Here comes Santa!

On Christmas Eve, do you ever wonder where Santa is? Well, thanks to your tax dollars and NORAD, you can track his progress. Just go to NORAD Tracks Santa to see where he is. Obviously, they haven't come much further than playing War Games with Matthew Broderick circa 1983.

tags: Our tax dollars at work NORAD Santa Christmas

Why doesn't god have better graphics?

And his music is really lame, too. Left Behind is a un-hip new game about an army of christians killing non-believers. AOL calls it a "positive moral message." How sweet. Killing people always has a positive moral message in my mind. So, if you want to kill non-believers with crappy graphics and really bad "religious" music, then this should be your christmas gift to yourself. God wants you to kill, kill, kill.

tags: Video Game Left Behind Kill Kill Kill

Here are somethings that I learned today

You know that federal excise tax on your phone bill? That was created to tax the rich people that had telephones to pay for the Spanish-American War. Just in case you are fuzzy on your history, it happened in 1898. Guess it has been paid off because they are taking it off the phone bill and if you can apply for a refund on your 2006 federal income tax form. Next on the agenda: dealing with the local excise tax. Assholes.

Did you know that when a man says he did all of the dishes, that it really means that he did all of the dishes he needed to cook his food?

tags: Federal Excise Tax Phone Spanish American War

Legally Blind? Well, that shouldn't stop you from hunting!

Well, at least not in Texas. Under Texas law, legally blind people are allowed to hunt under the supervision of a sighted person. However, no hunters are allowed to use laser sights. Apparently the light makes the animals stand still while you shoot them. Where is the sport in that? Well, Rep. Kuempel thinks that the legally blind should be able to use such sights while they hunt (you must carry proof that you are legally blind). Apparently there is some powerful contingent of legally blind hunters in Texas and he is taking up their cause. I had no idea. The Texas Concealed Handgun Association supports this legislation (no doubt other organizations will as well). What this has to do with your right to carry a concealed handgun in Texas I have no idea. I'm just glad that the our law makers will be taking up this and so many other important issues next session.

tags: Texas Politics Concealed Handgun Kuempel Legally Blind Hunters Laser Sights

These are my people

 

New Public Enemy Number One: Metal Detectors

I know. It sounds crazy, but the Travis County Commissioners Court has banned all metal detecting in county parks. Why, you ask? Because they may disturb antiquities. If these alleged antiquities are so damned important, why isn't the county actively looking for them? Just to make this clear, they aren't and they never have made any effort to do so. Really, the most valuable thing you could find in a park around here would be an arrowhead or dinosaur bones. Metal detectors don't even register that. These hobbyists are out there with their hand spades digging up lost change for the most part. It isn't like they are digging up the parks with a backhoe or anything. I say if the county is worried about money, make them buy a permit and fill up the hole they dig. What a waste of taxpayers money to spend hours discussing this issue when Travis county has real problems like an overburdened EMS and stupid toll roads ruining people's ranches. Get a life and get to some real work, assholes.

tags: Travis County Commissioners Court

Today is Born to be a Smartass Day

The following smartasses were born on this day:
Jonathan Swift (1667) - remember "A Modest Proposal"? You know, when he suggested eating children to end famine?
Mark Twain (1835) - the original smartass of American Literature
Sir Winston Churchill (1874) - a terribly drunk smartass

So if you aim to have smartass children, November 30th would be a good day to induce labor.

tags: Jonathan Swift Mark Twain Winston Churchill

R.I.P. Fast

I'm going to miss you, Fast. I loved to stop and talk to you at the store and at LBI. You always had a funny story for me, you taught me a thing or two about the Astros, and you were a rockin' dancer. The 'hood is less interesting without you here stirring up trouble, playing your scratch off games in front of the RS, and hanging out at your second home the longbranch.

I don't know what kind of monster would roll Fast like that. I hope it is a good trade -- the few bucks Fast had on him in exchange for a life in prison. Because that's where you are going. You killed someone that had a lot of friends that want to see you go to jail. He may have been a way for you to get a few crack rocks, but he was family to us.

Boo hoo, Karl Rove

Looks like America took out the trash last night. Wish they would have done that in my state too. I can't believe we have another 4 years of that prick for a governor. But anyway, it was fun to watch the Republicans lose all the scandal ridden seats and then lose the House across the board. Poor Baby Boy Bush has to deal with Nancy Pelosi. That can't turn out in his favor. And props to the first female Speaker of the House. Ha ha, Karl Rove you had to tell BBB what losers the Republicans are. I'm hoping that the senate races in Montana and Virginia go blue...

And another 3 slaps in the face for the losers:
1. South Dakota rejected the ban on virtually all abortions. Of course, that pretty much is the case since there is only one doctor providing this service for the whole state...
2. Arizona defeated the ban on gay marriage!
3. Missouri approved stem cell research.

Maybe people are getting tired of a bunch of criminals forcing their so called morality on our personal lives...

tags: Na na na na hey hey hey goodbye! Politics Elections Democrats Republicans House Senate Bush Pelosi Rove South Dakota Abortion Arizona Gay Marriage Missouri Stem Cell Research

Green vs. Rose, the rematch

In 2002, Patrick Rose defeated State Rep. Rick Green. Today was the rematch. Not at the polls because Rick Green isn't even on the ballot, but in front of them. Rep. Rose was greeting voters at the Sunset Canyon Baptist Church in Dripping Springs when Rick Green came up and assaulted him. Way to hold on to a grudge. Awesome.

Go vote today

Today is your last chance to vote. And if you don't vote, then you have no business complaining about what is going on the in the world.

Another Reason to go VOTE

If the 13 scariest people don't scare you, then I don't know what will. Go vote so that we can get people like this out of our lives, behind bars, banished to another country, etc.

Things I learned today

This morning I was watching Faux News and learned some very interesting things:
1. Madonna is a horrible person because she should have adopted an American baby. But its alright for Angelina Jolie??? I don't get it.
2. Where you shop and what you drink is indicative of your political party. For example, Chevy driver, gun owners and bourbon drinkers tend to be Republican. Target shoppers and gin drinkers tend to be Democrats. So, I shop at Target and like bourbon (just the thought of gin makes me want to puke). What does that make me?
3. There is an epidemic of pet obesity. They've put out a challenge for you to teach your dog to give into the hype that you can never be too thin...
4. When assholes like Michael McCaul (my Republican representative that NEVER writes me back when I send him letters) start talking about securing the Mexican border (you know, the $4 billion fence that you can climb with a $10 ladder), it makes it much more tolerable to listen to Black Velvet Flag's "Institutionalized". Lounge Punk Rock really takes off the edge.

tags: Fox News Madonna Chevy Guns Bourbon Target Gin Republican Democrat Pet Obesity McCaul Black Velvet Flag

Euro Disney is Dirty

I don't really know what is up with that snowman character because we don't even have that in America. Dirty French snowman guy...

tags: Euro Disney

If you live in Texas

and you are registered to vote. Get out there and do it. Early voting started today. You have until November 3rd. Click here to find out where to go. I'm sure you will need to go grocery shopping before then. Why not vote and pick up a loaf of bread? It is as simple as that. The more people that vote, the less likely we will see Rick Perry back at the mansion. So take a friend.

Do you like Rick Perry?

