Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I'm no reporter, ya'll

I think the number of posts I've made this year makes this statement VERY CLEAR.  I don't need to tell you, dear five people that still torture yourselves by coming here.  I love you, but you do know that this has turned into some co-dependent relationship, right?  Or something like that.  I'm no expert on that kind of stuff.  I do know you are some loyal ass blog readers and I give you props for giving me the very little encouragement I apparently need to spout off about a bunch of bullshit.

So, I'm going to wrap up this nonsense that started in November of 2005.  At least for now.  I may come back to this blog when I'm feeling more like a pineapple reporter.  It does seem a little wrong to walk away after all this time, but it is time for something new.

Hope you have a very happy 2010!


Monday, December 21, 2009


Don't get me wrong.  I love sushi.  I also love food trailers.  Give me cupcakes, pizza or tacos out of a food trailer any day.  But there is just something wrong about eating sushi made in a food trailer on the side of the road.  Maybe it is just me, but I'll have to pass.

*As always, you can click the photo to make it more bigger!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

it is with a not so heavy heart and a jammed pinky finger,

I am saying goodbye to the styrofoam rock.  You may recall that in July a certain someone moved out without taking this gigantically stupid, phallic piece of shit.*  Well, bulk trash day has finally arrived.  Come Monday this albatross will be going to its next home: the landfill.

Just for the record, styrofoam rocks are a lot heavier than you think.  I had to turn it end over end because it was too heavy to pick up and carry to the curb.  Unfortunately, the sorry ass thing broke and I jammed my finger.  Please note the unfortunate thing is that I hurt my hand, not that the stupid thing broke.  I just want to be clear about that.  While I was cussing up a storm, Laverne came to check out the commotion and to pay her respects to the monstrosity.

While I feel bad that the dogs can't play "Queen of the Mountain" anymore, I'm glad that remnant of my past is leaving my now happy home.  Now it is sitting on my curb and the people prowling for curbside treasure keep slowing down to look.  I don't know why they don't want to take it with them (said with much sarcasm).

So long, stupid styrofoam rock.  Hope to never see you again.

*Ironically, last night I ran into my friend that a certain someone claimed asked him to bring home the monstrosity so he could pick it up later from our house.  I told him that Sunday was his last chance to claim this "prize".  However, his wife was in earshot and told him that he wasn't allowed to bring it home.  He tried to convince her why it would be a good thing to have, she did not change her mind.  I can't say that I blame her one bit.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

what a bummer

I've spent the past week of my life in utter turmoil.  Mostly because everything in my house has placed in stacks in the middle of my rooms.  I haven't been able to really cook or clean or do laundry this whole time because the entire inside of my house was being painted.  Every morning I took the dogs to my parents house and then picked them up after work.  How you people with kids don't just die of exhaustion, I'll never know.  The painters basically finished today and I like that my walls aren't all nasty and dingy.  The rest of my house is all nasty and dingy because I've had painters in it for a week, but the walls aren't all nasty and dingy any more.  I guess I have a lot of house cleaning in my future.  But I was really bummed out when I discovered that they splattered paint all over my shower curtain, tub, sink, and my fantastic 1950s bathroom tile.  Then I discovered that most of my blinds have been booby trapped because they fall off on my head when I try to adjust them.  It is after 11:00 pm and there is still a huge stack of stuff on my bed.  I'm exhausted and I need to go to bed.  I'm thinking about crying, but I'm just too fucking tired.  Also?  It turns out the color I picked for the bedroom looks like shit with my carpet.  Yay, me!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Shirley writes a book

All month Laverne has devoted herself to my nanowrimo project.  She has tirelessly slept on my feet or with her head next to my lap anytime I sat down to write.  But Shirley was feeling really left out and upped the game last night.  For a while she was too helpful (you just can't write with a 60 pound dog sitting on you like you're a lazy boy recliner), but she finally took her helpfulness down a notch and curled up on my legs.  Once I got out from underneath her, I was still trapped on the couch so I put a pillow on the dog and set my laptop on top.  Laverne then took her cue to crash out on my feet.  It wasn't the most comfortable thing, but I managed about 1500 words written like this until she started peaking her head from under the pillow.  That is when I took this picture:

Sunday, November 15, 2009

My NaNoWriMo Progress

I haven't posted anything on my blog all month because I have been super busy devising new projects to undertake this month (such as furniture painting, working in the yard, cleaning my house, volunteering to be waterboarded).  Er, I mean, that I'm writing a book in one month.  Anyway, I decided in an attempt to procrastinate, I mean update you on my status, I'm posting this word count widget.  Enjoy!

Sunday, November 01, 2009

428 words

That is all I wrote today.  So of course, I'm going to blog instead.  My wires are seriously all strung up the wrong way.  I could be writing about aliens.  Or sleeping.  Instead I'm writing my excuse for why I did not get cracking on my crazy ass train wreck of a novel.
1.  I'm jet lagged from the time change.  Not really, I'm just lazy because it gets dark early.
2. I had to drive to the Costco (on fumes apparently because the tank was completely empty) so I could look at everything in the place and then spend way too much money.  I have to eat while I'm making my fingers bleed and developing carpal tunnel syndrome, right?
3.  Then my house was too dirty to be in.  I vacuumed, did some dishes, washed some laundry.  It is still messy, but it doesn't smell like dirty dog and mud from all the rain.
4.  I had to pull weeds in my yard.  Actually, I really did.  These prickly ass weeds are giving my dog such a bad rash that she has bald spots.  And frankly, Laverne is more important than aliens.
5.  To help me out, the Pineapple Parents offered to come and pick up their Costco goods to save me a trip.  Instead their car overheated (because there was a big fucking hole and all the coolant leaked out of the car which we discovered after I went to the store to buy distilled water which all poured out on the driveway) and I had to take them home.
5.  The Pineapple Dad had not been shopping and I needed more shit from the grocery store.  I just can't eat 20 heads of lettuce before they go bad.  Somethings are better bought in smaller quantities.  Hence, second shopping trip of the day.
6.  After dropping the Pineapple Dad back at his house, I headed home.  After learning the tow truck was coming in the next hour I decided that I should eat.  Yummmy.  I call my creation Pepper Pizza.  It had yellow bell pepper, jalapeno pepper, and crushed red pepper (and also some sauce, basil, and cheese).
7.  After the car was towed away, I decided that if I have clean sheets that the girls and I should get clean too.  Also? My coworkers probably like me better if I don't come to work with plant life in my hair and dirt on my face.
8.  Then I crawled in bed and wrote 428 words.  And then bitched about it on my blog.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Symphony of Crickets

Holy Hell.  What am I thinking?  I can't even manage to blog on a regular basis and I think I'm going to write a whole freaking novel in a month?!?!  That is just hilarious.  NaNoWriMo starts in a matter of hours and I have a title (Symphony of Crickets) and maybe a general idea of what I'm going to write.  Sort of.  Maybe.  Or not.  I mean, I have hours to decide how it starts, right?

