Tuesday, December 27, 2005

jesus and other urban legends

So, I had to go back to Hallettsville today to do more work at the courthouse and this time I parked on the other side of the building. They still have the music about the baby jesus piping out of the courthouse tower, but today I saw the sign telling me where candy canes come from. Not only does Lavaca County violate the first amendment with all of their religion, but they also propagate urban legends about the story of candy canes and the 12 days of Christmas.

Friday, December 23, 2005

I'll have Mary with a side of veil

OK, so those fools can try to explain it away all they want, but how can you not know what a condom looks like even if you don't believe in them? And since when was Mary having a veil of latex a devoutly religious type of thing? Hello! Editors! Didn't they teach you how to read at Catholic school? They sure didn't teach you common sense because they teach you that birth control is evil.

Of course, I still can't believe that the Catholics still outlaw the use of condoms even to fight the spread of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. God wants you to get sick and, while you're at it, please get everyone else sick too! Maybe the condom ban is like a built in membership thing. You have a bunch of followers and then you disallow contraception so they breed more followers. Why recruit new members when your followers can make new ones for you?

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

google me

So if you google "goliath exist" or "MySpace Sucks" my blog is the first hit. What a odd way to find a pineapple...

burn, barbie, burn

I remember my Barbie dolls. Cutting her hair, piercing her ears with straight pins, and sending down the river I made in the back yard. Oh, the sweet memories! Now it seems like the British are suprised that little English girls are destroying their Barbie dolls. Let's face it, Barbie is kind of boring unless you decapitate her and cook her in the microwave. All she can do is change clothes and drive her dream car and play in the dream pool at her Malibu dream house. Although, I did have the perfume factory and I really enjoyed mixing up smelly concoctions. But overall, Barbie isn't fun unless you make her look ugly. I read once that if Barbie were life sized, she would be over seven feet tall and her feet would be so small that she couldn't even stand up. How can you show off your hideous pink fashions if you can't make it down the runway without falling on your tits?

Saturday, December 17, 2005

operation just say merry christmas

I'm glad that some one is fighting the enemies of Christmas by selling cheap rubber bracelets! What makes them even better is that I've seen people on TV wearing them as armbands. Remind you of anything??? So, you better hurry and order your nazi christmas armband ! Christmas is almost here. And don't you dare wish anyone Happy Holidays because that's just rude.

can it be true?

OK. what I'm really thinking is HOLY SHIT! Because I can't believe that the Senate blocked the Patriot Act . Can they really be thinking of my civil liberties? I find that doubtful, but I'll take what I can get. Personally, I like my civil liberties just fine and it is not the government's business what kind of trashy novels I check out from the library.

Friday, December 16, 2005

winning the war on christmas

It may seem like I am a little obsessed about the media-made war on Christmas. Well, first I'd like to thank that gas bag Bill O'Reilly for getting this all started. I have an addiction. I am obsessed.

So, there are some people winning the war on Christmas. We can just skip over the fact that they are waging war on the Constitution. But Jesus would want that. I went to Halletsville earlier this week and discovered that they never got the memo about the separation of Church and State or that there is a war on Christmas. When I got out of the car I was greeted with the soothing sounds of songs about the baby Jesus being piped from the tower of the courthouse. Ba rump ba bump bum. Then I see the best Christmas decoration ever -- a tribute to the Twelve Days of Christmas. As the sign reminded me that the song is based on the Christian faith, I knew that Halletsville had won the war on Christmas.

Another soldier winning the war is BJ Sintay. You can control his Christmas lights from your own home. This is really good for those of us too lazy, too busy, or just too cheap to put up our own. Now we can get the Christmas spirit by messing with someone else's lights. Wheee!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

so that's why she's smiling

So the Dutch have figured out why the Mona Lisa smiles. Apparently she is 83% happy. It makes me wonder what percentage of happiness I am. And what percentile do my other emotions fall under? Perhaps I need to eat some hash brownies to figure out what the hell they are talking about. And if I did, would that change my percentage of happiness?

Enkel maakt het denken over knoeiboel brownies me het Nederlands willen spreken. Natuurlijk, leerde ik slechts hoe te over moorden in de bibliotheek te spreken. Waar zijn mijn sleutels?

please stop taunting us!

