Tuesday, August 28, 2007

A Moment of Duh

She's right. I don't have the map that has the country "Such As" on it. Where is that one? I will never be able to find it because there just aren't enough available maps. How will I ever be able to educate South Africans, Iraqis, Asians, and Suchasians without proper maps? Help me, Rand McNally, you're my only hope.

Happy Birthday, David Soul!

David Soul, born on August 28, 1943, is best known for playing Hutch on Starsky and Hutch. Now he lives in London where he forged a new career on the West End stage. But his musical career is awesome. Before he hit the big time, he used to sing on The Merv Griffin Show wearing a ski mask and would say, "my name is David Soul, and I want to be known for my music."

David Soul - Don't...

Monday, August 27, 2007

My Birthday Came A Day Early This Year

I didn't even make a birthday wish and all of these things have come true!

1. Ding Dong Alberto has resigned! It is always fun when a member of the Legion of Doom takes a dive. It is a little bittersweet because I have really enjoyed pointing out his shortcomings and crimes against America to the blogosphere and the ten people that read my blog. However, it looks like Baby Boy Bush is thinking to nominate Michael Chertoff as his replacement. More fodder my blog, to be sure. My buddy Alberto has done a spectacular job of destroying the Department of Justice. I don't think the dummy that played a huge part in destroying New Orleans can fix Alberto's mess. Maybe they can announce his nomination of the anniversary of Katrina. I look forward to how this all plays out. Here is the video of his announcement in case you missed it:

I would have posted Baby Boy Bush's response, but let's face it we are all so tired of him talking about how great Alberto is.

2. Michael Vick officially entered his guilty plea today. Dogs everywhere are wagging their tales little easier today. I do look forward to the state charges against him. And I am oh so impressed that when he made his statement this morning that he found Jesus. My question is, why is that people never find Jesus until after they screw up? And why didn't he apologize to the dogs he hurt and killed -- aren't they the victims, not the people that control his football career? You can decide how sorry you think he is:

3. And as the birthday celebration continues, I have planned a lunar eclipse just for you. But you have to get up really early to catch it because the partial eclipse begins at 4:51 a.m. EDT. The full eclipse will begin an hour later at 5:52 a.m. EDT. Enjoy my gift to the world! Here is a special picture with the schedule of my lunar eclipse so you will know what time to wake up according to where you live:

4. But the things that would make my birthday celebration complete would be a birthday cake and winning the $250 million jackpot. I'm thinking that the way things are going, that all of my dreams and wishes really will come true!

Happy Birthday, Damon

We all miss you (with the exception of certain individuals in the administration that you forced to be your penpals). I think about you often and today I am especially sad that you aren't getting any older because you should be. My birthday presaent to you: Alberto Gonzales resigned today.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Poor Jailbirds!

The jailbirds in Mason County have to wear all pink from head to toe. Even the jail walls are pink. They are embarassed and I am amused. The sheriff says the recidivism rate has been cut by 68 percent. I don't doubt it. I would imagine the career criminals have moved to a different county after having to wear all pink on the inside. You know they think that when people see them outside working that they are being laughed at, but personally I think the old school black and white striped get ups are much more funny. Maybe that's just me.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

This Would Have Been A Funnier Story If They Had Called Someone Else at 5 Something In The Morning

The Pineapple Parents left for vacation very early this morning. Lucky them -- well, except for the whole thing about the plane leaving at 6:30 in the morning. On the upside, there aren't that many people at the airport and there isn't any traffic. But I think these facts are severely outweighed by the fact that your plane leaves at 6:30 in the morning. Like other sane people I was sound asleep when my phone started ringing at 5 something this morning. At first I was confused by what that awful noise was. I was confused as to why my alarm was going off while it was still dark outside. When I figured out that my phone was ringing, I answered it. The Pineapple Mom was calling because they were at the airport without one of their bags. I wasn't all that suprised because I am related to them and that is exactly what I would do that early in the morning. Then she tells me that the bag is by the curb in front of their house! Not only did they schedule their vacation to start at some ungodly hour, but they picked this morning to try out for some sort of slap stick comedy show. So I drive over there (still in my pajamas because it is 5:30 in the morning) and there it is. A bag sitting in a bed of tulips. I take it to the airport and drop it off with these parting words to The Pineapple Dad: "This would have been a lot funnier if you had called someone else."

Monday, August 20, 2007

Do All Republicans Hate Dogs?