I'm thinking it is going to be a Sci-fi/Romance/Thriller/Comedy/TRAINWRECK.  Kind of like Bubba Ho-Tep  meets Mars Attacks! with a splash of love interest.  And with Buddy Holly (hence the crickets) instead of Elvis and the aliens aren't from Mars (or maybe they are).  Obviously I plan on writing an original novel that is going to be an award winning, best seller.  And then they are going to make it into a summer blockbuster and show it at the IMAX.  Also? It is going to be an Oprah Book Club Pick (this is out of the ordinary because my book will not be depressing).  That is how good it is going to be.  Yep.  And I am going to write this groundbreaking novel in one month.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

nails are expensive

I really need a chaperone to go to the Home Depot.  I went there to get nails so I could put up my Halloween decorations.  I did get the nails, but I have yet to put up any Halloween decorations.  For one thing, I had to put my new lime tree in its new bright, lime green pot.

Since I was taking pictures, I went ahead and took yet another set of garden pictures.  My broccoli and brussels sprouts are coming along nicely.

My lettuce is already yummy (I snuck a little nibble), the radishes are huge on top (but not so much underneath), and the bell peppers are starting to take off (but I'm pretty sure I planted them too late to expect any thing good to come of it).

My pumpkins are still alive...

And blooming.  But no actual gourds have started growing...

My little pot of lettuce has started growing so I will have more lettuce after I eat the first round.

My basil variety pack is looking good too..

But my cilantro is not.

Oh well.  I guess not everything is going to stay alive...

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Keeping it classy!

...but you might not want to get behind this guy.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

here comes megatron

Meet Megatron.  Megatron lives next door.  And ever since I moved in, Megatron has pretty much avoided me.  Recently, Megatron has started approaching me, but then changing her mind at the last minute and running away.  But for the past few weeks, Megatron has started throwing herself at my feet and winding herself around and round my legs.  I have never once petted this cat.  Why would I need to when she does all the work, right?

However, Megatron does not like Laverne and Shirley.  And she used to run away when they barked.  But that too changed this weekend.  I think it was the peacocks that did it.  Because the weather has been nice I've been opening the windows and leaving the doors open.  The other morning, there was chaos in the kitchen because Megatron was yowling to be let in the screen door and the girls were barking wildly to be let out.  It wasn't until the peacock incident that I realized that they were also torturing poor Megatron in the front yard, too.  Those peacocks were all over the place.  The girls chased six of them out of the backyard.  One was on the roof honking for about thirty thrilling minutes.  There was also a herd wandering around in the front yard.  Most of the time Megatron does that whole arching back, hissing thing when the girls bark at her.  But she has gotten a little bolder.  I guess near peacock death experiences do that for a cat.  Like today.  Megatron jumped on top of my car where the girls could see her and just stood there.  Finally Laverne couldn't take it anymore and started barking and barking and barking.  Megatron didn't even flinch.  And tonight.  Megatron came calling through the kitchen screen door.  Shirley was resting comfortably on the couch and Laverne was in her blanket cocoon under the coffee table.  Damned if those dogs didn't go flying out the back door to bark at that cat some more after I shut the door.

It is like I live in a lunatic wildlife asylum.  I have two nutty dogs, Megatron, the other cat next door that taps on the glass to torment the dogs, exotic lizards, skunks, hawks, and peacocks.  I guess I should be thankful that there aren't lions and tiger running around this place, too.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

victory (garden)!

First, let's take a look at those pumpkins:

Notice how they always look the same?  See how they don't seem to be getting much bigger?   Looks like I am looking at having mature pumpkins in about 2012 at this rate...

But my radishes as lettuce are looking good.  Also, my bell peppers are starting to sprout.

And my newest addition -- broccoli and brussels sprouts!

And cilantro

And my basil bonanza (I have sweet basil, lemon basil and thai basil):

But I will always be a pineapple princess:

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

so long, kitty

When I first brought you home in when I was a senior in high school, you loved me beyond anything else and would cry when I left you alone. Then one day I was taking you to my room and you saw a plastic lei hanging on my door and you attacked my face. You never felt the same way about me after that. I can't say that I really ever got over having my face clawed.  After the incident, you stopped crying when I left the room and you didn't want to snuggle at night anymore. Then I moved to a place you weren't allowed to live in so I left you with my parents. Despite the attack, I didn't really want to leave you behind.  But I did.  And then you became completely and absolutely obsessed with my dad. You also grew to hate my mom after she dropped a glass too close to you. By the time I lived in a place where you could come live with me, you loved my dad so much that it would have been wrong to move you.

Over the years you were mostly an unfriendly cat to the world at large. When company came to visit you would disappear somewhere in the house. We never did figure out where you went, so we just called it Narnia.  I guess we will never figure out where Narnia is now.

Other than my dad, you had a true love for the family Airedale, Winston. You would demand that we let him in the house so the two of you could hang out and take naps together. After he died, you threw fits at the backdoor for months demanding that we let him in the house. And you never forgave the new dog for taking his place. Astro was never your dog. After Winston was gone, your obsession with my dad grew to new heights. You started demanding he get up and keep you company in the middle of the night and anytime he sat down you were instantly on him trying to get in his face.

And then one day you got nice again. Maybe you had a stroke?  You came out to visit company. You forgave me and my mom for our past transgressions.  You someotime were happy to see me when I cam over.  You even enjoyed taunting Laverne when I brought the girls to visit Astro.  But you never really liked Astro because, well, he was never your dog. You only tolerated him or tried to get him in trouble.  Oh well, you can't like everyone. 

Over the past 19 years, you have been an unusual cat. Your relationship with most of the world was complicated and usually involved blood shed at some point. But we all loved you and will miss you. I hope you enjoy your adventures in Narnia forever more.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

dear santa

Today the Neiman Marcus Christmas Book came out.  And so why would be care about the Needless Markup catalogue?  I can tell you why in two words: CUPCAKE CARS.  You heard me.  Cupcake cars.  This is totally what I want for Christmas.  And I want a whole fleet of cupcake cars.  Really, what would be the fun if you were driving a cupcake car on your own?  I mean silly cars that have a matching hat are fun and all, but it would be way more fun with a friend or ten.  When I saw the cupcake cars, I called the Pineapple Dad and made him promise that if he won the lottery he would buy this for me.  At first he questioned why I would want a fleet of cupcake cars, let alone a fleet of cupcake cars.  And then he saw the videos on youtube.  And he agreed that if either one of won the lottery, we are getting a fleet of cupcake cars.  Still doubting that cupcakes are super awesome?  Check this out:

If this doesn't convince you that a cupcake car party would rock your world, then something is wrong with the way you are wired.  Seriously.  

Sunday, October 04, 2009

yankee, doodle and dandy

I know I've done a spotty job of keeping you up to date with my pumpkins.  But don't worry I have pictures.  Hell, I even took some while I had the flu.  Not that I remember doing that, but it seems I did.  I'll be posting highlights later this week.  Apparently, I was really into photographing pumpkins, radishes, and lettuce in my fevered state.  Also? I took quite a few pictures of my dogs.  I guess that would be normal if I only remembered doing it...  Anywho, I'm getting off the topic here.

