Sunday, December 30, 2007

The Year of Pineapple, part 2

*psst! you should read part 1 before you read part 2!

July was full of good times, too. For one thing, I saw dancing storm troopers:

Scooter Libby did not have to go to jail, because criminals shouldn't be going to jail. And someone else paid his fine. Way to narrowly escape your punishment. Unfortunately, Tupac did not come back as a zombie on 07/07/07 like it was widely expected. That was a total bummer. We also discovered that John Mayer has no sense of humor (we already knew that his music sucks). Alberto admitted that he lied. Oh no! Not that! Gwen Verdon made a comeback from the grave and Lindsay Lohan tried to show us that she takes a better mugshot than Paris. As if!

August was a month of ups and downs. The breeders were giving their children stupid names in force (Superman is not a good alternative to 4Real and @ is not a name, people!). The people of the Netherlands smoked way too much pot because they all saw the giant lego man. Karl Rove came back to Texas (good for the world, bad for Texas). We learned that spontaneous combustion is real. Dick Cheney makes a lazy president but a funny effigy. Jenna will never have to drink alone. Republicans and Michael Vick all hate dogs. Prisoners do not like to wear pink (with the exception of Paris Hilton). There is a country called "Suchas". And Alberto resigned (good for the constitution, bad for my blog).

The chupacabra made a comeback in September. The deadline to get my money for BAR/BRI came and went (still no money people!). We found out that Britney is fat (and later we discovered that she is the responsible sister because at least she was married when she got knocked up). We all missed our chance to buy Belgium on eBay and my dogs revealed their hatred of the war in Iraq and the president. They also like to chase frogs.

In October, I reaffirmed that I hate Starbucks and learned that Pumpkin Latte stays with you for hours. I found out that Google is evil and unamerican. But not as evil as the asshats in Congress that think children should not have health insurance. I put my other blog out of it's misery. But on the upside, we did learn that Jesus is good in chocolate. I found a missile base for sale on eBay. If you are wondering, it is still for sale. I found out that I am really old because Eldr magazine thinks I might be interested in subscribing. I also discovered America's Most Smartest Model. Slimy VJ won, but they are casting for the next season. Yeah! Models!

November was a banner pineapple month. Most importantly, I got a kick ass government job. Unfortunately, we found out that the chupacabra was not so much a chupacabra as a mutated coyote. Or it is all a big cover up. While novelists and bloggers (i.e. the unemployed) were writing everyday, the employed writers went on strike. Now that we have run out of TV shows to watch, the reality of this tragedy has really hit home with the couch potatoes among us. King Tut finally showed his face and the Japanese once again proved that they make weird things (hello! chopstick bra!). There were more things on eBay to amaze us. While I don't feel like I missed out on Anne Frank's chestnut, I really feel like I would have made a fabulous mayor of Albert, Texas. That is a tragedy that we all have to live with.

December has been a sad month for you. Mostly because my blogging was been sparse and I had to resort to pineapple porn. I cheapened myself for the benefit of Evil Spock and he didn't even comment. So evil! Hopefully, next year will be full of weird and interesting things that will compel me to blog.

Have a happy 2008!

Saturday, December 29, 2007

The Year of the Pineapple, part 1

So, 2007 was the year of the pineapple. But then again, so will 2008. That's is because pineapples are very self centered about these kinds of things. We are also very much a sarcastic and judgmental lot. But that's what makes us so much fun. That, and we mix with rum so well. As we wrap up the year, it is time to get all sappy and take a look back at 2007. Even though it was the year of the pineapple, it wasn't the best year of the pineapple. For one thing, not everything was about me. This is something that we are all hoping will change in 2008. And that will make for a better year in pineapple. So let's take a look back at some people and things that I found entertaining. That is almost as good as talking about me.

But first let's talk about me. In January, I decided to have a revolution. I decided that getting rid of all of the clutter and paper in my life would make me a better person. But then Fawn Hall never called to get on all that shredding. I guess I'm not that much better because I only got rid of half of the paper junk. Mostly because I found a lot of stuff that I didn't want to deal with. So next year I am asking that Fawn Hall call me. I am more than willing to give her another chance to make me a better person. Let's face it, I am not into that personal growth crap. Why deal with it myself when someone else can?

February wasn't so interesting. Pretty Boy Perry decided to force girls to get the HPV Vaccine and the lege promptly put the kabash on that. He also decided that we need a corridor to cut through our state and random farmland. This basically confirmed that he is a first rate asshole. We also had to think about how astronauts go to the bathroom while they are in space because some loony tune drove from Houston to Florida to live out a bizarre love triangle that existed solely in her head while wearing a diaper. We also discovered that the people of Florida fear the word vagina because nobody has one in that that state.

March was an active month for the Legion of Doom. Nathan Hecht was super busy trying to duck out of his legal bills resulting from tooting Harriet Mier's horn (apparently that 's not all he was tooting). But mostly because my buddy Alberto was busy firing the lawyers at the DOJ that were smarter and more talented. That, and they were actually doing their jobs. Evil bastards. He was also honored by mad with is own haiku.

April saw Alberto continue his downward spiral. And a brief moment of glory for me (that link from CNN was super fun!). Alberto told us that he made an "honest mistake" and then he had to go sit and have a bunch of boring people ask him boring questions that he didn't know the answers to. Good times, people, good times!

There wasn't much to May. It was kind of like a stand alone episode that tells you things that lead to things that are much bigger and better. For instance, May was the month that I became an avid blogger (read unemployed) and Paris was sentenced. Oh, the things to come!

Because June gave us so much. Sad things like the retirement of Bob Barker. Drew Carey is alright but he is no Bob Barker. They found the Lock Ness monster again and even the BBC got all excited about it. Diet Coke got vitamins. Alberto came really close to facing a vote of no confidence. Someone stole the President's watch right off of his arm. And we found out that pants can be worth millions of dollars when they are dry cleaned. We were introduced to the chipmunk:

And we also got the picture of the year!

The first half of 2007 was super fun!

Monday, December 17, 2007

A what? A blog? Never heard of it

Today my supervisor explained to me what a blog is. Really. I think I did a great job of taking in her skewed information without even cracking a smile or making a smartass remark. Could it be that I am growing up? Nah. Now that I think about it, it seems like it was just a temporary case of maturity. No worries, I think I am fully recovered.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Thank You, Writers!

Without your strike, I probably would not be looking forward to the revival of American Gladiators. Or the fact that American Idol will hopefully be like Dateline is to NBC or the thousands of CSI shows are to CBS -- on every night. The last time I saw American Gladiators was when I was in college and most likely drunk. The whole drinking part added to the hilarity of the show. The revival of American Gladiators may call for the revival of the beer bong. If they are going to make me live in the past, I ought to do it right. I also heard that there is some new reality show called When Women Rule the World, where men have to survive an environment ruled by women. This seems beyond stupid. Mostly because they should name this show Lucky Bastard or I'm So Stupid, I'll Do Anything To Be On TV.

For those of you still unwilling to watch shows like Oprah’s Big Give or The Moment of Truth, there are going to be some "real" shows airing. Lost and Medium are finally coming back and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles will begin airing in the new year. Of course, I don't know why you would want to skip a show based on people taking lie detector test. Doesn't that sound super fun? But really, 2008 will be filled will lots of un-reality. So get ready for more Survivor, Power of 10, Big Brother, Deal or No Deal, and a celebrity version of The Apprentice.

Will someone please give the writers what they are asking for? If this list of what we have waiting for us in 2008 is any indicator, the writers deserve to be paid for shows airing on the so-called "new media" and then some. See how much better the "old media" was before the strike and unending airings of shows like Wife Swap and Supernanny? I don't need to watch TV to see people let their children run wild, I could go to a big box store for that. For now, I will have to watch Drew Lachey commentate while Bruno and Carrie Ann have a dance war.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

One of these days

I will actually finish one of the many posts I have started and have never finished. Or maybe not. Maybe I will just start posting half written entries and let my readers finish them. It will be like mad libs, but more boring.