Saturday, August 15, 2009

Shirley Le Pew

I usually wake up to go to the hell job when it is still kinda dark outside. So sometimes, the dogs think they are helping me by asking to do out on Saturday "morning" when it is still dark and early. Today was one of those days. Shirley asked to go out (there was no indication that she was going on a kill mission) and Laverne stayed hidden under the covers. I didn't think anything of it until I heard a big tussle and snarling. I turned to go back outside to see what happened when Shirley came racing back in the house and went straight to the bathroom. And then I smelled it. SKUNK. That is not what you want to deal with when you are groggy, the house is dark, you aren't wearing your glasses, and you don't even know where anything is that you might need to clean a skunky dog. I'm certain Shirley is still a little skunky, but I know that the house is really skunky. I figured that out when I decided to water the yard since I was already up. Coming back in the house was a horrible shock (the candles are lit and the house is open despite the already uncomfortable temperatures outside). Good thing I have house guests coming later today. What do you say to them? Something like, "so glad you could make it in time to share the skunk!"


Monday, August 03, 2009

The Glamour of Being a Single Pineapple

Friday night was a single girl's dream night. Instead of going to a party, I stayed in with my dogs. First the dogs had anxiety attacks about all the lightening and thunder (no rain -- it was all for show). My plan was to go party after then danger had passed. Once "the storm that never was" did finally blow over, it was party time. Just not in the way I was planning. Shirley got a nice case of explosive diarrhea. Lovely, huh?

Instead of getting ready to go hang out with some interesting new people, I had to make a run to the Walgreen's for Kaopectate for the dog. The upside of this is that the trip to the Walgreen's was interesting. Of course going to a drugstore in the 'hood at ten at night always is interesting. First I saw a very large tranny in line wearing a microscopic halter top and mini skirt. She was twice my size, yet wearing clothes smaller than mine. She was dressed like Lula from the Stephanie Plum books -- except the tranny was born a Hispanic man instead of being a vary large black woman. I wanted to ask if she was called Lula, but that would have been rude and she could have totally snapped me like a twig. And then when I was leaving the parking lot some dummy pulled out right in front of me. I had to slam on the brakes. This is when I noticed all of the bullet holes in the car. But after seeing the way they drive, I understand why someone would want to shoot them.

By the time I got Shirley all squared away and diarrhea free, it was 4 am and I was not in the mood to party. And this is why being a single pineapple is so glamorous.