Monday, December 29, 2008

Let's Build A Fence

This is the sixth post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

One of the more ridiculous plans associated with the politics of fear and keeping foreigners out of our country as a safety measure is "The Great Fence of Mexico". Because a fence along the border of Mexico is going to keep us safe. Seriously. Don't you remember high level Republicans telling us how dire the border situation is because we don't know why those people from Mexico want to enter this country illegally? Never mind that this fence randomly cuts through private property, border towns, and college campuses. Never mind that there is a ridiculous price tag attached to this fence. And that this fence was never finished. But nevertheless, this fence is really super important ya'll because we really need this fence to keep us safe from terrorists. Obviously no one will ever be able to get over that fence.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

R.I.P. Eartha Kitt

When I read about her death, they claimed she was best known for singing "Santa Baby", but this is the song that I associate with Eartha Kitt. Here's to the hottest Catwoman. C'est Si Bon.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Even Barney is Fed Up!

This is a special Christmas Edition of my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

Every year the Bush family has subjected Barney to some sort of Christmas adventure. In 2001, Barney and Spotty tell us all about decorating the White House for Christmas through a series of pictures with really lame dialogue. By 2002, the technology of home videos hits the White House and the Barney Cam is born. In 2003, Barney decides to play ball instead of decorating the White House and leaves Alberto Gonzales on his own to figure out where to hang a wreath. This is also the year that Dick Cheney is removed from the White House Christmas website. Bah humbug! And the scroogery continues in 2004 when they decide not to make a new Barney movie and just post the two previous videos. Lame!

2005 presented a new challenge to Barney: Miss Beazley! This is when we see a glimpse of his temper, temper! Don't worry, they work it out in the end.

In 2006, Bush asks Barney, "What's the plot about?" Why Barney didn't just bite him for his bad grammar, I will never know. But the show must go on. Once Barney decides on a "Holiday Extravaganza" he has to ask for money for his production. This is where it gets even better because in response to his budget request, Paulson tells Barney, "we are out of money." Karl Rove auditions and Dolly Parton comes to watch.

"Holidays in the National Parks" was the theme for 2007 and Barney and Miss Beazley don't disappoint. They do what they can to become junior park rangers and we learn about 50 times that the White House sits within one of our national parks.

Unfortunately, we save the worst Barney cam for last. This one just has a bunch of bad acting (which isn't that much different than the other years), but without any redeeming qualities. It is a bad sign when the Olympic gold medalists are the best actors and they aren't that good.

No wonder it has come to this:

That poor dog has got to be sick of their crap by now.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008


This is the fourth post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

On February 9, 2001, Bush used the word "strategery" claiming it was a shout out to Will Farrell's performance. Apparently, the term came to be used around the White House quite frequently after that SNL episode. So much that a trial exhibit from the 2007 "Scooter" Libby trial included the term, in Libby's daily schedule for June 10, 2003, which showed that Libby had a 6:00 pm "Strategery Meeting" scheduled to last 90 minutes. So was it a shout out, or did he think it was a real word? My guess is that he heard it so often, he thought is was a proper word. Nice.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Turkey Bowling

This is the third post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

Once upon a time there was a fool. This fool had an important Daddy, important friends, and lots of money despite running several fool-proof businesses into the ground. This fool also owned 1% of a baseball team. One day this fool woke up and decided to be Governor of Texas (because owning 1% of a baseball qualifies you for the job). The rest is a history (in a long, dark, seems like it will never end kind of way). But what many people don't realize that those of us in Texas could see what was coming. We were entertained in that horrified-that-the-leader-of-the-free-world-would-say-that kind of way, but never surprised by the Presidential gaffes. You see, he had been doing stupid shit the whole time he was Governor. Some people would call it foreshadowing.

Friday, December 19, 2008

A Love Letter In My Yard

[Click the image for more BIGGER!]

