Monday, July 31, 2006

Health Food

I think I mentioned that I caught something gross from the airplane, airport, whatever. So after work, I went to the Albertsons to get some "get better provisions" (things like Tylenol and Gatorade). I saw the aisle for "Health Food" (it is on the same aisle with cereal) so I went to check it out. The only food on the aisle that was not cereal was Carr crackers and your run of the mill Matzo supplies and gefilte fish. I guess they didn't have an aisle for "Shit we think is weird 'round these parts". Needless to say, I wasn't having an overwhelming urge to be Kosher (especially since I'm not Jewish) so I stuck with the not healthy foods in the store.

But this was not my first run in with health food today. While in Lovington I saw that there is a health food store across the street from the courthouse. Everything had been in there so long that all of the labels were sun bleached. Something tells me that if that stuff has been there that long that the food isn't so healthy. Just a thought.

I don't know who you are

but you are not my friend. Thanks you, anonymous traveler that gave me some nasty illness. Like flying to West Nowhere on two late planes and then driving another hour and a half after that wasn't enough. You have to go and spread your wealth of germs. Yuck. That being said, here is a quick run down of my adventures.

As the Pineapple Parents were taking me to the airport I realized that I was wrong about my departure time. I thought my plane was leaving half an hour earlier than it was (guess that's better than thinking it was later). Then as I was getting out of the car I managed to slice open my finger. I was waiting to check my bag when I realized that it was gushing blood. Thankfully, they had a band aid to give me. Going through security was quick and easy, so naturally my plane was 20 minutes late. Way to add an hour to my waiting time. After getting a book and something to drink, I heard my name over the loud speaker. Since I was on the phone with Pineapple Mom, I didn't know why or where I was supposed to go. How lucky, I went to the right counter by accident. Southwest was putting me on another flight so I would not miss my connection. Right on... to Dallas... to wait for over an hour for my really late connecting flight. I don't know what happened yesterday, but it really slowed me down.

Since it was so late in the day, this was the last flight of the day for the crew on this plane. I don't know if the flight attendant is always this punchy, but she really cracked me up. Usually, I totally block out the plane lessons or whatever they are. Here are some of the finer points of her speech:
1. Here on Southwest we have a special smoking section. Its on the wing so if you can light it, you can smoke it.
2. We do not expect a sudden drop in cabin pressure and if we did, we wouldn't have come to work today.
3. Should the cabin lose pressure, stop screaming, let go your neighbor's leg and pull down on the oxygen mask. If you are sitting by a child or someone acting like a child secure your oxygen mask before helping them.

After that, I drove through the dark Panhandle to the lovely town of Hobbs.

I'm in Hobbs, New Mexico

and I am tired. I will blog about my latest adventures in flying after I have had some sleep. Good night, Irene.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

The next edition of the Saturday edition

After all of the stupidity of my day, I was pleased to have a new fancy phone. I don't have to pay for ringtones because I can send songs from my computer directly to my phone. Cool! So naturally, I drove right past the pet store and went to the house to show my one true love my cool new gadget. After doing a quick clean up of the house, the Pineapple Parents stopped by with some dinner and then I remembered what I forgot to do. Get the dogs some food and pet tags. By the way, have I mentioned that I have the greatest parents on earth? The Pineapple Parents are cool.

So after the Pineapple Parents leave, I go to the pet store to get food and dog tags. Let's just start this part of the story with the idea that I'm not really sure that I ever want to go back there again. I get behind this complete idiot in the parking lot that stopped for a minute or so before every speed bump. By the time the dumbass decided it was safe to drive over the bump, there would be a pedestrian walking. More waiting. I'm not really sure what, if anything, was going on in that dumbass' head but after an unusually long wait to drive over the speed bump I finally took to the horn. That did nothing but cause more confusion. After that, I just accepted the fact that it was going to take longer to navigate the parking lot than to drive to the store.

I finally parked and went into the store. I picked up the food and grabbed a couple of fun toys for the ladies. I get to the counter and naturally the pet tag machine is broken. Of course. Then the guy in line behind me started telling me that the toys I bought were too big for puppies. I told him that he didn't even know what kind of dogs I have. Where do people get off?

Finally I went home and all was well.

The End

Insanity, Pineapple style -- Saturday's edition

This morning started off on the right foot, so why did it go so wrong? All I needed to do was fill two prescriptions and buy a new phone. How hard could that be? Trust me, hard. The first pharmacy didn't have one of them, the second pharmacy didn't have the other. The third pharmacy had both, but my insurance wont let me pick one up until tomorrow. I hate the insurance company.

