Thursday, November 22, 2007

Gobble Gobble, Ya'll!

It has been a long time since I had seriously thought about the story of Squanto and the first Thanksgiving story. Mostly because this fairy tale version was not the first Thanksgiving, but also because the story is a little ridiculous when you start to consider our history with the Native Americans. When I learned that most of my knowledge about American history was really just an extensive knowledge of folklore, I decided that things like the story of Thanksgiving aren't so much important as the fact that you have the day off to eat, watch football, and be lazy. This was all true until yesterday when The Pineapple Mom told me about an email from a German friend on one of her listserves that heard our Thanksgiving story from one of her students and was wondering if it was true. She was doubtful. I can't say that I blame her.

Later, The Pineapple Mom sent me this link. I'm guessing that someone on the email list sent this to the German to prove that the story her student told her was true. The part that struck me as hilarious was this: On March 16, 1621, an Abnaki Indian named Samoset entered the Plymouth settlement. He welcomed the Pilgrims in English, and the next day returned with another American Indian named Squanto, who spoke English well.

Weren't the pilgrims lucky that the native folk (that according to this story, they had no prior contact with) spoke English so well? Might they have learned this perfect English from the French traders? In fact, Squanto was kidnapped and sold as a slave by Thomas Hunt, one of John Smith's lieutenants. After living in England and Ireland (thus learning English), he was finally able to return home to discover that his entire tribe was dead. And it was true that he lived with the pilgrims and taught them how to grow corn and catch fish and eels. However, he was sent by the Pokanoket tribe, to keep an eye on the pilgrims. The aforementioned Samoset, who was an Abnaki, did make the first contact with the Pilgrims and asked them for beer. He was visiting Chief Massasoit of the Pokanoket tribe.

The pilgrims didn't like or trust Squanto and neither did the tribe that sent him to act as a liaison between the two. In the end, Squanto was probably poisoned by one of the two during negotiations in 1622 since the English and the Native Americans had been killing one other off for years prior to this fairly tale like bout of helpfulness that we celebrate every November. So now we celebrate a holiday based on a mythical story of a helpful Native American that was hated by everyone that knew him. Poor Squanto.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I Thought About It

but no matter how hard I try, I can't come up with anything to write about. I guess I have blogger's block. Pity because there are all sorts of stupid things to blog about. And yet I don't care. Better luck tomorrow.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Today's Nutty Ebay Find

If you are interested and have a lot of money to buy a nut, then this auction is for you. You can buy an alleged chestnut from the tree that Anne Frank could see from her window when she was hiding from the Nazis. The seller will give you proof of his residence as proof that the chestnut is really from that tree. That is indisputable proof, no? Maybe you are thinking you can just go get your own Anne Frank chestnut instead of paying a huge sum for such a small nut? Well, you better get over to Keizersgracht 188 in Amsterdam, The Netherlands, real quick like because they are chopping down the disease ridden tree on the 21st. You can get there if you leave right away. And there isn't anything more traditional than Thanksgiving at a hash bar. But if you decide you just can't make the trip, bidding was up to $10,100.00 when I last checked and the auction ends November 20th at 18:38:26 PST. Get cracking, people!

Another Thing You Should Not Watch

With the upcoming holiday, you may be considering going to the movies. My family likes to go to the movies on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Twelve years ago, the Thanksgiving movie wasn't so much an option. But since UT joined the Big 12 and got screwed out of our traditional Thanksgiving Day game with the Aggies(its on Friday now), this is no longer a problem. Back to my real point, if you are thinking about going to a movie this weekend just skip Beowolf. You may be saying to yourself, "Hey, Pineapple! But its in 3-D! It is going to be good!" Well, not so much. Go see one of the other mediocre holiday movies out there. By the time the movie started, I was super excited. The fact that there were two trailers for other 3-D movies was very exciting. I've been waiting for 3-D movies to come back into style since The Pineapple Dad took me to see The House of Wax when I was a child. And, yes, I am the kind of person that would go see a smell-o-vision movie if they had them. I get excited about movies with gimmicks.

When I was in high school, they made us read an abridged version of Beowolf which was missing any sexual references. I hated it because it was too long and there was not enough action. I guess back when this was written people liked that kind of thing. It was my thought that people talking and doing stuff would fix this problem. Unfortunately, the story was still slow and long. About halfway through the movie, The Pineapple Dad started complaining that the movie was never going to end. This made me laugh because I was thinking the same thing. 500 hours later, it finally ended. After the movie, MOTL(My One True Love) said he was considering walking out and waiting for us in the lobby but decided the theater seats would be more comfortable than waiting for us outside for how many years it was going to take for the movie to end. For some reason, The Pineapple Mom liked it. Going into this, I had figured we would like it and she wouldn't. How wrong I was about the whole thing!

