Saturday, May 16, 2009

I'm leaving on a jet plane

And then I'm getting on a boat...

In fact, my plane for New York should be leaving right about now. I'll be back next month with lots of pictures (you know me).

Until then -- see ya!

Friday, May 15, 2009

time to freak out the dogs

They know something is up and they have been under my feet and on my lap for days. Shirley has even had middle of the night snuggle emergencies. There is nothing more restful than a 60 pound dog throwing her self on top of you or trying to get under you. Last night I had to spoon her so I wouldn't get pushed off the bed and Laverne had her head on my food with her legs wrapped around mine. I seriously need some coffee.

So today I pack my bags and go see Star Trek at the IMAX. But first I have to rub Shirley's tummy.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

These Shoes Suck

I don't know why people seem to like these New Balance shoes so much. Frankly, I've never experienced shoes so painful. I'd much rather run in stripper shoes than these things. I've had these stupid shoes for three weeks now and I think it is fair to call them torture devices. I've tried and I've tried, but after today I can take no more.* After thirty minutes my right foot was covered in blisters and the bottom of my left foot was numb. Not even hooker heels do that to your feet.

The thing that really gets me is that I wore these shoes around the store for twenty minutes and they felt great.** They remind me of that crazy ex-boyfriend (or ex-girlfriend depending on who you like to like) that was really fun and nice at first and then you wake up and they are bat shit crazy.*** I'm pretty sure I can't take these shitty shoes back, so what do you do with shoes this awful? MOTL suggested that I donate them, but can I do that with a clear conscious? Can I really not feel bad about giving these crippling shoes to some unsuspecting soul? Maybe I should just send them back to New Balance with a note that says, "no backs!" What I do know, is that I'm not taking these stupid shoes half way around the globe to continue the torture of my poor little piggies. Not very vacation like if you ask me.

In the end, I have learned that there is a reason I have been wearing the same brand of shoes for over ten years and this is my punishment for being unfaithful.

I have to conclude that Run DMC was oh, so very right when they said:

my Adidas and me, close as can be
we make a mean team, my Adidas and me
we get around together, rhyme forever
and we won't be mad when worn in bad weather
My Adidas..
My Adidas..
My Adidas

*And if these craptastic shoes weren't enough to deal with, some asshole changed the channel so I had to watch Paula Deen smother food with bacon and butter.
**Apparently wearing the shoes around the store while you shop is frowned upon by the employees at the Academy. So, I guess the ads about it being "my store" are not so true afterall.
***On Sunday I talked about people that behave like this and the Pineapple Dad asked me if I had some experience with this (in a way that implied I might be the one that is on good behavior at the start and then later on behave badly). I told him that wasn't true because I am always a sarcastic bitch and it is no act. MOTL said nothing and started "reading" a home decor catalog. He made the right choice because there is no right response.

Monday, May 11, 2009

How to Secede the Union Without Really Trying

Personally, I think this uproar about Gov. Good Hair making comments about Texas seceding is hilarious. For weeks, this has been on the national news. Really? Maybe I'm baffled because this is nothing new for Texans. We are always talking about seceding. It never made the national news before. I even had a "Secede" sticker on my first car. And I wasn't the only one. Hippies and rednecks alike had that same sticker. What baffles me even more is that the media believes that this is some sort of Republican "movement". Last time this idea had legs Texans were just pissed and Ronald Reagan was president (kind of blows that whole Republican thing argument, huh?). The media has even been taking polls to prove their point. Now they are convinced it is a Southern Republican thing (so why did they pass that sovereignty resolution in one of the Dakotas? They ain't Southern).