Next thing, the phone. My phone is a piece of shit and you can't hear what anyone is saying so I have to use the speakerphone. No such thing as a private conversation. I went to the Cingular store and was told that because I am not a profitable customer that they couldn't give me a discount on a new phone. I think I would have taken it better if they had just told me that because of my contract, they couldn't give me a cheap phone. The fact that I have been a customer since 1999 and I bought a new phone at full price in December, I don't think that I am breaking the bank for Cingular. And if the plan they gave me is not a profitable one, and they offered the same deal to millions of other customers then why haven't they folded? The thing that really pushed me over the edge is when the sales rep told me that if I couldn't afford to buy a phone I could just buy one on Craig's List. I made a brilliant scene at the store and left. Still no working phone.

In the middle of all of this bullshit, I have this new lawyer we hired to help on the new big project calling me every five minutes asking me things like how to rent a car. Are you fucking kidding me? Then it gets better, he's lost his driver's license. Now instead of meeting me in New Mexico on Sunday night he will be there Monday (or maybe someday). I'm so glad that I'm going to have to hold his goddamn hand. We found a really good attorney, but she had a family emergency.

So then I stopped by my The Pineapple Parents' house to say hello. I ate a sandwich and vented. They are so great. But then my dad tricked me into helping him repair the vacuum. That was fun since he really isn't a fix it kind of guy. I really liked it when he turned it on and it tried to attack me. I don't like being run over by vacuum cleaners.

So, it was off for round two of phone buying. Obviously, I had to go to a different store. I was helped by the sweetest gay boy and left with a princess phone (it is pink after all).

The End

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Grandma drops her lawsuit

That's too bad. I was really looking forward to the stupidity of it all. Carole Four Names is giving into the fact that she can't be Carole Five Names. I guess she will just have to marry someone else to get back up to five. How boring of her. I am worried that race to the Governor's office won't be as crazy as it could be. We can just hope that as the weather cools off that the race will heat up. I hope for some good debates and some real shit slinging this fall. Please?

Off to different parts of the world (and off my rocker)

For months I have had this big project looming over my head that was on and then it was off, it was on and then it was off. You get the point. Well, now it is back on. I've been in Houston working out of this awful building all week. I think the people that designed the elevator system were total speed demons or related to M. C. Escher. I am not really sure why I have to take three different elevators and an escalator just to get to the floor I'm working on. And the big question is why I can get back down on only two elevators. Do you see the design flaw?

So, starting on Sunday I am off to different parts of Texas and New Mexico. And, for once, I will have help. Did I mention that this was a BIG project? Or that I don't have enough help? I will be in exile for two weeks (not even home for the weekend). And then if things stay on, I will be up in the most glamorous parts of New Mexico and the Panhandle until the end of September.

Let the new adventure begin!

Insanity, Pineapple style -- the ER edition

So, the past two weeks have been a blur and completely crazy. Not always in a ha-ha-funny way, but in a that-is-fucking-certifiable-straight-jacket-worthy way. I am going to skip over a lot of things that happened. Many of them are not funny. Also, you know my true identity and I don't want to reveal my superhero identity to the world by divulging too much.

First there is my crazy travel schedule from last week: going to George West, Rockport and Hallettesville in the same week. Back and forth across the state is so fun. I don't even remember what I saw that was any interest. I have the feeling that some humorous things happened but they are long gone.

Second, I have two new dogs. My one true love called me as I drove to Hallettsville on Thursday to tell me about the strays he put in the back yard. I took a hard line of taking them to Animal Trustees to be adopted by a good home by the weekend. They were starving, had been abused, and were completely attached to one another. I admit it, I fell in love instantly... We have named them and they are part of the crazy clan.

That same day, my one true love also had his son at our house.

The Saturday before, my one true love slipped and got a "really bad sprain." I thought it was more than that, but he insisted he's be fine and refused to go to the emergency room. After Sunday I left town and did not have a real idea of how well he was healing.

By Thursday, my one true love admitted it was more than a sprain and asked me to take him to the ER when I got back to town that night.

To recap, I have a hurt love, a child at my house, and two dogs in the backyard.

I called the ex-crazy to tell her that I would drop her child off on the way to the ER. She refused and said she would pick him up. An hour later I got home. The child was there, she had called my one true love saying she would pick him up from the emergency room. Why the fuck would anyone think it would be OK to take a child with special needs to the ER? And why would I believe she would do it after she just lied to me. I drove over there and dropped him off.