When I started my pumpkin seeds (the second time), I planted a whole bunch just to be sure.  And then they all grew.  So I promised the Pineapple Dad that he could have whatever I didn't plant.  As the weeks went by he would call to check on his pumpkin plant.  He even named it.  Pumpkin Doodle.  Seriously.  I'd pick up the phone and the first thing I'd hear was, "How's Pumpkin Doodle?"  There were several calls where checking on Pumpkin Doodle was the sole purpose for calling me.  Don't worry about how I'm doing.

You may recall that I mentioned my original plan was to dump a pile of dirt in my "garden" and see what happened.  Clearly, that did not happen.  So after my gardening extravaganza I was left with three pumpkin plants.  I called the Pineapple Dad to let him know what to expect and he was thrilled.  And they all have names now: Pumpkin Yankee (the northern most pumpkin plant), Pumpkin Doodle, and Pumpkin Dandy.  And so what did he do when I took them over?  Dumped a pile of dirt on the ground and stuck them in there.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009


Look, I don't know if what I had was swine flu.  Or H1N1.  Or whatever the cool kids are calling it these days.  But it was the flu.  And it was a motherfucker.  I decided not to visit the doctor for a few reasons.  For one thing, I was too sick to drive my sick ass there.  I live alone and who wants to be trapped in the car with someone that clearly has cooties.  Also?  There are sick people at the doctor's office.  I had enough on my plate without being exposed to strange germs just to have a nurse shove a q-tip up my nose to see if I have the flu.  Dude.  I had the flu.  Luckily, I also had a prescription of Tamiflu in my medicine cabinet.  I admit it, I hoard shit.  Not like get your guns ready for the Armageddon kind of hoarding, but I like to keep a stocked pantry and medicine cabinet kind of hoarding.

But it wasn't until I started getting better that I realized how bad off I was.  For one thing, I took some extra doses of Tamiflu along the way and finished early.  Oops.  I also made a double batch of jell-o that I don't remember making at all.  I walked into the kitchen to get a ginger ale and there were two open jello boxes on the counter and a pan of jell-o in the fridge.  Don't get me wrong, I was glad it was there.   But really? Jell-o?  There were some things that got moved around in my house.  I guess I'm lucky I didn't rearrange the furniture in my fevered state.

I also got very bored.  I cleared out my DVR.  I didn't have any books I wanted to read.  And how much time can you really stand to spend on Twitter haranguing people for their complete inability to fact-check a story before publishing it?  Frankly, I found out more than the local newspaper or that hip wannabe website ever did in five minutes sitting on my couch with a raging fever.  But that jell-o turned out to be one of the most interesting things going on at my house.  It wiggles and jiggles, after all.  But your standards for what constitutes entertainment hit a new low when you are holed up like a fugitive in your home for a week.  Technically, I'm better now.  I'm still worn out and all I want to do is stay home and sleep.  Hopefully this will pass because I don't think I can handle another weekend of staring at my wall that really need to be painted.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

why dogs don't make you feel better

As I wallow in my misery, I realized that the love my dogs have for me doesn't always make me feel better.  Mostly because they do things like:

1. Steal the blankets.  When I dragged my flu suffering ass home from work and on to the couch yesterday, the first thing that Laverne did was steal my blanket.  So I got another one.  And she stole that one too.  How many blankets does this dog need to get under?  And how can a not-so-swift dog get the better of me over and over?  I'm the one with the thumbs!  Pathetic.

2.  Wake you up in the middle of the night because they want to be talked to and patted on the head.  Seriously.  I woke up because Shirley was staring at me.  Four inches away from my face.  Creepy much? When I opened my eyes her tail started furiously thumping on the bed.  I thought she needed to out so I got up out of bed.  But she just sat there looking at me like I was the crazy one.  I muttered an obscenity under my breath and her tail started going crazy again.  This is when I realized she woke me up so I could talk to her.  I thought I had two dogs so they could keep one another company.

3.  Wake you up at 6:30 in the morning demanding to be let out and fed.  Frankly, I expected more from Laverne because she is notorious for wanting to sleep in.  But not today.  I woke up to her howling at the back door.  Howling.  The dog has never howled.  Ever.  Until 6:30 this morning.

4.  Panic when it starts raining.  I feel like I've been hit by a ton of bricks.  I'm hot.  I'm cold. I hurt all over.  I do not want 100 plus pounds of dog on my lap and in my face.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

pineapple plants a pumpkin patch

You may recall that in July I claimed to become a pumpkin farmer. Well, a few weeks into the pumpkin growing, I took my sweet little plants outside for a good soak.  And then I forgot to bring them back in.  They died a tragic, heat related death.  So, I planted a new batch-o-pumpkins.  After weeks of tending to my plants and a week of acclimating them to the outdoors, today was the big day.

When I started, I have a weedy, unruly patch of yard that I blocked off last year.  I never got around to building beds for a garden.

First I need to back up the story.  There once was a HUGE tree in my backyard.  It was probably one of the oldest elm trees in the neighborhood.  However, we have been in a drought for the past two years and had extreme heat this summer.  This lovely tree dropped a huge limb on my roof and slowly began to die.  I had the tree taken down.

And then I had the tree guys turn it into mulch and leave it in the front yard.  Much to my neighbor's dismay, it has been sitting in that huge pile for over a month.  Come on!  It has been too hot to do anything with it.

My original plan was to dump so dirt piles in my weedy patch and see who would win - the pumpkins or the weeds.  But I just couldn't do it.  So I went back to my original plan that never came to fruition.  So I started by using the old newspapers to act as a weed barrier.

And then I put a whole bunch of mulch around the beds to cover up the pretty, pretty newspaper.

And then I put a whole bunch of dirt and compost in the beds and mixed it up.  And I built some mounds for the plants and covered that with even more mulch.

Bring in the pumpkins...

And then I put 'em in the dirt and watered them real good, like.

Now I just have to finish the other half of my garden to put in some other veggies I picked up at the garden center when I went to get more dirt.  Tomorrow I take the rest of the pumpkin plants to the Pineapple Parents for their pumpkin patch.  I am a gardening fool.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Do You Know How Much I Love My Dogs?

So much that when I accidentally bought salmon dog food, I still fed it to them.  Besides wondering how much I spoil my dogs, you may wonder why this is a sign of my love?  First, I freely admit that my dogs eat much better than I do.  Hell, no one puts a spoonful of yummy canned dog food on my kibble every night.  Or a dollop of yogurt on my morning kibble.  Not that I'd want that, but I think of it as like if someone gave you a salad and then put a whole bunch of ranch dressing on it.  I'd like the salad much better.  So here's where the love comes in.  I am violently allergic to salmon and the smell of it makes me want to hurl.  When I was putting the cans in the pantry and I saw that I grabbed a can of nasty salmon, I considered just throwing it away.  Then I thought that was wasteful and decided to exchange it for something not so gross.  Then I got lazy.  But today I got brave.  And while I didn't hurl, I'm not hungry for dinner anymore.  Maybe this is a new diet plan because you could offer me all the ranch, mayonnaise, butter, bacon, and fried whatever and I'd still turn it down.  

