Thursday, September 04, 2008

Mayor McCheese's Big Night Out!

Terror! War! Only Mayor McCheese can keep you safe from attacks that happened seven years ago. Or so say the Republicans through their "9/11 Tribute" and a not so rousing speech from Tom Ridge. Frankly, I don't even remember what he said. We were also treated to a cheesy video montage that had a not so subliminal message that Sarah Palin is a maverick. I think they used that word 68,546 times. Also, they played background music that sounded an awful like a bad version of the theme song from Dallas.

I absolutely loved the video introducing Candy McCain. Up until this point I thought she was a robot or possibly an alien. My theory changes from day to day. But that video changed my mind. She is definitely a robot because aliens don't do the Tokyo Drift. And Cindy McCain can do the Tokyo Drift. After the video, she came on and said, "blah, blah, I can't read a teleprompter, blah, blah, blah. I do not tell clever jokes, blah, blah, blah." Honestly, after you learn she is a robot that does the Tokyo Drift what else do you need to know?

Did you know that John McCain was a POW in Vietnam? I learned that from the video about him. And then, when they started talking about his political career they started playing the pretend Dallas theme song. And do you know what else I learned today?

1. Mayor McCheese has been practicing his town hall style speech for six weeks. I didn't know they used teleprompters in town hall speeches. How folksy!
2. I also learned that "ignore the ground noise and static" is code for get that fucking protester that broke into the convention out of here.
3. He is going to take back Washington. Huh? From the Republican that is already living in the White House. And since he has been shirking his job responsibilities by not showing up to vote, I wonder if he remembers the way. And does he know if he has a home there?
4. Mayor McCheese has been called a maverick. That means he understands that he works for the owner of the NY Jets, I mean the people.
5. Seven years after a group of people that could have been stopped by a Republican administration attacked a building in NYC, we are still in immediate danger and that is why we need to win a war that was started on false pretenses.
6. He claims to know regular people and he claims to know just what it is like to live the life of a regular person. That's because we all own seven pieces of property and all of our fathers are unclear about how many oil leases they own in Oklahoma.
7. That when Barack Obama said he would cut taxes, he really meant that he really said he would raise them. And all of the other statement has made were made on opposite day, ergo, the opposite is true.
8. That Sarah Palin works with her hands and her nose. Seriously.
9. "Drill, baby, drill" will fix everything!
10. Terror!
11. That there were cars when he was 5 years old. Wow! He isn't as old as I thought!
12. That there is a room of fools in Minnesota that believe Republicans go to Washington for "the people" and not for themselves.
13. He was a POW.
14. Because he was a POW he can truly love this country. I guess the rest of us don't unless love it unless we do the things from his pre-approved list of things that show you love this country.
15. His speech made my dog Shirley use her really loud nervous bark for about the last fifteen minutes of his speech. I think I have partial hearing loss now.
16. And that he can tell a lot of lies over the course of 50 minutes.

And I loved it when Andrea Mitchell got caught in the balloon drop from hell! Keith Olbermann called it the political equivalent of a Chucky Cheese. Tom Brokaw called her Andrea "Boom Boom" Mitchell. Awesome.


Nervana said...

i am TOTALLy impressed that you have been able to watch the Republican debacle. i've tried, but my vomiting is too distracting, so i have to switch back to just watching Chain Saw Murderer .......which is not really all that different.

mad said...

All that red meat during RNC nearly made me want to become a tree-huggin vegetarian.

pineapple said...

nervana: it wasn't easy. and I missed the part when he was quoting Bon Jovi's "Living On A Prayer." :(

mad: I hear what you are saying, but the Texan in me just can't do it. I am more than happy to hug those trees as long a I can have a cheeseburger after...