Tuesday, July 24, 2007


I really enjoyed the dancing Storm Trooper, but this video featuring hundreds of CPDRC inmates of the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center, Cebu, Philippines, practicing Michael Jackson's Thriller video is a must see.

I'm sure learning to dance like Michael Jackson is a lot more fun than learning how to make a license plate. But how did they decide who got to dress up in drag and who got to be Michael? But what I really want to know is why they did this at all?

Lohan vs. Hilton

There are so many reasons why Lindsay Lohan is a cheap imitation of Paris Hilton. Instead of jumping to conclusions, let's work this one out.

1. Mug Shot Competition.
All of the celebrities know that your mugshot will be plastered all over the internet. You can either have a fanstasically bad mugshot like Nick Nolte or you can go the glamorous route. Both Paris and Lindsay decided for the latter. Which is kind of a shame because the crazy hair thing that Nick Nolte has going on in his mug shot would look fantastic on either one of these ladies. Lindsay Lohan should have lots of practice getting her picture taken in an impaired state and yet she lets them take a picture of her looking like a slacked-jaw yokel. Come on, Lindsay, this isn't your first time at the rodeo! Paris, on the otherhand, really works it. She poses for the camera so that her mug shot can be its very best.

Mug shot competition goes to: Paris

2. Driving Competition.
Both of these girls got popped for DUI. And both of them got pulled over again over after their DUI for doing other bad stuff. Paris was driving with a suspended license more than once. Lindsay on the other hand went for the gusto and decided to drive around drunk again, with cocaine in her pocket, whilst harassing the mother of the assistant that quit either that day. Paris is no rocket scientist, but even Paris knew better than that. Both can afford to hire drivers or pay for a cab so there is no reason why either of them should have ever been arrested for drunk driving in the first place. Lindsay now has two DUIs. And it appears Paris is no longer the stupidest celebrity on the planet.

Driving competiton goes to: Lindsay.

3. Exhibitionist Competition.
So who hasn't been caught without their panties? Both of these gals have flashed their vaginas around Hollywood. Wheeeeeeeee! But Paris can definitely one up Lindsay in this round. I have four words for you:One Night in Paris. There is nothing like flashing your vagina and other parts in a sex tape.

Exhibitionist Competition goes to: Paris

4. Media Circus Competiton.
This is an interesting round. We know how much people love it when celebrities have to go to rehab. And if you aren't going to stay at the Betty, then by all means go the the resort, I mean, rehab your fellow vagina flasher Britney went to. It was obvious how serious Lindsay was about her recovery because the first thing she did is go to Vegas for her birthday celebration after her release. I know that's where i would go for a sober birthday celebration. Since then, Lindsay has been out and about flashing her SCRAM ankle bracelet. I guess it was really a SCAM. Ha, ha, very punny! But nothing will ever top the dramatics of Paris' parole violation. The courtroom drama, the abrupt release for "medical reasons", the cupcakes during her short lived house arrest, and the return to jail. There is not a damn thing Linsday can do to top this:

The Media Circus Competiton goes to: Paris

Paris wins!

The Car Wash Bandit

Recently there have been a rash of thefts and vandalism at car washes here in Austin. I'm not really sure I get this. Actually, I'm sure I don't get this. For one thing, it has been raining almost every day for the past forever. I know I haven't washed my car since the beginning of June (or maybe it was May?). But I suppose I'm not the best judge of this since I usually wash my car about once a month or less. It really depends on how dirty my car is and if there is a car wash at the gas station. I am more about convenience than a clean car. But how much money could there be at a car wash in the rain forrest called Austin? People don't wash their cars when it is raining all of the time. And since there is rain in the forecast for the rest of the month, I can't imagine business picking up all that much. So why would you think that stealing money from the empty pay stations at the car wash would be worth the effort? Do these people need quarters because they have a lot of laundry or something?

Sunday, July 22, 2007

What kind of president would Dick Cheney be?

