Wednesday, January 30, 2008

A Political Update from My Dogs

On Monday, our eloquent president told us in the second to the last sentence that the state of the union was good. How he said that with a straight face, I will never know. Maybe that's why he waited until the end of the speech to say it. You know, to prevent fits of giggles throughout the speech. For the most part it was the same old crap. War, blah, blah, terror, blah, blah, inconsequential stimulus package, blah, blah, we need to make schools better but you should send your kids to faith based schools because schools are so bad, blah, blah. Since the weather was nice that night, we had the back door open so the girls could go in and out as they pleased. At one point Laverne came in for a drink of water, looked at the TV, snorted in disgust and went back out to dig a hole in the yard. I guess the idea of having a hole big enough to get all the way into was much more appealing than watching the bullshit on the TV. I can't say that I blame her. Both Laverne and Shirley came in to watch the Democrats Response to the State of the Union speech. And they were both impressed with Kathleen Sebelius. We all enjoyed it when she told W to grow up. Of course, she said it in the nicest possible way! MOTL and I were talking about her as a viable candidate for Vice-President and both of the girls agreed with much tail wagging. Of course, their tails started wagging the minute Sebelius started talking. They were all about her message of getting to work and solving the problem. However, Shirley could barely contain her excitement at the thought of a Obama-Sebelius ticket. The thought of that brings on much tail wagging, wiggling and kisses from Shirley. It makes Laverne prance and she even talks a little. Personally, I would like to live in their world so I'm down with that idea, too.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Phone Spam

I'm not kidding. Phone spam. Did you know about phone spam, because I didn't until I got some. It really pissed me off so I called my wireless carrier to complain. Apparently, if you don't want phone spam you have to call the phone company to tell them to block it. I was told that outside companies can buy your number so they can send you text messages about all the great things that people spam you about on your email. When I complained about this policy the person told me that I would be surprised what people want on their phones. Well, I'm not. And I'm not impressed that "the new AT&T" is selling my phone number to online pharmacies. This is a bad policy. I have to pay to get crap on my phone? And why wasn't I notified that I could "opt out" before they started selling my number? It seems that this should be more of a thing that you can "opt in" for, not the reverse. If people liked spam, they wouldn't have named it after spiced ham in a can. Yuck. So, if you are not interested in getting this kind of crap on your phone, I highly recommend that you call your wireless provider and tell them to put a spam block on your phone.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Shirley Picks A Presidential Candidate

Last September, my dogs made their feelings about W and the war in Iraq pretty clear when Laverne growled at the president's speech about the war. The girls were completely unimpressed with his lies and demanded to be let out of the house immediately. Since then, they have kept their political views to themselves. That was until yesterday. I was watching Meet The Press and so was Shirley. She was at attention, tilting her head back and forth and staring at the TV like she was really paying attention. Every time they mentioned Barack Obama, she began wagging her tail a little. They showed a clip of him speaking and the tail wagging got more intense. I guess his message of hope and change really speaks to her. When I asked her if she liked Barack Obama, she wagged her tail again and gave me a kiss. Then I asked if she liked Hillary Clinton and she snorted and turned her head away from me. I guess we know who she will be voting for in the March primary. I didn't have the heart to tell Shirley that by the time we have our primary in Texas, the presidential nominee will probably have already been decided. I tried to ask Laverne who she likes, but it seems that she is still undecided.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Get Me A Scientologist! STAT!

Recently, a video of Tom Cruise expressing his views about the world and Scientology was leaked to the internet. I'm sure some loony tunes will see it as "enlightening". I think a better way to describe his rant would be "crazy". It is kind of long, but a lot like a train wreck. Just when you think your head will explode because of all of the crazy talk and you feel like you must turn it off, you get sucked in by the crazy and wonder how much crazier it can get.

What really sold me was the bursts of maniacal laughter prompted by nothing in particular. I suppose my being a non-believer made me miss the obvious humor of his statements. I don't know about you, but I look forward to a crazy world under one cult where we can all be reformed from our drug use and alien implanted traumas. Also, we will no longer need doctors when we have car accidents because no one can help you like a Scientologist. It will also be better when we can go on vacations and romp and play. Unfortunately, Tom Cruise is prevented from doing this because now "he knows", you know? But what I really wonder is when we will see Tom Cruise in his true lobster form. If you have a pot big enough, I will bring the butter sauce.