If you are thinking that it is worth it just because it is in 3-D, you are mistaken still. I think they threw the same battle ax to the right of my face about 50 times and I lost track how many times they used the ground level shot so they could kick rocks and dirt to the right of my face. At one point in the movie they used this trick about every 30 seconds. The twenty minutes of 3-D in the last Harry Potter movie were much more impressive. They managed to make you feel like you were in the middle of the action. Things came at your face from all directions and things zipped past your head from the back. With the surround sound added into the mix, you could hear it coming but you were alway surprised at how it almost missed hitting you. Because of this, I know that 3-D can be a much more intense experience. The other big problem with Beowolf, was that all of the people were creepy because their bodies did not move properly and their faces did not have any expressive movement.

Since I saw The House of Wax, 3-D glasses have changed. And not for the better. They look cooler because they look like a cheap version of Ray Bans. But the goofy glasses at the IMAX are much more comfortable. Because I wear glasses, I had to put these tight fitting 3-D glasses over mine. By the time I had spent 1000 hours in that movie, my face really hurt. I think the people that designed these 3-D glasses are the same people that had no problem beating up kids wearing glasses on the playground. Note to Hollywood: not everyone is so vain that they had to have lasik or wear contacts to hide the flaw of having bad vision. While I may consider the surgery someday, I will never stick my fingers in my eyes day after day. Besides, my glasses are really cool.

So the point of all of this? Beowolf was a crappy movie.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Monkey Business

I read that in northeast India the monkeys are phone hogs and love to drink Cokes. Unfortunately since they don't have jobs they have to resort to stealing these things. These monkeys will pick your pocket so they can play "how's the weather over there?" with your cell phone. People's phone bills have been outrageous! Others come into homes to take drinks out of the fridge and watch football with their hands down their pants. Some of the monkeys are more mischievous and slap people that try to chase them off. Of course, none of these monkeys compare to the murdering monkeys in New Delhi.

Maybe these monkeys have an addition to Vanilla Coke like I used to? The only thing that broke my habit was that they stopped making it for a while. I guess everyone in India should stop using cell phones and give up Cokes until the monkeys back off. That, or they can stop destroying their homes. You know, just whatever is easier.

** Note to Mojo: have you noticed all of the links I added just for you?

Saturday, November 17, 2007

How Bad Could It Be?

I was watching Best Week Ever and this week they declared "Moral Bankruptcy" was having the best week ever. Then they went on to talk about this video on the internet that was so bad that they couldn't show it on TV. What they did show was videos that people took of themselves watching this video. There were even videos that people took when they showed their mom this video. Now that is moral bankruptcy. To be honest, my maturity level isn't all that so naturally I wanted to see the video. I was thinking, "How bad could it be?" Really. Fucking. Bad. I didn't have the stomach to watch the whole thing. It was that ill. Do not watch it. And if you are wondering, my reaction was a lot like this:

I Can't Drive 55

It has recently come to light that Alex Roy, rally driver extraordinaire, broke the Cannonball Run record of 32 hours and 7 minutes set in 1983. His time? 31 hours and 4 minutes. While that is pretty cool, the guys in 1983 were racing and he just drove it on his own. I just don't see how he can make a cool documentary like the racing guys. And I really want to see the racing guys movie. But maybe the whole downplaying of Alex Roy's trip is the jealousy talking.

Ever since I saw Cannonball Run at age... well, I was nowhere near being old enough to drive. I saw past the slapstick comedy to the excitement of racing across the country and I totally wanted to do it. Even at that certain unnamed age. I have no problem with an average speed of 95 mph and am quite willing to go much faster. And if you are wondering, I have not had that many speeding tickets. I got one two years ago and I was hardly speeding. Is it really that bad going 78 mph in a 70 mph zone? But a word of friendly advice -- take defensive driving online because you barely have to pay attention to pass with flying colors and the music videos about driving are hysterical. Before that unfortunate ticket, my last ticket was in 1995. Considering my lead foot and much driving around Texas, New Mexico and Oklahoma that isn't so bad.

Friday, November 16, 2007

One Week Down

As the end of my first week of work was coming to a close, I finally got a working computer. Well, sort of. I still don't have access to the program I need to do part of my job. But close enough for government work, right? Seriously, my computer was hooked up at 4 o'clock this afternoon. That gave me enough time to go through most of my email for the week. Boy, do they send around a lot of pointless email at the government.

