the housing market is on shaky ground and needs fixing every time we have a strong economy. I guess that also explains why I have a great, high paying job. Not! If struggling to pay rent, bills and still eat after I write all of those checks is a sign of a strong economy then I am the freaking poster child of our strong economy.

Because the economy is so strong, I have time to do lots of things. For example, I have seen some fine television programs. I am current on my daytime story and have plenty of time to wonder just who will get the brain next. For some reason, only one person in Oakdale is allowed to figure things out. This is because they all share the same brain. Not that you are wondering, but it seems that Katie has the brain this week. Once she figures out that Carly isn't really going to die, someone else will have the opportunity to figure something out. Isn't it exciting?

I have also seen America's Most Smartest Model. On this show, they have challenges to show you just how stupid these people are. They even have a "walk and talk" competition. This has been a struggle for these most smartest models. I mean that have to come up with things that are round(a ball) or things that are dirty(a dirty penis). This can be really taxing when you have to walk at the same time! When they throw someone off it is called a "purge". I wonder how they came up with that? On one of the episodes the most smartest models had to have a science fair. When one of the models was asked what color would he use to represent something that was warm, his answer was "hot." I love that color! On this episode they finally purged the nearly brain dead Mandy Lynn.

And apparently her boob is heavier than her brain. Then again, a feather is heavier than her brain.

All of this gainful employment has given me the opportunity to do other important works like read lots of trashy novels and dress my dogs in Halloween costumes. While I thought it was funny to dress dogs up as a moose and a lobster, they did not want to cooperate for the picture part of the dress up game. Spoil sports! Just wait until MOTL gets home to help contain them. Then we will see who gets silly pictures. Always bet Pineapple.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Guess What? I Am Old!!!

I know this because I got a complimentary copy of eldr magazine in the mail yesterday. And they want to give me a great deal if I subscribe today! While I'm really not interested in getting Alzheimer's or anything, but I'm still at that age when I am making plans to settle down and have a family. The part where I lose my mind comes later. Much later -- hopefully.

And I don't like getting magazines with articles telling me that I should stop coloring my hair because it is alright if all of it is gray. They tell me this look is "IN and SEXY". I don't think so. Besides, if my hair were totally white I would start dyeing my hair purple again because the color would take well on white hair. Now that's hot.

And thanks, but no thanks. I do not need a free poster about flu prevention. Here is all I need to know: get a flu shot and don't touch anything or anyone. Do I really need a poster to tell me that? I don't think so. The last time I got a magazine that came with free posters I was twelve. And the posters were of hot guys (Hello! Tiger Beat magazine!)

So as much as they would like to get me on the road to my golden years, I am going to have to pass for now.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Need A Missile Base?

Because if you do there is one for sale on eBay . Interested? It can be yours for the low, low price of $1,500,000.00! And if you want to see the video click here. Sorry, but the killjoys at BBC wont allow embedding...

What I Did This Weekend

the funniest thing this weekend: I saw saw Tuna Does Vegas. Just about everything in Tuna Does Vegas was funny and I laughed from start to finish. But one of the lines that really stuck with me and still makes me giggle is when Anna Conda says, "She booked the economy wedding package called the 'Compassionate Conservative'. It doesn't mean anything, but it sure is fun to say."

the strangest fruit: My neighbor has an orange tree in his yard and we saw him when we were walking the dogs. MOTL asked how hard it was to grow an orange tree and that is when he told his that his oranges tasted like limes and he gave us some. He wasn't kidding, they taste like limes with a hint of orange. You don't really want to just peel them and eat them like an orange but they sure are good when you squeeze it in your water.

and that sums up my exciting weekend.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Temp-orary Insanity

Today was my big interview at the temp agency. What a strange experience. I just to be clear, I did dress like I was going to an interview. Confused by this statement? Then read this blog entry first. Apparently, they don't tell everyone about the dress code or not everyone understands what this means. It is really hard to tell. But I am pretty sure that most likely wearing faded and ripped jeans is not the best way to make a good first impression no matter where you go. An impression? Yes. Good? Not so much.

