Thursday, September 27, 2007

My Spam Has Reached A New Level of Stupid

Because I have had people offering to sell me things to "upsize" my penis and sending spam with "any bigger and I would be in a circus" in the subject line. First of all, I don't have a penis. But if I did, I don't think that I would want it "upsized" or so big that I would be circus worthy. Also, I do not want any stock tips or porn.


Sunday, September 23, 2007

Pop Culture Overload, Part Two

Happy Autumn!

Since it is the first day of Fall, what better time to start the Fall TV season? Actually, I would have preferred it if the new prime time shows started a couple of weeks ago because since all of the summer shows have ended television has been slim pickings. I have finally watched just about everything I have saved on my DVR. That Burn Notice marathon was super fun. But then again I have always been a sucker for watching a whole season at once. Yes, I am one of those people that records everything and zips through the commercials. If by some chance I start watching something "live" I get frustrated and put it on pause long enough so I can fast forward through the ads (just in case you are wondering that's 20 minutes for an hour long show. See how much time I save?). Yes, I watch A LOT of television and I have it down to a science (or maybe an art? possibly both?) -- I watch even more TV now that I don't have any money to go do anything. Kudos to me because I have managed to limit my daytime TV to an hour or two a day. Mostly this is because I have discovered that there are a lot of shows that are just as bad (and often worse) than the The View. It is just as well because it helps me focus on actually looking for a new job rather than just thinking about finding a new job.

But a Pineapple can only apply for so many jobs before it gets past the ridiculous (like sending my resume to Baby Boy Bush to be considered for that opening as Attorney General. Do you think that raised any red flags or put me on any special lists?), so ample nighttime TV watching is required and encouraged. I think at this point I have established that if TV watching were a profession, I would be at the top of my field. Until I can find someone willing to pay me, this remains my hobby. And if you are worried about what all of this television is doing to my brain, don't. I also read a lot of trashy books. Click on that GoodReads box in the sidebar (to the left) and see for yourself.

As a pop culture maven/TV addict, I can can give you a quick rundown of what you might want to try out this week. If you like serious dramas and crime shows (like the 5000 versions of CSI) then forget this helpful guide. I don't watch that crap. I like a nice mixture of un-reality, comedy, campy soaps, and alien/demon hunting.

If you like cartoons (I mean animation) or scrawny ladies causing trouble; then you are in luck. I never could get into Desperate Housewives or Brothers & Sisters even though people keep telling me these shows are "so good." I thought they were "so boring." For the most part, the shows on HBO are far superior to network TV on Sunday night. I can always watch The Simpsons and all of that animated stuff if it isn't. Sunday night is also a good time to catch up on the shows I couldn't quite get to during the week.

I have always been a sucker for Dancing With The Stars, I guess I have a slight reality TV addiction. And with this season's train wreck of a cast it is shaping up to be pretty good this time. This addiction to reality TV will not carry over to the show that follows --The Bachelor. I like competition type shows and not the dating ones so much. Besides with this season's bachelor being from Austin, I will already be subjected to more of this show than I want. As best I can tell, the guys on this show have to pick from a pool of stupid women and this new bachelor owns three bars. If he can't find a stupid woman to date on his own, he is beyond help. Also, on Mondays you have a variety of dramas and sitcoms. I'm thinking Chuck will be pretty silly and fun. I love secret agent nerds!

I've got the results show for Dancing With The Stars (which I can watch in a few minutes because let's face it, I'm really only interested in the actual results). I will continue on recording ABC because I am addicted to Boston Legal. Yay! A soapy dramadey! Frankly, The Practice didn't do much for me and their abilities as lawyers pretty much sucked. Not one time did any lawyer on this show properly preserve their objections for an appeal (you have to tell the judge why you are objecting). That and Lara Flynn Boyle's huge head stuck on her stick of a body really freaked me out. Eat something! Boston Legal is beyond ridiculous so their lack of lawyering skills don't bother me so much. Also on Tuesday night, I am very much looking forward to Reaper. Either it is going to be really funny or really bad. But I like the premise that this guy's parents sold his soul and now he has to work for death (while he still works at the mega-discount store with his dumb co-workers/inept sidekicks). Other good shows on Tuesday are Bones and Eureka. Bones is as close to a crime show as I'm going to get. They solve crimes, but they are funny while they are doing it.