There is a new trend in the Republican Party -- dog hating. Last time I checked dogs were man's best friend. I guess some people don't return that favor. Namely two Republican presidential candidates are not dog's best friend. I'm not naming names or anything, but...

Mitt Romney strapped his Irish Setter to the roof of his car for family vacations. I guess Mitt Romney was too cheap to board his dog or get a dog sitter. He claims his dog liked riding up there, but you know I bet a lot of kids would think it would be fun to ride on the roof of a car, too. Does that make it OK? No. That would be child abuse, just like strapping your dog to the roof of a station wagon is dog abuse. Dog hater.

Rudy Guilliani is all about discriminating against the owners of pit bulls and other "dangerous dogs". In 1999, he went so far to remove the hearing process in New YorK City to decide if a dog was "dangerous". So basically, they can decide your dog is dangerous without a hearing and order you to put your dog to sleep. Does that sound fair to you? I hate his version of America. Dog hater. Trust me, your little drop kick dog is way more dangerous than my American Bulldogs (my dogs are a breed that is targeted by BSL). And yet, in his world I should be required to have a $100,000 liability policy while the owner of some sketchy, biting, yappy 5 pound dog does not. Not even owner's of German Shepards have to carry that kind of insurance policy under his dangerous dog legislation and German Shepards are more likely to bite than a pit bull. And if someone decides my dogs are "dangerous", I don't even get the benefit of a hearing to defend my pets before the government orders me to put them to sleep. That makes me hate him more than he could possibly hate my dogs. Breed Specific Legislation is crap and ineffective. There is no evidence that dog bites have decreased where BSL has been enacted. This is because often times the dogs that are portrayed as being "dangerous" are not the dogs doing most of the biting. Dog hater.

So my question to you is, do you hate these dogs?

If so, you must be a Republican.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Nash Roberts, Weather God

I have always been fascinated by weather. Not enough to learn much about meteorology, but enough to want to experience things like hurricanes and tornadoes. Of course, when I was deciding on a major it never occurred to me that people chase storms for a living. Had I known that at age 18, I might have picked a different major. Bad weather is super cool.

When I moved to New Orleans, I hadn’t considered the possibility of hurricanes. What a fun surprise! But the other cool thing about hurricane season was Nash Roberts. This man really was the Weather God. He did not rely on computers to track storms. He did it the Nash Roberts way. Every time there was a storm of interest, they would take the camera crews to his house and he would tell you exactly where that storm was headed. Perfectly mapped out by pen and paper from his living room. I was in New Orleans when Hurricane Georges was predicted to hit New Orleans as a Category 5 storm. “Au contraire”, said Nash Roberts. He was the only one to predict that storm would hit Mississippi as a Category 4. So my friends and I stayed for the storm. Nash Roberts said we could. And what fun it was!

A group of us went to a packed neighborhood bar (we took a priest with us just for good measure) after they announced martial law. And then we drank until they were out of booze and ate the last burgers from the kitchen. Of course, my family had been watching the Weather Channel (and news from other non-Nash Roberts sources) and they were convinced that I was on an insane death wish for staying. It turned out to be a big party with some big gusts of wind and some rain. Of course, Hurricane Katrina was a very different story. By this time, I was long back in Austin. Nash Roberts evacuated the city for a hurricane for the first time in his life. That was a sign of bad things to come. If I had still been in New Orleans I would have left too -- just because Nash Roberts left.

Unfortunately, Nash Roberts is really retired for real now. He doesn’t do his badass weather reports from his living room anymore. But every year when the storms start, I always think of him. As I track tropical storms and hurricanes on the weather and on the Internet, I always wonder what Nash Roberts is saying about this storm…

Thursday, August 16, 2007


If you send and receive over 35,000 text messages in one month, you get a bill that comes in a box. I guess AT&T doesn't have any envelopes big enough to send a 300 page bill. This makes me wonder, how does this girl even have time to make this video if she is so busy sending all of these text messages?

More morons are breeding

It seems like it was just last week when I saw that some dummies in New Zealand were naming their baby "Superman" because the government rejected their orginal choice to name their child "4Real". Well, now there is a couple in China that wants to name their baby "@". That's right, like in the "@" you use in your email address. Apparently, when Mandarin speakers say "@" they use the English word "at", but the way they say it it sounds like "ai ta". This means "love him" in Chinese. So they want to name their baby after email because they love him? The Chinese government has strict rules about what you can name your child. Not a big suprise. In their effort to crack down on free thinking and stupid baby names, the Chinese government banned names using Arabic numerals, foreign languages and symbols that do not belong to Chinese minority languages. I find it hard to believe that "@" will pass muster. I do wonder what they will name their child as an alternative when the government rejects their child's stupid name?

