Friday, July 31, 2009

This is why I love the internets

Yesterday, two videos were brought to my attention and I really felt like I should get in touch with my inner-kindergartener and share them with you. I really needed a laugh yesterday (not so much today because I have the day off) and both of these videos deleivered in their own special way.

First is the video is a genius telling us about how to get this economy turned around. Well, maybe that's what this about. I'm not exactly sure. When I sent this video to Nervana she asked me the following: " did sarah palin change her looks so radically?!" These women certainly have the same speech writer if they are actually different people. I'm just wondering how people managed to keep themselves from laughing out loud and who was that fool that clapped when she was done rambling about the free food and the machines that can make stuff?

And speaking of Sarah Palin (I know! I can't let it go!), I absolutely loved William Shatner's reading of her tweets. As far as I'm concerend, Twitter has now become one of the best inventions ever. Before this, I really could take it or leave it. I wish he would make an album of Twitter poetry readings -- I'd be first in line to buy it.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

see ya soon, Sarah!

She may have resigned as Governor of Alaska this week, but we all know she isn't gone forever. That lady is like a bad case of herpes. She always comes back at the most inconvenient times. So I won't say goodbye, just so long for now. And I leave you with her memorable 1984 performance.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Farmer Pineapple

I didn't say pineapple farmer. Although I guess I am. I have three non-producing pineapple plants. I only harvested that one lemon sized pineapple when I was pineapple farming at work. Obviously the direct result of dedicated state employment. Here is the beauty I harvested on 8/25/08*:

So now that I'm single and have all this time on my hands (read severe sarcasm here), I've decided to grow a crop of pumpkins. Actually, I had a hell of a time finding pumpkins to bake last year so I decided to grow my own. Besides, why spend your time growing useful crops when you can have a whole bunch of one thing, right? So this desire to grow some pumpkins has grown into a mild obsession. And I'm not the only one (not that it makes my obsession any less odd). The Pineapple Parents have started calling for daily pumpkin updates and demanding pictures. Maybe this is some sort of substitute for the grandchildren it looks like I will never give them? In light of this shared obsession, I've decided that the internet as a whole will also be very interested in my pumpkins' progress as well.

I planted the seeds on 7/14/09. "They" say that it takes about 100 days from planting until harvest. That puts me at about October 22nd. Here is a picture of dirt in an egg carton:

Then the wait was on. For days my dirt sat in front of the window with out any change for days! And then one by one the seeds started to sprout. Here is what the pumpkins looked like on 7/26/09:

And here is a bird's eye view of my pumpkin sprouts:

As of 7/28/09, my pumpkin sprouts are really taking off:

Here is a close up of the first seed to sprout:

Later this week, I am going to transplant my little plants into bigger containers so they can grown BIG and STRONG before I kill them in in the Texas heat. Until things cool off, I'm keeping my fingers crossed (and hopefully my thumbs green) and hoping for pumpkins to make a proper pumpkin pie for turkey day this year.

*as always, you can click the pictures for much more bigger!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

and then there was one...

well, one pineapple with two dogs. That's because I came home Wednesday and the former MOTL had packed up his shit (well some of it along with the good TV and the remote to the cable box -- bring it back!) and moved to the landfill in Wimberley. So things have been a little off here. I keep meaning to blog (not about my personal bullshit), but for the past week I've just been too bitchy or whiny to do it. Also, I've spent the past week adjusting to the single life. I think it will take some time to get in the swing of being on my own (and not someone's keeper) after five years of whatever. All I know is that my house is a wreck and there is still some ginormous piece of Styrofoam that is painted like a boulder in my backyard that did not move to the landfill with the former other half. When it appeared in the backyard a few weeks ago (conveniently after the bulk trash pick up) I made my feelings clear that it needed to go back from whence it came. It is big and ugly and it looks like this:

When I first commented on how awful it was, I was told that I just didn't understand. Damn straight I don't understand why I would want something like that and I also don't understand why it is still here. Pick it up when you bring back my remote!

Getting my life in some sort of order has been difficult. Mostly because something horrible has happened to my foot -- I have this excruciating and mysterious pain that causes random swelling and constant discomfort. How can I wash that man right out of my hair (and my house) if I can't even walk?!? Today, I had it x-rayed. When the nurse, the doctor, and the x-ray technician each asked which foot was hurting I always replied "my left foot," no one even blinked. I thought it was funny (at least ironic because my left foot was the only thing not working), but maybe they get that all the time. So, now I hobble alone. OK, I hobble with two constantly panicked dogs underfoot as I relearn how to cook for one.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Alberto is gainfully employed!

My good buddy Alberto Gonzales is moving to Lubbock this fall because he finally got a job! He's going to be teaching political science at Texas Tech. Too bad he isn't teaching ethics though. But I guess he can teach those kids how you go to the AG's hospital bed to get him to sign off on illegal programs and then later how to fire people that have different political views than yourself and call it science! The neat thing about it is that no one will notice the smell of his bullshit because the stockyard just outside of town will cover that up! And another upside of being a Red Raider is that you get to have taco night after you play the Longhorns!*

*I guess that's what happens when they lose to us. Every time I ask my relatives what they do with all of the tortillas (they throw them in the air when they win football games -- I don't know why), they always tell me to shut up. How am I supposed to learn anything when these important questions go unanswered?

Sunday, July 05, 2009

I guess I'm old and lame

Every year, my neighborhood has a 4th of July parade and a picnic. This year there was even a bbq cook off. Our family tradition is that I make breakfast and the Pineapple Parents come over to watch the parade. Then, later in the afternoon I drop by the neighborhood picnic before going over to the Pineapple Parent's house for their annual 4th of July brisket party. After the parade, I got a serious case of the lazies. It may have had something to do with the fact that a certain someone was too hungover to help me get everything set up before the parade and to clean up afterward. So, I decided to skip out on the picnic. I do hate that I missed out on the pear wine.

My parent's dog has developed a really bad habit of bolting out the front door and running to the neighbor's house (they have ferrets inside). However, yesterday's big draw was another neighbor's cook out. I opened the door to let guests in and the dog ran out. Since he has no street smarts and no desire to return when called, I ran after him. And it was hot. I felt like I was running in slow motion. I felt like I couldn't pick up my feet because I was running through hot lava, under a heat lamp. I ran circles around houses and through the neighbors' backyards after that damned dog. He would stop every so often and look to see if I was still coming and then take off again. I finally got lucky when he cornered himself. It is amazing how running after a little dog in record breaking 104 degree weather can really wear you out. I never really recovered from it. By the time I left the Pineapple Parents', I was too tired to go watch the fireworks. I thought I would just watch them on TV, but I was too lame to even stay up to watch Barry Manilow on PBS.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Happy 4th of July, ya'll!

Have a great holiday weekend! And thanks to Lipz for posting this awesome video! I couldn't steal it without you!

Friday, July 03, 2009

2012 is going to be a great year for my ass!

Thank you, Sarah Palin!
I look forward to your failed attempt to become the Republican presidential nominee in 2012. Why else would she be stepping down as Governor of Alaska (it certainly isn't because of the numerous ETHICS complaints that have been filed!)??? It will be a great time for me to go to the gym and run up hill on the treadmill because you say such stupid and infuriating things every time you open your big fat mouth. It is going to be great. And my ass is going to look great, too!