My lack of computer contributed to my lack of real work today. Instead I spent the majority of my day stealing furniture for my office. It was kind of like that one red paper clip guy except I started with nothing and ended up with a decent table for my office. It is not easy getting furniture from the government. First you have to find what it is you want (a small table) and then get a junky computer table that is falling apart and is missing laminate and then talk people into trading the shitty table for a better table. Once you convince someone that they want to trade, then you have to talk to their supervisor to approve the trade. Then you have to smuggle the table back to your office even though this trade was approved by a supervisor. This is because you haven't been authorized to have this table by the person in charge of supplies. And you don't want to cross the person in charge of the supplies because you really need supplies to push your paper.

Of course, now that I have this table I plan to switch it with a better one that is in a common area. I considered just taking the table to begin with, but it was the home to a stapler in a common area located across the hall from The Controller of All Things Supply. Now, I just have to wait until the coast is clear to make the switch. This is on my To Do List for Monday at 5:01 p.m.

The table saga continues...

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Curse Of The Wet Pants

This morning didn't start out too well. I finally got in my car to make my 7 minute commute. I wasn't really awake so I took a cup of coffee with me. The problem is that the mug was too big for the cup holder. Why not a travel mug you ask? Because I haven't got one anymore. I don't know why, but I don't. So I have the coffee sitting on the console which was alright for driving down the highway. However, the whole coffee cup plus right turn brings those inconvenient physics into play and next thing I remember is that I forgot to grab the cup before I turned. I remembered this as coffee was going across my legs. Good thing I was wearing black pants.

Next liquid disaster was at lunch when I poured some of my iced tea in my lap. Since I was at lunch with my coworkers and boss, that really made it special. Good thing I was wearing black pants. Do you think they are wondering why they hired someone too stupid to drink an iced tea? I had a self imposed ban on liquids for the rest of the day because I just couldn't take the discomfort of wet pants anymore. I suppose I need to invest in a sippy cup to prevent diaper rash.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Too Tired To Blog

Maybe going for sushi at lunch will give me more energy to blog after work tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Is It Really A Standoff

If only the police show up? That's what happened today at McBride's. According to their website, they have one of the largest inventories in the world. So naturally, where else would you go to blockade yourself inside of to have a standoff? The only problem was that the burglar was long gone with the goods before the fuzz got to the scene. That, and the door was wide open -- the first sign that someone has locked them self in a gun store. But that didn't stop the police from having a nine hour standoff. So if they were the only ones there, does that make it a standoff?

Monday, November 12, 2007

Pineapple Reporting For Duty

Of course, I'm still on the fence about this whole job thing. I have to get up and go to work for 8 whole days (7 to go) before I get any paid holidays. They are total slave drivers! Other than the whole unreasonableness of their willingness to give out paid holidays like candy and everyone I work with is nice (and it isn't just temporary behavior because this pineapple did a background check on these people -- or maybe I just talked to a former employee), I think this whole job thing might work out. I'm not exactly sure what my job really is, but I'm pretty sure I will be able to do it. At least I'm confident that once they give me a computer to produce actual work product that I will be able to do my job. Ain't government work swell?

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Here A Strike, There A Strike, Everywhere A Strike Strike

The writer's strike continues. Old news, huh? Now, more celebrities started picketing once production of their shows were halted for lack of scripts. Now that picketing has become trendy, I wonder how long it will take for the designers to start picketing collections for the celebrities? It could be a runway show with signs.

We are also finding out which stars are cool and which ones have turned out to be lame. I always thought Jay Leno was lame, but he turns out to be cool because he refused to cross the picket line and go back to work. NBC is now looking for guest hosts to replace him. Resorting scab celebrities already? Ellen Degeneres skipped work on Monday in solidarity with her writers (that was cool), but then returned to work the next day (that was lame). She is going to continue doing her show sans monologue to show her support of the writer's strike. She skipped two shows because she was upset about a dog, but only one show because the writer's are getting the short end of the stick. That is really lame. Maybe she can do double duty and guest host on The Tonight Show.

And now there is an ex-president in the mix. I suppose Bill Clinton has gotten bored with his wife's campaign (or he is tired of being second fiddle?) because he has offered to mediate talks to end the writer's strike. Or is he worried that his soaps are going to be going off the air soon? I know I am. Wouldn't it be fun if some other bored ex-world leaders got into the negotiations too? It would be like mock world domination and they could air it in lieu of 24 (which has been postponed indefinitely because they can't show all 24 episodes in a row). Now that's entertainment!