Jenna has a drinking buddy for life!

Yippee! It is all over the news here like we care who Jenna Bush marries. We are all so thrilled that she is marrying some republican suck up that interned for Karl Rove. Sounds like a real gem to me! The Bush twins are truly cherished in Austin. Hell, someone saw the Bush twins drinking at the Chuy's when they were underage and called the cops on them. That's how much we love those girls! After that little mishap (whoopsie!), the big question here was WWJD (What Would Jenna Drink)? That was quite the windfall for the lucky person that made the first t-shirts and bumper stickers. I mean who cared about what Jesus was doing when Jenna was drinking like a fish! I guess the new question is "What Would Jenna and Henry Drink?" Unfortunately, it isn't going to make a very catchy bumper sticker. Oh well. Botoms up, kids!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Fun with Effigies

Since the news on my good buddy Alberto is slow, I guess I am going to have to pick on some of my other favorite targets. That's alright because I have a good one for you. Some of Dick Cheney's neighbors decided that he should be impeached so they held a protest right outside the front gate to his home in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

Although the cartoonish effigy that they topple is pretty funny, the star of this video is the Teton County Deputy that drives by. First you hear him "toot toot" his horn at the protesters like he is saying "howdy". Then he pulls up, sees what they are up to and drives away like, "everything seems to be in order here. Effigy away, guys."

Spontaneous Combustion Does Happen

In Arlington, Texas, they put wood chips under the play equipment at the school. Well, now they are going to have to replace it with pea gravel because the wood chips seem to be prone to spontaneous combustion. You heard me, spontaneous combustion! I don't know about you, but just the idea of spontaneous combustion in itself is enough to give me the giggles. It always has and I suppose it always will because it seems I have yet to grow up. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Who wants to grow up? But getting back to my point… Apparently, all of the rain we have had this year caused the wood chips to start decomposing and the hot dry weather we are having now caused them to go "poof!" up in smoke. If you are interested in seeing the fire, here is a link to the surveillance video that caught the whole thing. “Officials say” that compost that hasn’t been turned is also prone to spontaneous combustion. Who knew you could have your very own spontaneous combustion? Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Monday, August 13, 2007

Personally, I will miss Merv Griffin more

Good News: Karl Rove is quitting politics. Bad News: He is returning to Texas. He says that he is done with politics. He says he is done. Finished. That's All Folks. But can the architect of satan's party really give up being the puppet master of all that is evil? I highly doubt it. Besides, how boring will living in Ingram, Texas be after being the belle of the ball in D.C.? And how long can that uptight turd stand being so close to the hippies in Kerville and their folk festival? I just don't see this lasting all that long. It is just a matter of time before some other spawn of satan asks him to rule the world.

His immediate plan is to write a book because he "needs to make some money." What a load. After selling Rove & Co. and acting as Baby Boy Bush's brain for all of these years, one would think he made some money. But now that I think about it, after some of the budgets that came from the current administration, I guess that is proof positive that his budgeting skills aren't all that they could be. He probably does need to make some money.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

What a Difference a Few Years Make

In 1994, Dick seemed almost reasonable. Yes, I can hear the gasps from across the Internet. Watch the video below if you don't believe me.

So, in 1994 Dick said that it wasn't a good idea to capture Baghdad and Saddam Hussein. It would create a quagmire and Hussein wasn't worth very many American lives. He also said that we would be there alone and it would be an American occupation of Iraq. And that this was not a good thing. I'm not really sure what changed since 1994. Especially since we are in there alone and it is an American occupation of Iraq. And capturing Saddam Hussien was not worth the ever growing list of Americans that have lost their lives. I guess the only thing that has changed since then was the WMDs and the link between Iraq and al Qaeda. Well, those agruments really panned out didn't they? It was all a bunch of bullshit to justify a war without any justification. Since 1994, Dick has changed from a semi-reasonable person to the criminal that he is today.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Prison Break!

For those of you that don't live here, Austin has a hoppin' entertainment industry. Many movies and some TV shows are filmed here. This is because Ann Richards convinced a lot of people that Texas was a great place to do business and to make movies. For a while people were calling Austin "The Second Hollywood". Of course, W and Pretty Boy Perry did not keep up with the times (and the tax abatements) and some of this work has gone to other states like New Mexico and Louisiana. Pretty Boy Perry finally figured it out and signed a half-assed bill into law that will lure more business to Texas. But anyway, that is not the point.