I hope not. If you are like most Texans, you do not want him reelected. According to most polls, he is in the lead with about 30% give or take a few percentage points. That means that 70% or so of the people polled don't want him back. So what now? The democrats need to get it together. While Kinky's campaign has been fun and pointed out some serious flaws with the current political system in Texas, it is time to really think this out. Every person that votes for Kinky is voting for Perry. Let's face it, we live in a "red" state. If you add Carole Four Name's votes to Perry's that comes to roughly 50% of those polled. So, that means that Chris Bell, Kinky, the Libertarian candidate and undecided voters are basically splitting what's left. Hypothetically, if Kinky dropped out of the race Chris Bell would likely pick up a lot of his voters, putting him in a tight race with Rick Perry. So if Perry can push some of his voters to Carole Four Names and Chris Bell can convince the unconvinced and some of Kinky's followers we could have a new governor. Now it is up to Texans to show their disapproval of Rick Perry by going to the polls and voting. It only takes a few minutes of your time. Early voting is from October 23rd to November 3rd. Click here to find a polling location in your county. The general election is on November 7th.

tags: Texas Politics Vote Governor's Race Bell Perry Strayhorn Kinky

It's been fun Kinky

But it with less than a month to go, it is time to get serious about this governor's race. While he is undoubtedly the king of one liners, he has some pretty scary ideas about how to run Texas into the ground. He want martial law in the border towns to stop illegal immigration. He wants to put college kids on the board of regents to lower tuition costs. Now, I'm not saying that some of those old white guys don't need to get kicked off that board, but I don't think putting a bunch of 18 year olds in charge is going to make it any better. I watched the debate and he didn't have any realistic answers to solve the problems that face Texas and he spent most of his time talking about how politicians are many ticks or some such nonsense. I think I have to agree with Chris Bell, Kinky should drop out of the race because a vote for Kinky is a vote for Rick Perry. There is no run off, who ever gets the most votes wins.

tags: Texas Politics Governor Kinky Perry Bell

Not only is Rick Perry a liar

Just a few things about the current governor's performance during the debate:

Not only is Rick Perry a liar, but his hair is in serious decline. During the debate, he told lie after lie about all of the great things he did. My favorite was the $12,000 pay raise for the teachers of Texas. What a load of bullshit. The state will kick in between $1500 to $2000 and the school districts were told to kick in the other $10K. As for the alleged property tax reductions? Well that was made possible by creating new taxes and raising other taxes. Not really much of a tax break is it when it is just shuffled some where else. I also enjoyed his speech about the Trans-Texas Corridor. Despite his claims, the people of Texas never voted to approve the largest taking of private lands ever. But hell it is only 9000 square miles, so what the hell? Those farmers don't really need that land anyway to make a living. I think this was the point when I threw my shoe at the TV. So, if you like liars you should vote for this asshole because you are an asshole too.

tags: Texas Politics Governor Perry

No way granny

After watching the Gubernatorial Debate, MOTL informed me who Carole Four Names looks like. Granny goodness. The god of child abuse. Her power? Seducing children to the dark side. Voting for her is like voting for the dark side. Don't do it.

tags: Texas Politics Governor

Boycott South Dakota

Not that I really ever had much of a desire to go there, but I will never go to South Dakota. Lawmakers passed a law that basically outlaws all abortions and the governor signed it. However, there were enough sane people that signed a petition that will put it to the people's vote in November. Under this law there is not even an exception for rape victims or if the pregnancy threatens a mother life. Apparently, the only thing you can do under this law is take the morning after pill. Other wise you get to have an unwanted child. It is almost impossible to get an abortion in South Dakota. There is only one clinic that provides abortions and the only doctor that provides abortions flies in one day a week from Minnesota. Isn't that enough of a hurdle to making decisions about your own body? This is just one more reason to never go there. On the otherhand, maybe we can turn South Dakota into the Isreal of right wing christians. Can we make them all live there, then this wouldn't be a problem.

tags: South Dakota Sucks

Ssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Georgetown is set to pass a new noise ordinance that is way out of control. The limits for daytime is 63 decibels. A dishwasher or a normal conversation comes in at 60 decibels. The limit for night is 56 decibels. So does that mean that you can't run your dishwasher at night? And if the cops can hear a car stereo from outside of the car, they can issue a $100 ticket. Doesn't that sound like a fun place to live?

tags: Texas Georgetown Noise Ordinance

Alcoholism is an excuse for anything

So am I to believe that Mark Foley sent inappropriate emails to a 16 year old because he is an alcoholic? Get real, asshole. Or maybe because he was molested? Shouldn't that mean he knows how shitty it is to be buggered by old geezers. And now he is out of the closet. Great, so now closed minded idiots can say that all gay men are child molesters. Mark Foley is a disgrace to humanity and the GOP has aided and abetted his disgusting crimes against a child by covering it up for a year. What ever happened to the GOP's push for family values? What a crock of shit. So many are willing to force their morality onto others but refuse to believe that it applies to them. I hope he rots in jail. You know what happens to child predators in prison? Often times they get shanked. Criminals see them as the lowest of the low. Happy shanking ass wipe.

tags: Mark Foley is an asshole

Bank of America Sucks

You don't want to verify the validity of a check from a Bank of America account unless you want to risk spending the night in jail. Just ask Matthew Shinnick. While the Supreme Court has ruled in the past that there is no liability for reporting suspected crimes, I think there should be a point where the line is drawn. My question is why did they jump the gun? I think there is a point where you should have some liability. They could have gotten the whole story without forcing Mr. Shinnick to spend the night in jail and spending thousands of dollars just to clear his name. And I think they should pay for the legal costs on moral grounds even though they may not be legally liable. Clark Howard has taken up his cause. Go to his site to see what you can do to help. So far Clark's listeners have withdrawn over $22 million from BOA accounts.

Here is an except of the story from Clark's site. How the Bank of America blunder went down:
By now, you've probably heard the story of the San Francisco man who was arrested and jailed when he tried to verify the validity of a check at Bank of America branch. Clark found out about this story and talked with the man, Matthew Shinnick, who has spent about $14,000 in legal fees to clear his name. It all started when Shinnick posted two bicycles for sale on Craigslist and received a check from a man for more than the cost of the bicycles. He went into his bank to see if the check was legitimate and verify that there was money in the person's account. He was told it was a valid account and so he cashed the check. At that point, BOA employees called the police and Shinnick was arrested on fraud charges because the check was actually a phony. He had no idea that the real criminal had used the name of a legitimate company to fake a check. So, Matthew sat in the bank branch for hours while police figured out what to do and then spent the night in jail. Once he got out, he wanted to clear his name legally so the arrest would not come back to haunt him. He had to hire attorneys to do this and it cost him nearly $14,000. He then went to Bank of America and asked that the bank cover his fees because it was the bank's error. But so far BOA has refused. This kind of treatment sends the message that banks only care about their bottom line and nothing about their customers. It's unacceptable and it's time to fight back.

tags: Matthew Shinnick Bank of America Clark Howard

I hate Pizza [Updated]

Alright, I'll be a little bit more clear. I hate pizza places that have changing delivery boundaries. How can Conan's on 29th deliver to my house one week and not another? What kind of crap is that? I also hate Papa John's because they can't make a pizza with no cheese on half. What is the difference between cheese and other pizza toppings? It isn't like making pizza is like brain surgery or any thing. This evening MOTL and I had to take three different pizza places to task for not knowing where they deliver, changing where they deliver, and their inability to make a pizza without cheese on half. I suggest that if you want to let off some steam, you just call a pizza place that doesn't deliver to your house or try ordering a pizza without cheese on half from Papa Johns. You can get really angry and chew out some idiot stoner. Enjoy!