For those of you in New York and thinking that you might catch a Broadway show instead of watching TV, you are out of luck. The Broadway stagehands have gone on strike. A handful of shows were able to negotiate deals with the stagehands and can continue production, but the rest of Broadway will be dark. No Wicked for you. Wondering what you options are? You can see Mary Poppins, Xanadu, Young Frankenstein, The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, Pygmalion, The Ritz, Mauritius and Cymbeline. If you aren't a fan people singing on roller skates, you will have to go to an Off-Broadway show.

The rest of us will have to make New Year's resolutions to read more and watch reality shows.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Cross Your Chopstick Bra

Hey, ladies! Do you often wonder where you should carry your own chopsticks because you just hate being wasteful by using disposable ones? Well, look no further than the "My Hashi" or "My Chopsticks" bra! You will never have to carry your chopsticks in your purse again! Not only can you store your own compact chopsticks in the side pouches, but it is fashionable with the cups made to look like a bowl of rice and a bowl of miso soup. There is nothing classier than digging your chopsticks out of your bra in the middle of a restaurant!

Friday, November 09, 2007

Happy Birthday, Dear Blog, Happy Birthday To You!

Two years ago today, I started The Pineapple Report. I was blogging about nothing then and not much has changed today. I will continue to blog about a bunch of nothing until I don't anymore. How's that for vague and uplifting? Since I never started blogging about something in particular, I think it is safe to say that I have no plans to grow or change as a blogger. Oh well, let's eat cake. Looks good, doesn't it?

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Tour de Texas

Now that Lance Armstrong got his proposition for cancer funding passed, the media is all about him running for office. Are they for real? He has proven himself to be an articulate speaker and quite the bad ass on a bike. But does that qualify him to be Governor or a U.S. Senator? Oh, wait. I guess it does. When you look at the last two yahoos Texans have elected to be Governor, it is obvious that even a box of rocks is qualified.

And our Senators haven't been that great either. John Cornyn doesn't even know how to send replies to the letters his constituents send. Well, at least he hasn't replied to any of mine and I've sent him quite a few. That, and he is total asshat. The Breck Girl (Kay Bailey Hutchinson) has been decent in that she writes back, but until the whole SCHIP thing she has stuck with her party. Thus, she is an asshat to a slighter degree. I do wonder about someone that is considering quitting the Senate to be Governor. Our Governor has no power, so why would you do that?

I guess the only thing Lance Armstrong can do now to ruin his chances is if he dates both of the Olsen twins at the same time, I mean we are a red state after all.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

I Got A Job!!!

I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!

And I'm not talking about Macy's. It is a real live lawyer job with benefits!!!
Ironically, Macy's also called to officially extend me a job offer for the seasonal position just an hour later. I wonder how many other job offers I will get today?

OMG! A Smart-Off!

What do you do when you can't decide who is the least smartest most smartest model? You have a Smart-Off! You should have seen the faces on Blonde Rachel and Lisa. They may have been the bottom of the barrel in the smarts this week, but they knew that they should be worried. I really thought that Lisa would have this in the bag, because Blonde Rachel makes Mandy Lynn look like a genius. But then Blonde Rachel proved that she could do simple math (you win $15 dollars if you win a bet with 3 to 1 odds)and about politics (Bush ran against Kerry in 2004). Of course when asked what country the region Darfur was located in, she answered Arabia. When Lisa had a chance at this question she replied that it sounded like a men's cologne. But Blonde Rachel's luck is going to run out next when we learn that she doesn't know how to cut simple geometric shapes. OMG! How do you make a triangle?


Apparently lots of things wash up on shore in the Netherlands. First it was the Giant Lego Man and now it is bananas -- and lots of them. Thousands of Cuban bananas have washed up on the shore of two Dutch North Sea islands. It seems that this is nothing unusual for Terschelling island (one of the now banana rich islands). Last year thousands of tennis shoes, aluminum briefcases and children's toys washed ashore. And twenty years ago it was sweaters. Awesome.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Today's Great Buy on Ebay

Looking to buy a small town in Texas? Well, look no further because Albert, Texas is for sale on Ebay. As of this morning, the bidding was at $3,000,100.00. Not bad for a historic town. Like Luckenbach, it has a population of 4 (and both towns are named after Albert Luckenbach. Sweet!). Included in this purchase is the schoolhouse that was attended by LBJ, an Icehouse to see live music and it is in the middle of Texas wine country. According to the current owner, Bobby Cave, "[t]he bar nets about $85,000 in beer and T-shirts each year and has the cleanest public restrooms in Texas." I don't know what else a pineapple could want. If I win the lottery in time, I am so going to buy it. I want to be the Mayor of Albert, Texas!