Michael Bloomberg is NOT Running For President

Uh huh. If he says so. That's why he came to Austin to get his picture taken with Lance Armstrong. Because the mayor of New York often has business to take care of in Austin, Texas and hanging out with the guy that won the Tour de France 1000 times will make New York a better city. You know, they don't have cancer or cancer centers in New York. That must be why he had to come here, to study cancer. That and his other important New York business that is here. For example, he was also meeting with Clay Mulford during his trip to Austin. We all know that Clay Mulford is pivotal to conducting mayoral business -- not to running third party candidate presidential campaigns. It is the normal course of business to a mayor of New York to meet with Ross Perot's campaign manager. I'm sure they were discussing New York business and not Bloomberg's viability as a presidential candidate. So once he finished up his very important New York business here, he jetted off to California for more important New York business. There is often a lot of important New York business in California, don't you know?. There he got his picture taken with "The Governator" and talked about highways. He went all the way to California to talk about highways? I guess they don't have those in New York either. All in all, it sounds like a very educational trip for Bloomberg and not at all any indication that he is thinking about running for president. I am so glad we got that all cleared up.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Oh, Justice!

Ain't justice grand? One of our fine State Supreme Court Justices and his wife were arrested for arson yesterday after a grand jury issued an arrest warrant for the two of them. Apparently, Justice Medina and his wife aren't so hot with the whole finance thing. Apparently the Medinas were not able to afford their million dollar home on his $150,000 annual salary. The bank foreclosed on their loan in 2006 when they missed five mortgage payments. Luckily, they were able to settle that suit. But in the mean time, it seems that they also stopped paying their home owners association dues (they owe $1900) and didn't pay their insurance premiums. Because they haven't been paying for insurance, they can't recover any money from the fire. I guess they still haven't figured out that they are living beyond their means.

Did I mention that it was arson? And that two other houses caught on fire? Or that this is the second time they had a fire start in their garage? What the hell are they doing in that garage that caused not one, but two fires? Did they not learn anything the first time around? I would like to think that I would take away a lesson from using fire accelerants in the garage the first time I caught mine on fire. One would also think that it would be a bad idea to be playing with fire when you don't have any fire insurance. But that's just me.

Of course, today the Harris County District Attorney dismissed the charges for "lack of evidence." Hello! Grand jury indictment! They seemed to think there was some evidence. But I expect nothing less from an office run by an idiot that uses his work email to send sexy emails to his mistress/secretary. The taxpayers of Harris County pay District Attorney Rosenthal $166,000 a year to send thousands of non-work related emails about kissing his secretary, his now defunct re-election campaign, and about the new green Nike shoes. I wish I got paid that much to fuck off at work! Oh wait, I don't fuck off at work. Maybe that's why the government isn't paying me the big bucks...

Had they charges stood against Justice Medina, the State Commission on Judicial Conduct could have suspended him without pay. I guess Justice Medina can continue on with his "work" and in his no bill paying ways.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

UFOs in Stephenville!

I mean if you were from another planet, the top spot on your vacation list is absolutely going to be Stephenville, Texas. Erath County is the top destination for all the jet-setting aliens this year! Or so say many residents of Stephenville. Apparently, the UFO they have spotted is silent, has lights, is faster than a speeding bullet and is bigger than a Wal-Mart. There are reports of the sighting from dozens of town residents (including a pilot and a cop)! Of course, the military is poo-pooing their sighting. But Stephenville is not the only hot vacation spot for these aliens -- they were in Chicago last year for their holiday. Last year's sighting was reported by 12 United pilots at O'Hare.

Friday, January 11, 2008

The Check Is In The Mail

So why did we put the FBI in charge of investigating? I mean I know it is in their name and all, but they aren't doing the best job. Of course when your wiretaps get cut off because you forget to pay your bill, it makes it hard to do your illegal spying. Oh yeah, you are saying to yourself but they passed that unconstitutional law that lets them listen to any conversation they want to. Whatever. The feds are blaming some dude that stole $25,000.00 dollars in 2006 from the funds earmarked for their illegal spying program. How long has it been since they've paid up anyway? If I hadn't paid my phone bill in over a year, AT&T would have shut my wiretaps down much sooner than that. The FBI also blames their bad accounting system that was creating in the 80s. What? Have they been operating under Trickle-Down Accounting Principles? Does that do something like, "the check is in the mail to somebody else and when they spend it you reap the benefits because the money is in the economy now, so don't turn off our phones"? I don't know, but something tells me that the Reagan Economics based TAP doesn't follow GAAP(Generally Accepted Accounting Principles). This should really help their case when FISA is up for renewal.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Cry Me A River!