UPDATE:
Here is the response I got from Customer Service On Sep 29, 2006, at 9:32 PM, Consumer_Services@papajohns.com wrote:


Thanks for the great feedback! Your compliments have been forwarded onto
the appropriate people for review and I am sure they will enjoy them as
much as we did.
Thanks again and have a great day!

Sincerely,

Consumer Services Team

And this is my reply:

I'm not really sure why you thought that my complaint was a compliment. I find it interesting that my informing you of my terrible experience with Papa John's is enjoyable. This is just one more reason why I feel like your company should make some internal changes. I find it abhorrent that you find my displeasure with your service to be so fantastic.

Have a great day!

tags: Pizza Conans Papa Johns

Katrina, the neverending saga of destruction and corruption

On Monday night, MOTL and I were watching the Saints game. I am still baffled as to why they put Monday Night Football on a cable channel. But then again, I really don't care much about Monday Night Football (or professional football in general). But I digress. Anyway, there were all of these feel good comments about the symbolism of reopening the Superdome and how the Saints' victory was a metaphor for the recovery of New Orleans. For the most part I found it boring, but then little pieces of real information would slip out. It is real nice and all that the Saints are back in the Superdome, but if it was so important and profitable, why didn't Tom Benson pay for it? Why was FEMA money used? Why did they dedicate all of those man hours to rebuild a stadium when people don't have a place to live (I guess people can stay at the Superdome during away games)? And thank god that Hilton rushed everything so that they could provide the football players with a place to live (I guess they can't afford their own homes?). Even Spike Lee was talking about how the Superdome could save New Orleans. Are you kidding me? I lived in New Orleans for three years, I understand that tourism is a big part of the economy. But let's face the facts, the Quarter was basically untouched and how many people go to NO to see the "Aints"? I know I never went to see them when I lived there. The only time I went to the Superdome was to see the monster truck show. Honestly, that place should have been ripped down because it wasn't very nice before it got destroyed.

and in other news of sketchiness... State Farm is now suing two former employees for turning over evidence that it tried to avoid paying claims by manipulating engineering reports on homes damaged by Hurricane Katrina. I'm sure what they did was illegal, but what State Farm did was much worse. On the scale of justice do you illegally turn over information that proves more law breaking or do you sit back and watch the insurance companies rip people off and destroy lives?

tags: New Orleans Superdome Saints Tom Benson Katrina State Farm

The Most Honest Speach Ever Given By Bush

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

RIP Don Walser

Now there was a man that could yodel. I just don't understand how Austin can be kept weird when all of the weirdos keep leaving us. I used to love to see Don Walser play. And he played gigs well after he could get around without a lot of help from his wife. That is a true musician. Playing for the love of the music even when it was obviously very difficult to even get to the show. Occasionally, he would autograph photos. I still have the one he gave to me. It reads: "To __________. Smile! The sunshine is good for your teeth! Love, Don Walser" The last time I saw him play was at a friend's wedding reception a few years ago. I'm glad I went to say howdy and to tell him how much I loved his music and that I still had the photo he signed for me. One of the band members pulled me aside and told me that he had seen him sign a lot of photos, but none of them ever had that message. That just makes it more special. Don, you were a bad ass!

tags: Don Walser Keep Austin Weird Yodel

Spain, you are the bane of fashion's existence

People are still bitching about Spain's new rules about models. What a novel idea that someone should be healthy to do their job (especially one that is based on body appearance). My favorite is the bitch in the US with some modeling agency that is whining about how this new rule excludes models that are naturally thin and gazelle like. There is nothing natural about being able to see someone's bones poking through their skin. I think the medical term for that is: Eat or die! Cocaine, cigarettes, coffee, and laxatives are not food groups. OK, I'm done for now...

Some things I learned today

There are a lot of cases of Polio in India. Apparently there is an urban legend that the vaccine is birth control that Westerners devised to stop the procreation of Muslims. That is a pretty sad statement about how we are viewed around the world.

Scarlett Johansson is not only happy with her curves, she would like to switch places with the President for the day. Anything would be better at this point. And I bet she would not have sent former commerce secretary Donald L. Evans to represent President Bush at Ann Richards' memorial. What an ass wipe. He could have at least sent someone that still works for him.

And Rachael Ray is annoying. Duh.

tags: Polio India Muslims Scarlett Johansson Bush Ann Richards Rachael Ray

just so you know

I don't feel like blogging. I'll get back to you.

Where is Homeland Security When You Need Them?

I mean it is obvious that the terrorists are now attacking Popeye by targeting his power source. They have hit us where we are most vulnerable, our spinach supply. Next thing you know, they are going to put Kryptonite in our water supply. Come on people! Get with it!

tags: Homeland Security Spinach Popeye Superman Kryptonite

I'm going to have to let you go...

That's what I had to do to 3 people today. That sucks.

tags: You're fired

I hope there are no silver feet or bushes wherever she is

I'm really sad because Ann Richards died. I remember the first time I met her. It was when she was campaigning to be County Commissioner in Travis County. She was block walking and I was lucky enough to answer the door. Because I wasn't supposed to open the door for strangers, I talked to her through the screen door. I liked her so much I told her that I had named my cat, Annie, after her. Of course, I had the cat before I had even heard of Ann Richards (but she was just that impressive). When she asked how old I was I showed her by holding up my hand. I was so little that I had to hold my hand like this:

A few days later, I got a note in the mail from her telling me how much she enjoyed meeting me and that she was honored that I had named my cat after her. I still have that note. What was really incredible was that the next time I met her, I was 21 and when I told her that the last time I met her I was this many (holding up my hand the same way I did when I was 3) she said she remembered that I had named my cat after her. What a great lady.

Ann Richards' quotes

"Poor George, he can't help it — he was born with a silver foot in his mouth."
— Keynote Address to the 1988 Democratic National Convention

"Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out."
— Recommendation to former president George H. W. Bush in 1992.

"Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did. She just did it backwards and in high heels."

"If you think taking care of yourself is selfish, change your mind. If you don't, you're simply ducking your responsibilities."

"I have very strong feelings about how you lead your life. You always look ahead, you never look back."

"But I'll tell you something sort of interesting. There's something, you know, there's something a little scary about funny women. Well, they're threatening. And there was a survey done one time where they asked women what they were most afraid of from men. And the -- their response was they were most afraid of being hit or beaten or hurt from men. And they asked men what they were most afraid of from women, and they said being laughed at. "

"The public does not like you to mislead or represent yourself to be something you're not. And the other thing that the public really does like is the self-examination to say, you know, I'm not perfect. I'm just like you. They don't ask their public officials to be perfect. They just ask them to be smart, truthful, honest, and show a modicum of good sense."

