I need a translator!

Did you know that if you tell your fiancé/boyfriend/lover/husband/etc. not to leave his beer cans in the sink that it actually means: "honey, do not pour any old beer out. Just leave your cans all over the kitchen counter, the coffee table, the front porch, your office and anywhere else that strikes your fancy.” I didn't either, but this morning the love of my life informed me of this.

The night before last I got fed up with the above said cans that were on the kitchen counter (just a foot away from where I put the recycling) so without ceremony, I threw them all out the back door. Maybe it was childish, but a lot easier than dumping out that last bit of beer that is in every single can before recycling them. So, this morning I mentioned that I threw the cans out the backdoor and that I was tired of him leaving the cans on the counter. This is when I found out that I told him to never pour beer down the sink. I also got a few other hilarious excuses, but this one takes the cake.

When you find out that not leaving cans in the sink is the same as never pouring beer in the sink at all, other things also become clear. I've always wondered why sometimes when men do dishes, there is almost always a knife that is clean on one side but not the other. Sometimes they drop things behind the couch instead of getting up and putting it in the trash. I've seen episodes of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy where the straight guy had old dishes under the couch and garbage under the bed. I guess when you tell a man to put things away you have to be REALLY specific (and look under the furniture occasionally).

This is where the translator comes in. I need someone to take what I say and put in a way that my sweetheart will understand what I'm saying.