My case worker (I don't think that is really her job title, but that's what I will call her) claims she will find me a permanent position really soon. I'm not sure how thrilled I am about what she thinks she is going to find because she really didn't understand what it was I did at my last job. How can you sell someone's skill set when you don't get it yourself? I also question her judgment because she suggested I remove pertinent information from my resume and use bullet points and a bunch of other stupid formatting. Since I have experience reviewing resumes, I know that this is a bad idea. Especially since my job experience is exactly what is going to get me another job that requires my job experience.

Because my case worker really only does permanent placement, she sent me over the temporary placement side to get work immediately. This is where it got a little interesting. Case worker #2 and I talked for a while and then she decided what tests I needed to take so she could get cracking on my fabulous new career in temp work. I took two tests to determine my data entry skills, a typing test, and a receptionist test. Just for the record, my data entry skills are "good". Yay me. I type 41 words per minute, but I wonder how much better I would have done had the keyboard been fully functional. I'm just saying.

My score on the receptionist test was "good" as well. Though I really have to question this. The instructions claimed that each question only had one correct answer, but as best I could tell some of them did not have any right answers. When case worker #2 saw this score she said that she guessed if the crazy lunatic with a gun came in (yes, this was a test question) that I would chose the option to shoot him first. Although this was not really an option on the test, it was my first thought. I have been a receptionist (and I was good at it), but I am not the best gate keeper when the person trying to get in the gate is rude, stupid, or both. At this point in the relationship, I am not a nice person. This was not reflected in my score because my tolerance level would have gotten me a failing score. But since they did not test my patience, I passed. Did I mention that the whole time I was taking my tests, that some other poor soul was watching a video at full blast about his new career in the medical field? Well, now you know. And now I know all about hepatitis, HIV/AIDS and how to spot someone that has jaundice. Considering I learned all of this while demonstrating the mediocrity of my office skills I think my score should be increased accordingly.

After all of this, her big lead was a temporary position cooking at the Salvation Army.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Bitter Is The New Pineapple

I think I am about to start living Bitter Is The New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass,Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office. If you haven't read this book, then you wouldn't know that it is about Jen Lancaster's experiences after being laid-off when the tech boom went bust. It chronicles her insane job interviews and some of the temp jobs she had. A particular favorite is the temp job where the woman, that told her what her duties would be, insisted she take notes on things like how to get to the bathroom and how to make copies. Ms. Lancaster then started writing down bitchy and sarcastic remarks about everything she was told. I laughed so hard I cried. I guess I should have been crying because her experiences are now mine.

Over the past few months I have applied for I don't know how many lawyer jobs. I've even had some good interviews. I've tried to get on with legal placement people for temporary work, but every time they have a project it gets canceled and it never pans out. I decided that I need to do something that earns income so I have been trying to get on with a non-legal temp agency. I haven't been successful because of that whole being a licensed attorney thing really puts them off. They seem to think that I won't be interested in the work they have. At this point, if they will pay me I am interested. So I decided it was time to change my tactics. In my cover letter I practically apologize for my short coming of being a lawyer and point out my job experience from before my lawyering days. This experience makes me a perfect candidate for temp work. I guess it finally worked because I just got a message from a non-legal temp agency for an interview. When I called back, I was told what I needed to bring to the interview and then the woman I spoke to told me that I should dress like I would for a job interview. I'm wondering what part of getting called for an interview would have given me the idea that I should dress like I was going to one? I can't wait to get a job an untrained monkey could do the job and where people treat me like I am stupid, because I will finally have something to blog about and being able to buy groceries will be a nice bonus.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Viva Ladummy

I read today that CBS canceled Viva Laughlin. I haven't even watched it yet, people. Then again it wasn't until Friday that I found out that these people burst out into song in the middle of conversations. Up until Friday I thought it was the same old Vegas drama with some mystery solving sprinkled on top. I mean, who hasn't seen that show? I had no idea it was like Cop Rock but in Vegas, baby! And probably better.