"And the state of Texas, when I was governor, we built an awful lot of prisons. And to be frank with you, I made a deal, and the deal was that I would help pass the legislation and be for building a lot more prisons in Texas if I could get rehab programs for people who were alcoholics and drug abusers because I knew that over 80 percent of the crime committed in Texas was committed by people under the influence of alcohol or drugs. And unless you treat that alcoholism and you treat that drug addiction, when they go right back out on the street, you got a drunk or you've got an addict that is going to commit a crime again. "

"I am delighted to be here with you this evening because after listening to George Bush all these years, I figured you needed to know what a real Texas accent sounds like."
- 1988 keynote address, Democratic National Convention

"I thought I knew Texas pretty well, but I had no notion of its size until I campaigned it."

Ann Richards on How to Be a Good Republican:
1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.
2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.
3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.
4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.
5. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.
6. You have to believe...everything Rush Limbaugh says.
7. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.
8. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.
9. You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.
10. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.
11. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.
12. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.
13. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.
14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
15. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.
16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.
17. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.
18. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher."

"Teaching was the hardest work I had ever done, and it remains the hardest work I have done to date."

tags: Ann Richards

Sex is dangerous

Well, at least some sex toys are, says Greenpeace. I am so tired of people making things out of toxic materials. It is just stupid.

tags: Sex Toys Toxic Greenpeace

Terrorism

Since I like to get my morning entertainment news from Faux News Network, I hear some hilarious things. They have really been pushing this whole thing about Bush talking about how we are safer because of his administration, but that we still aren't safe. They quoted some poll that 30% of the people questioned believed that they were at risk of being attacked by terrorists where they live. For real? Let's put this in perspective. Most of the horrific things that have happened in this country, we have done to ourselves (Civil War, Oklahoma City Bombing, Unibomber, Kent State, etc.). Since become an independent nation we have suffered very few outside attacks: The War of 1812, The Japanese bombing Pearl Harbor and invading Alaska, a not so huge bombing of the World Trade Towers, and "9/11". That isn't much considering we have been pissing people off around the world for 230 years. I suggest living someplace that has actual bombings everyday before you go and say that we are in so much danger.

When I was in college, I wanted to go on a study abroad program to Israel and the Pineapple Mom absolutely forbade it because it was too dangerous there. Instead the Pineapple Parents financed a study abroad program in England. At this time, the IRA was going nuts with their car bombs. Of course, this wasn't so much on the news here because we never get good information from the mainstream media. My favorite was the day we were on the Tube and everybody was thrown off. Turns out there was a live bomb on the train. When we were being ushered out of the station, I asked what was going on and was told it was mechanical trouble. Yeah right, that's why they made us leave the station. But because I am a born smart ass, I sent the Pineapple Parents a postcard depicting the underground map and circled the stop I where we were ejected. I simply wrote: "The bomb was here." But the truth is, I was back riding trains that same day. Even after 9/11, I have never had any fear that I would be attacked by terrorists.

But getting back to our current situation just maybe we wouldn't be in so much "danger" if there was a different administration. Just a thought.

tags: Bush Terrorism Are We Safe? England Bomb IRA

I'm a guest blogger!

I be writing about banned books!

tags: Blog Banned Books Banned Books Cafe

Portales is horrible

Portales looks like it would be alright, but it smells like urine, shit and chemicals. On closer inspection there are dead birds everywhere. I hope I don't ever have to go back after I finish my work there.

tags: Portales New Mexico

I need help

This is something the Pineapple Mom calls a "memory test." There was a children's show that was in English and Spanish and it had a guy dressed up like a bee and another guy dressed up as a lion (as well as a cast of regularly dressed adults and children). Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

bleck!

I still have a bad taste in my mouth. Apparently, some of my fancy coconut body wash leaked in my travel bag. I was brushing my teeth before bed and the toothpaste got way too foamy and way too un-minty. I looked like I had rabies and I thought I was going to throw up. I thought stopping in Sudan the ultimate feed lot was sickening. But I can tell you that washing my mouth out with soap did not stop me from using foul language. Quite the opposite. Sailors would have been shocked.

tags: wash your mouth out with soap

V-day

Crocodiles all over the world have declared today V-day because their most notorious hunter, Steve Irwin is no more. It was a bittersweet victory as it was a stingray that caused his ultimate demise rather than the elite team of crocodiles that had been specially trained to hunt and devour their most well known predator. Many humans will miss the stupid and sometimes hilarious antics of The Crocodile Hunter. Jeff Corwin, his sissy counterpart, is generally found to be an unfit substitute because he hardly ever gets bitten or attacked by the animals showcased on his program. RIP Steve Irwin.

tags: The Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin Jeff Corwin Crocodile Stingray

My new favorite thing

Butterfish.

tags: Butterfish

RIP Nellie Connally

She was the last remaining survivor of those riding in the car when Kennedy was assassinated. According to the news story I read quoted her friend as saying Nellie's death was a "total surprise." Nellie Connally was 87. I just wish I had known that she was living in the old folks' home near where the Pineapple Parents live. I would have stopped in to visit her.

tags: Nellie Connally Kennedy Assassination

What song is this from?

My One True Love told me he was "perpetual" and I asked "a perpetual what?" His response was "I'm a mover, I'm a shaker, I'm an all night heartbreaker." Isn't this from a song?

tags: perpetual I'm a mover I'm a shaker I'm an all night heartbreaker

I would have paid money to see this (but I wouldn't want to be too close)

So, tonight The Pineapple Parents' dog was barking a lot so The Pineapple Dad went into the backyard with a flashlight and a can of Lysol. A certain neighbor has been complaining that the dog has been barking at their wildlife refuge they have going on in their backyard, but that is a different story. Anyway, The Pineapple Parents' dog was barking at a skunk. Luckily the skunk was on the other side of the fence so the dog couldn't kill it (the way he killed a possum that had the misfortune to come into the yard last week). The Pineapple Dad sprayed the skunk with the Lysol, right in the face! It freaked out and ran back to the neighbor's compost pile that it calls home.

tags: Backyard Adventures Skunks Dogs Lysol

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

The Scream has been recovered. How many times does that thing have to be stolen before they upgrade the security?

tags: Art The Scream Munch Norway

All I wanted was a Sprite

So, I'm in Corpus Christi (taking a break from New Mexico) today and I was really thirsty. I was too lazy to actually drive somewhere so I went to the horribly overpriced coke machine instead. I put in my dollar and pushed the button for Sprite and a Diet Pepsi came out instead. So I put in another dollar and pushed the Diet Pepsi button (hoping for a Sprite) and got a Diet Pepsi. So I decided to move on and get a Coke instead. I put in a dollar and pushed the Coke button and got a Diet Coke. At this point, the machine is a lost cause I go down to the lobby to tell my story. The woman at the front desk refunded my money (as she was giggling) and suggested I use the machine on the first floor. I guess by the time the coke machine guy gets to the 7th floor, he just doesn't care. I know I wouldn't.

tags: Travel Corpus Christi Sprite Diet Pepsi Coke Diet Pepsi I Just Want Something To Drink I'm Thirsty!