The point is that a BBC show called Wire in the Blood has been fiming an episode at the Travis County Jail. Neighbors saw the jailbirds wandering around outside and called 911 to report the breakout. This prompted a lock down. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Luckily, the actors were wearing different outfits from the inmates so it was easy to tell them apart. Maybe next time they have fake inmates wandering around the grounds, they should tell the neighbors first.

Giant Lego Man

This Giant Lego Man was fished out of the sea off the shore of a resort called Zandvoort in the Netherlands. Some people saw this 8 foot Lego man floating in the water and decided to rescue it. Who wouldn't? So now the folks at Zandvoort have this cool Lego guy out on the beach by the drink stand. Unless they are all terribly high and there isn't a Lego man at all. But what I wonder is how do you lose your giant Lego Man in the ocean in the first place? Oh crap, I dropped my 8 foot Lego guy in the ocean and didn't notice until it was too late? Too strange.

Baby Superman, 4Real

There is this couple in New Zealand that decided to name their baby "4Real". For real. They chose this name because when they saw the ultrasound for the first time they realized the baby was for real. For real. I guess they thought it might not be for real because they couldn't see it yet? Well, the baby finally did come and they tried to register baby 4Real's name and it was rejected. Well, the fact that the government told these people that 4Real is not a for real name for a child is not going to stop them from calling this child 4Real. For real. I guess no one else has told them that this is a stupid name and that poor kid is going to find out when he starts school what a crap ass name his parents gave him. Since the government won't let them officially name their child 4Real, they are going to list his official name as "Superman" instead. This is most certainly a step up. I'm glad people like this are breeding. For real.

Monday, August 06, 2007

It's Celebrate Spam Email Week, in case you didn't know.

My friend Lauri sent me two emails, two days in a row. If you don't know Lauri, she is the kind of gal that you email and she sends you a response well after you have forgotten that you wrote her in the first place. Now don't think that Lauri is a flighty kind of friend, she is just really busy. For exapmle, she had several hobbies at once while she was in law school. This is shaping up to be a banner week for Ms. Apple. Not because she has sent me two emails this week, but because of what was in them. The first email was to announce that her blog, foundclothing, was featured in the Chicago Tribune.

The email I got today started with "It's Celebrate Spam Email Week, in case you didn't know." Of course, the kind of "spam" she sends is about how a major newspaper wrote an article about her or how she is going to be on the Today Show with Matt and Meredith on Wednesday. When I send emails to my friends, it is usually to find out if they are doing something interesting because I'm not. I am a tiny bit jealous, but mostly because when I find clothes out in the wild they are just crap and she always finds super cool stuff. By the way, that little black dress you found was hot. So rock on, Lauri! I hope they put you up in a fancy hotel and you jump on the bed and order lots of room service!

Friday, August 03, 2007

New photos at The Traveling Pineapple

I have posted some pictures on The Traveling Pineapple and they are all about meat. Yum.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Kids today are wimps

So Mattel has to recall 967,000 toys in the U.S. (and 1.5 million worldwide) that were made in China because they are covered in lead paint. Well, you get what you pay for. Companies decide that it is better to get goods from countries like China that sell their goods on the cheap, but then you end up with poison dog food, poison toothpaste, and toys covered in lead paint. I could go on and on about how this just proves that if you want products that meet your minimum standards for quality, you should get them from a country that has some regulations. Not to mention the fact, that our economy might be better if we employed our own instead of farming everything out to other countries. But what really comes to mind is how kids today are wimps. I mean they are playing with toys that look like this:

These toys are made out of cheap soft plastic and have no sharp edges. What are kids going to learn from that? The world is full of sharp edges! My toys were hard and often made out of metal or fiberglass. It was spectacular when the sit-n-spin broke. It went from a fun, spin-'till-you-throw-up toy to a deadly weapon in an instant. The sit-n-spins they make today bend when you try to spin. How can you get yourself dizzy enough to puke on something that you can't even spin on? No fun there.

One of the big debates from my childhood was the whole Big Wheel vs. Green Machine controversy. We would have races to see which one would go faster. We would race down big hills and often wipe out because the Big Wheel had no brakes and the Green Machine's brakes would throw you off if you were going too fast. I guess kids have to ride their cheap plastic Big Wheels and Green Machines wearing a helmet on flat surfaces.