As luck would have it, I came across an interesting letter just laying about in my front yard. I've been carrying it around in my purse for weeks. Finally, I scanned it and I am going to share anonymous' love with Marshall for the internet-at-large to enjoy. I am most struck by her concept of spontaneous. Simply brilliant! And for the record, I have no idea the identity of the lovely young anonymous or who Marshall is. For those of you that do not have the patience to click for more Bigger, I have transcribed the letter for you.

Dear Marshall,
I think you are so sexy! How come you don't look @ me when I am in Moody hall comp. lab? I even saw you in the library + you didn't even smile! :( Please be mine. I heart you a LOT!! I think that we might be soul mates?! Maybe we can get together. I will give you a special smile next time I see you. To make it more spontaneous I am not going to tell you who I am!
- anonymous

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Shoes. Shoes. Shoes. Oh My God. Shoes.

This is the second post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series. While this really falls under current events, undoubtedly this will be one of those moments we will fondly remember for years to come.

So while we all await the fate of the Iraqi television journalist that threw his shoes at Baby Boy Bush, we are all subjected to the many videos versions. We have the purist version with subtitles for those us of that are unfamiliar with Arabic (and a slo-mo replay too!):

And the version where the Three Stooges throw shoes and pies and whatever at him. The remix versions and parodies (like the cats and the Austin Powers versions). And now, we are finding that shoe throwing is the new protest. I have been throwing shoes at the president (OK, just my house shoes being hurled at the TV) for years.

But I am a purist, so I prefer Kelly and her search for shoes:

And for the record, I think they should pardon Muntazer al-Zaidi.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Good-bye to you, W!

This country has suffered through long 8 years of George W. Bush and he has certainly left behind a legacy. A legacy of a couple of wars, a failed economy, and the erosion of our civil liberties. You know, little things like that. So consider yourself lucky that you've only known him since he took office in 2001. Lucky you. I have been suffering through the entire Bush years, beginning in 1995 when he became governor of Texas. You know, his administration hasn't been all torture and violations of the Geneva Convention. He left us with countless hours of gag reels and moments that left us going, "huh?" Since we have all suffered through the dark time, let's take a look back at some of the finer moments of The W Years. Over the next few weeks I will be revisiting some of Baby Boy Bush's finer moments.


Wednesday, December 10, 2008

For Sale: Imaginary Sunshine and a Senate Seat

Available to highest bidder - one Illinois Senate Seat. Recently vacated by a Motherfucker that won't help me sell his seat. Ideal candidate has lots of money to pay upfront and two high paying jobs (must be able to employ my wife as well). Looking for someone who falsely believes that there are no clouds over my head and that our conversations will not be subject to wiretapping. Ability to fire the editorial staff at the Tribune a plus. Are you Candidate 6?

Send your briefcase full of cash and job offers to the Governor c/o the Illinois penitentiary system.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Attention All Units

As posted on Campus Watch by UT Police Department on Decembver 1, 2008:


Robbery: Several UT staff members, faculty, students, and Texas Ex's discovered a fraction of a percentage point had been taken and was transported across state lines. The percentage point was discovered north of the Red River at the campus of another Big 12 South University.

The Devil Went Down To Georgia

And so did Ludacris. Actually, Ludacris lives in Atlanta so he was already there. And, yes, his bow was rossened up. Or possibly he is just campaigning on behalf of Jim Martin. As we draw near the end of election season (just a few weeks after it ended) Sarah Palin is back in the limelight campaigning for Saxby Chambliss. You know. The asshat that won his seat by attacking his opponent for being too soft on terror. You know, that guy that lost three out of four limbs fighting for his country. Obviously, that guy was a total loser that lets terror get the best of him. Because that asshat couldn't really attack Martin for being soft on terror (because he has all of his arms and legs?), he had Sarah Palin come and stump for him. Why didn't he get Joe the Plumber too? It could have been a sweet reunion of hate and fear!

So, if you live in Georgia get out and vote for Jim Martin. And please take a friend with you!