Saturday, September 27, 2008

Why Aren't People Talking About These Things?

Everybody is all, "blah, blah, blah, so and so absolutely won the debate last night." Whatever. Let's talk about some of the stupid shit that came out of John McCain's mouth last night. No one else seems to be talking about it so I will. First, he led his opening statement on his "sad note" of Ted Kennedy being in the hospital. Guess what, Mayor McCheese? He had already gone home well before you started because he wanted to watch the debate from home. Way to come out the gate looking like a fool.

But the thing that really sent everyone I watched the debate with in to peals of laughter is when he used the example of the North Koreans being shorter than the South Koreans as an example of how bad North Korea is. Does John McCain have a height requirement to be his friend? I mean his decision making process is a lot like a roller coaster so it stands to reason. "You must be at least this tall to be a friend to the United States." Maybe customs can get some new signs. If you aren't tall enough you can't even come in our country.

Also, we very much enjoyed how he made faces every time Barack Obama spoke, how he refused to look at Barack Obama or even address him directly no matter how many time Jim Lehrer asked him to. He may as well have put his hands over his ears and yelled, "I'm right and you're wrong" over and over. Do people really want such a brat as their president? It seems that the answer may be "no". The poll taken by CBS immediately after the debate indicated that Barack Obama got a big boost among the undecided voters. After the week Mayor McCheese has had, he does not look anything like a president. He looks like a liar that can't make decisions or be a useful part of Senate negotiations. And that's what I thought about the debate.

No Man Can Eat 50 Eggs

RIP, Paul Newman

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Dirty, Unnecessary Lies

At this point, my level of disgust has reach new, unprecedented heights. It is a real shame that my migraine has kept me from the gym for the past few days. My ass would be so small if I could have worked out! You know, Baby Boy Bush and his "bailout" just weren't bad enough. The thought of giving him another blank check is enough to give me a brain aneurysm.

Next, we were subjected to Sarah Palin attempting to get foreign affairs experience by meeting with world leaders. The content of those conversations basically amounted to how pretty she is. No wonder they wanted to keep the reporters out and only let the photographers in. At this point, she has only shown us that she and Condi are really good at the matching chair photo op thing.

But the real low(so far this week)? Lying to David Letterman. What the hell is that about, Mayor McCheese? You say you are suspending your campaign and flying immediately to Washington. So what do you do? Meet with your new redneck-hating pal (Lady Lynn Forester de Rothschild), not to mention few other political appearances in NYC, and then you give an interview to Katie Couric at the same time you had been scheduled to be on Letterman. I'm sure that this is exactly how you suspend a campaign when you use the John McCain definition of "suspend". It seems that his poor academic record is taking its toll because the Mayor is completely unaware of the the plain language meaning of basic words (like "fundamentals" and "suspend" for starters). But I have some advice (other than buying a fucking dictionary): stop telling lies, Pinocchio, because your nose is growing! And in case you missed it, here is David Letterman:

Thursday, September 18, 2008

It Is Time To Play "Name That Senator"!

Who made the following statements today made about Sarah Palin? And these were made even before we got to see her "enlightening" interview with Hannity where the two of them only were allowed to use the words "reform", "ruffle feathers" and "cronyism" the entire time.* See if you can Name That Senator!

1. "She doesn't have any foreign policy credentials. You get a passport for the first time in your life last year? I mean, I don't know what you can say. You can't say anything."

2. "I think it's a stretch to, in any way, to say that she's got the experience to be president of the United States."

3. "I think they ought to be just honest about it and stop the nonsense about, 'I look out my window and I see Russia and so therefore I know something about Russia,'" he said. "That kind of thing is insulting to the American people."

4. "But I do think in a world that is so complicated, so interconnected and so combustible, you really got to have some people in charge that have some sense of the bigger scope of the world. I think that's just a requirement."

If you answered Republican Senator Chuck Hagel to all of the above, then you would be 100%, exactly right!

*Won't it be fun when Tina Fey comes back to SNL to reprise her role as Palin?!?

The Palin of Spain Falls Mainly on McCain

Did you know that Spain is apparently in Latin America? And that McCain won't commit to meeting with the Prime Minister of Spain? You know, one of our few remaining allies? In an interview with a Spanish media outlet, he seemed awfully confused about where Spain might be located and he never really answered the question about meeting with Zapartero. Instead he started talking about only meeting with people that are friendly to us and are in Latin America. He also talked a little about Mexico. I guess you can't expect much from people that are supported by people that call people "rednecks". You could use "the googles" and listen to the whole interview, or just read this excerpt and really get a grasp on the interview:

INTERVIEWER: OK, what about Europe? I'm talking about the president of Spain.