Well, yesterday when Baby Boy Bush officially transferred his presidential power to ole Dick this is what happened:

Cheney was at his Chesapeake Bay home in St. Michaels, Md., with his wife, Lynne, and spent his short time in power reading in the back yard and hanging out with his dogs, spokeswoman Lea Anne McBride said. "He had a routine Saturday morning," she said by e-mail. "Nothing occurred that required him to take official action as Acting President." (Washington Post).

Maybe if a certain president would spend more time reading and playing with Barney instead of sticking his nose in everybody's business, the world would be a better place. I assume that if Cheney had been president for more than a few hours, he would not have spent his time in such a useful way.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

I guess Jane Austen wouldn't get a book deal today

I haven't had much to laugh about this week, but this did get my attention this morning despite my stupor induced by serious lack of sleep. So this prankster sent a number of publishers thinly disguised copies of chapters out of certain Jane Austen novels. Only one of the 18 editors that received the chapters recognized it for what it was. Ms. Austen's book was even rejected by the publisher that has published her works in paperback. The rest sent rejection letters citing a lack of marketability and one even called it a "really original and interesting read" in the rejection letter. I can't disagree with the interesting part, but it hasn't been original since Jane Austen wrote it in the early 1800s. Now these publishers are scrambling to save face. They need to face the facts, they are dumb. It really makes you wonder what little you have to do to be the top of your field, doesn't it? Strive for mediocrity, my friends, strive for mediocrity.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

US and UK no longer sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g

I was reading an article on bbc.com and and the first line was, "One of Gordon Brown's new ministers has said the UK and the United States would no longer be 'joined at the hip' on foreign policy." My first thought was, "lucky them." That is all.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

What's wrong with iPhones?

The folks over at willitblend.com have found a serious flaw with the iPhone.

That's right. It blends. So far that's the biggest problem I have heard of with the iPhone. They are auctioning off the blended iPhone on eBay and it looks like it may end up costing more than an un-blended iPhone. People will buy anything.

I guess the people that suggested this are part of the iPhone backlash. It seems like there are the people that have iPhones and the people that are bitter that they don't have iPhones. I mean are they pissed because they can't afford one or that they have Verizon instead of AT&T? The Pineapple Mom forwarded me an email from someone she knew that gave reasons why he was not going to buy an iPhone. The top one is that it is made by Apple. What the hell is that all about? Every Apple computer I have had, I have kept until it ran out of room for my stuff while every Windows machine I have had, I had to replace because it was crap. Yes, I would much rather buy a phone built by the same person that made the Xbox. I like products that are inferior and crash for no particular reason. I guess the same people bidding on the blended iPhone also have an Xbox.

I will tell you why I don't want an iPhone. It is the same reason I don't want a Satan Box (Blackberry). I don't want people to be able to email me wherever I go. I've had a cell phone for over ten years and I'm still not keen on the idea that people can call me wherever I go. But the truth be told, if I had to get something like that, I would get an iPhone. Yes, they cost more than a Blackberry, but I bet they work.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

R.I.P. Lady Bird

Lady Bird Johnson died today at the age of 94. We really like her in Austin because she made our city pretty. She made sure Town Lake has lots of trees and plants and she gave us The Lady Bird Johnson Wildflower Center. She also made sure that the highways of Texas are lined with wildflowers. But she wasn't all plants and flowers. She was a shrewd business woman that purchased her first radio station in 1942 with $17,500 in inheritance money while her husband was a member of Congress. She and her family eventually owned a number of radio and television stations. The LBJ Holding Co. sold 50.1 percent of the six-station cluster for approximately $105 million. Not too shabby, huh?

Gwen Verdon, Dancing Queen

Some of you may be asking, who the hell is Gwen Verdon? In the 50s and the 60s she was considered the best dancer on Broadway and won 4 Tony Awards. She also won a Grammy and was nominated for 3 Emmy Awards (inlcuding one for an appearance on Magnum P.I.). She is proably best known for starring in Damn Yankees (on Broadway and in the film version) and for her marriage to Bob Fosse. Recently, someone decided that her dance moves (choreographed by Bob Fosse and performed on The Ed Sullivan Show) were a good fit to Unk's Walk It Out. I think the new version is interesting because it makes her groovy moves seem almost tawdry, but I think I prefer the original Mexican Breakfast version. I have included both. You can decide for yourself.