Monday, September 14, 2009

Nobody Puts Baby In the Corner

RIP Patrick Swayze. You made some of the best crappy movies ever made.

RIP Jim Carroll

I didn't know you, but I have friends who did. I know it is a little late, but I had a send off for you today. I cranked up "People Who Died" and danced while the dogs barked wildly (they aren't fans of my dancing). Hope you liked it.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

I had no idea!

Did you know that the Ford Pinto hit the American market on September 11, 1970? I had no idea until I was watching Countdown last night (yes, how lame of me to sit at home alone on a Friday night watching a newsertainment show). Frankly, I'd rather remember that on September 11th. Much less depressing, no? I mean, check out this ad:

After all, it was the little carefree car (with just a little case of fire and explosion).

Friday, September 11, 2009

Do They Really Think We Will Forget?

I'm not trying to make light about what happened on 9/11. I am certainly not going to get into whether it was an act of terrorism or an inside job (does it matter? the end result is that a lot of people died.). And I would never start a debate on how a certain administration took advantage of the situation to start a really unnecessary war (at this point, it should not be a question). But here's the thing. Ain't nobody forgetting. And, frankly, I'm sick of people telling me not to forget. I'm not interested in your stupid status updates about never forgetting, I don't want your cheesy or depressing emails about what happened to those poor people that day, and I don't care how much it upset you to see that shit go down on the TV from the safety of your own home (I promise it was much worse for the people that were there or had friends and family that were there).

Because here's the other part that we really shouldn't forget:
1. The way our president sat in that classroom after he was told what happened and didn't move his sorry ass into action for like 15 minutes. And then he made ridiculous speeches about wanting people "dead or alive". I blame that yankee from Connecticut for making my home state look like a fucking joke (please note, I know there are others that now carry his torch).
2. The way the government told us we should buy duct tape to protect ourselves from terrorist attacks (are you fucking kidding me? I needed to buy some duct tape for a valid reason and couldn't find any. What bullshit. And MREs? No thanks.).
3. The way the media ran stories about how scared we should be and that people in Middle-of-fucking-nowhere, USA were in imminent danger of terrorism attacks. (Yes, because terrorists have heard all about your shitty community and hate you personally.).
4. The way explained what I should do when the dirty bomb hit Austin (There were maps and everything. Way to tell the bad guys EXACTLY where to go!).
5. The way that now when you disagree with the government, you are now labeled un-American, not exercising your rights as an American citizen.

This last point lives strong today. And frankly I blame this intolerance as the start of why we, as a country, can no longer have a meaningful debates about anything. The townhall meetings are evidence of that. Biting someone's finger because you disagree is just not right.

So, if you don't like what I have to say, you can call me un-American. Whatever. All I can do is paraphrase the Loco Gringos and say, "Fuck you, I'm from Texas."

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Grow up!

My DOGS paid better attention to the President than some people (hello! Eric Cantor I could see you texting and fooling around on your phone the whole time Obama was speaking. Maybe if you paid attention you would learn something). And my dogs did not yell out inappropriate or regrettable things during his speech (Joe Wilson, you should not call the President a liar when he clearly is not. Show some respect, asshat). In fact, they sat on the couch a listened the whole time. Often times they politely wagged their tails (of course, they have always loved Obama). And they probably understood more than Charles Boustany as evidenced by his rebuttal (how many times were you sued for malpractice anyway? three?).

At this point, I am going to insist that the Republicans take some lessons in manners from my unruly dogs. That may be the only way we will get healthcare reform.


Really? What does this mean? Satan is standing on his head? That we all live in a yellow submarine? Seriously. What is the deal??? I guess it is cool that the date is all matchy and The Beatles are on the radio all day. Number 9. Number 9. Number 9. Other than that, today has been kinda funky. For thing, mad hung it up today. No more drunken haikus! This makes me sad. All good things really do come to an end.

And then at the grocery store, I think my soulmate was in line in front of me. I didn't talk to him though. We had almost the same things in our carts. I'm not sure I would have picked some of the yogurt flavors I saw, but I'd be willing to give some of them a shot. Especially for my soulmate. Even the overworked, underpaid checker noticed that our carts were full of the same stuff. Here's the rub. My soulmate? Apparently is an old gay guy. Otherwise, I might have asked him over for some organic, hormone free yogurt. I'm not much of one for dating gay men. It doesn't really lead anywhere.

The long and short of it is that I discovered my dog, Laverne, gets a little wiggy over certain Beatles songs (especially songs from the album Abbey Road) and I have a fridge full of yogurt.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009


It has been a long month since my last post. I've been semi-posting tweets because most days 140 characters is about all I can handle. But now that I have a new bad ass MacBook Pro and a clean desk in a functional home office, I find myself almost inspired. Please note that I said almost. Yesterday, I hit some sort of twitter wall because I couldn't keep it under 140 characters. And I tried. And tried. And tried some more. I thought about logging into the blog yesterday, but my thoughts were still too scattered. Also? I thought it was much more important to get all of my photos transfered from my old computer. And there were a lot of them. I also thought I should change all of the music on my iPods (how did I end up with two? and why do I think I need to use both of them?). Some of the redundancy in my life boggles the mind. But here I am.

By about 7:02 this morning, I decided that four day work weeks are just a crap idea. This was about the time I checked my work email this morning and saw that my most favorite complainant wanted another go 'round. Next I had to explain to someone that just because you build a little shelf and put your full sized dryer on a rack in a closet over a top loading washing machine (the lid doesn't fully open), that doesn't mean you have a stackable washer dryer unit. Seriously, the picture looks like it came from one of those "you know you are redneck when" emails. Maybe I should scan the picture and start an internet sensation. And why is this part of my job anyway? I have no idea. This all occurred within my first two hours of work (one lunatic per hour???). The day did not improve (the one lunatic per hour quota continued and was often exceed). The rest of it is either too boring or just too shitty to repeat. In short, four day work weeks just mean you have more shitty things packed into less time. All crap. No waiting.

And I'm mad at the Republicans. Since when is it "indoctrination" to tell children to work hard in school? Sturdy so you can ne a socialist, too??? One of my friends said she listened to President Obama's speech backwards and heard the Communist Manifesto. I just wonder if after posting that on Facebook, if people are taking her seriously and seeing if it is really true. Bask in the sarcasm, people!

And I'm also mad that people think it is OK to tell people that you hate the president and that he should die like a slug (check out the video on youtube of the pastor from Arizona). What is up with that? I think it was pretty clear that I hate what Cheney, McCain, Palin, and Rick Perry (especially him right now), and other like them stand for, but I don't ever recall suggesting that they die like slugs (or any other way for that matter). Mostly I just wish they would shut up an go away.

But one piece of enjoyment of late? The Gonzales Cantata! You should totally listen to it. The dude won't go away either. First he is for an investigation of allegations of CIA torture of prisoners. And then against it the very next day. It is always shocking that anyone cares what he thinks, but there is no accounting for what Fox "News" will air. I also wonder if his teaching style is like that. Today you have an A, but then the next day he decides you got a D.