Everything comes on at 8:00 (Central) on Wednesday. I know people are always telling you when things are on in "Eastern" time, but I live in the Central timezone. Get over it and learn to count the timezones. Luckily, one of my guilty pleasures, Hotel Babylon on BBC America, is played more than once so I can record it later. This leaves a decision between Private Practice, Gossip Girl, Kitchen Nightmares, and Bionic Woman. I do not watch crime shows so Criminal Minds is not an option. Previously, I wouldn't even have thought of Gossip Girl as a choice. Unfortunately they premiered a week early and I didn't have anything better to do. I admit it, this show was super trashy and I loved it. It made the trashy antics of it's predecessors (like 90210 and The O.C.) look like cheap imitations. And the clothes they wear on Gossip Girl cost more than what I would spend on a car. How can I resist this kind of garbage? I also watched Kitchen Nightmares when it premiered last week. The British variety of Chef Ramsey chewing out stupid chefs is much more entertaining than the American version. As a general rule, the British version of a show is going to be better than the American version. I've also ruled out the new Bionic Woman because how can anyone replace Lindsay Wagner? She is the only Jaime Sommers for me. That, and I still remember The Bionic Girl starring Sandra Bullock. Crap, pure crap. This idea is just as dumb as the notion that Halle Berry could play a better Catwoman than Eartha Kitt. Enough with the remakes already! I am going to try out Dirty Sexy Money after my 8 o'clock pile up. This is based on the name of the show alone. Just so you know, I also judge books by their covers. It may be superficial but works for me.

As I have discussed before, Survivor sucks. I know they are all excited that it was filmed in China, but you can starve a bunch of stupid assholes anywhere in the world and they would still be a bunch of stupid assholes. I suggest getting your funny on with Ugly Betty and My Name is Earl. I don't watch The Office (see above about how British versions are better), but people seem to like it. I like to watch Supernatural instead. It is funny and they hunt demons. If you want something that is night-soapy with a side of humor, then Grey's Anatomy is good. Even though they use "Mc" way too much. I am McOver people calling other people McDreamy and McSteamy. If you enjoy the hospital drama you can continue on with ER.

Looking for something fun to watch? How about Flash Gordon on SciFi? I have only watched the first couple of episodes (yay! a marathon!), but once they finally finished all the character development crap, it got pretty funny. And you really can't have high expectations on a Friday night. I am not interested in people talking to ghosts, military dramas or really any kind of drama on a Friday night. I am at home because I have nothing better to do (or any money). I do not want to see people struggling with their lives because I don't have to watch TV to see that. Make me laugh, damn it!

There is even stuff to watch on Saturdays. Once you have finished your Saturday college football bonanza, it is "Supernatural Saturday" on BBC America. Torchwood is a spin-off of Doctor Who where Jack Harkness and a bunch of socially inept folks hunt down aliens, demons, and stuff. Also, Saturday is premiere night on HBO and Cinemax if you are in the mood for a movie. Its like date night without the high price of a new movie.

Enjoy wasting your life away in front of the TV! I do!

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Pop Culture Overload, Part One

Let's face it, I would much rather spend my time filling my brain with useless crap and escaping into trashy television rather than enriching my mind. Occasionally I find myself checking out some pseudo-intellectual type book along with the usual garbage I like to read, but it just gets shifted to the bottom of my book stack until it is time to take it all back to the library. Oh well. I tried. That is not the point of all of this. I have decided to save you all some time and tell you what useless information I discovered this morning (and I'll throw in my opinions for free!). Just a side note here, I had to do something to wash out the memory of MOTL's adventure in television for women (read post below). And just for those wondering, when I confronted MOTL about this he first told me that he was sleeping and not watching it. See, we think alike! But when I pointed out that he was the one that chose the channel, he admitted that he actually finds himself watching things on Lifetime and WE often. And I'm so nice, I am letting the users wild, wild web know about his guilty pleasure. Now on to my pop culture update...

First, if you are famous just stop driving now. Celebrities seem to lose all ability to drive (that is assuming that they ever could drive to begin with). You have the money, so just pay someone to drive you already. Honestly, how many famous people have you heard about that are too stupid to call a cab, have driven their expensive cars into inanimate objects and the like? That's right, Ms. Crybaby McSpears, I'm talking about you. What a fucking brilliant idea. Get really famous, do lots of stupid things that inspire even more people with cameras to follow you around, hit some over-priced car with your over-priced car and not do anything about it! Of course, the owner of the first over-priced car is going to know who the hell did it (hello! cameras everywhere!) and when famous driver of said second over-priced car doesn't do a damn thing about fixing the damage (no matter how small it really was), pissed off victim will file a police report. No police report = no insurance money. Viola! You've been charged with two misdemeanor counts, hit-and-run causing property damage and driving without a valid California license.