McCAIN: What about me what?

INTERVIEWER: Ok, are you willing to meet with him if you are elected president?

McCAIN: I am willing to meet with any leader who is dedicated to the same principles and philosophy that we are for human rights, democracy and freedom, and I will stand up to those who are not.

Mayor McCheese's camp responded by saying that he meant to answer the question like that. I guess his keepers don't know where Spain is either.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I Own An Insurance Company!

And if you paid your taxes, so do you! Isn't it super neat to know that you own an interest in 80% of A.I.G.? I don't know about you, but I really like having a mandatory financial portfolio. Especially one that invests strictly in black holes of debt. That is what living in a capitalistic market is all about, right? It looks like there is a possibility of WaMu and Stanley Morgan being featured as apart of my brand new mandatory portfolio. All made possible by the Deregulation King, Phil Gramm (you know the guy "not" still advising John McCain on the economy)! And the other great thing about my new mandatory portfolio? It is good for my ass.

Monday, September 15, 2008

The Day The World Stood Still

How about Mayor McCheese and Public Enemy #2 (Phil Gramm, only second to slow-acting Greenspan)? After the big fun on Wall Street this morning, the Mayor kept on the track set out by Phil Gramm (his secret economic advisor and front runner to be Secretary of the Treasury) telling us that the fundamentals of the economy are strong but that he would clean up Wall Street. You may recall Phil Gramm as the one who made our mental recession possible (and would be a good bet to lead us into a DEPRESSION should the Mayor appoint him to the aforementioned Cabinet position). He is also the one that called you a whiner because you can't afford luxury items like food and gasoline.

When Joe Biden fired back at the bullshit (I'm so glad he is back in the game), the Mayor backpedaled by saying that workers are the fundamentals of the economy. If you say so, Mayor, but I've never heard of people being described as being "fundamentals". I think it is definitely a sign of mental recession when the stock market drops 500 points after we learn that the financial sector is collapsing slowly but surely. By the way, The Runner Up was campaigning in La-la-land where she spouted off that she was glad that the government didn't spend any money bailing out Lehman today. Guess what? The stock market only dropped 500 points (the biggest drop since the markets opened after 9/11) because the government is releasing tax payer dollars to soften the blow, bitch.

And what a big week for Tina Fey, I mean Sarah Palin. Unless you have been asleep since Saturday night, you know that Tina Fey did an outstanding job of playing The Runner-Up. In fact, the dumbasses on Fox & Friends thought it was great, too. Were they not paying attention to what was going on? They think it was the best impression ever done on an episode on SNL. I just about fell over when "Hillary" started talking about how she is absolutely opposed to the "Bush Doctrine" to which "Sarah" giggles that she doesn't know what that is. No shit. And just in case you were wondering, the skit was deemed "sexist" by Mayor McCheese's advisors...

But speaking of the "Bush Doctrine", by god did The Runner-Up know who was interviewing her. Did anyone count how many times she said "Charlie"? I'm curious to know. Seriously, did anyone take a count? While she did a great job of pretending she was confident it was obvious that she does not know anything about anything outside of Alaska and all of her childhood friends she appointed to government positions. Certainly not Ireland, you know one of the places her staff had to retract as a place she had visited because she was merely on a plane that landed to refuel there and she never stepped of the plane. Also, she never went to Iraq as she initially claimed. Surprise! Another lie! And way to go Rudy Giuliani, trying to defend The Runner-Up by stating that there is more than one "Bush Doctrine" and that even Wikipedia lists more than the one Charlie Gibson cited. However, it seems that in the end even Wikipedia agrees with Charlie.

And the most baffling thing? Karl Rove! The day that Karl Rove says that you've gone too far is the day the world stops turning on its axis for a moment. And that day was Sunday when Karl Rove basically called the Mayor a liar.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

RIP Ruthie The Duck Girl

I was sad to find out today that Ruthie passed away last week at age 74 from cancer. In her prime, Ruthie would roller skate through New Orleans' French Quarter from bar to bar with her ducks in tow. You never knew if she would sweet talk you out of a drink or let you know what a foul mouth she had. It was always always fun to watch her in action no matter what her moos was that day. She often wore a ratty fur coat or sometimes a wedding gown as she skated around. Apparently, they checked her into a nursing home shortly after I left New Orleans in 1999. It is always sad to see a true character like that pass away.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Flee or Die

That is basically what they told the residents of Galveston that if they don't evacuate that they would die. So naturally, only 40% of the population left. I guess this is kind of like the Alamo but with water. So far, half of the island is under water and shit is catching fire. And the storm hasn't even hit yet. Seems pretty dire to me. The predicted 20 foot storm surge is going to put the island under water and then flood several cities inland. But Texans are crazy -- we don't leave our homes even if it means we are going to die.