Well, that certainly wouldn't fit in one tweet.
And coming soon: more pumpkin news. I bet you thought I forgot!!!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Shirley Le Pew

I usually wake up to go to the hell job when it is still kinda dark outside. So sometimes, the dogs think they are helping me by asking to do out on Saturday "morning" when it is still dark and early. Today was one of those days. Shirley asked to go out (there was no indication that she was going on a kill mission) and Laverne stayed hidden under the covers. I didn't think anything of it until I heard a big tussle and snarling. I turned to go back outside to see what happened when Shirley came racing back in the house and went straight to the bathroom. And then I smelled it. SKUNK. That is not what you want to deal with when you are groggy, the house is dark, you aren't wearing your glasses, and you don't even know where anything is that you might need to clean a skunky dog. I'm certain Shirley is still a little skunky, but I know that the house is really skunky. I figured that out when I decided to water the yard since I was already up. Coming back in the house was a horrible shock (the candles are lit and the house is open despite the already uncomfortable temperatures outside). Good thing I have house guests coming later today. What do you say to them? Something like, "so glad you could make it in time to share the skunk!"


Monday, August 03, 2009

The Glamour of Being a Single Pineapple

Friday night was a single girl's dream night. Instead of going to a party, I stayed in with my dogs. First the dogs had anxiety attacks about all the lightening and thunder (no rain -- it was all for show). My plan was to go party after then danger had passed. Once "the storm that never was" did finally blow over, it was party time. Just not in the way I was planning. Shirley got a nice case of explosive diarrhea. Lovely, huh?

Instead of getting ready to go hang out with some interesting new people, I had to make a run to the Walgreen's for Kaopectate for the dog. The upside of this is that the trip to the Walgreen's was interesting. Of course going to a drugstore in the 'hood at ten at night always is interesting. First I saw a very large tranny in line wearing a microscopic halter top and mini skirt. She was twice my size, yet wearing clothes smaller than mine. She was dressed like Lula from the Stephanie Plum books -- except the tranny was born a Hispanic man instead of being a vary large black woman. I wanted to ask if she was called Lula, but that would have been rude and she could have totally snapped me like a twig. And then when I was leaving the parking lot some dummy pulled out right in front of me. I had to slam on the brakes. This is when I noticed all of the bullet holes in the car. But after seeing the way they drive, I understand why someone would want to shoot them.

By the time I got Shirley all squared away and diarrhea free, it was 4 am and I was not in the mood to party. And this is why being a single pineapple is so glamorous.

Friday, July 31, 2009

This is why I love the internets

Yesterday, two videos were brought to my attention and I really felt like I should get in touch with my inner-kindergartener and share them with you. I really needed a laugh yesterday (not so much today because I have the day off) and both of these videos deleivered in their own special way.

First is the video is a genius telling us about how to get this economy turned around. Well, maybe that's what this about. I'm not exactly sure. When I sent this video to Nervana she asked me the following: " did sarah palin change her looks so radically?!" These women certainly have the same speech writer if they are actually different people. I'm just wondering how people managed to keep themselves from laughing out loud and who was that fool that clapped when she was done rambling about the free food and the machines that can make stuff?

And speaking of Sarah Palin (I know! I can't let it go!), I absolutely loved William Shatner's reading of her tweets. As far as I'm concerend, Twitter has now become one of the best inventions ever. Before this, I really could take it or leave it. I wish he would make an album of Twitter poetry readings -- I'd be first in line to buy it.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

see ya soon, Sarah!

She may have resigned as Governor of Alaska this week, but we all know she isn't gone forever. That lady is like a bad case of herpes. She always comes back at the most inconvenient times. So I won't say goodbye, just so long for now. And I leave you with her memorable 1984 performance.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Farmer Pineapple

I didn't say pineapple farmer. Although I guess I am. I have three non-producing pineapple plants. I only harvested that one lemon sized pineapple when I was pineapple farming at work. Obviously the direct result of dedicated state employment. Here is the beauty I harvested on 8/25/08*:

So now that I'm single and have all this time on my hands (read severe sarcasm here), I've decided to grow a crop of pumpkins. Actually, I had a hell of a time finding pumpkins to bake last year so I decided to grow my own. Besides, why spend your time growing useful crops when you can have a whole bunch of one thing, right? So this desire to grow some pumpkins has grown into a mild obsession. And I'm not the only one (not that it makes my obsession any less odd). The Pineapple Parents have started calling for daily pumpkin updates and demanding pictures. Maybe this is some sort of substitute for the grandchildren it looks like I will never give them? In light of this shared obsession, I've decided that the internet as a whole will also be very interested in my pumpkins' progress as well.

I planted the seeds on 7/14/09. "They" say that it takes about 100 days from planting until harvest. That puts me at about October 22nd. Here is a picture of dirt in an egg carton:

Then the wait was on. For days my dirt sat in front of the window with out any change for days! And then one by one the seeds started to sprout. Here is what the pumpkins looked like on 7/26/09:

And here is a bird's eye view of my pumpkin sprouts:

As of 7/28/09, my pumpkin sprouts are really taking off:

Here is a close up of the first seed to sprout:

Later this week, I am going to transplant my little plants into bigger containers so they can grown BIG and STRONG before I kill them in in the Texas heat. Until things cool off, I'm keeping my fingers crossed (and hopefully my thumbs green) and hoping for pumpkins to make a proper pumpkin pie for turkey day this year.

*as always, you can click the pictures for much more bigger!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

and then there was one...

well, one pineapple with two dogs. That's because I came home Wednesday and the former MOTL had packed up his shit (well some of it along with the good TV and the remote to the cable box -- bring it back!) and moved to the landfill in Wimberley. So things have been a little off here. I keep meaning to blog (not about my personal bullshit), but for the past week I've just been too bitchy or whiny to do it. Also, I've spent the past week adjusting to the single life. I think it will take some time to get in the swing of being on my own (and not someone's keeper) after five years of whatever. All I know is that my house is a wreck and there is still some ginormous piece of Styrofoam that is painted like a boulder in my backyard that did not move to the landfill with the former other half. When it appeared in the backyard a few weeks ago (conveniently after the bulk trash pick up) I made my feelings clear that it needed to go back from whence it came. It is big and ugly and it looks like this:

When I first commented on how awful it was, I was told that I just didn't understand. Damn straight I don't understand why I would want something like that and I also don't understand why it is still here. Pick it up when you bring back my remote!

Getting my life in some sort of order has been difficult. Mostly because something horrible has happened to my foot -- I have this excruciating and mysterious pain that causes random swelling and constant discomfort. How can I wash that man right out of my hair (and my house) if I can't even walk?!? Today, I had it x-rayed. When the nurse, the doctor, and the x-ray technician each asked which foot was hurting I always replied "my left foot," no one even blinked. I thought it was funny (at least ironic because my left foot was the only thing not working), but maybe they get that all the time. So, now I hobble alone. OK, I hobble with two constantly panicked dogs underfoot as I relearn how to cook for one.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Alberto is gainfully employed!