The miracle of life and other things Pineapple

For the past few days I have opted not to blog. Mostly because I have been busy, but also because I haven't seen much humor for the past few days. On Monday I turned 29. Today one of The Pineapple Cousins asked me "Again???" in a confused and accusatory tone. I'm just going to let that one pass... Anyway, Saturday I had friends over to celebrate another year of Pineapple. It was lots of fun and NO KEYS WERE LOST. On Sunday I met some Pineapple Friends for brunch and then a couple of hours later, The Pineapple Parents for a second breakfast. The plan for the rest of the day was to have lots of rest and relaxation. This was not to be. After a wonderful nap, my one true love and I decided to watch Laverne and Shirley make a mud pit and run around the backyard like lunatics. It was all very funny until everything went horribly wrong.

As The Ladies were racing through the yard, Laverne reached over and grabbed Shirley's collar and they went tumbling. The collar got wrapped around Laverne's mouth and Shirley couldn't breathe. I couldn't get the collar off so I ran inside and got the scissors. By the time my one true love could cut the collar off, Shirley had stopped breathing. Luckily we were able to revive her by winging CPR. I guess all those times asking if Annie was alright paid off. So the long and short of it is that I spent the beginning of this 29th year at the emergency vet with the miracle dog. The Pineapple Dad suggested we rename her Mercedes because she is so expensive. But if my dog is a Mercedes, I have no idea what that would make their dog. She is fine now and that is all that matters.

tags: Pineapple Laverne Shirley CPR Mercedes The Most Expensive Car in the World

No thanks, crazy possum lady

Katherine Harris and her ever growing boobs are in the spotlight once again. This time she had condemned the separation of church and state. She honestly believes that this is not what god intended and it keeps religious people out of politics. Last time I checked this nation has never had any atheist presidents.

Here is the best part of the article:

"Harris told the journalists "we have to have the faithful in government" because that is God's will. Separating religion and politics is "so wrong because God is the one who chooses our rulers," she said.

"And if we are the ones not actively involved in electing those godly men and women," then "we're going to have a nation of secular laws. That's not what our Founding Fathers intended, and that certainly isn't what God intended.""

Here is my are some of my questions:
1. Why did they let her out on the loose without her meds?
2. If the Founding Fathers didn't intend to separate church and state then why did they?
3. If God picks our rulers, why do we even bother with elections?

tags: Politics Religion Katherine Harris Boobs Possums

Back home (for at least five minutes or so...)

I am safely back in Austin, but apparently I was seen as some sort of threat in the Lubbock airport. First, I got a good grilling when I was checking my bag. Then when I took my bag to the place where they look at your stuff before they put it on the plane, I got questioned by them. By the way, that ugly pick bag I bought in Hobbs has been searched every time I have flown. Next to the security check point to get to the gate. I, like the other travelers, took of my shoes and put my laptop in the gray bins to be x-rayed. First they decided my pursue was suspicious and needed to be x-rayed again. Then the guy announced that I had a strange looking laptop. It is called an APPLE, dummy. So one of the TSA workers picked up my laptop like it was a funny looking bomb and tested it with that little wand thing to make sure it wasn't. Even though it passed the test she continued to pick it up, turn it over, and open and close it over and over again. I told her that she was more than welcome to turn the damn thing on to make sure it was a really computer (I mean it was "funny" looking) I even offered to do it for her. I thought I was going to get searched again before getting on the plane, but instead they randomly searched the guy next to me. His crime? Standing next to me and my funny looking computer.

tags: Travel Texas Planes Security TSA Apple Computers on a Plane

Ever hear the expression "Pick a Horse and Stick with it?"

Apparently the astronomy community hasn't. I wake up this morning to find out that Pluto is no longer a planet. But maybe it is a "dwarf planet." So if it is a dwarf planet, wouldn't that still make it a planet? I thought when they started this whole planet definition thing, that we would be getting more planets. Guess not. So what are the schools going to do? Buy lots of Sharpies to black out the part about Pluto in all of the science books???

tags: Planet Space Pluto Astronomy

Today is brought to you by the letter "S"

Ever since I blogged about seeing Snakes on a Plane, my "s" key sticks and it types out multiple esses. Fuck.

Plan B

I'm not really sure what happened over at the FDA, but they approved Plan B for over-the-counter sales. I just figured it would take a different president being in office for that to happened. But I am not complaining because it way past time to make Plan B available to all women. Which they really didn't because you have to be over 18 to buy it. But under age girls will have an easier time getting their hands on Plan B than securing parental consent or a judicial bypass for an abortion. So even with the age restriction, it is a good thing.

Naturally, on Faux (Fox) News they said it terminates pregnancy. What bullshit. You don't know you are pregnant the next day. You do know that it is a possibility and that you don't want to be so you take the morning after pill. Admittedly it has been a while since I took "Health" (my junior year in high school) but I was under the impression that it took a little longer than 72 hours for an egg to be fertilized and successful be implanted in the uterus (maybe only grrrl can help me out here). But no matter how the science of it all works, it is just a matter of time before super-religious pharmacists refuse to sell Plan B because it is against their moral code.

tags: Plan B Morning After Pill FDA

Snakes in a Movie Theater

I'm glad that I didn't see "Snakes on a Plane" in Arizona because some asshole released rattlesnakes in the theater. Way to make a movie un-funny.

tags: Snakes on a Plane Arizona

Its 4:20

You know what that means? It means that it is time for the clerks to take a smoke break. One of the clerks was helping this sweet old lady research some property to settle her mother's estate (she was really old and it made me think her mother must have been ancient) and the clerk told her that she had to get back to her other work because she had a deadline of 4:20. I thought this was odd because the county clerk's office closes at 5:00. Then, about thirty minutes later I heard one of the clerks ask if they were ready to take a smoke break. It was exactly 4:20. I almost fell over from a fit of the giggles.

tags: Travel New Mexico Lovington

Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!

As usual, my life is chaos. However, I did manage to take a couple of hours off to see a movie at the movie theater. I can't remember the last time I did that. Of course, I lost my car key during that time. Whoever found my key and decided not to turn it in -- you suck. As for the movie, all I can say is: "I am mother fucking sick of these snakes on this mother fucking plane!" Samuel L. Jackson rules and so did the movie. It surpassed all of my expectations.

tags: Snakes on a Plane Samuel L Jackson

Elvis is everywhere

and if you find him alive, you can get $3 million. I am on the look out because $3 million would really help out.

I am so going to become a republican

I mean now that W has been on a hog, I mean how can I not vote republican? He has really won me over just by that one stunt. I mean just because he can hop on a Harley, I will totally change my politics.

tags: Bush Harley Davidson

It is monsoon season in West Texas

It is supposed to be dry, but instead it has been raining all night. It is still raining. What the hell? There are flash flood warnings for the area. No shit because everything fills up with water any time it rains. There is no place for it to go. Can't wait to drive to San Angelo.

tags: Texas Travel Its Raining Down in Texas

Doh! They got me!

So, its another fun filled week of travel. Today on the way to Monahans, I got caught in a speed trap. Luckily, this Pineapple can be quite charming (and the fact that one of the Pineapple Cousins is a trooper doesn't hurt) so I was let off with a warning. Whew! I wasn't even going all that fast, just about 5 miles over the speed limit. I guess they like to set up the trap right about where the speed limit changes from 70 to 80 to get some good ones.

Monahans was quite uneventful and I didn't even see anything that was interesting enough for a picture. Boo hiss. On the way back to Odessa I saw several things but the camera was in the back seat. I did see the sign for the Monahans Sandhills Park. I remember going there as a child and having a picnic. I guess it is a great place for that if you like "sand"wiches. Oh, ha ha!