Gwen Verdon - Mexican Breakfast

And then she Walks it Out

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Alberto lies again

When will lightning strike this member of The Legion of Doom? He lies everytime he opens his mouth and frequently gets caught. I kind of miss John Ashcroft. I didn't agree with him hardly ever. You know that whole Patriot Act being unconsitutiuonal and his stupid war on bongs that got Tommy Chong in all that trouble. He also put those retarded drapes over the Spirit of Justice, along with its male counterpart, the Majesty of Law and sang that awful song about the soaring eagle. However, he did tell my buddy Alberto to lick it when he demanded that he override the Acting Attorney General James Comey and re-up the warrantless wiretap program while he was in the hosptial waiting to have his gall bladder removed. I kinda felt sorry for Ashcroft when I heard that. And that's when we found out why he really resigned. It was because he wouldn't play Baby Boy Bush's game anymore and most likely did not have a damned thing to do with his health.

So back Ole Alberto's latest oopsie! Guess what? He lied to the Senate to get them to renew the Un-Patriot Act. He told them, "There has not been one verified case of civil liberties abuse." He made this statement on April 27, 2005. Well, guess what he got on April 21, 2005? A report setting out how the FBI had, in fact, violated people's civil liberties. When he was called on this contradiction, the department spokesperson said that when Gonzales testified, he was speaking "in the context" of reports by the department's inspector general before this year that found no misconduct or specific civil liberties abuses related to the Patriot Act. In other words, he lied.

You know, most people would have been fired from their job long before now. But not Ole Alberto! As long as he keeps kissing Baby Boy Bush's ass, he will have a job.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Today's Asshat is John Mayer

I am an angry pineapple today and I think that John Mayer owes me an apology. Actually, there are a lot of things that John Mayer should apologize for. First, he should apologize for subjecting the world to his crappy music. The world does not need any more whiny songs. Second, he should apologize for using Jessica Simpson as a beard. It is an embarassment to her (and I don't even like her) and I'm still convinced that spineless turd does not have a penis. He can date as many women with fake boobs as he wants, and it will never convince me that he is a man. But the thing he really should apologize for is the "apology" video he posted on his website.

Dog fighting is a felony. It is animal abuse and is not a joke. As far as I am concerned it is just as crappy as child abuse and no one would tolerate jokes about that.

The fact is that American Pit Bulls are not an aggressive breed by nature. The American Temerament Test Society has tested American Pit Bulls and as a breed got a grade of 84.1%. Golden Retrievers got a grade of 83.8%. The average overall pass rate for all breeds is 81.5%. It would appear that Pit Bulls have a better temperament than a lot of other dogs. But any dog can become a dangerous dog. Especially when they are abused, starved and taunted. I don't have the stomach to post pictures of the tools they use to train dogs to fight, but it makes medieval torture devices look pretty tame in comparison. Not very funny, is it?

If you want to tell him what a bastard loser he is for his video (or you just want to tell him his music sucks) you can send him a message on his myspace page: http://www.myspace.com/johnmayer. Or call his representation. He is represented by Headline Entertainment. Here is the number 888.552.6737.

Friday, July 06, 2007

She's like so whatever

A few months ago I woke up with that Girlfriend song in my head. And now the punk princess is being sued because it is a rip off of a song by the Rubinoos called I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend. You may know them for the theme song from Revenge of the Nerds. Yeah, right. Naturally, all of this talk of this song has brought back the plague of Avril Lavigne. Damn. That song is back in my head. So here is a video that puts the claim made by the Rubinoos to the test. You decide which version is crappier.


Finally, 7-7-7 is here! Well, tomorrow it will finally be here. Seven is a lucky number, but tomorrow you will have three times the luck (because is is the 7th day of the 7th month of the 7th year). Isn't that lucky? It is the luckiest day in 100 years!