So off to the ER. Five hours later, my one true love had an acute ankle fracture and an acute knee sprain. During the five hour wait here is a list some of the evening's events:
1. 20 people came with their friend to the ER. They were loud and it was a relief when they finally left.
2. We took a poll of the people waiting to see how many people were there because they had a slip and fall. There were 4.
3. We met a crazy (and very drunk) couple on their first date. She broke her ankle. She and my one true love spent their wait drinking Diet Coke (a.k.a a sippy cup bigger than my head full of beer).
4. The lady that worked at the IHOP kept telling me that she knew me from somewhere. Later we found out she had strep throat. I'm so glad I didn't catch it because she kept getting right up in my face to talk to me.
5. The nurse gave my one true love a shot for the pain. He kept insisting she give it to him in the ankle because that was where he was hurt. She insisted on giving it to him in the arm. He kept arguing with her. I told him, "take it in the arm or don't take it alt all." I was cranky too by this point. She stabbed him. He kept complaining that she stabbed his bone with the needle for the next 30 minutes.
6. After the drugs kicked in, my one true love insisted on going to the morgue. I told him to shut up or he would have to visit it for real.
7. We made friends with the janitor, the x-ray tech, and many other hospital employees. My one true love offered each of them $20 to take him to the morgue. I'm really sure how well that would have worked since he didn't have any cash. I sure wasn't going to give him the money.

What comes afterward, is crazy but ugly. So we will just skip that drama. Some things are better left forgotten (and sometimes you should hold a grudge).

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Today's big shock is:

That Andrea Yates isn't going to spend the rest of her life in jail, not that 'N Sync's Lance Bass is gay.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Friday, July 21, 2006

Insanity, Pineapple style

Over the past few days I have witnessed and been party to quite a bit of insanity. Think of this blog entry of a teaser blog of stories to come...

This blog sponsored by the pharmaceutical industry.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

It is not a secret

That the new "I've Got A Secret" on the Game Show Network is special. The panel is made up of fake celebrities. Back in the day, the celebrity panel was made up real has been celebrities. Match Game was full of them. I was found the world champion cup stacker hypnotic and the woman that made art from human ashes insane. I was really disturbed that the biggest celebrity was Glen Campbell (as in the Rhinestone Cowboy) and his secret was that he can play the bag pipes. Then, he played them.

by the way

thanks for the advisory. If I hadn't read online I would have never guessed that it is really fucking hot in Texas. The fact that it was 106 degrees in George West did not clue me in. And I really wasn't sure whenever I stepped outside that I was instantly soaking wet with sweat and felt my skin cooking from the heat.

Bad, fake princess, bad!

As the Pineapple Princess I take great offense that people think it is alright to pretend to be a princess. Besides, it is just foolish to rip off an insurance company. If the law doesn't throw the book at that fraud, the insurance company will get her.

On the road again...

Today was another interesting day in the life of this traveling pineapple. Early this morning I was off to George West (again). But this time I went to the field office instead of the courthouse. Usually when I have to determine the location of a property, I go straight to the books. But not today. I got to ride around in a big pickup truck and look and valve sites and meter sites. But of course, once the fun and games were over it was back to the courthouse basement. After I finished for the day I decided to stay in George West and drive to my next destination in the morning. But for some reason George West was really popular today and the motels were all booked. This leads to the question of "why?". But there is no answer for that. But I'm so glad they were.

As I was driving to Rockport, I was following a work truck. And it was a good thing. First he slowed down for the speed trap. But then something unexpected happened. He swerved into the left lane for no apparent reason. And then I saw why. There was a little old man standing by the side of the road, wearing a hardhat, holding a garbage bag and throwing things at the passing cars. I guess he is the weird little old man of the county and everyone knows to steer clear of his throwing arm. I have no idea what he threw at me. I'm just glad he missed. So now I'm off to find some good seafood. For once I get to work some place that has stuff to do.

Friday, July 14, 2006

If you are looking for a job

I have some advice. I have been reviewing resumes for the past few days and I can tell you a few things. First, use the spell check on your computer. If you can't even give me a good resume, why should I believe you would do a good job? Second, do not put down a list of your interests or hobbies unless they are really interesting. I don't give a flying fuck if you play with your kids, that you have a black lab puppy, or if you are a Mormon. Third, don't send your resume to a potential employer if you are grossly under qualified. Applying for every job out there is a waste of my time and yours. Fourth, if you want to follow up on your resume submission, do not send the potential employer an email every day asking if anyone has looked at your resume. That is not being persistent, that is stalking.

Monday, July 10, 2006

No Grandma for you!