No worries, I should see all sorts of interesting things tomorrow when I go to San Angelo. I bet you thought I would be going back to New Mexico. Well, so did I. But things change ever so quickly in my world. Maybe I will come across a Concho while I am there. We can only hope.

tags: Texas Travel Monahans Odessa San Angelo

Liquids on a Plane

So my trip home was way too exciting for me. As I was leaving Hobbs, it was quickly filling up with water. I almost didn't get out of that crap hole because the streets were really flooded. I'm glad I opted for the gas guzzling SUV. The rest of the drive was uneventful except that the whole time I was worried about missing my plane because the bad weather put me about an hour behind schedule. I finally got to the airport, returned the car, checked my bags, and made it through security. What a pain. The woman in front of me wanted to take her water with her. All I wanted was my lip balm that was in my suitcase and to make my plane. I had about twenty minutes to spare. I got some food and chugged a bottle of water because I was really thirsty. I was really stressed so I thought about taking a Xanax before getting on the plane but decided against it. Boy, did I make a mistake. That was the scariest plane ride I have ever been on. As we were climbing, the plane hit some really bad turbulence (remember that storm I left behind?). That made me nervous, but when the plane started dropping and the lights on the plane flickered on and off I was in full panic mode. It wasn't just me, there were a lot of people screaming. People talk about their whole life flashing before their eyes. I don't know what that is all about because I could think about was how I was going to die (either from the free fall of the plane and crashing to the ground or from the huge lightning right outside the window causing a spectacular fiery death). While it was only a few minutes of uncertainty about whether the plane was going to make it up, it felt like forever. When it the flight attendant came by to take my drink order, I asked for a coke with a lot of bourbon. When she came back to the back of the plane she had a huge fist of cash. People were buying their neighbors drinks and some people ordered more than one. My drink (Jim Beam with a splash of coke as per the flight attendant) was gone instantly. It was a long flight as people were really quiet and nervous. I tried to concentrate on my book but couldn't. I didn't realize how quiet the plane was until it landed and people finally relaxed. I have never been on a plane that emptied that fast.

tags: Travel Airplane Liquids on a Plane

Must See TV!!!

The debate for Texas Governor has been set for October 6! I can't wait for the circus. Kinky, Pretty Boy, Carole Four Names, and the unfortunately unknown Chris Bell (he isn't crazy enough to be governor) are all going to attend. Although I think the Libertairian and Green candidates should be invited to the circus. Why shouldn't they get the same oppurtunity to make a fool of themselves along with the other candidates? And all of you interested out-of-staters, they plan on broadcasting it on the web. I will give you updates as they come across the Pineapple News Desk.

tags: Texas Politics Kinky Perry Strayhorn Bell Libertarian Green Debate Governor

I've been almost everywhere

Sing along if you can. I've highlighted the places I've been. No doubt this blog entry will be updated as I go to more and more places (in Texas).

I've Been Everywhere (In Texas)
Geoff Mack (Texas Version Adapted By Brian Burns)

I was totin’ my pack along the dusty Amarillo road
when along came a semi with a high and canvas covered load.
“If you’re goin’ to Amarillo, Mack, with me you can ride,”
and so I climbed up in the cab and then I settled down inside.
He asked me if I’d seen a road with so much dust and sand,
and I said, “listen, bud, I’ve traveled every road in this here land...”

CHORUS:
I’ve been everywhere, man,
I’ve been everywhere, man,
I’ve crossed the deserts bare, man,
breathed the mountain air, man,
of travel I’ve had my share, man,
I’ve been everywhere.

I’ve been to Waco, Hico, Hondo, Navasota,
Winnsboro, Jacksboro, Hillsboro, Santa Rosa,
Austin, Houston, Galveston, Texarkana,
Frisco, Buffalo, Conroe, Corsicana,
Goliad, Groesbeck, Glen Rose, Red Oak,
Post Oak, Live Oak, Lone Oak, no joke...

REPEAT CHORUS

I’ve been to Krugerville, Pflugerville, Van Horn, Val Verde,
Brackettville, Bartonville, Beeville, Bulverde,
Bear Creek, Cedar Creek, Mill Creek, Mineola,
Maypearl, Monahans, Telephone, Tuscola,
Redwater, Round Rock, Round Top, Round Lake,
Sour Lake, Southlake, Springlake, for Pete’s sake...

REPEAT CHORUS

I’ve been to Greenville, Gatesville, Gainesville, Alameda,
Kerrville, Kellyville, Bastrop, Benavides,
Somerville, Smithville, Stephenville, Prairie View,
Luckenbach, Longview, Plainview, Idalou,
Justin, Junction, Panorama, Pasadena,
Angelina, and Lorena...see what I mean-a...

REPEAT CHORUS

I’ve been to Valley Mills, Pine Mills, Dime Box, Duncanville,
New Home, New Hope, New Deal, Liberty Hill,
Rockport, Rock Creek, Bridgeport, Brownwood,
Cleburne, Comanche, Cut & Shoot, Cottonwood,
Bayview, Bayside, Baytown, Bay City,
Falls City, Center City, Bridge City, what a pity...

REPEAT CHORUS

When it comes to travelin’ Texas, friend,
I’ve been everywhere.

tags: Texas Travel Geoff Mack Brian Burns

What a pain in my ass

In light the new anti-liquid and potential liquids rule, I had to go to hell on earth to get a new bag. Naturally, I bought a bunch of crap while I was here and always take my toiletries in my carry on. I just can't fit everything in my suitcase. I hate the terrorists because now I can't even take my chapstick on the plane. Damnit, my lips are chapped. Now that I've vented... back to work. It never ends.

tags: Terrorism Liquids Potential Liquids

Widespread Panic!

I woke up this morning and turned on the news to see what had been blown up in the middle east. Instead, I woke up to see everyone throwing away their lotion and shampoo. New public enemy number one: hair gel. They just can't stop talking about hair gel. And just in case you haven 't heard we are at terror level red (Britain is at "critical level" which sounds much more sophisticated that "red"). Thank god Bush and Blair are on vacation so they can react quickly! To show us that he is on the ball, Bush is going to Wisconsin to talk about the new terror threat. That makes so much sense. They aren't even going to let you take on drinks that you purchase inside the airport once you've passed security. I'm glad someone else agrees that airport coffee is not safe. I just heard it from the governor of Massachusetts, so I have it on good authority. Personally can't wait to fly out of Midland tomorrow. I'm sure they have taken this plot personally.

I was just about to publich this, when the "reporter" said the terrorist were going to blow up ten airlines! Shows you what I know because I thought they were going to blow up ten airplanes...

tags: Panic Terrorism Bush Airplane Travel Holy Shit We're All Going to Die!

Sore loser!

Lieberman is a big baby. He loses his primary so he becomes an independent? Suck it up. The people have spoken. They are tired of your droning voice and your pretend party affiliation. They don't want you anymore. Didn't you get the message when you lost??? Personally, I don't really care who wins that race as long as I don't have to listen to him speak ever again. Idiot.

tags: Politics Lieberman

I guess I'll have to cancel my camping trip

Unfortunately the camping ban near the Bush "Ranch" was held to be constitutional by a federal judge. There goes my summer vacation plans.