Iran, your leaders just need to shut up. Please stop talking about the myth of the Jews' massacre . First of all, that's just crazy. It is proven fact that millions of Jews, gypsies, disabled and retarded people, and other "undesirables" were tortured, starved and murdered. Second, our president thinks you are crazy. And that's bad. Very bad. That's how you have a war waged against you. All we need now is some bad intelligence about your nuclear program and then its on. So, Iran, please stop taunting our war monger of a president.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

thanks to tres chicas!

If you haven't been to the tres chicas blog, you should go. When Lauri isn't busy with exams, she is a real laugh riot. I'm also liking the new thrid chica. Hopefully she can break the curse. And since they put a link to my blog, my readership has grown significantly (of course, it is the average of 1 person a day to 4 but whatever).

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Santa Cookies

Santa Cookies


1 cup of water

1 tsp baking soda

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp salt

1 cup of brown sugar

lemon juice

4 large eggs

1 cup nuts

2 cups of dried fruit

1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila


Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup
just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit
gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.
Check the Jose Cuervo.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make
sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS

the war on christmas continues

Now they are stealing Christmas trees! Will the war ever end?

Monday, December 12, 2005

I am so ready for the water to come back

So, when I returned from my tour of duty (the trip to Shithole, Texas and other fine places) I came home to an empty and very cold house. Frankly, I expected to come home to a warm house and I was going to eat some decent food and take a long hot bath to get rid of that motel smell. Instead, it was filthy and cold. So, I'm waiting and waiting for the house to warm up to a bearable temperature (it was a toasty 25 degrees in the house when I returned) so that I can clean the house and follow my plan and then I hear it. There is a fucking waterfall under my kitchen. Luckily, my sweetheart's dad could come over and turn off my water. My sweetheart, on the otherhand, has dropped off the face of the fucking planet. Don't worry he finally showed up and is very sorry. This drama happened on Thursday. It is now Monday and I have yet to hear from my landlord. So, like I said, I am so ready for the water to come back.

Friday, December 09, 2005

the war on christmas

Not that I am religious or anything, but isn't Christmas a war on Jesus? Since when do pagan rituals like Christmas trees and mistletoe honor the birth of Jesus our lord and savior? I don't remember anything about a Christmas tree adorned in tinsel and lights being in that manger. I must have skimmed over that part of the Bible. And something tells me that God really doesn't want you to max out your credit cards to buy a bunch useless crap at the Wal-mart. But then again, my relationship with God has never made it to that level of intimacy. I guess that's why I find this whole "War on Christmas" campaign by the bible thumpers hilarious. Apparently, it is with sin that we tell others "Happy Holidays."

This is just plain stupid. For one thing New Year's Day is a holiday that is not called Christmas, so usually when I talk about more than one thing I use the plural of the word. Should I wish people Merry Christmases? I don't think so. And if I am talking to a Jewish friend, why the fuck would I wish them Merry Christmas when they celebrate Hanakuh. Can't I wish them "Happy Holidays" instead of saying Merry Hanakuh and a Happy New Year? Do you even wish someone a Merry Hanakuh? Is it Happy Hanakuh? Or Have a Super-Fabulous Festival of Lights? Even our stupid, bible thumping president is in the dog house with these fanatics. They are up in arms that their holy leader sent out cards that say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. And speaking of dogs... What they should be horrified by is the ridiculous Christmas video he made with his dogs. "A Very Beazley Christmas" is the worst home video I have ever seen. I wonder how much that piece of shit cost the taxpayers of America. Please go here to watch this piece of crap on the Barney Cam.

So, I wish my readers a Very Happy (enter your Holiday of choice here)!!!

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Its been 25 years to the day

since John Lennon was shot and killed in front of his apartment building. The thing I remember the most about that day is that my best friend didn't come to school because her mother was too upset to drive.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

what's up with those wacky germans?

So first I read about this German guy with really dirty teeth . I mean why else would you need to steal 39 tubes of toothpaste? Does anybody even have a medicine cabinet that would hold that much toothpaste?

Then there was this drunk that fell asleep in the dumpster. He would have been killed by the garbage truck's hydraulic press but the truck driver needed to stop for a pee .