This whole example of stupidity really makes me believe that I could make a lot of money helping celebrities make better decisions. When I heard that Owen Wilson hired a sober buddy to keep him clean, I thought, "hey! I could do that!" Well, yeah, I could do that but... as much as I like to boss people around I do not want to spend my time with people pissed off because they are sober. How un-fun is that? Then I thought if I'm going to boss people around, why limit it to "don't drink that!"? The Britneys of the world need someone to tell them that it is stupid to drink a lot before you go to work (VMAs anyone?) and that no matter how white trash you really are, you still need to strap that baby into a car seat. Celebrities can put me on a fat retainer and when they have a decision to make they call me and I tell them what to do. But anyway, back to your pop culture overload.

No discussion about pop culture would be complete without mentioning that next week is premiere week. In a gamble to get ahead in the ratings game a few shows jumped the gun and premiered this week instead. Survivor was one of them. Good God. Could that show have been any more boring??? Honestly, I don't watch Survivor simply because I would much rather watch Ugly Betty and My Name Is Earl. Because of the my-DVR-can-only-record-two-shows-at-a-time dilemma, I gave up that trash for better trash. I now know that I have made the right choice. I do not want to spend my time watching some bitchy waitress from New York talk about how much better she is than all of the other people she is stuck with. Last time I checked, waitress is not a job many people aspire to as their top goal in life. Get over yourself, snob. And I certainly do not want to watch some intolerant Christian that can't stay in a Buddhist temple for more than two minutes because she just can't deal with the idolatry of a ceremony whose sole purpose was to welcome these assholes to China. It was the top rated show, but then again it was up against reruns. I turned it off.

More to come...

This Morning's Disturbing Discovery

I was reading a book this morning (yay! lazy Saturday morning!), but I was distracted by the awful music coming from the television in the other room. I decided it was time to eat breakfast anyway, so I got up to see what awful thing My One True Love (MOTL) was watching. I was not prepared for what I found. I walk in the living room and find him sleeping sitting up with Diana Ross singing her heart out on the Lifetime Channel. My first thought was, "well at least he isn't watching this crap." Then it dawned on me they he actively decided to watch something on the Lifetime Channel. Just who am I living with?

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Is He A Lame Duck?

The short answer is yes when the "best" way to show off your power is to threaten to cut off children from getting health care. But really the best way to descibe Baby Boy Bush is lame fuck(er). Apparently Baby Boy Bush doesn't want Congress to strong arm him into insuring too many kids. Because Congress has decided that more kids should have access to health care than he would like, Baby Boy Bush has decided to threaten them with a veto. Since federal funding for CHIP is going to expire in 10 days, that would fix them kids real good. Damn those children that think they are entitled to health care! Now there is a great way to get some popularity votes with the public -- fuck over poor children. I guess this would be an ideal time for the Republicans to listen to Newt Gingrich and distance themselves from the president and his stupid policies. Who ever thought the day would come when we would miss the prudish John Ashcroft and Newt Gingrich would be a voice of reason? Could this be one of the seven signs? The end must be near. My advice to you is to stock up on canned goods and bottled water.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Damn that eBay!

I was seriously considering buying Belgium until they stopped the sale. The bidding was up to 10 million euros, but considering it was for an entire country it seemed like a deal to me (even with the national debt and the expenses of supporting the king and his court). I had plans for that place. For one thing, I would go there. I rode on a train through Belgium once, but after you buy a country it is probably a good idea to go take a look around. Then I was going to kick out the king and take my rightful place as Pineapple Princess. That would take care of that expense because I was willing to do the job for room and board and maybe a few new outfits (a princess needs to dress the part, right?). I'm not really sure what I was going to do about the 300 billion in national debt, but I wasn't too worried about it. Massive debt doesn't stop this country from spending money we don't have on stuff we don't need. So really, that problem was solved by pretending it wasn't a problem. But now that eBay has stopped the sale of Belgium my poorly thought out plan was all for nothing.


Friday, September 14, 2007

My Dogs Do Not Approve of The War In Iraq

I read that Baby Boy Bush's approval rating has gone up. Well, my dogs did not have anything to do with that. This evening when W came on the TV, they jumped up from their nap, Laverne walked over to the TV and growled. Then Laverne and Shirley ran to the back door to be let out. Obviously, they know lies when they hear them. They could not get out of the house fast enough. It was definitely a missed video moment.

But I did take a video of Laverne, Shirley, and Astro chasing a frog so you can watch that instead...