** I call it a "ranch" because he just cuts brush and rides his bike. The proper term is "property" because it is not used for raising horses, beef cattle, or sheep as per the definition of any Texan and Merriam Webster. So there.

Here we go again...

Tom DeLay is back at it. He says, "I will take the actions necessary to remove my name from the Texas ballot. To do anything else would be hypocrisy." Oh really? Is that why there were a few days in there when you weren't so sure if you live in Virginia or Texas? Of course, if I were from Sugar Land I would not claim that crap hole as my home.

I guess he is doing this to pass the time until his trial for laudering money and consipiracy starts.

tags: Texas Politics DeLay Sugar Land

Even the Mainstream Media is Snarky Sometimes

I'm not what sure what compelled me to click the link to this article but it was well worth it. Here is my favorite part of "Gibson Win Swayze Endorsement":

"Swayze is the first cast member of Dirty Dancing to publicly voice support of Gibson. There was no word on when Jennifer Grey or Cynthia Rhodes might weigh in.

Gibson, 50, did not star in Dirty Dancing or any other movie with Swayze.

It was unknown what Swayze's endorsement would mean to Gibson's plunging poll numbers, although, in general, ex-Dirty Dancing stars have not been considered vital to the forming of public opinion."

tags: Mel Gibson Patrick Swayze Jennifer Grey Cynthia Rhodes Dirty Dancing Nobody Leaves Baby in the corner

Eating in Hobbs

When you travel, eating is always an adventure. This Pineapple can only take so much junk food. Finding good food in small towns requires a bit of bravery. So on Saturday I decided I really wanted some breakfast tacos. I drove around until I found a place with lots of cars. When I walked in I knew I had found a good one because I was the only white person in there. And I had. I got the best bean and egg taco ever. And rebeccabobecca, it is better than our favorite taco joint in South Austin. No fooling! I have also included my new cutlery. Sometimes you need a fork and spoon so I went with Strawberry Shortcake. How cute!

tags: Travel Hobbs New Mexico Food Strawberry Shortcake

The Traveling Pineapple

Go see my pictures at The Traveling Pineapple.

bp = bad polluter

Shame on you bp. You haven't been maintaining your pipeline for seven years??? I bet you weren't even running cathodic. Do you know what that is? Do you even know what a pig launcher is? I'm not even sure that you know what a pipeline is. I do know that you don't know the first thing about transporting petroleum. A retarded monkey with brain damage would run your pipeline division better.

tags: Alaska Oil Pipeline bp British Petroleum

Millipedes and snakes, oh my!

Yesterday while I was waiting for the bats to come out, I saw all sorts of creepy crawlies. First, there was this millipede. I was sitting near some fellow Texans (one of them was a huge Kinky fan and told his wife that she should have let him wear his "Kinky for Governor" hat once he found out I was from Texas too) and we decided it was alright to take a picture since technically the bats had not come out yet.

But it gets better. When the bats started coming out there was some commotion to my right. This man was holding a baby rattlesnake and taunting his wife with it. Then he put it in his coke can. He was planning on stealing a rattlesnake. Someone got one of the rangers. When this idiot told the ranger that the snake was gone, a bunch of us pointed and said "the snake is in the can!" The ranger told him to hand over the can and guy said, "why can't I keep the snake?" What a fun pet, a poisonous snake. Now there's a pal to keep your feet warm at night.

On my way back to Hobbs I stopped to get gas in Carlsbad. And who was walking out of the store when I was going in? The wannabe snake stealer. Apparently I missed the big drama because he got into it in the store with some of the guys that reported him. He did get a hefty ticket and was really bitter about being reported. The people working at the store thought the whole thing was hilarious. I guess it isn't very often that people walk into your work place and get into an argument about snake stealing.

tags: Travel New Mexico Carlsbad Caverns Rattlesnake

Now doesn't that make you feel better?

Once upon a time, I went to Carlsbad Caverns. My grandfather and his awful wife took me and two of my cousins. We wandered around the caverns but only to stop and look at the things that she wanted to stop for. We did not get any souvenirs or take any pictures. Apparently a certain someone didn't think that was necessary. We finished looking at the caves about thirty minutes before the bats come out of the natural entrance and that certain someone told us it was time to leave. Isn't seeing the bats one of the reasons you go to the caverns? I hadn't given it much thought since then (as I tend to block out disappointments), but being this close to Carlsbad Caverns made me think about how much resented not being able to see the bat flight. So today, I righted that wrong. I wandered around the caves and saw the things I wanted to see, took lots of pictures (I bought a new camera just for that purpose), spent way too much money in the gift shop, and then I watched the bats. It was one of the best days ever. Unfortunately, they don't let you photograph the bats so I took the picture from their website to give you an idea of how wonderful it was.

And don't worry this is my last sappy blog because there was some good stuff that happened there. Just tune in for more Pineapple Adventures.

Just Do It

Just Do It

I tried to take a picture of my hand but it wasn't descriptive enough. They say a picture is worth 1000 words so I've picked a different picture to go with the tale of the bully table. I have had enough that table and its bullshit so I decided to beat the crap out of it. My knuckle turned black instantly. For a while I was afraid that it was broken. Despite the fact that it is solid metal and my hand is merely flesh and bones I think I gave that table a run for its money. So I've decided my next career will be table boxing. Stayed turned for Round 2 of Pineapple v. Big Metal Table...

Make it Happen

Make it Happen

Today was a fun day at work. I discovered someone else working on the same thing I am. I spent the rest of the day being sneaky by pulling books that don’t have anything to do with my work and spying on the other guy. Fun! In my subterfuge I ran across a really great name: Buena Vista Williams. “Beautiful Sight” Williams? Really? I thought my name was unusual…

So then I met these really cool guys that work out of Roswell. One of them told me that his wife was an alien and then we took a gum break together. No one has ever asked me if I had time to take a gum chewing break before. I just couldn’t pass that up even though I’m not much of a gum chewer. Turns out these guys were trying to figure out what I was up to! I got them on the subject of where they were from and it turns out one of them is from parts that I have family. Damn I’m good! I could start a career as an undercover agent…

tags: Lovington New Mexico Travel

I'm allergic to my work

Yesterday when I left the courthouse my hands and arms were covered with hives. I was afraid that it was my fancy new soap causing the hives, so I switched back to something else in my handy dandy travel bag. But today, not only were my hands and arms covered with hives, so was my face and neck. Damn I itch! Can I come home now? This is definitly not a "working vacation."

tags: Hives

Just another day in Court for Tommy

I'm really confused because the Republicans told me that Democrats were the ones who were so-called "flip floppers" or whatever their lingo is these days. But it seems like Tom DeLay keeps changing his mind. I thought a true Republican wouldn't do that. On Wednesday you still believe what you did on Monday no matter what happens on Tuesday. (Thanks Stephen Colbert) That's what our fabulous W does. But not ole Tommy. First he wanted to be re-elected so he ran in the primary and won. Then he resigned from the House and claimed to move to Virginia (flip-flop). He still has his house in Sugar Land and his wife lives there. Hmmm, does he live in Virginia or Texas? When the judge tells him he can't be removed from the ballot, he says he thinks he may run for his old seat (flip-flop). So he lives in Texas now, right? Wrong because he appealed the original decision (flip-flop). Got it so far?