At least Viva Laughlin had Hugh Jackman and Melanie Griffith. Exactly who was in Cop Rock? Just some people that are vaguely familiar from bad movies I've watched on cable in the middle of the night. I guess I will watch the one episode that I have recorded and then harbor resentment towards the idiots that make programming decisions at CBS. Who hires these fools? And why don't they hire me?

Friday, October 19, 2007

The Dead Zone

I don't know if I'm getting more morbid because Halloween is quickly approaching or if I am in just suffering from the affliction of "terminal bad mood", but in case you missed it here is a short list of who & what died this week:

1. The last living member of the Rat Pack, Joey Bishop, died at age 89. Guess he was able to out live the others because he didn't drink and smoke as much?

2. Deborah Kerr, died at age 86,who was apparently more famous for being in From Here To Eternity and not for An Affair to Remember seeing as how the article I read just mentioned An Affair to Remember in passing at the end of the article. I guess that stupid Meg Ryan movie ruined that movie for the person writing the AP article, too.

3. "Compassionate Conservatism" died this week -- if it was ever really alive -- in the form of the failed attempt to override Baby Boy Bush's veto of SCHIP.

4. Taku, the 14 year old Killer Whale at Sea World in San Antonio. The death was unexpected, but they can't rule out old age since they don't really know what the life expectancy of Killer Whales. In six weeks, when the test results are available we probably wont even remember what a Taku is.

5. My bank account when I had to spend my last $20.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Your Own Chocolate Jesus

Although the Catholics do not approve of the chocolaty and anatomically correct "My Sweet Lord", they are not going to try to shut down this showing like they did last time. Hope you like chocolate because artist Cosimo Cavallaro will also be including chocolate icons of the Virgin Mary and saints Francis, Augustine, Michael, Jude, Anthony and Fermin in his exhibit at the Proposition Gallery in Manhattan beginning on October 27.

So Why Would He Want To Be President?

Or for that matter why would anyone be willing to clean up the mess created over the past eight years? But really, why would winning the Nobel Peace Prize be just the thing to get Al Gore to run for President? Al Gore is like the rock star of the environment now. Before his movie and the Oscars and the Emmy and the Nobel Peace Prize, he was kind of a dull guy. Would you muck this up by running for president when you could be out there actually accomplishing things? Even if I didn't have anything better to, and I don't, I still wouldn't run for president. For one thing, you have to figure out how to leave a country that your predecessor has basically destroyed. Then there are the crazies running places like Iran and Korea that think nuclear weapons are a fun thing to have and the crazies that run China that think it is OK to make and sell products that are full of poisons. Not to mention the fact that the economy is about to collapse (hello! record oil prices, sketchiness in the housing industry and banks declaring billions of dollars in bad debt.). And on top of all of that, you have to live in a big ugly house that people take tours of! I do not do well living and working at the same place. And I would not want to live someplace that was always full of strangers looking around.

So for all of you Gore lovers out there -- No, he is still not going to run for president. He has more important shit to do.

*note about the above picture: this is a miniature version of the White House built by John and Jan Zweifel. I saw it when it was on tour at the LBJ Library. Weeee!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The Countdown Is On

Now that Baby Boy Bush has waged a war on America's children, we are now left to wait and see how many Republicans are willing to stick with their lord of darkness despite the fact at least 70 percent of Americans support the increased funding for SCHIP. Let's just ignore the fact that the people elected to Congress are supposed to represent the people. And let's just ignore the fact that SCHIP does not cover all children that are from families that can't afford health insurance or preventative health care. And let's just ignore the fact that these people running the country have not known what it is like to struggle financially and have rocks in their chests instead of hearts. Obviously, the concept of being a "compassionate conservative" is bullshit.