It is official Carole only has four names. I'm glad we have that settled (that is, until her next marriage). The Secretary of State ruled that she can not have "Grandma" as part of her name on November's ballot. Thank god she will be filing suit in the next few days. She should really drag this embarrassing debacle out as long as possible. The two "partied" candidates have issued their statements about how foolish she is. Blah blah blah...

And just in case you were wondering, the other independent will be listed as Richard "Kinky" Friedman.

Barbie has a new dream car!

I spent the day in lovely Hallettsville today.  The best thing about the trip was a fun car I got to drive.  I've been driving my mom's car since mine died.  Her car needed to go in for maintenance and they give you a loner car.  You know, to rope you into buying a new and better car than they one they are fixing.  Let's just say that the new BMW X3 goes really fast.

So, with the exception of pretending that I was on the autobahn today it was pretty uninteresting.  That is, until I got back to Austin.  That is when I saw Barbie's new dream car.  She drives a pink H2 Hummer with pretty, pretty flowers and her name on it.  Seeing the back of this car just wasn't enough, so I pulled up next to it.  Naturally, it was full of unnatural blondes.  And just my luck! The windows were rolled down!  At the next stop light, I rolled down my window and asked if they were giving away free Barbie products.  That was when I got four looks of death.  I thought it might be like the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile.  Apparently Barbie doesn't give away anything for free.  I guess Ken will always have to pay for not being anatomically correct.

Oh crap

Tom DeLay is making trouble again. Now he is thinking about running for his seat now that he may have to stay on the ballot. I guess it just depends on what the 5th circuit does with his appeal. There's no telling since the 5th is pretty conservative. He may get what he wants. But, Judge Sparks' ruling did follow the letter of the law (no judicial activism there) so they may play along. Ole Tommy was back in Sugar Land this weekend to test the waters for making a run at his abandoned seat. We'd all be better off with the golden retriever that's running for Governor of Alaska.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Where have all the brothels gone?

Today started out with a disappointment on my part. On my way back from Houston last Friday I saw a huge billboard with a picture of a cartoon beaver and it simply read "75 miles."” Unfortunately, my exit was well before the "“75 mile beaver place"” so I never found out what it was. I had all sorts of ideas of what it could be. I was really hoping it was a billboard for a brothel and it was code for "“you can get laid in 75 miles"”. Today as I was driving to Goliad I saw the same sign, but it was 32 miles away. I thought, "“holy shit, I found the brothel!"” But no. It was not a brother at all. It was some huge convenience store/gas station/truck stop called Buc-ee'’s. How lame. Texas needs a new Chicken Ranch (a/k/a The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas).

Goliad was, well, Goliad. I'’ve already pointed out some its finer points in a previous blog. However, there was one thing I missed the last time around and it was staring right at me when I walked into the County Clerk'’s office. A sign that read:"Good Morning, This is GOD! I will be handling all your problems today. I do not need your help so have a good day." Fuck the First Amendment.

Then it was off to George West for more fun and games. Not that exciting of a drive unless you are a rancher because I'’ve never seen this part of Texas so green this time of year. Although we are still technically in a drought all of the rain weÂ've had lately is a good thing. If you are not a rancher, I have something interesting for you. As I was leaving Beeville, I saw a warning sign on the side of the road that had a picture of a horse pulling a buggy. What the hell? Is there an Amish community in Beeville that I don'’t know about?

It has been a Kinky kind of DeLay

Kinky is gaining in the polls. According to one poll, he has pulled ahead to second place. Frankly, I don’t give a shit who wins so long as it isn’t Pretty Boy Perry (who still leads in all the polls). He has managed to destroy our voting rights, our schools, and has taxed the hell out of small businesses. Way to stick it to the little guy, asshole. If you live in Texas, go vote this November. It only takes a plurality to win, so the one with the most votes wins.

And speaking of voting. Judge Sam Sparks agreed that Tom DeLay must stay on the ballot and the Republicans can't declare him "ineligible" to run. No last place replacements for you and a Democrat will represent Sugar Land! For once, a judge that has read the US Constitution and is willing to declare that ole Tommy breaks the law.

That's one way to avoid jail

Way to die Kenneth Lay. You ripped off your employees, you ripped off your customers, you ripped of the taxpayers and then you died before paying for your crimes. You know most people don'’t get to vacation before their stint in prison. Ken Lay on the otherhand, had the luxury of dying during his Colorado vacation instead of taking a visit to the big house. Asshole. He deserved to live so he could go to prison. And now that he is dead, it will be even more difficult to recover the money he stole.