My good buddy Alberto Gonzales is moving to Lubbock this fall because he finally got a job! He's going to be teaching political science at Texas Tech. Too bad he isn't teaching ethics though. But I guess he can teach those kids how you go to the AG's hospital bed to get him to sign off on illegal programs and then later how to fire people that have different political views than yourself and call it science! The neat thing about it is that no one will notice the smell of his bullshit because the stockyard just outside of town will cover that up! And another upside of being a Red Raider is that you get to have taco night after you play the Longhorns!*

*I guess that's what happens when they lose to us. Every time I ask my relatives what they do with all of the tortillas (they throw them in the air when they win football games -- I don't know why), they always tell me to shut up. How am I supposed to learn anything when these important questions go unanswered?

Sunday, July 05, 2009

I guess I'm old and lame

Every year, my neighborhood has a 4th of July parade and a picnic. This year there was even a bbq cook off. Our family tradition is that I make breakfast and the Pineapple Parents come over to watch the parade. Then, later in the afternoon I drop by the neighborhood picnic before going over to the Pineapple Parent's house for their annual 4th of July brisket party. After the parade, I got a serious case of the lazies. It may have had something to do with the fact that a certain someone was too hungover to help me get everything set up before the parade and to clean up afterward. So, I decided to skip out on the picnic. I do hate that I missed out on the pear wine.

My parent's dog has developed a really bad habit of bolting out the front door and running to the neighbor's house (they have ferrets inside). However, yesterday's big draw was another neighbor's cook out. I opened the door to let guests in and the dog ran out. Since he has no street smarts and no desire to return when called, I ran after him. And it was hot. I felt like I was running in slow motion. I felt like I couldn't pick up my feet because I was running through hot lava, under a heat lamp. I ran circles around houses and through the neighbors' backyards after that damned dog. He would stop every so often and look to see if I was still coming and then take off again. I finally got lucky when he cornered himself. It is amazing how running after a little dog in record breaking 104 degree weather can really wear you out. I never really recovered from it. By the time I left the Pineapple Parents', I was too tired to go watch the fireworks. I thought I would just watch them on TV, but I was too lame to even stay up to watch Barry Manilow on PBS.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Happy 4th of July, ya'll!

Have a great holiday weekend! And thanks to Lipz for posting this awesome video! I couldn't steal it without you!

Friday, July 03, 2009

2012 is going to be a great year for my ass!

Thank you, Sarah Palin!
I look forward to your failed attempt to become the Republican presidential nominee in 2012. Why else would she be stepping down as Governor of Alaska (it certainly isn't because of the numerous ETHICS complaints that have been filed!)??? It will be a great time for me to go to the gym and run up hill on the treadmill because you say such stupid and infuriating things every time you open your big fat mouth. It is going to be great. And my ass is going to look great, too!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

trash talk

So last weekend we put out a variety of three-legged chairs and other large items that should have never come to my house. The pick up in our area started on Monday, but could come as late as Friday. Naturally, day after day the junk stayed in my yard (it really dressed up the joint!). Then on Thursday I get a call at work from MOTL...

MOTL: The guys working across the street parked in front of our trash. Its still there. They took everyone else's trash.
Me: Fuck. Go over there and tell them they better take that shit with them when they leave work today.
MOTL: I guess I can get my dad to bring his truck and we can take it out to the property*.
Me: No. Go over there and tell them they better figure out how to haul that shit away. And call the city and tell them they missed our stuff. One way or another someone else it taking that shit away.

Call Two--
MOTL: Those guys don't speak English.
Me: Bullshit. They just don't like what you are telling them.
MOTL: I did find out who they work for. Do you want to call?
Me: No. I'm at work. You call. And then call the city and tell them they forgot to pick up our shit.

Call Three--
MOTL: I talked to their boss. And he said they would take our trash when they left the site today.
Me: Did you call the city, too?
MOTL: They said they would circle back around on Friday.
Me: Um, OK (I have my doubts about that part of the story). Well, we'll see what happens. Someone is taking that crap one way or another. But I need to get back to work because I am working.

When I got home the workers and their trailer were still there and that trash was still in my yard. As I sat down on the couch, we heard the truck pull away. Without our garbage. I looked at MOTL and told him to call that dude now.

MOTL: Why don't you call? You're the lawyer.
Me: Yes, but when I call him it is going to be to tell him how much he owes me for having that shit hauled away or else I'm filing a lawsuit and serving him with a shit ton of discovery. Finish what you started.
MOTL: (dials the number, no answer, so he leaves a message)Your guys didn't take the garbage from our house. You better do it tomorrow or my girlfriend, the lawyer, is going to have to have it hauled away and will sue you.
Me: rolled my eyes to the back of my head.

When I got home from work the next day, not only were all of those junky chairs gone but so was the brush that the city wasn't going to take any way. Guess we got a sweet deal after all...

*their property is like the land of misfit toys, except they take everything that they've ever had taht is now broken out their. I think of their property as their own personal landfill.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Pineapple + Feng Shui (insert water feature here)*

So, I may have mentioned in an earlier post that I had a "plan". Well, it turns out setting your future career goals and thinking of a couple of things you need to do to soothe your current frustration doesn't really qualify as a plan. Also, going on a kick ass vacation really does bring your stress levels down a lot. So much so, that things didn't seem quite so bad (and were frankly humorous) when I returned to work. Mostly that holds true a month later. At least now I'm not desperate to escape so I can wait until the right thing comes along (because I am still looking).

But the thing that has held my attention the most since my return is getting my shit together in my home space.** I was quite thrilled when I got the notice about the bulk trash pick up. All I can say is, "bye bye three legged chair. I never wanted you so you are going back to the curb you came from."*** As did the other shitty chairs that MOTL has collected from the side of the road over the last year. I'm not against roadside furniture, I'm just against broken, mangled and filthy roadside furniture.

I have thorn things out, cleaned shit up, built a pair of nightstands****, rearranged furniture, and planted the beginnings of a garden. I've even started organizing my "home office" so I can get back to writing. Over the past month I have busted my ass and made some real progress. I still have a long way to go, but things are moving forward for the first time in a long time. I don't know if feng shui really works, but I can attest to the fact that getting your shit in order does make you feel better. And that is a start.

*I don't really know if feng shui extends to blogs, but with this heat I am certain I need more water features in my life. Or maybe just a glass of water because I am thirsty.

**Obviously it hasn't been uploading those photos from the kick as vacation...

***The highlight was watching the guy load up our janky bbq pit in the back of his trailer last weekend. MOTL had not cleaned it out and the poor guy got covered in ashes.

****a la

Monday, June 22, 2009

dirty business

As we are now on day 5468 of over 100 degree weather, it seemed like a fine time to do some gardening. My gardening odyssey started yesterday when the Pineapple Dad started talking about going to buy some plants. So, we all went -- it was a family trip to the hottest place on Earth. Also known as Lowes. By the time I got back to my car and we loaded it up with plants and mulch, I really thought I was going to die. Even the tops of my feet felt like they were on fire from the heat. If a native Texan is whining about the heat, its hot ya'll. MOTL and I came home to unloaded our goods and sleep it off. I drank about a million glasses of water and tried to nap. But I kept thinking about how I really wanted some mint (apparently Lowes is a mint free zone).