So I guess one way to win a primary is to cry. It seemed to have worked for Hillary. I guess she fooled the voters of New Hampshire into believing she might just be human after all. And its hard running for president. Here's some advice: if it is making you cry, then don't do it. I think this advice applies to Mitt Romney as well. If you are going to be a cry baby, I don't want you to be my president. If you think running for president is hard, actually being one will blow your mind. Unless you are W and you take naps everyday no matter what turmoil is afflicting this nation. For him, being president hasn't been so hard. See how well that has turned out for everyone? But if crying helps you in the polls, I guess Oprah better start crying in every state to get Obama's campaign back in the winning column (despite the fact that he leads in the number of delegates). It seems that since he has lost one primary, the "experts" think he should throw in the towel or have a good cry. Apparently, losing a primary by 7,481 votes and getting the same number of delegates makes Obama a big fat loser and Hillary the next nominee. Neither Obama nor his wife seem like good candidates to do the crying thing. They should leave the tears to Oprah because you can be Oprah and still cry without any ridicule. Cry, Oprah! Cry!

Also, after Hillary's speech I am even more convinced that she should not be president. When Edwards and Obama gave their concession speeches, they talked about how the people can change the world. Obama made me think I can make a difference in the world and I was inspired by him. Edwards made me believe that he really cares and wants to do good things. When Hillary gave her speech, I was disgusted. She stole the good points of their speeches and somehow made it all about her. Word theft does not inspire me. Neither does her ego. The thought of her getting the nomination makes me want to cry.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Leave Oprah Alone!

I guess it took all of the candidates a day to get over the shock and awe of Chuck Norris and Oprah Winfrey. I mean Hillary did give a speech that sounded a lot more like a victory speech than a concession speech. I guess her people forgot to tell her she lost to Oprah in Iowa. And now I have reason to believe that Romney may be a crier. Romney was on of those morning shows yesterday and looked like he had been crying. He have been really cold because he was outside in New Hampshire, but there were signs of crying that the cold just can't explain (hello! runny, puffy, red eyes!). Perhaps because Chuck Norris kicked his ass and it made him cry. But presidents (or presidential candidates) shouldn't cry. Even if Chuck Norris does kick your ass. Now, both Hillary and Romney have decided now is the time to attack Oprah -- I mean Obama. He has now been accused of give us false hope and ridiculed for wanting to get all of the troops out of Iraq. My question is: how can they attack Oprah like that?!? I can understand personal attacks on Chuck Norris because everyone knows that his tears cure cancer but he won't cry. That's just mean of Chuck Norris, unless his cure for cancer turns out like the cure in I Am Legend, in which case I am not at all interested. But Oprah? In her world we all read books (even thought they are crappy books) and we get free cars. We are all striving to know ourselves and we help people in need. I mean, Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. So I say, leave Oprah alone!

Friday, January 04, 2008

Chuck Norris v. Oprah Winfrey

It feels like we've been talking about who will be the next president for years. I guess it has been because I've been hoping for a new one since the Supreme Court handed Bush his hopefully last position of power. But finally something is happening. Iowa had it's caucus last night and New Hampshire is set for its primary on Tuesday.

I suppose the biggest news is that loony tune Huckabee took Iowa. But it seems like the Republicans of Iowa may have been under the thrall of Chuck Norris. It remains to be seen if his spell will capture the votes in other states. Or maybe it was that rockin' appearance on Jay Leno that did it for him. It is so hard to say. Of course Giuliani, the mayor of terror, isn't going to be in the mix until Florida and that it primaries away. Can Chuck Norris kick Giuliani's ass?

Iowa also let us know that we are ready for a black president and that we really aren't so ready for Hillary. Obama edged out front-runner Edwards; and Hillary, the candidate formerly known as the one to beat, came in turd -- I mean third. I'm certain I don't meet the criteria of of a younger voter, but I do see the appeal of Obama. Ever since I saw him speak on behalf of the Democrats after Bush's first State of the Union Address, I've kind of been under his thrall. I've been waiting for him to run for president for a long time and now it seems like it could really happen. Plus he's got the power of Oprah and that can only help his image of "the little guy really can change the world" thing that he's got going. Could this turn out to be a battle of Oprah vs. Chuck Norris?