All of this talk of helmets leads me to bikes. When we went to ride our bikes, we weren't reminded to wear our helmets because we didn't have them. We were simply told to be home before dark. Now kids have to be loaded up with helmets and padding just to get on a bike. They look like Ralphie from A Christmas Story. Truth be told, I can't drive a car when I am wearing a hat. I know that sounds crazy, but it is true. So I bet I can't ride a bicycle with a helmet on. I would have been screwed. Besides the only serious scar I have from bike riding is on my elbow. Wearing a helmet wouldn't have stopped that. But I am guessing that the helmet would have impaired my bike riding so my injuries probably would have been much worse.

A few years ago, they repaved the roads by The Pineapple Parents' house and left that weird gravel top that eventually wears down. Some of the neighbors were complaining because it posed a danger to their bike riding kids. I don't think my parents ever whined about the crappy roads when I was a bike riding kid -- and the roads were a lot worse then. These whiners had the same dangerous toys that I had and they grew up to be whiny wimps. What went wrong? No doubt their kids are on the fast track to wimpiness.

Of course, we didn't have cable with thousands of channels, tons of video games, or the Internet to dull our minds. We had to entertain ourselves. Without these electronic Prozac devices we had energy to burn and our parents preferred we went outside to do that. When you get sent outside to play, you have to get creative. Riding your bike and playing on the swing set has its limits on fun. You have to make up games. This often led to things like pretending to be Evel Knievel, jumping off of the refrigerator (flips were encouraged) and other dare devil stunts. Do kids today watch Dora the Explorer and then go out side to compare helmets before they ride their bikes under the watchful eyes of their smothering mothers? I can't imagine them building forts and jumping ramps on their bikes. The Pineapple Parents have a neighbor that paid someone to come and put special soft stuff under the playscape so their kids wont fall in the dirt. Personally, I thought it was a rite of passage to get that little scar under your chin from jumping off the swing and landing badly.

Now I'm not suggesting that parents put their kids in harm's way. My parents never did. But then again you need to figure out that the stove is really hot and that rotten plywood you found in the creek does not make a good bike ramp on your own. I told my cousin over and over that she would get hurt if she jumped of the fridge, but she didn't believe me until she landed on her head. The first couple of jumps she did easy tricks like Texas Ts. It was the flip that got her. After she hit her head, she was done jumping off of the refrigerator. See, lesson learned. No parents had to tell her not to do that again. Her kids may have those crappy soft plastic toys, but they also play tackle football in the living room. She encourages this behavior. I know this because I have seen the videos. Her kids are not wimps.

A Legion of Doom Update

If you don't know about The Legion of Doom, here is the short story. When I got my law license in 1999, it was signed by all of the members of the Texas State Supreme Court and every single one of them is an asshat. You might be saying: "I don't live in Texas, so why should I care what your evildoers are up to. We've got our own evildoers to worry about." Well, you may have your own evildoers to worry about, but these evildoers are wired into our asshat administration (i.e. Nathan Hecht, Priscilla Owen and Alberto Gonzales). You should be worried.

Here is the update on what a couple of these asshats are up to:
1. Nathan Hecht: You may remember him as Harriet Miers' ex-lover. Baby Boy Bush asked this asshat to work to get Ms. Miers appointed to the U.S. Supreme Court. Well, even the rabid republicans in Texas realized that his behavior was unethical and violated the Judicial Rules of Conduct. This in itself is amazing. He hired a really expensive attorney to represent him and when he got the bill he asked that the State of Texas pay him back! No one told him to hire an attorney that costs more than the average home in Texas. Well, his buddy Representative Tony Goolsby introduced a bill to do just that. However, Rep. Goolsby had the good sense to withdraw his bill when he discovered that Hecht's legal bills had already been paid via donations from some friends. It turns out these friends were big law firms (that frequently practice in front of the Supreme Court) and the total donations for the legal defense totaled $447,000. The legal bill he wanted the State of Texas to pay for was $330,000.

2. Alberto! I love to write about Alberto! At this point, the only thing that will stop this asshat from spreading the evil is sponateous combustion. Now F.B.I. director Robert S. Mueller III, has told the Senate that Alberto lied about the confrontation about the secret spying program that he testified about on Tueday. Alberto says it was a different program and not the N.S.A. program known as the Terrorist Surveillance Program (T.S.P.). Mueller and numerous other people that were present for the meetings say it is T.S.P. and not some "other program". Hello, perjury charges! Aren't you glad it is his job to uphold the law because he is doing an outstanding job!