Next thing you know, I've talked MOTL into going to our neighborhood Home Depot where we struck out once again (and batting like the Astros). And although he really wanted to go back home, I had a hostage and a mission. We went to a local hardware/garden shop and there we found it. Mint! I now have a 30 foot bed with peppermint, spearmint, lemon mint, orange mint and apple mint. They did not have any chocolate mint and they only had one half dead pineapple mint. Maybe next time.

Now I am dehydrated (I couldn't see through my glasses because the sweat was dripping off me by the gallon -- eeew!) and sore (from digging up the rest of the wandering jew and then planting the mint and mulching). Of course it was just about dark when I finished watering it. And it was still in the upper 90s.

And tomorrow night, I plant the flowers. I rule.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

you say you want a revolution

Frankly, I find the story about the election in Iran fascinating and compelling. And I am totally rooting for the underdog (even though Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Mir-Hossein Mousavi aren't all that different from one another). But Ahmadinejad is kinda scary and I am really against stealing elections. We all know how that turns out.

But what really pisses me off? Statements made by people like Insane McCain. Where does he get off insisting we take a hard line and support the opposition party. Does that include bombing them (and should we sing a song while we do it?)? Do people still take him seriously? And my question is: should they have taken a hard line with us in 2000? God knows it would have saved us some trouble (you know, like two wars and a financial crisis). But what is more appalling are the tweets from jackasses like John Culberson (comparing himself to the Iranians because the republicans are "repressed"). Whatever. You sad republican that benefited from the illegal gerrymandering in Texas, you are so repressed.

Monday, June 01, 2009

the party's over...

...and all I have to show for it is a wicked case of jet lag. My body thinks it is bedtime and I know I still have to leave the comfort of my air conditioned bedroom to get dog food and groceries. In that order because the dogs rule in this house (that, and I ate enough on that cruise ship that maybe I don't really need to eat all that much anyway). I actually filled up a travel journal* and took hundreds of pictures (many of them are "Traveling Pineapple" worthy). I had 18 much needed work-free days. But tomorrow I go back to what ever fresh hell that has erupted in my absence and long for the gentle rocking of the boat (not to mention the 15 days that I did not have to cook, clean, do the dishes, do the laundry, or any of those other shitty things).

*all handwritten, too. it was nice to spend some quality time writing, even if it wasn't quality writing.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

I'm leaving on a jet plane

And then I'm getting on a boat...

In fact, my plane for New York should be leaving right about now. I'll be back next month with lots of pictures (you know me).

Until then -- see ya!

Friday, May 15, 2009

time to freak out the dogs

They know something is up and they have been under my feet and on my lap for days. Shirley has even had middle of the night snuggle emergencies. There is nothing more restful than a 60 pound dog throwing her self on top of you or trying to get under you. Last night I had to spoon her so I wouldn't get pushed off the bed and Laverne had her head on my food with her legs wrapped around mine. I seriously need some coffee.

So today I pack my bags and go see Star Trek at the IMAX. But first I have to rub Shirley's tummy.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

These Shoes Suck

I don't know why people seem to like these New Balance shoes so much. Frankly, I've never experienced shoes so painful. I'd much rather run in stripper shoes than these things. I've had these stupid shoes for three weeks now and I think it is fair to call them torture devices. I've tried and I've tried, but after today I can take no more.* After thirty minutes my right foot was covered in blisters and the bottom of my left foot was numb. Not even hooker heels do that to your feet.

The thing that really gets me is that I wore these shoes around the store for twenty minutes and they felt great.** They remind me of that crazy ex-boyfriend (or ex-girlfriend depending on who you like to like) that was really fun and nice at first and then you wake up and they are bat shit crazy.*** I'm pretty sure I can't take these shitty shoes back, so what do you do with shoes this awful? MOTL suggested that I donate them, but can I do that with a clear conscious? Can I really not feel bad about giving these crippling shoes to some unsuspecting soul? Maybe I should just send them back to New Balance with a note that says, "no backs!" What I do know, is that I'm not taking these stupid shoes half way around the globe to continue the torture of my poor little piggies. Not very vacation like if you ask me.

In the end, I have learned that there is a reason I have been wearing the same brand of shoes for over ten years and this is my punishment for being unfaithful.

I have to conclude that Run DMC was oh, so very right when they said:

my Adidas and me, close as can be
we make a mean team, my Adidas and me
we get around together, rhyme forever
and we won't be mad when worn in bad weather
My Adidas..
My Adidas..
My Adidas

*And if these craptastic shoes weren't enough to deal with, some asshole changed the channel so I had to watch Paula Deen smother food with bacon and butter.
**Apparently wearing the shoes around the store while you shop is frowned upon by the employees at the Academy. So, I guess the ads about it being "my store" are not so true afterall.
***On Sunday I talked about people that behave like this and the Pineapple Dad asked me if I had some experience with this (in a way that implied I might be the one that is on good behavior at the start and then later on behave badly). I told him that wasn't true because I am always a sarcastic bitch and it is no act. MOTL said nothing and started "reading" a home decor catalog. He made the right choice because there is no right response.

Monday, May 11, 2009

How to Secede the Union Without Really Trying

Personally, I think this uproar about Gov. Good Hair making comments about Texas seceding is hilarious. For weeks, this has been on the national news. Really? Maybe I'm baffled because this is nothing new for Texans. We are always talking about seceding. It never made the national news before. I even had a "Secede" sticker on my first car. And I wasn't the only one. Hippies and rednecks alike had that same sticker. What baffles me even more is that the media believes that this is some sort of Republican "movement". Last time this idea had legs Texans were just pissed and Ronald Reagan was president (kind of blows that whole Republican thing argument, huh?). The media has even been taking polls to prove their point. Now they are convinced it is a Southern Republican thing (so why did they pass that sovereignty resolution in one of the Dakotas? They ain't Southern).

Well, here is my point: all these people talking about seceding in other states are a bunch of copy cat posers. Rick Perry is still an idiot, by the way.*

Here is the skinny on the movement to secede. Texas was a sovereign nation (Texas has been rockin' its independence since March 2, 1936**) that included what the non-geographically challenged persons will recognize as present day Texas and parts of New Mexico, Oklahoma, Kansas, Colorado, and Wyoming. When Texas joined the union, we reserved the right to leave whenever we wanted. And we frequently want to leave (again, I stress that this is not the first time). Also, we were not required to turn over public lands to the government. In other words, all federal land in Texas had to be purchased from us and we still own all of our oil reserves (and our jurisdiction extends 3 leagues offshore while yours is only 3 miles, other coastal states). Don't you other states feel foolish for just giving your shit away? And while I'm showing off, we joined the union in 1845 (official date December 29). And if you are wondering how the shape of Texas changed, we were given the authority to divide Texas (solely our discretion) and decided to cede the parts that are now New Mexico, Oklahoma, Kansas, and Wyoming to the feds in 1852 (mostly to get the Union to pay our debts from our time as a Republic). So, as much as our public education system has failed in Texas, we know our Texas history and we celebrate Texas Independence Day. We all know that that everything in Texas is bigger and better. We also have heated debates about whether we kept our right to leave the Union after the Civil War (and whether we were brought back into the Union legally). We even had a standoff. Remember when Richard McLaren declared war on the United States? We do.***

So, these other states with their secession movements don't have this same kind of history (or standoffs) that we do. They are just pissed that the Republicans lost control and that their party is in real danger of being a political party non grata. For them, this is all about throwing a tantrum and that makes them copy cat posers. For Gov. Good Hair, this is a Texas tradition and an idea that is old hat. And whether or not we agree with him (or even like him), Texans don't see why this is such news to the rest of you.