Of course there is the "ostalgie" that went too far. I suppose it is in bad taste to name a shower gel after Erich Honecker, but I think I want some.

But it gets even worse. This German guy got fined for biting a waitress on the toe . Usually when I get a shitty waitress I give her a shitty tip. Or sometimes a note that starts with the line "here's a tip..."

today's word is

Shangri-la \shang-grih-LAH\ noun

1 : a remote beautiful imaginary place where life approaches perfection : utopia
2 : a remote usually idyllic hideaway

This is the opposite of where I am today. Shithole, Texas is no Snagri-la. I'm off to other small towns today, I just hope my next motel experience is better than the one I had here...

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

what kind of bug is it?

So, I'm sitting in my motel room in Shithole, Texas talking to my mom on the phone when I see a wasp buzzing around my room. I tried to usher it out into the chilly night air, but it just wont cooperate. Then I see wasp number 2. Its just a fact of life, there are wasps in Texas and a whole mess of them at that. I get off the phone with mom and call down to the front desk. The woman tells me that it is not a wasp but a lady bug. I like lady bugs. I do not like wasps -- and more importantly, I know the fucking difference between the two. In no uncertain terms I conveyenced this same message to the lady at the front desk. Because this is a do it yourself kinda joint I have just killed wasp 1 and wasp 2. Of course now my room smells like fucking bug spray, but at least I wont be attacked in the middle of the night by creepy, stinging insect.

this would not happen in my part of town

but, then again, I don't live in Oslo. Let's say this happened in the United States. It could be in a big city or in the back woods. If the pizza guy delivered a pizza and you tried to his credit card you would get an instant ass kicking.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

the word of the day is...

malversation \mal-ver-SAY-shun\ noun

1 : misbehavior and especially corruption in an office, trust, or commission
2 : corrupt administration

I think the folks at merriam-webster might have a sense of humor...

Friday, December 02, 2005

today is just a little bit odd

So, this truly superb con artist convinced the courts in Canada to let him off because he has sexsomnia . Pa-lease! "I was asleep" is just a stupid of an excuse as "it just fell in there." Frankly, this woman was sexually assaulted, whether or not this jerk off was "asleep". Put the fucker in jail.

And in other Canadian news, they impounded a car with an 85 year old man still inside . Why he didn't drive away before they could give him a parking ticket is a bit of a mystery...

But something that doesn't really have anything to do with Canada, we can all be thankful that after a two month stay in France Emily the Cat is finally home.

Thankfully, we don't have to read books with bad sex scenes. This year Giles Coren won the award for bad sex in fiction for comparing a penis to a shower. wtf?

And to top off the odd news for the day (well, all I can stand for now) is that Koko the gorilla has a nipple fetish. Naturally, gorillas require that you bare your breast to them. But really the bigger question would be, why did they teach Koko to ask people to show her their nipples?

1000 executions? Let's party!

North Carolina has the bragging rights to being the fine state that carried out the 1000th execution . Frankly, I'm surprised it wasn't Texas since we are so fond of strapping our prisoners to that chair. But what can you do? There's always the bragging rights to number 2000. And that just makes more sense since everything is bigger in Texas. Hell, why stop there? We always have 10,000 to look forward to. So, to celebrate I think everyone should lick their finger and stick it in a socket. Bzzzzzz!

Why shouldn't Shane Stant be a navy seal?

I mean, he already knows how to bust a knee cap. If they let him join, he can save the taxpayers some money on training. He really just needs some lessons on stealth because he wasn't so stealthy when he took out Nancy Kerrigan's knee.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

taking bribes is outrageous...

... but awarding billions of dollars in no bid contracts to Halliburton isn't. Today, W "verbally slapped" Rep. Randy "Duke" Cunningham for taking bribes. So, when is he going to verbally slap some of those other sleazy, scandal ridden republicans (i.e. Scooter, Frist, DeLay, et al)? All of this scandal and wrong doing is more "outrageous" than Clinton's 40 million dollar blow job (at least that is the amount of money I recall all of the special investigations costing, it may have been more). I guess getting blow jobs is a lot more serious than wasting taxpayers money, breaking the law, and being responsible for the death of innocent humans and the destruction of several counties and Louisiana. And it makes me wonder "where the hell are my priorities?" I guess I don't understand ethics at all.

they never hold rallies for me

So, Tom Delay is having rallies to show the world what a swell guy he is. I'm just wondering when my rally is going to be held, I'm swell too and I don't even have any indictments. I have my own problems and it would be really nice to have a cheering section to lift my spirits. Maybe I'll hold a rally tonight so I can tell the world that I too am proud of my record.

Monday, November 21, 2005

harry potter and the goblet of crap

Since I got cable with HBO, I hardly ever go to the movies. I only go to movies I'm really excited about seeing and I wait for the rest to come to me. The last movie I went to was Serenity (it ruled) -- and that was months ago. I will admit that I am a Harry Potter junky. I love those books so much that I abandoned my intense fear of reading aloud to read all six books to my sweetheart (because I read ahead I have read all of those books 3 times). So, on Saturday I took my dad to see the Goblet of Crap for his birthday. Thankfully, he hasn't read any of the books so he liked it. If you have read the book, don't bother with the movie. Monkeys could done a better job. I know that book was really long, but they managed to cram those Lord of the Ring books into movies without getting rid of too much stuff. My mom, sweetheart and I were really disappointed. Where the hell were the Veela? What about Rita Skeeter? And, christ, where the hell were Dobby, Winky, Mrs. Weasley and Bill? And that maze was just stupid. No blast ended skrewts or sphinx? Lame. Don't waste your seven dollars, it will be a two and a half hours of your life you will never get back.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

toe jam

I'm so glad this didn't happen to me! There's nothing like a freak with a good ole foot fetish to get you going in the middle of the night.

Monday, November 14, 2005

I need a translator!

Did you know that if you tell your fiancĂ©/boyfriend/lover/husband/etc. not to leave his beer cans in the sink that it actually means: "honey, do not pour any old beer out. Just leave your cans all over the kitchen counter, the coffee table, the front porch, your office and anywhere else that strikes your fancy.” I didn't either, but this morning the love of my life informed me of this.

The night before last I got fed up with the above said cans that were on the kitchen counter (just a foot away from where I put the recycling) so without ceremony, I threw them all out the back door. Maybe it was childish, but a lot easier than dumping out that last bit of beer that is in every single can before recycling them. So, this morning I mentioned that I threw the cans out the backdoor and that I was tired of him leaving the cans on the counter. This is when I found out that I told him to never pour beer down the sink. I also got a few other hilarious excuses, but this one takes the cake.

When you find out that not leaving cans in the sink is the same as never pouring beer in the sink at all, other things also become clear. I've always wondered why sometimes when men do dishes, there is almost always a knife that is clean on one side but not the other. Sometimes they drop things behind the couch instead of getting up and putting it in the trash. I've seen episodes of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy where the straight guy had old dishes under the couch and garbage under the bed. I guess when you tell a man to put things away you have to be REALLY specific (and look under the furniture occasionally).

This is where the translator comes in. I need someone to take what I say and put in a way that my sweetheart will understand what I'm saying.

Friday, November 11, 2005

and its not even talk like a pirate day

So, I don't know about everybody else, but I have been fascinated by the recent pirate attack on the cruise ship off the coast of Somalia. Really the only time you hear about pirates is on Talk Like a Pirate Day -- Aaargh! Anyway, I didn't really think about the fact that there were really still pirates these days. I'm surprised they aren't called terrorists and immediately thrown into the secret CIA prisons that don't exist... Which kind of leads me to my next point, apparently, there have been a lot of pirate attacks all over the world. After looking at the map (Click Here) I have decided I will not go on any cruises in the Indian Ocean. But remarkably there aren't any reported pirate attacks off of the coast of this country. I have a couple ideas about this. It is possible that our Coast Guard is so good that they can prevent all pirate activity. This I seriously doubt. Drug smugglers and Cubans make it to our shores every day. It is more likely that these attacks are called something else. You know, Guantanamo Bay is a handy dandy vacation spot for those folks that we don't really want to deal with. But what do I know about deceptive government practices?

did goliath exist?

And if so, what does that really mean? So, they found some broken piece of pottery where they want us to believe that Goliath lived. This piece of dried clay has some writing on that happens to say "goliath" on it. So, obviously this is proof that some guy named David killed a giant named Goliath and that God created us in his image and that he did the whole thing in 6 days, right? On that note, after you did that much work in 6 days, you'd want to watch football and nap on the couch on Sunday, too. So, anyway, this pottery dates to 70 years after this David and Goliath were supposed to have lived. What it tells me is that people named their kids Goliath or maybe that Goliath is some really old word. I suppose if I had the "faith" it would really tell me that god does exist and everything in the bible is true. I just can't accept that book "as is". You know when my boyfriend tells and retells a story, it gets grander and funnier everytime. Since this book wasn't really written down when it happened, don't you think the Asia's of the world may have dressed things up with each retelling? Just a theory, but then again god hasn't spoken directly to me either.

let's talk about Elks (and some other things)

So, today is Veterans Day. There will be parades and protests against the war. Our fine president is also going to take advantage of today as well. He plans on using Veterans Day to lash out at Democrats. While I am against the war in Iraq, I am all about supporting our soldiers and our veterans. Today shouldn't be used to justify bad intelligence and whatever else is up that fool's sleeve. Just leave politics out of today's festivities and honor our veterans.


That being said here's something funny that was sent to me this morning:

A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where the books were kept.
Both of his books have been lost.
A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.
The White House tried to call FEMA but there was no answer.


And in other news, I joined the Elks last night. That place rules. You can still smoke in there because it is a private club, they have the cheapest drinks in town (where else can you get call drinks for $2.25?), rockin' burgers on Wednesday night, and a badass pool. Also they do a lot of good charity work and give back to the community. One of the people that joined last night was the sassiest 80 year old I've ever met. She kept me laughing all night. I can't wait to see her again. Tonight is steak and enchilada night (Mmmmmmm!), so I think we will go check that out. Not much into vegetarian dishes are they? But then again, there aren't that many places you can drink in the name of charity.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

my new hero

I have no idea what he stands for politically, but my new hero is Michael Sessions. He was elected mayor of Hillsdale, Michigan at the ripe old age of 18. He took his summer job money to finance his campaign (a whopping $700) going door to door. He registed to vote one day after his 18th birthday and became a write-in candidate the next. After the votes are offically ceritifed, he will become the yougest mayor.

myspace sucks and so does this blog

When I was able to go on myspace I had a built in audience for all of my political and smart ass rantings. But then, I got locked out of my account this week. I missed being able to vent my anger at the world. Once I started this blog (which only 7 people have visted so far) I realized I also missed my smart ass myspace friends, too. I can prattle on about my boring life and why I think the world sucks, but I don't get bulletins from Smackdabbit! telling me about stupid products I didn't know that I really need or links to harass nazis on myspace. I don't have Sonofabitch posting bulletins about how 9/11 was an inside job or the obscene pictures he likes to label as "work safe". Frankly, I have completely given up on myspace. I sent them a fruitless email telling them that I had been locked out of my account, but never got a response. Since then I have taken to sending hate mail to them. Nothing too rude yet, but I expect if I keep it up I can get my account deleted all together.

So long myspace, hello sucky blog!

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Fuck you, Texas!

The election results for Proposition 2 (and most of the others) really suck. I know that I live in a "red" state (more like evil), but how can so many people be proud to come out and say "Yes, I am a bigot because God tells me to!" Its so nice to know that my fellow Texans (except the oasis that is Austin) are more concerned with spreading the hate rather than teaching kids how to read or something useful like that. I am looking forward to the lawsuits in response to this outrageous constitutional amendment. In fact, I'm thinking of filing one myself since this new law basically nullfies marriage in Texas (the "similar or identical to" clause is very problematic). How can I get married if there is no such thing? If there is a judge in Texas with the balls to agree with that, it will be so much fun to watch the bible thumpers squirm when they find out that they are living in sin and that their children born after September are bastards.

Not that anybody's listening...

... or reading this or whatever. I can honestly say, I never thought I would set up a blog. For a long time, I thought blogs were for exhibitionists and weirdoes that wanted to share too much information about their personal lives to the internet "world". Maybe they still are and I've become one of those weirdoes. But that's not really the point if there is one.