But as crazy as Texans may be, the newscasters on CNN are even more stupid. Anderson Cooper was reporting live from Houston. First, I'd like to point out that if the people of Houston just think about rain too much, it will flood. So he was smartly telling Wolf that the main concern is wind. As I'm still baffled about this answer, old Wolf poses the profound question to Cooper about whether all of those high rises in downtown Houston have shutters. What? Please insert a smart ass answer of your choice here. You know something like, "Yes, Wolf and as you can see they are frantically putting shutters on some of the country's tallest buildings as we speak. We all know that high rise buildings always keep their shutters in the basement for these kinds of emergencies." It just proves that there really are stupid questions.

Of course they didn't limit their stupidity to Ike. They also announced shortly before my time on the treadmill was up that Barack Obama would be speaking soon and that they anticipated that he would be speaking out against Hurricane Ike. Huh? I'm sure he was going to really condemn that damn storm. They live in a stupid, stupid world in CNN land.

Since I rarely felt the need to speed up, increase the incline, or extend my time on the treadmill; I guess that CNN's reporting on Ike comes in very low on the scale of things that are good for my Ass.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Because I couldn't say it any better

Quite possibly Keith Olbermann is good for my ass, too. Not to make light of this topic, but I had to add more time to the treadmill to watch his special comment on how the Republicans have hijacked 9/11 to their advantage as a political device. It is appalling. It is disgusting. And I couldn't say it any better.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

This Explains So Much

Monday night, the Pineapple Dad and I were discussing things we found while surfing the guide feature on the TV as we often do. I don't know why, but it is often a great source of hilarity. If it weren't for this past time, I would have never discovered the Korean and Mandarin Chinese Olympic Channels. We started out talking about Barack Obama's interview on Countdown with Keith Olbermann, but the conversation quickly deteriorated. So we begin flipping through the guide looking for the worst thing we can find when The Pineapple Dad tells me that if I am willing to stay up late enough I can watch Fair Game. I say, "what's that?" without really thinking. To which The Pineapple Dad replies, "Why its the biggest Cindy Crawford movie of all time!" After offering to read me the description of the movie (I passed because I remembered what movie he was talking about), The Pineapple Dad conceded that this may have been the only Cindy Crawford movie of all time. After the giggles brought on by the shear indignation that I didn't immediately remember that Fair Game was Cindy Crawford's best (or only) accomplishment in acting; I realized that everything I do, I come by it naturally. Inc ase you are wondering, by the end of the conversation, The Pineapple Dad has convinced himself that he needs to record this movie and watch it later at an "accelerated rate".

Monday, September 08, 2008

Why The McCain/Palin Ticket Is Good For My Ass

Because I have lost 5 pounds since Mayor McCheese named The Runner Up as his running mate. Every time I go to the gym, there is a bunch of crap on the TV that I am not interested in so I find myself in front of the one with CNN. Then I start watching Mayor McCheese spouting off about how lobbyists aren't going to be running Washington if he wins even though they are running his campaign. Then I watch the lies The Runner Up is telling about the bridge to nowhere that she took the money for and spent on something else, the plane that she didn't sell on eBay but through an aviation broker at a loss, and the cook she didn't really fire. Then they both tell lies about Barack Obama.* And I get mad. Really mad. And then I think, "this fucking treadmill is going too slow." So I speed it up. And then I get mad about something else, but it is almost time for me to go so I add some time to the machine so I can watch that one last story. And then I get mad and speed up the machine some more. Since I am in a public forum, I can't throw shoes at the TV or cuss up a storm. Instead it becomes an angry walking frenzy. At this rate I am going to be a runner by election day. And I am wildly against running unless I am running for my life or towards a huge pile of cash. What assholes.

* For example, unless you make over $250,000 a year or own a corporation that shipped its jobs overseas you will not be paying higher taxes. You will get a tax cut under Barack Obama's plan. However, John McCain wants to count your benefits as taxable income. Thus, you will be "making" more but taking home less because you will be paying more in taxes.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

The Runner-Up

Meet Sarah Palin, queen of the least populated state in the nation! The Republicans claim she is the most popular governor in the nation with a 90% approval rating! But what does it mean when you are the most popular big fish in the littlest pond? Really, not a whole lot. But the upside of the Runner-Up? Apparently she likes to give the people hugs everywhere she goes! Also, several people have said she is a VPILF. Now, that's hot!