Tuesday, September 11, 2007


That's what they are saying about Britney Spears now. She was too fat to be wearing that fancy underwear in public. It looks like after a dumb marriage, two kids, and lots of partying, Britney is a size 4 instead of a size 0. Well, no wonder they are saying she is FAT. A size 4 is HUGE!!! How dare someone that size show off her body. It just makes the rest of us want to puke to see all of the rolls of fat that Britney is sporting around her middle. Gross! I mean you can hardly see any of her ribs poking through her skin! That just disgusts me to see someone so fat just showing it off like that. One might think she is comfortable with her body looking like that. I mean a healthy looking body with curves and muscles is so nasty. We all prefer to see half naked bodies that are all scrawny with bones poking out all over the place.

Attn: Time is Running Out

If you purchased the BAR/BRI course anytime from August, 1997 through July 31, 2006, then they owe you some money. You only have until September 17th to file your claim. If you go to:, you can download the claim form to get your money. You need to know how much you paid for your course. Don't worry, I didn't. I called the handy dandy number (1-888-285-7850) and they told me. It only took a few minutes. A few minutes work for a few hundred dollars. Seems worth it to me. And for those of you that don't feel like you need a few hundred dollars, there is an option to donate your settlement share.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Authority, Technorati Style

I was reading Evil Spock's blog, The Needs of The Few, and saw this:

Technorati sucks,
Authority is dropping.
Make me more famous!

Well, that got me to thinking again about this whole concept of "authority" that Technorati has forced on bloggers. If someone links to your blog, you get more of this "authority", just like if you link to blog that gives them some of this "authority". But this authority only lasts for six months. I guess they don't want all of that power going to your head. So, if millions of people link to your blog you have lots of authority, but six months later all of this authority is gone even if the links still exist? Technorati's advice to you is to periodically link to popular blogs in hopes that they will link back to you again and again. But this false authority created by Technorati only applies to blogs. So if CNN links to your blog, it doesn't give you any more authority. So, some random blogger has more authority than CNN. Well, maybe that isn't such a stretch. BUT the fact that any authority I give out only lasts for six months is crap. I have much more authority than that.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

It is not just an opinion anymore

Now there are doctors and science backing up my belief that it is bad to get up too early in the morning. Researchers in Kyoto, Japan revealed a link between wake-up times and a person's cardiovascular condition. "Rising early to go to work or exercise might not be beneficial to health, but rather a risk for vascular diseases," said an abstract of the study. Of course, the people getting up early were also on average older than the people that were not early risers...

But this loosey-goosey science is good enough for me. So, now will someone please tell my dogs to stop waking me up so early in the morning? Who is going to feed them after my early morning induced heart attack?

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

One More Reason Why The View Sucks

Just for the record, I can't count the reasons that come before this particular reason. This is because there are just too many to count. For one thing, who wants to listen to a bunch of whiny bitches complain for an hour? Today the reason for The View sucking more than usual is Whoopi Goldberg. On her first day on the job, she decided that it would be a good idea to defend Michael Vick. I don't care how many days you've been working, there is never a good day to do this. According to her, he can't help it because dog fighting is part of his culture. This is because he is from The South and dog fighting is not unusual in The South. Well, I guess everyone from The South is a hillbilly, toothless, yokel that likes a good dog fight on the weekends. Didn't you know that we all fight our dogs and marry our cousins? This kind of thought pattern makes her a stupid Yankee. Last time I checked, dog fighting was a felony in every state in the United States. This in itself is argument that it is not part of our culture and it is not an accepted form of entertainment-- even in The South. Of course, on her second day at work she claimed she was not defending Michael Vick. Well, she sure is making some ridiculous excuses for him and his inexcusable, criminal behavior. Just when I thought I would never watch The View, I was just handed one more good reason to keep tuning out.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Chupacabra vs. Jesus

Who is the reigning King of Cuero now?

When I took this picture in September 2006, Jesus was still King of Cuero. But now that may not be so true. Phylis Canion, of Cuero, has found what she believes to be the Chupacabra. The Chupacabra, which is Spanish for "goat sucker", is a creature that attacks and sucks the blood out of livestock (especially goats and chickens). Well, Ms. Canion has been having a dead chicken problem lately. What has been so unusual about her problem is that something has been draining the blood out of her chickens.

Well, recently she found the dead body of a hairless, doglike creature on her ranch. She froze the creature and had its DNA tested to see if it was, in fact, the Chupacabra. I don't know if she found the Chupacabra or not, but I really want one of the T-shirts. I guess I'll have to make a trip down to Cuero to get one of these: