Tuesday, November 29, 2005

taking bribes is outrageous...

... but awarding billions of dollars in no bid contracts to Halliburton isn't. Today, W "verbally slapped" Rep. Randy "Duke" Cunningham for taking bribes. So, when is he going to verbally slap some of those other sleazy, scandal ridden republicans (i.e. Scooter, Frist, DeLay, et al)? All of this scandal and wrong doing is more "outrageous" than Clinton's 40 million dollar blow job (at least that is the amount of money I recall all of the special investigations costing, it may have been more). I guess getting blow jobs is a lot more serious than wasting taxpayers money, breaking the law, and being responsible for the death of innocent humans and the destruction of several counties and Louisiana. And it makes me wonder "where the hell are my priorities?" I guess I don't understand ethics at all.

they never hold rallies for me

So, Tom Delay is having rallies to show the world what a swell guy he is. I'm just wondering when my rally is going to be held, I'm swell too and I don't even have any indictments. I have my own problems and it would be really nice to have a cheering section to lift my spirits. Maybe I'll hold a rally tonight so I can tell the world that I too am proud of my record.

Monday, November 21, 2005

harry potter and the goblet of crap

Since I got cable with HBO, I hardly ever go to the movies. I only go to movies I'm really excited about seeing and I wait for the rest to come to me. The last movie I went to was Serenity (it ruled) -- and that was months ago. I will admit that I am a Harry Potter junky. I love those books so much that I abandoned my intense fear of reading aloud to read all six books to my sweetheart (because I read ahead I have read all of those books 3 times). So, on Saturday I took my dad to see the Goblet of Crap for his birthday. Thankfully, he hasn't read any of the books so he liked it. If you have read the book, don't bother with the movie. Monkeys could done a better job. I know that book was really long, but they managed to cram those Lord of the Ring books into movies without getting rid of too much stuff. My mom, sweetheart and I were really disappointed. Where the hell were the Veela? What about Rita Skeeter? And, christ, where the hell were Dobby, Winky, Mrs. Weasley and Bill? And that maze was just stupid. No blast ended skrewts or sphinx? Lame. Don't waste your seven dollars, it will be a two and a half hours of your life you will never get back.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

toe jam

I'm so glad this didn't happen to me! There's nothing like a freak with a good ole foot fetish to get you going in the middle of the night.

Monday, November 14, 2005

I need a translator!

Did you know that if you tell your fiancĂ©/boyfriend/lover/husband/etc. not to leave his beer cans in the sink that it actually means: "honey, do not pour any old beer out. Just leave your cans all over the kitchen counter, the coffee table, the front porch, your office and anywhere else that strikes your fancy.” I didn't either, but this morning the love of my life informed me of this.

The night before last I got fed up with the above said cans that were on the kitchen counter (just a foot away from where I put the recycling) so without ceremony, I threw them all out the back door. Maybe it was childish, but a lot easier than dumping out that last bit of beer that is in every single can before recycling them. So, this morning I mentioned that I threw the cans out the backdoor and that I was tired of him leaving the cans on the counter. This is when I found out that I told him to never pour beer down the sink. I also got a few other hilarious excuses, but this one takes the cake.

When you find out that not leaving cans in the sink is the same as never pouring beer in the sink at all, other things also become clear. I've always wondered why sometimes when men do dishes, there is almost always a knife that is clean on one side but not the other. Sometimes they drop things behind the couch instead of getting up and putting it in the trash. I've seen episodes of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy where the straight guy had old dishes under the couch and garbage under the bed. I guess when you tell a man to put things away you have to be REALLY specific (and look under the furniture occasionally).

This is where the translator comes in. I need someone to take what I say and put in a way that my sweetheart will understand what I'm saying.

Friday, November 11, 2005

and its not even talk like a pirate day

So, I don't know about everybody else, but I have been fascinated by the recent pirate attack on the cruise ship off the coast of Somalia. Really the only time you hear about pirates is on Talk Like a Pirate Day -- Aaargh! Anyway, I didn't really think about the fact that there were really still pirates these days. I'm surprised they aren't called terrorists and immediately thrown into the secret CIA prisons that don't exist... Which kind of leads me to my next point, apparently, there have been a lot of pirate attacks all over the world. After looking at the map (Click Here) I have decided I will not go on any cruises in the Indian Ocean. But remarkably there aren't any reported pirate attacks off of the coast of this country. I have a couple ideas about this. It is possible that our Coast Guard is so good that they can prevent all pirate activity. This I seriously doubt. Drug smugglers and Cubans make it to our shores every day. It is more likely that these attacks are called something else. You know, Guantanamo Bay is a handy dandy vacation spot for those folks that we don't really want to deal with. But what do I know about deceptive government practices?

did goliath exist?

And if so, what does that really mean? So, they found some broken piece of pottery where they want us to believe that Goliath lived. This piece of dried clay has some writing on that happens to say "goliath" on it. So, obviously this is proof that some guy named David killed a giant named Goliath and that God created us in his image and that he did the whole thing in 6 days, right? On that note, after you did that much work in 6 days, you'd want to watch football and nap on the couch on Sunday, too. So, anyway, this pottery dates to 70 years after this David and Goliath were supposed to have lived. What it tells me is that people named their kids Goliath or maybe that Goliath is some really old word. I suppose if I had the "faith" it would really tell me that god does exist and everything in the bible is true. I just can't accept that book "as is". You know when my boyfriend tells and retells a story, it gets grander and funnier everytime. Since this book wasn't really written down when it happened, don't you think the Asia's of the world may have dressed things up with each retelling? Just a theory, but then again god hasn't spoken directly to me either.

let's talk about Elks (and some other things)

So, today is Veterans Day. There will be parades and protests against the war. Our fine president is also going to take advantage of today as well. He plans on using Veterans Day to lash out at Democrats. While I am against the war in Iraq, I am all about supporting our soldiers and our veterans. Today shouldn't be used to justify bad intelligence and whatever else is up that fool's sleeve. Just leave politics out of today's festivities and honor our veterans.

That being said here's something funny that was sent to me this morning:

A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where the books were kept.
Both of his books have been lost.
A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.
The White House tried to call FEMA but there was no answer.

And in other news, I joined the Elks last night. That place rules. You can still smoke in there because it is a private club, they have the cheapest drinks in town (where else can you get call drinks for $2.25?), rockin' burgers on Wednesday night, and a badass pool. Also they do a lot of good charity work and give back to the community. One of the people that joined last night was the sassiest 80 year old I've ever met. She kept me laughing all night. I can't wait to see her again. Tonight is steak and enchilada night (Mmmmmmm!), so I think we will go check that out. Not much into vegetarian dishes are they? But then again, there aren't that many places you can drink in the name of charity.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

my new hero

I have no idea what he stands for politically, but my new hero is Michael Sessions. He was elected mayor of Hillsdale, Michigan at the ripe old age of 18. He took his summer job money to finance his campaign (a whopping $700) going door to door. He registed to vote one day after his 18th birthday and became a write-in candidate the next. After the votes are offically ceritifed, he will become the yougest mayor.

myspace sucks and so does this blog

When I was able to go on myspace I had a built in audience for all of my political and smart ass rantings. But then, I got locked out of my account this week. I missed being able to vent my anger at the world. Once I started this blog (which only 7 people have visted so far) I realized I also missed my smart ass myspace friends, too. I can prattle on about my boring life and why I think the world sucks, but I don't get bulletins from Smackdabbit! telling me about stupid products I didn't know that I really need or links to harass nazis on myspace. I don't have Sonofabitch posting bulletins about how 9/11 was an inside job or the obscene pictures he likes to label as "work safe". Frankly, I have completely given up on myspace. I sent them a fruitless email telling them that I had been locked out of my account, but never got a response. Since then I have taken to sending hate mail to them. Nothing too rude yet, but I expect if I keep it up I can get my account deleted all together.

So long myspace, hello sucky blog!

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Fuck you, Texas!

The election results for Proposition 2 (and most of the others) really suck. I know that I live in a "red" state (more like evil), but how can so many people be proud to come out and say "Yes, I am a bigot because God tells me to!" Its so nice to know that my fellow Texans (except the oasis that is Austin) are more concerned with spreading the hate rather than teaching kids how to read or something useful like that. I am looking forward to the lawsuits in response to this outrageous constitutional amendment. In fact, I'm thinking of filing one myself since this new law basically nullfies marriage in Texas (the "similar or identical to" clause is very problematic). How can I get married if there is no such thing? If there is a judge in Texas with the balls to agree with that, it will be so much fun to watch the bible thumpers squirm when they find out that they are living in sin and that their children born after September are bastards.

Not that anybody's listening...

... or reading this or whatever. I can honestly say, I never thought I would set up a blog. For a long time, I thought blogs were for exhibitionists and weirdoes that wanted to share too much information about their personal lives to the internet "world". Maybe they still are and I've become one of those weirdoes. But that's not really the point if there is one.