After months of bashing Barack Obama for his lack of experience, Mayor McCheese comes out of the gate with Sarah Palin, the Runner-Up. A choice that really hits this experience argument out of the park. The Runner-Up is a beauty queen turned politician. She has extensive experience running a town of less than 7,000 because she was on the city council of Wasilla, Alaska, from 1992 to 1996, then served two terms as mayor of Wasilla from 1996 to 2002. She was unsuccessful in her 2002 bid for Lt. Governor, but was elected Governor of Alaska in 2006. So what is the next career choice for someone running the least populated state for under two years? Well, Vice President of course. And as Steve Doocy of Fox News has so helpfully pointed out, her foreign affairs experience is extensive:

So now that we know that The Runner-Up is super qualified to take over should something happen to the 1000 year old Mayor McCheese, let's look at the moose meat and potatoes of what she stands for.*

The Environment: We should drill, drill, drill. That is how we make Alaska rich, I mean end our dependence on foreign oil. And greenhouse emissions and global warming are not caused by anything man does.

Women's Issues: Your body is not your own. The government will tell you what you can or cannot do with it. You have now become a vessel for my god.

The Economy: I will tell lies about "our opponent" so that you think that you will be harmed by his policies to make the tax system more equitable. We are all going to benefit from the tax cuts the top 1% get. You do not need your own, communist.

Personal Attacks: I can say what ever I want about you (now matter how untrue or snotty it is), but as soon as you question me that is sexism.

*I will discuss her "record" in a later post.

Friday, September 05, 2008

What Is Something I am Grateful For?

YouTube. Otherwise I would have to watch the O'Reilly Factor multiple times. And who could stand that? Why would I want to watch the O'Reilly Factor, you ask? Well, to see him interview Barack Obama. And how do I know that happened? Well, because I saw this headline this morning: Obama Meets O'Reilly: No One Dies! Here is part one of the interview (and no one dies):

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Mayor McCheese's Big Night Out!

Terror! War! Only Mayor McCheese can keep you safe from attacks that happened seven years ago. Or so say the Republicans through their "9/11 Tribute" and a not so rousing speech from Tom Ridge. Frankly, I don't even remember what he said. We were also treated to a cheesy video montage that had a not so subliminal message that Sarah Palin is a maverick. I think they used that word 68,546 times. Also, they played background music that sounded an awful like a bad version of the theme song from Dallas.

I absolutely loved the video introducing Candy McCain. Up until this point I thought she was a robot or possibly an alien. My theory changes from day to day. But that video changed my mind. She is definitely a robot because aliens don't do the Tokyo Drift. And Cindy McCain can do the Tokyo Drift. After the video, she came on and said, "blah, blah, I can't read a teleprompter, blah, blah, blah. I do not tell clever jokes, blah, blah, blah." Honestly, after you learn she is a robot that does the Tokyo Drift what else do you need to know?

Did you know that John McCain was a POW in Vietnam? I learned that from the video about him. And then, when they started talking about his political career they started playing the pretend Dallas theme song. And do you know what else I learned today?

1. Mayor McCheese has been practicing his town hall style speech for six weeks. I didn't know they used teleprompters in town hall speeches. How folksy!
2. I also learned that "ignore the ground noise and static" is code for get that fucking protester that broke into the convention out of here.
3. He is going to take back Washington. Huh? From the Republican that is already living in the White House. And since he has been shirking his job responsibilities by not showing up to vote, I wonder if he remembers the way. And does he know if he has a home there?
4. Mayor McCheese has been called a maverick. That means he understands that he works for the owner of the NY Jets, I mean the people.
5. Seven years after a group of people that could have been stopped by a Republican administration attacked a building in NYC, we are still in immediate danger and that is why we need to win a war that was started on false pretenses.
6. He claims to know regular people and he claims to know just what it is like to live the life of a regular person. That's because we all own seven pieces of property and all of our fathers are unclear about how many oil leases they own in Oklahoma.
7. That when Barack Obama said he would cut taxes, he really meant that he really said he would raise them. And all of the other statement has made were made on opposite day, ergo, the opposite is true.
8. That Sarah Palin works with her hands and her nose. Seriously.
9. "Drill, baby, drill" will fix everything!
10. Terror!
11. That there were cars when he was 5 years old. Wow! He isn't as old as I thought!
12. That there is a room of fools in Minnesota that believe Republicans go to Washington for "the people" and not for themselves.
13. He was a POW.
14. Because he was a POW he can truly love this country. I guess the rest of us don't unless love it unless we do the things from his pre-approved list of things that show you love this country.
15. His speech made my dog Shirley use her really loud nervous bark for about the last fifteen minutes of his speech. I think I have partial hearing loss now.
16. And that he can tell a lot of lies over the course of 50 minutes.