The three-judge panel from the 5th Circuit upheld the original ruling. Does this means the Republicans are done with Tommy because the 5th Circuit is a lot like the Legion of Doom (a.k.a The Texas Supreme Court). In other words, the 5th Circuit is usually manipulated by the puppet strings better known as the Grand Old Party. So, what will Tommy's next move be? Will he appeal to the full 5th Circuit (maybe it was a case of bad/liberal judges) or to the Supreme Court? Your guess is as good as mine. But even if he doesn't appeal, we can still look forward to his trial for money laundering and conspiracy charges related to corporate cash during 2002 legislative races. What fun!

tags: Texas Politics Tom DeLay Virginia Sugar Land Republican Democrat Election

A working vacation?

What the hell is that, you ask? That is what Baby Boy Bush is calling his trip to his "ranch" in Crawford. I will do my best to refrain from my rants about how W is not a Texan and that he doesn't even have a real ranch so he should not call it that. But back to this concept of a "working vacation." Maybe it is a little bit of black and white thinking on my part, but I think you are either at work or on vacation. You can't do both at the same time. Of course, one could argue that his entire presidency has been a "working vacation". That is a discussion for another day. As a Texan, if I were to take one of these working vacations I would like to take mine someplace where it isn't over 100 degrees everyday. This is why Texans spend their free time at the pool, in the lake or in the ocean. It is really hot in Texas. Of course, if I were to have a ranch I would have some cattle. I guess my lack of understanding of ranching and working vacations can completely explain why I struggle to make a living and W is a world leader.

tags: Bush Crawford Working Vacation Texas

Would you like a cigar with that conspiracy theory?

Is Castro still alive? We haven't heard much from him and now this sudden surgery and still no one has seen him. I'm just wondering if he has been dead for a while and now they are working up to his official "death". My next question is if he is "dead" will travel to Cuba become legal, because if it does I think that would really take the fun out of going there.

tags: Castro Cuba

More about scuba diving in New Mexico

That's right I just can't quite drop this whole scuba diving in New Mexico. So, next time you are in Lovington, New Mexico you could try to visit Divers of New Mexico (like I tried to today) but they seem to be closed. I really wanted to talk to them about their scuba lessons. I was hoping to have a great story about how I got certified to scuba dive in New Mexico. But alas, there just weren't enough people that saw the irony to keep them in business.

tags: Travel New Mexico Lovington Scuba Diving

Do you scuba?

I haven't ever been, but now that I know that New Mexico is a hot bed for scuba diving I may take it up. I guess I was feeling really bad yesterday because I completely missed the scuba shop next to the health food store. Once I noticed it, it made me wonder if scuba diving is an ideal hobby to take up in a land locked state. I thought, "do they scuba in motel swimming pools?" Well, as it turns out New Mexico is a good place to scuba. All you have to do is get yourself to Blue Hole in Santa Rosa, New Mexico.

tags: New Mexico Travel Blue Hole Santa Rosa Scuba Diving

Health Food

I think I mentioned that I caught something gross from the airplane, airport, whatever. So after work, I went to the Albertsons to get some "get better provisions" (things like Tylenol and Gatorade). I saw the aisle for "Health Food" (it is on the same aisle with cereal) so I went to check it out. The only food on the aisle that was not cereal was Carr crackers and your run of the mill Matzo supplies and gefilte fish. I guess they didn't have an aisle for "Shit we think is weird 'round these parts". Needless to say, I wasn't having an overwhelming urge to be Kosher (especially since I'm not Jewish) so I stuck with the not healthy foods in the store.

But this was not my first run in with health food today. While in Lovington I saw that there is a health food store across the street from the courthouse. Everything had been in there so long that all of the labels were sun bleached. Something tells me that if that stuff has been there that long that the food isn't so healthy. Just a thought.

tags: Travel New Mexico Hobbs Lovington Health Food

I don't know who you are

but you are not my friend. Thanks you, anonymous traveler that gave me some nasty illness. Like flying to West Nowhere on two late planes and then driving another hour and a half after that wasn't enough. You have to go and spread your wealth of germs. Yuck. That being said, here is a quick run down of my adventures.

As the Pineapple Parents were taking me to the airport I realized that I was wrong about my departure time. I thought my plane was leaving half an hour earlier than it was (guess that's better than thinking it was later). Then as I was getting out of the car I managed to slice open my finger. I was waiting to check my bag when I realized that it was gushing blood. Thankfully, they had a band aid to give me. Going through security was quick and easy, so naturally my plane was 20 minutes late. Way to add an hour to my waiting time. After getting a book and something to drink, I heard my name over the loud speaker. Since I was on the phone with Pineapple Mom, I didn't know why or where I was supposed to go. How lucky, I went to the right counter by accident. Southwest was putting me on another flight so I would not miss my connection. Right on... to Dallas... to wait for over an hour for my really late connecting flight. I don't know what happened yesterday, but it really slowed me down.

Since it was so late in the day, this was the last flight of the day for the crew on this plane. I don't know if the flight attendant is always this punchy, but she really cracked me up. Usually, I totally block out the plane lessons or whatever they are. Here are some of the finer points of her speech:
1. Here on Southwest we have a special smoking section. Its on the wing so if you can light it, you can smoke it.
2. We do not expect a sudden drop in cabin pressure and if we did, we wouldn't have come to work today.
3. Should the cabin lose pressure, stop screaming, let go your neighbor's leg and pull down on the oxygen mask. If you are sitting by a child or someone acting like a child secure your oxygen mask before helping them.

After that, I drove through the dark Panhandle to the lovely town of Hobbs.

tags: Travel Texas New Mexico Hobbs Southwest Airlines

I'm in Hobbs, New Mexico

and I am tired. I will blog about my latest adventures in flying after I have had some sleep. Good night, Irene.

tags: Hobbs New Mexico Travel

The next edition of the Saturday edition

After all of the stupidity of my day, I was pleased to have a new fancy phone. I don't have to pay for ringtones because I can send songs from my computer directly to my phone. Cool! So naturally, I drove right past the pet store and went to the house to show my one true love my cool new gadget. After doing a quick clean up of the house, the Pineapple Parents stopped by with some dinner and then I remembered what I forgot to do. Get the dogs some food and pet tags. By the way, have I mentioned that I have the greatest parents on earth? The Pineapple Parents are cool.

So after the Pineapple Parents leave, I go to the pet store to get food and dog tags. Let's just start this part of the story with the idea that I'm not really sure that I ever want to go back there again. I get behind this complete idiot in the parking lot that stopped for a minute or so before every speed bump. By the time the dumbass decided it was safe to drive over the bump, there would be a pedestrian walking. More waiting. I'm not really sure what, if anything, was going on in that dumbass' head but after an unusually long wait to drive over the speed bump I finally took to the horn. That did nothing but cause more confusion. After that, I just accepted the fact that it was going to take longer to navigate the parking lot than to drive to the store.

I finally parked and went into the store. I picked up the food and grabbed a couple of fun toys for the ladies. I get to the counter and naturally the pet tag machine is broken. Of course. Then the guy in line behind me started telling me that the toys I bought were too big for puppies. I told him that he didn't even know what kind of dogs I have. Where do people get off?

Finally I went home and all was well.

The End

tags: Pineapple Puppies Pets Parking Lots