The reality is, that when people don't have health insurance the cost of health care goes up for everyone. There are many individuals and families that have to make the choice to pay their rent and bills and buy food instead of luxuries like health insurance and preventative health care. I guess those assholes up in D.C. wearing their fancy suits don't get this dilemma that millions of Americans face. People that can't afford to go to the doctor have to wait until it is so urgent that they have to go to the emergency room. This is their best option because the hospital has to take them even if they can't afford to pay for it. But I guess taxpayers picking up the tab for this is a much better alternative than helping people get medical care before it becomes urgent and more expensive. But let's be real clear about this, SCHIP insurance is no treat. Very few doctors take it and if your child has a serious medical condition you can forget about finding a specialist that takes that kind of insurance. But at least it helps pay for medicine and catastrophic care. And when you don't make enough money to pay all of your bills, you certainly can't afford to buy medicine for your child.

So why don't the Republicans want to increase SCHIP? Because they are afraid of nationalized health care. Honestly, I'm not sure I want this government to run anything, but making sure we have healthy kids is a good thing. Healthy kids do better in school which makes them more likely to grow up into productive adults. This can only be a good thing for our economy. Isn't that what drives the Republicans? But maybe the Republicans are trying to solve the social security problem by making sure future generations don't live long enough to collect. But the fact is that the Republicans are proposing an increase that wont even cover all the kids that are currently eligible for SCHIP. There is no risk of the increase of SCHIP funding that was vetoed by Bush will lead to anything that is like a government run health care system. So, if you live in one of the 159 congressional districts that is representatives that voted against kids, you should give your representative a call or an email and tell them how much they suck. Do it now. Help Congress override the veto.

Do you want a breakdown of the vote click here. I learned that 21 Geminis voted against SCIP. You can learn such useful things at!

Here are the 8 Democrat House members that voted against SCHIP:
Dan Boren, Kathy Castor, Bob Etheridge, Baron Hill, Dennis Kucinich, Jim Marshall, Mike McIntyre, Gene Taylor

Here are the 151 Republican House Members that voted against SCHIP:
Robert Aderholt, Todd Akin, Rodney Alexander, Michele Bachmann, Spencer Bachus, Richard Baker, J. Gresham Barrett, Roscoe Bartlett, Joe Barton, Judith Biggert, Brian Bilbray, Gus Bilirakis, Rob Bishop, Marsha Blackburn, Roy Blunt, John Boehner, Jo Bonner, John Boozman, Charles Boustany, Kevin Brady, Paul Broun, Henry Brown, Ginny Brown-Waite, Michael Burgess, Dan Burton, Steve Buyer, Ken Calvert, Dave Camp, John Campbell, Chris Cannon, Eric Cantor, John Carter, Steve Chabot, Howard Coble, Tom Cole, Michael Conaway, Ander Crenshaw, John Culberson, Geoff Davis, David Davis, Nathan Deal, Lincoln Diaz-Balart, Mario Diaz-Balart, John Doolittle, Thelma Drake, David Dreier, John 'Jimmy' Duncan, Terry Everett, Mary Fallin, Tom Feeney, Jeff Flake, Randy Forbes, Jeff Fortenberry, Virginia Foxx, Trent Franks, Rodney Frelinghuysen, Elton Gallegly, Scott Garrett, Phil Gingrey, Louie Gohmert, Virgil Goode, Bob Goodlatte, Kay Granger, Sam Graves, Ralph Hall, J. Dennis Hastert, Doc Hastings, Robin Hayes, Dean Heller, Jeb Hensarling, Peter Hoekstra, Kenny Hulshof, Duncan Hunter, Bob Inglis, Darrell Issa, Sam Johnson, Tim Johnson, Walter Jones, Jim Jordan, Ric Keller, Steve King, Jack Kingston, John Kline, Joe Knollenberg, Randy Kuhl, Doug Lamborn, Ron Lewis, Jerry Lewis, John Linder, Frank Lucas, Daniel Lungren, Connie Mack, Donald Manzullo, Kenny Marchant, Kevin McCarthy, Michael McCaul, Thad McCotter, Jim McCrery, Patrick McHenry, Buck McKeon, John Mica, Gary Miller, Jeff Miller, Marilyn Musgrave, Sue Myrick, Randy Neugebauer, Devin Nunes, Ron Paul, Stevan Pearce, Mike Pence, John Peterson, Chip Pickering, Joe Pitts, Tom Price, Adam Putnam, George Radanovich, Thomas Reynolds, Hal Rogers, Mike Rogers, Mike Rogers, Dana Rohrabacher, Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, Peter Roskam, Edward Royce, Paul Ryan, Bill Sali, Jim Saxton, Jean Schmidt, Jim Sensenbrenner, Pete Sessions, John Shadegg, John Shimkus, Bill Shuster, Lamar Smith, Adrian Smith, Mark Souder, Cliff Stearns, John Sullivan, Tom Tancredo, Lee Terry, Mac Thornberry, Todd Tiahrt, Timothy Walberg, Greg Walden, Zachary Wamp, Dave Weldon, Jerry Weller, Lynn Westmoreland, Ed Whitfield, Roger Wicker, Joe Wilson