And I loved it when Andrea Mitchell got caught in the balloon drop from hell! Keith Olbermann called it the political equivalent of a Chucky Cheese. Tom Brokaw called her Andrea "Boom Boom" Mitchell. Awesome.

McCain and Pineapple

Occasionally, I like to obsess about how many people are not finding my blog on the internet. I admit that I have a fantasy that one day my blog will be widely read and much loved by my fans and much hated by my detractors. Without fail, I find that people do some strange searches that lead them to my blog. But certainly not enough to fulfill my fantasy of internet popularity. While it makes perfect sense that a search for "McCain & pineapple" would lead here, it doesn't explain why that was Googled to begin with. I would love to believe that there is some fantastic word of mouth thing going on where something like this happens:

hip & super smart blog reader says, "hey have you heard about the pineapple report?"

friend of hip & super smart blog reader says," no. what's that all about?"

hip & super smart blog reader says, "it is a way cool blog written by this super smart pineapple. she's always making fun of John McCain and it is hilarious! you should check it out."

friend of hip & super smart blog reader says,"I am so going to read that blog when I get home!"

of course by the time friend of hip & super smart blog reader gets home they are all like, "shit! what was the name of that cool blog I heard about today?" and then the aforementioned episode on Google ensues.

Obviously, the people that would read my blog don't have iPhones or this could never happen this way.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

So Who Wears More Make Up...

Rudy Giuliani or Candy McCain? I bet if I had a high definition TV I could see the make up on his collar. And how many times did he use the word "terror"? And does he know any other words?

But speaking of Candy McCain. And the Palin family. And what a hypocrite looks like. What was up with the pass the special needs baby thing that was going on? It is like that baby is some trophy to be used to make them look good. Candy McCain can hold that baby all day long, but I am still not convinced that she is human. I really think she is a robot. And poor Pregnant Teen Palin and her baby daddy. He looked like he wanted to die. And why wouldn't he? The media has been discussing his myspace page on national TV (he said he doesn't want kids -- oops!). And they dressed Bristol up in the most unflattering dress. Was that her punishment for getting knocked up?

But the real loser of the night? Sarah Palin. She did nothing to bolster her position as a viable vice presidential candidate. She spent more time telling lie after lie about her "opponent" than telling the country who she is. But why would she want to? She doesn't want us to know that she is full of shit and the Republicans are trying to sell us lies.* It makes me sick that people don't see or dont' care that we have been lied to for eight years and she is letting us know that if they are elected we can look four more years of this bullshit. And I was so unimpressed that she gave a canned speech prepared by Mayor McCheese's speech writer before he had picked a candidate.

*Wonder what I'm referring to? Well, just when I think I've listed all the things you need to know about Sarah Palin, I find more. Makes you wonder how McCain's people wer able to fully vet her in under 24 hours...

The Return of An Old Friend

Glee. That is the emotion I felt yesterday when I read the story. And I would have written about it sooner, but I had more important things to do (hang out with my girlfriends and watch the return of Brenda Walsh -- it was awesome by the way). My buddy Alberto was back in the news yesterday because a true muse never really goes away. So not only did he violate the Constitution by illegally firing those lawyers (not to mention the obscene hiring filters), but it turns out Al was taking super top secret papers home at night in his briefcase. And he didn't even lock them up in the safe he had at home because he couldn't remember the combination. And when these papers were at work, he kept them in the safe in his office not in the super special top secret paper place where they belonged. Bad, Alberto, bad!

But the most hilarious part of the story was in the article I read on The quote reads, "[r]esponding, Gonzales' attorneys say the former attorney general did not mishandle the classified data on purpose. Rather, he apparently was forgetful or unaware of the proper way to handle the top secret papers."

Well, that makes it alright. So, since he didn't really mean to do it (or he was just too stupid to realize that you don't just leave super top secret papers laying around in a briefcase), they are declining prosecution. Again. What a lucky bastard.