And if that in itself isn't enough for you, tomorrow is the day that Tupac will return from his fake death. Its a good thing that he has been making movies and albums since he was "killed" so that he will have lots of money to come home to. See! Lucky! And if that isn't enough, someone made a video of Barney singing a Tupac song. Even more lucky!

Pay $250,400 fine -- check!

Scooter can mark that off his list of things to take care of. After his supporters were whining about the financial hardship his family would face because he was going to the slammer for soooooooooooooo long, he was able to buy a cashiers check the day his sentence was commuted. I bet that $400 "special assessment" really hurt. Ouch! Now he just has to sit out his probation (which is sure to end when he gets his pardon). Life is hard for Scooter.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Enron still sucks

Those fuckwads at Enron can't do anything right. And now they are screwing over their former employees AGAIN. Like losing their retirement and making sure they were unemployable wasn't enough. I know people that could find a new job for over a year because the word "Enron" appeared on their resume. The courts were sympathetic enough to award these people $89 million to cover some of the pensions Enron lost (they lost an estimated $2 billion in pension plans) and Enron (now known as Enron Creditors Recovery Corp) has made the first payment. Naturally they did it all wrong. They paid some people too much and others not enough. What a surprise! Of course, they are blaming the company they hired to do the calculations. I guess it never occured to anyone to check the formula before they cut the checks. I do know that if those jerks overpaid me, I wouldn't be too concerned or in too much of a hurry to pay them back especially since these people are only going to recover a fraction of what they lost. Assholes.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Did you know that a Toyota Prius can go 100 mph?

I didn't. Maybe once Al Gore III takes care of his legal troubles, he can be a spokesperson for Toyota. Their new motto can be: "Prius. Drive really fast and save a lot of gas." But it may be a while before he can tout the speed of the Prius since he got popped going really, really fast (100 mph!?!) and had pot and pills in his possession. That was really stupid. He has already been in trouble for driving around and having pot in the car back in his Harvard days. Things like that make you wonder about Harvard's admission requirements. I guess that pothead got really stoned and forgot that you shouldn't drive around with drugs in your car. And maybe like the rest of us, he didn't realize that a Prius could go that fast. A Prius can go 100 mph? Really? It baffles the mind.

The 4th of July and other urban legends

Even if you aren't so thrilled about the direction this country is headed, there isn't much to complain about when you get a day off in the middle of the week. Especially one that encourages beer drinking and BBQ. Like any other holiday, event, or change in the wind direction there always seems to be a surge of urban legends. This is the one I'd like to quash this week. Not to offend my friends that sent this to me, but come on! You have got to start checking into things. Not everything you read on the internet is true.

This is the offending email of the week:

"Nothing important happened today."
—Diary entry by King George III on July 4, 1776

I call bullshit. George III was a raving lunatic and had his head in the sand when it came to dealing with the American colonies, but there is no evidence that he kept a diary --ever. Just because there was reference to this quote on the X-Files does not make it fact. Don't you think that more people would know about this ironic journal entry if it really happened?

And just for the record, George Washington did not chop down a cherry tree and confess to his father because he could not tell a lie. This was a story fabricated by Parson Weems. Sorry to burst your bubble.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Its a good thing the Bush Administration is above the law!

I mean how else could Scooter Libby go free? Now there is one happy guy! Yay, Scooter! You don't have to go to jail because you are friends with the president! You still have a convition for perjury and obstruction of justice and you have to pay a $250,000 fine and be on probation for two years. But that's OK because you have lots of friends that will give you a job even though you have a criminal record. Hell, they already had fundraisers for your defense fund. Maybe they will pay your fine, too! Aren't you a lucky, lucky guy? I'm so glad to know that it isn't all that bad to reveal the identity of CIA agents to the public and that a two and a half year sentence is excessive for perjury and and obstruction of justice. I will keep that in mind next time I am thinking about endangering the life of a CIA operative and jeopardizing national security and then covering up my acts with lies and more lies. No worries, huh?

Monday, July 02, 2007

Nothing goes better together than

storm troopers and earth, wind and fire. Don't believe me? Well, then watch this...