Well, here is my point: all these people talking about seceding in other states are a bunch of copy cat posers. Rick Perry is still an idiot, by the way.*

Here is the skinny on the movement to secede. Texas was a sovereign nation (Texas has been rockin' its independence since March 2, 1936**) that included what the non-geographically challenged persons will recognize as present day Texas and parts of New Mexico, Oklahoma, Kansas, Colorado, and Wyoming. When Texas joined the union, we reserved the right to leave whenever we wanted. And we frequently want to leave (again, I stress that this is not the first time). Also, we were not required to turn over public lands to the government. In other words, all federal land in Texas had to be purchased from us and we still own all of our oil reserves (and our jurisdiction extends 3 leagues offshore while yours is only 3 miles, other coastal states). Don't you other states feel foolish for just giving your shit away? And while I'm showing off, we joined the union in 1845 (official date December 29). And if you are wondering how the shape of Texas changed, we were given the authority to divide Texas (solely our discretion) and decided to cede the parts that are now New Mexico, Oklahoma, Kansas, and Wyoming to the feds in 1852 (mostly to get the Union to pay our debts from our time as a Republic). So, as much as our public education system has failed in Texas, we know our Texas history and we celebrate Texas Independence Day. We all know that that everything in Texas is bigger and better. We also have heated debates about whether we kept our right to leave the Union after the Civil War (and whether we were brought back into the Union legally). We even had a standoff. Remember when Richard McLaren declared war on the United States? We do.***

So, these other states with their secession movements don't have this same kind of history (or standoffs) that we do. They are just pissed that the Republicans lost control and that their party is in real danger of being a political party non grata. For them, this is all about throwing a tantrum and that makes them copy cat posers. For Gov. Good Hair, this is a Texas tradition and an idea that is old hat. And whether or not we agree with him (or even like him), Texans don't see why this is such news to the rest of you.

*He's just squawking about seceding to justify not taking money we really need (the Texas Workforce Commission is out of money and he won't take money for unemployment benefits). We have taken federal aid to get more bacon flu supplies and we have received the most disaster money from FEMA than any other state. That's because under Rick Perry's rule, we don't need no stinkin' federal government. Thus, he is an idiot.

**BTW, I did not have to look any of this up, but feel free to fact check. You will find that I am right. Texas children are required to learn a lot about Texas history. It was even required in college.

***We weren't really rooting for him. While the media was making comments about him being a wingnut with too many guns, we all knew he was a mid-westerner with not enough guns.

Friday, May 08, 2009


"I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy
Snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty
Oily, greasy, fleecy, shining
Gleaming, steaming, flaxen, waxen
Knotted, polka-dotted; Twisted, beaded, braided
Powdered, flowered, and confettied
Bangled, tangled, spangled and spaghettied!"

well doesn't that sounds exciting? it really wasn't. More of a pain in the ass really, so I chopped it all off today on a whim. a little over six inches. and I got bangs, too! I'm feeling better. So much so, that I actually started feeling a little snarky and sarcastic today. Maybe I will dye my hair red while I'm at it...

Thursday, May 07, 2009

a pineapple with a plan

When you've hit your limit of bullshit, the best thing you can do is come up with a plan. As I was inundated with phone calls from the masses, I started to think about where I really wanted to be. I've had an idea about where I'd like to end up for a while. I never imagined that I'd be using my law degree to answer stupid questions (and, yes, there are stupid question and they are usually asked by stupid people). As I answered one stupid question after another, I realized that my current job isn't the way to fulfill any type of future career goals. My job really is a joke. But it was a moment in the hall when I greeted my supervisor and got no response (rude much?) that my decision had really been made. Today is the day that I committed to finding a new job. A job that will get me to my goal. Because at my age, it really is time I had some sort of career goals. I'm still miserable and desperately unhappy in my current situation, but I'm not feeling as overwhelmed by it now that I have a plan. And I didn't want to cry when I got home for the first time in weeks. I'm not usually a crier, but lately it has seemed like a good idea. Things have been that craptastic.

Admittedly, it isn't just my job that is getting me down. So, I've come up with a plan to get my non-work life back on track. One of my goals is to get back to something that makes me feel good -- writing down my bullshit thoughts. I haven't committed to getting back to my blog per se. Maybe I'll start working on the book I never finished, maybe I'll start a new blog. I don't know yet. But rambling on about my personal bullshit has helped me sort some shit out in my head.

All I have to do now is survive one more week of bullshit, then I have two weeks to clear my head before I tackle the my new goals.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

yes, it's been two months

and let's face it, the pineapple world has been pure shit since the last time I blogged. frankly, I'm not sure if this is a one time deal or maybe there is still a flicker or glimmer of something like drive to start this again. I just don't know. I do feel a need to purge, or bitch, or complain, or rant, or SOMETHING. I wish I could point to the one thing that made me so completely unmotivated to do anything. But I just can't. I can point to a lot of somethings in almost every aspect of my life that are completely jacked up. And that is where my lack of motivation comes from -- the fact that everything is screwed up.

It really is sad when there hasn't been a single, stupid world event that inspired me to give my opinion to the lack of masses flocking to my blog. Not the ridiculousness of the Republicans, the absurdity of the swine flu panic, or Captain Sullenberger's ruined library books inspired me to turn on my computer. It wasn't even remotely motivating when Spain was talking about prosecuting Alberto for war crimes. You know a pineapple is in a bad way when that can't touch her inner blogger. Pity party, ya'll. Pity. Party.

Here I am. Another night of stressful thoughts and lack of sleep in pineapple land. Watch me as I am say absolutely nothing and get uncharacteristically personal in a vague way. I keep thinking that I'm getting closer to a good place and I make a move forward only to get bitch slapped about ten steps back. Almost everything I own is damaged, broken, missing, or deficient in some way and since I had the poor judgment to go and get myself a guv'mint job I have no money to take care of this shit. I mean really, should I get a new wireless router so I can not blog from any room in the house or pay the electric bill so I can complain that I have electricity, but not wireless internet.

Speaking of my guv'mint job, well, my work situation is unbearable. Everyone has gone insane and although I do my job well I am on some shit list for an unknown reason. If I weren't so damned broke from my lack of income I'd sing those bitches a certain Johnny Paycheck song. Oh, come on, you know the one (it rhymes with take this job and shove it...). And naturally since Gov. Goodhair is more interested in refusing stimulus money and talking about seceding while asking for drugs from the federal government in his unreasonable bacon flu panic, there will be no cost of living raise for state employees. There is no money for that. And he doesn't have time to worry about that anyway when he wants to make sure dead people get buried with their IDs. Or something like that. I am almost tempted to vote in the Republican primary just so I can vote against that dickwad. A shitty salary keeps an employee motivated to stick around -- don't pay me enough to live on and then refuse to give me a cost of living raise when my cost of living gets more and more expensive. Hell, If I cut much more out of my budget I will be sitting around in the dark listening to my stomach growl. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful to have a job but just watch me cross party lines to help Miss Breck kick your ass, buddy.

But the thing that prays on my mind the most is that I can't face going back to the gym. Let's just ignore the fact that after months of eating healthy and making three to four trips to the gym every week, there has been no progress. I should have kept my old job and completed the tour of every single Whataburger and Sonic in the State of Texas. At least I got some good pictures out of it. And it isn't even the fact that those fools screwed my account up so badly that they stop me to make sure I can come in every single time I go. I now just say," it's not me, it's you" when I hand them my card. Some of those dummies get the joke, but most of the time I get a blank stare. But that really isn't what puts me off of that place. It is the asswipe that likes to change the channel to the Food Network on half of the TVs in that place. I try to pick a place where I can watch the news and not see that shit at all. But without fail there are at least two TVs that have that food channel in my line of vision. I get tricked by the commercials, I guess. I just can't face another episode of Paula Deen (she always seems to be on no matter what time I'm at the gym). I do not need to watch her put five sticks of butter in everything. It doesn't matter what she is making (butter salad, anyone?). At some point she says,"Oh honey, I think that needs some butter! Don't you?" And then she puts 50 sticks in the pan. Frankly, there should be a law against showing food shows at a gym. Isn't food the main reason any of us exercise???

I guess the long and not so short of it is that my life is in shambles and the only thing that keeps me going is that I get two weeks off to go a trip with the pineapple family. And I am so grateful that they are taking me because I can't afford to run away on my own (thanks, Rick Perry). The big question is, "can I make it 9 more days?"