Monday, November 05, 2007


As one of the many members of the unemployed, I can only take so much internet before I have to watch TV. That's right I need to watch silly TV shows. They make me whole. Well now the writers have gone on strike (and I don't blame them). First, the talk shows go into rerun. Not that I care about that all that much. I like The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, but I don't really watch them on a regular basis. But next, they are going to screw with my daytime story. They only tape a week or so in advance. How the hell can I keep track of where the brain is in Oakdale if my show isn't even on? Bastards! Of course, the last time the writers went on strike it was over before you could blink. This time, I'm not so sure. I guess TV junkies like myself have a lot of reality TV to look forward to.

King Tut, How'd You Get So Funky?

That is a face that only a mother could love. Everybody is all excited about being able to see King Tut's face for the first time, but really all it does for me is make me think of that song Steve Martin did in 1978. That and I don't really want to go look at dead people all that much. But I guess if you are the kind of person that likes the viewing at funerals, then this exhibit may be for you. All you have to do is go to Egypt. Or you could wait for the encore tour of his stuff to come back to the States in the Fall of 2008.

Until then, this will have to tide you over.

And the short answer about how he got so funky? That would be the Mummification.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

November Is Write Until Your Fingers Bleed Month

This month we are supposed to blog everyday because it is National Blog Posting Month. Also known by the catchy moniker NaBloPoMo. Just rolls off the tongue doesn't it? If you don't have a blog, you are supposed to get one and start blogging everyday. If you have one, you are supposed to write a post everyday. I think of myself as more of a binge blogger. Sometimes I just can't say enough and other times I don't have a single thing to say. I suppose that is better than binge eating. I guess I will give it a go, but don't be surprised when you find entries about who has the brain in Oakdale (I think Katie left town with it because it sure isn't Carly or anyone else in Oakdale). I know inquiring minds want to know!

It seems that it is also National Novel Writing Month. The whole point of this is to write a 50,000 word novel in one month. Their catchy moniker? NaNoWriMo, of course! Since I didn't officially register to take on this daunting endeavor I think I will stick with the novel I started and keep the time table of "when I finish I'll be finished" that I already set up for myself. Is much less stressful this way.

Too bad Script Frenzy isn't in November too because then we could do all three things in one month -- become a model blogger, write the next Great American Novel, and write a summer blockbuster. That would really make your finger bleed.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

I May Be A People Person

I had my interview at Macy's yesterday. I think I've been on too many job interviews because I was able to explain how my experience as an attorney qualified me to sell women's ready to wear (and I even kept straight face!). I think I'm going to get the job. Unfortunately you don't get the benefit of the employee discount until you have completed the "season". I guess I will hold off on all of that spending until the end. You know mall work pays well! The upside of this job is that I have to wear all blacck. Now I have to decide what kind of costume to wear to work. Should I be goth? A beatnik? I just can't decide!

The irony is that I got a message from a promising lawyer-type job wanting an interview while I was being interviewed for my dream customer service job. I wonder if I can do both jobs so I can get a new work wardrobe at a discount?

Friday, November 02, 2007

The Summer of the Chupacabra Is Over

I guess summer has been over for a while even though the air conditioner has only been off for a couple of weeks. But the DNA results for the Chupacabra of Cuero came back. They say it is just a plain ole coyote. Scientists say the "DNA sequence is virtually identical to a coyote." But then again, do they want us worrying about a blood sucking fiend running around?

If It Were Only As Fun As It Sounded

Because Michael Mukasey refuses to declare that waterboarding is torture, we may not have a new Attorney General. Maybe he is confusing it with wakeboarding and thinks it is some sort of water sport? Maybe he is the Mandy Lynn of America's Most Smartest Attorney General nominees? Unfortunately, for Mukasey there are a lot of people that think dumping water on someone's face to give them the sensation of drowning in order to make them confess is torture and not a super fun water sport. But now that those sticklers on the Judiciary Committee can't accept the water sportiness of torture, Baby Boy Bush has stomped his foot and told them that maybe we wouldn't have an Attorney General at all. What kind of threat is that? We all know that Alberto could never be replaced (please see the 1000s of previous entries for my tributes to Alberto if you don't believe me). And the way the Justice Department has been managed in the past, maybe things would work just as well if not better without a monkey in charge. Or maybe I'm just bitter because I sent in a resume and didn't even get a response? Personally, I'm rooting for the none of the above Attorney General. It's not like Baby Boy Bush cares what the Constitution says anyway so it won't matter if no one is in charge.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

My Next Challenge... to be a people person. Seriously. I have an interview at Macy's tomorrow for a seasonal position. Fingers crossed everyone! An employee discount and crazy Christmas shoppers may be in my near future. And if I am a really good girl maybe Tim Gunn will show up to teach me how to make a wedding gown from Martha Stewart's linens.