*He's just squawking about seceding to justify not taking money we really need (the Texas Workforce Commission is out of money and he won't take money for unemployment benefits). We have taken federal aid to get more bacon flu supplies and we have received the most disaster money from FEMA than any other state. That's because under Rick Perry's rule, we don't need no stinkin' federal government. Thus, he is an idiot.

**BTW, I did not have to look any of this up, but feel free to fact check. You will find that I am right. Texas children are required to learn a lot about Texas history. It was even required in college.

***We weren't really rooting for him. While the media was making comments about him being a wingnut with too many guns, we all knew he was a mid-westerner with not enough guns.

Friday, May 08, 2009


"I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy
Snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty
Oily, greasy, fleecy, shining
Gleaming, steaming, flaxen, waxen
Knotted, polka-dotted; Twisted, beaded, braided
Powdered, flowered, and confettied
Bangled, tangled, spangled and spaghettied!"

well doesn't that sounds exciting? it really wasn't. More of a pain in the ass really, so I chopped it all off today on a whim. a little over six inches. and I got bangs, too! I'm feeling better. So much so, that I actually started feeling a little snarky and sarcastic today. Maybe I will dye my hair red while I'm at it...

Thursday, May 07, 2009

a pineapple with a plan

When you've hit your limit of bullshit, the best thing you can do is come up with a plan. As I was inundated with phone calls from the masses, I started to think about where I really wanted to be. I've had an idea about where I'd like to end up for a while. I never imagined that I'd be using my law degree to answer stupid questions (and, yes, there are stupid question and they are usually asked by stupid people). As I answered one stupid question after another, I realized that my current job isn't the way to fulfill any type of future career goals. My job really is a joke. But it was a moment in the hall when I greeted my supervisor and got no response (rude much?) that my decision had really been made. Today is the day that I committed to finding a new job. A job that will get me to my goal. Because at my age, it really is time I had some sort of career goals. I'm still miserable and desperately unhappy in my current situation, but I'm not feeling as overwhelmed by it now that I have a plan. And I didn't want to cry when I got home for the first time in weeks. I'm not usually a crier, but lately it has seemed like a good idea. Things have been that craptastic.

Admittedly, it isn't just my job that is getting me down. So, I've come up with a plan to get my non-work life back on track. One of my goals is to get back to something that makes me feel good -- writing down my bullshit thoughts. I haven't committed to getting back to my blog per se. Maybe I'll start working on the book I never finished, maybe I'll start a new blog. I don't know yet. But rambling on about my personal bullshit has helped me sort some shit out in my head.

All I have to do now is survive one more week of bullshit, then I have two weeks to clear my head before I tackle the my new goals.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

yes, it's been two months

and let's face it, the pineapple world has been pure shit since the last time I blogged. frankly, I'm not sure if this is a one time deal or maybe there is still a flicker or glimmer of something like drive to start this again. I just don't know. I do feel a need to purge, or bitch, or complain, or rant, or SOMETHING. I wish I could point to the one thing that made me so completely unmotivated to do anything. But I just can't. I can point to a lot of somethings in almost every aspect of my life that are completely jacked up. And that is where my lack of motivation comes from -- the fact that everything is screwed up.

It really is sad when there hasn't been a single, stupid world event that inspired me to give my opinion to the lack of masses flocking to my blog. Not the ridiculousness of the Republicans, the absurdity of the swine flu panic, or Captain Sullenberger's ruined library books inspired me to turn on my computer. It wasn't even remotely motivating when Spain was talking about prosecuting Alberto for war crimes. You know a pineapple is in a bad way when that can't touch her inner blogger. Pity party, ya'll. Pity. Party.

Here I am. Another night of stressful thoughts and lack of sleep in pineapple land. Watch me as I am say absolutely nothing and get uncharacteristically personal in a vague way. I keep thinking that I'm getting closer to a good place and I make a move forward only to get bitch slapped about ten steps back. Almost everything I own is damaged, broken, missing, or deficient in some way and since I had the poor judgment to go and get myself a guv'mint job I have no money to take care of this shit. I mean really, should I get a new wireless router so I can not blog from any room in the house or pay the electric bill so I can complain that I have electricity, but not wireless internet.

Speaking of my guv'mint job, well, my work situation is unbearable. Everyone has gone insane and although I do my job well I am on some shit list for an unknown reason. If I weren't so damned broke from my lack of income I'd sing those bitches a certain Johnny Paycheck song. Oh, come on, you know the one (it rhymes with take this job and shove it...). And naturally since Gov. Goodhair is more interested in refusing stimulus money and talking about seceding while asking for drugs from the federal government in his unreasonable bacon flu panic, there will be no cost of living raise for state employees. There is no money for that. And he doesn't have time to worry about that anyway when he wants to make sure dead people get buried with their IDs. Or something like that. I am almost tempted to vote in the Republican primary just so I can vote against that dickwad. A shitty salary keeps an employee motivated to stick around -- don't pay me enough to live on and then refuse to give me a cost of living raise when my cost of living gets more and more expensive. Hell, If I cut much more out of my budget I will be sitting around in the dark listening to my stomach growl. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful to have a job but just watch me cross party lines to help Miss Breck kick your ass, buddy.

But the thing that prays on my mind the most is that I can't face going back to the gym. Let's just ignore the fact that after months of eating healthy and making three to four trips to the gym every week, there has been no progress. I should have kept my old job and completed the tour of every single Whataburger and Sonic in the State of Texas. At least I got some good pictures out of it. And it isn't even the fact that those fools screwed my account up so badly that they stop me to make sure I can come in every single time I go. I now just say," it's not me, it's you" when I hand them my card. Some of those dummies get the joke, but most of the time I get a blank stare. But that really isn't what puts me off of that place. It is the asswipe that likes to change the channel to the Food Network on half of the TVs in that place. I try to pick a place where I can watch the news and not see that shit at all. But without fail there are at least two TVs that have that food channel in my line of vision. I get tricked by the commercials, I guess. I just can't face another episode of Paula Deen (she always seems to be on no matter what time I'm at the gym). I do not need to watch her put five sticks of butter in everything. It doesn't matter what she is making (butter salad, anyone?). At some point she says,"Oh honey, I think that needs some butter! Don't you?" And then she puts 50 sticks in the pan. Frankly, there should be a law against showing food shows at a gym. Isn't food the main reason any of us exercise???

I guess the long and not so short of it is that my life is in shambles and the only thing that keeps me going is that I get two weeks off to go a trip with the pineapple family. And I am so grateful that they are taking me because I can't afford to run away on my own (thanks, Rick Perry). The big question is, "can I make it 9 more days?"