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

The Evil Ways of Google (or yet another reason why "conservatives' need to find a better way to spend their time)

Now that republicans have made sure that children don't have access to health care and farmers don't have a sufficient labor force to harvest their crops, the "conservatives" have moved on to important things like chastising presidential candidates for not wearing tacky American flag pins on their lapels and declaring Google "unamerican".

To celebrate the anniversary of Sputnik, Google did the unthinkable and created a special Google logo for the day. Fifty years ago we were in a cold war and space race with the USSR. Allegedly, we are not enemies and we aren't supposed to hate the Russians anymore. I guess some of these old dinosaurs didn't get the memo. Not to mention the fact, that the Russians did us a favor by launching Sputnik because it put our space program into high gear. Sometimes you need a kick in the pants when you are trying to get to the moon. Besides, whoever said that space belongs to America? And in all fairness Google also commemorated the anniversary of the Lunar Landing (July 20, 2005) with this:

To prove their "point", they have also blasted Google for not making spacial logos for things like Veteran's Day and Memorial Day. There are even rumors that did not make a special logo for other holidays like the Fourth of July. They did and if you don't believe me or want to take a look at their logos you can go here.

What is this country coming to? If we don't agree, then one of us is now unamerican? The irony is so rich because the freedom to disagree was so important to our founding fathers that when they drafted the Bill of Rights this was first on their list (Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances). Frankly, all of these rabid conservatives that start all of this talk about disagreeing with what this administration is doing or celebrating achievements that non-Americans have made to science being unamerican, then they are the ones that are unamerican. And they can go to hell.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

How Starbucks Ruined The Red River Shootout

This morning was the perfect time to run some errands because most people were in Dallas for the game or already at some party getting their drink on. I decided to stop at the grocery store to get a couple of avocados. I'll be honest, I felt like doing some emotional eating while I watch the game. Have I mentioned that we are very serious about our football? Anyway, my trip to get stuff for guacamole turned into a $50 trip. How did that happen?

Because I was at the store much longer than I anticipated I was offered a sample of Starbucks Pumpkin Latte. Honestly, I think Starbucks has some of the worst coffee in the world. But I love pumpkin and I figured between the pumpkin and the latte, the coffee would be sufficiently disguised. Also, the little cups with the little straws were very appealing. With all of these things going for this itty bitty drink, how could I lose? Well, by drinking the nastiest thing ever made -- that's how. My stomach is still churning two hours later. If I had just bought the avocados and left I would be happily eating my guacamole and guzzling beer to sooth my nerves instead of chomping on Pepcid.

Go Horns.