Monday night, the Pineapple Dad and I were discussing things we found while surfing the guide feature on the TV as we often do. I don't know why, but it is often a great source of hilarity. If it weren't for this past time, I would have never discovered the Korean and Mandarin Chinese Olympic Channels. We started out talking about Barack Obama's interview on Countdown with Keith Olbermann, but the conversation quickly deteriorated. So we begin flipping through the guide looking for the worst thing we can find when The Pineapple Dad tells me that if I am willing to stay up late enough I can watch Fair Game. I say, "what's that?" without really thinking. To which The Pineapple Dad replies, "Why its the biggest Cindy Crawford movie of all time!" After offering to read me the description of the movie (I passed because I remembered what movie he was talking about), The Pineapple Dad conceded that this may have been the only Cindy Crawford movie of all time. After the giggles brought on by the shear indignation that I didn't immediately remember that Fair Game was Cindy Crawford's best (or only) accomplishment in acting; I realized that everything I do, I come by it naturally. Inc ase you are wondering, by the end of the conversation, The Pineapple Dad has convinced himself that he needs to record this movie and watch it later at an "accelerated rate".Tuesday, September 09, 2008
This Explains So Much
Monday night, the Pineapple Dad and I were discussing things we found while surfing the guide feature on the TV as we often do. I don't know why, but it is often a great source of hilarity. If it weren't for this past time, I would have never discovered the Korean and Mandarin Chinese Olympic Channels. We started out talking about Barack Obama's interview on Countdown with Keith Olbermann, but the conversation quickly deteriorated. So we begin flipping through the guide looking for the worst thing we can find when The Pineapple Dad tells me that if I am willing to stay up late enough I can watch Fair Game. I say, "what's that?" without really thinking. To which The Pineapple Dad replies, "Why its the biggest Cindy Crawford movie of all time!" After offering to read me the description of the movie (I passed because I remembered what movie he was talking about), The Pineapple Dad conceded that this may have been the only Cindy Crawford movie of all time. After the giggles brought on by the shear indignation that I didn't immediately remember that Fair Game was Cindy Crawford's best (or only) accomplishment in acting; I realized that everything I do, I come by it naturally. Inc ase you are wondering, by the end of the conversation, The Pineapple Dad has convinced himself that he needs to record this movie and watch it later at an "accelerated rate".
Monday, September 08, 2008
Why The McCain/Palin Ticket Is Good For My Ass
Because I have lost 5 pounds since Mayor McCheese named The Runner Up as his running mate. Every time I go to the gym, there is a bunch of crap on the TV that I am not interested in so I find myself in front of the one with CNN. Then I start watching Mayor McCheese spouting off about how lobbyists aren't going to be running Washington if he wins even though they are running his campaign. Then I watch the lies The Runner Up is telling about the bridge to nowhere that she took the money for and spent on something else, the plane that she didn't sell on eBay but through an aviation broker at a loss, and the cook she didn't really fire. Then they both tell lies about Barack Obama.* And I get mad. Really mad. And then I think, "this fucking treadmill is going too slow." So I speed it up. And then I get mad about something else, but it is almost time for me to go so I add some time to the machine so I can watch that one last story. And then I get mad and speed up the machine some more. Since I am in a public forum, I can't throw shoes at the TV or cuss up a storm. Instead it becomes an angry walking frenzy. At this rate I am going to be a runner by election day. And I am wildly against running unless I am running for my life or towards a huge pile of cash. What assholes.
* For example, unless you make over $250,000 a year or own a corporation that shipped its jobs overseas you will not be paying higher taxes. You will get a tax cut under Barack Obama's plan. However, John McCain wants to count your benefits as taxable income. Thus, you will be "making" more but taking home less because you will be paying more in taxes.
* For example, unless you make over $250,000 a year or own a corporation that shipped its jobs overseas you will not be paying higher taxes. You will get a tax cut under Barack Obama's plan. However, John McCain wants to count your benefits as taxable income. Thus, you will be "making" more but taking home less because you will be paying more in taxes.
Sunday, September 07, 2008
The Runner-Up
Meet Sarah Palin, queen of the least populated state in the nation! The Republicans claim she is the most popular governor in the nation with a 90% approval rating! But what does it mean when you are the most popular big fish in the littlest pond? Really, not a whole lot. But the upside of the Runner-Up? Apparently she likes to give the people hugs everywhere she goes! Also, several people have said she is a VPILF. Now, that's hot!After months of bashing Barack Obama for his lack of experience, Mayor McCheese comes out of the gate with Sarah Palin, the Runner-Up. A choice that really hits this experience argument out of the park. The Runner-Up is a beauty queen turned politician. She has extensive experience running a town of less than 7,000 because she was on the city council of Wasilla, Alaska, from 1992 to 1996, then served two terms as mayor of Wasilla from 1996 to 2002. She was unsuccessful in her 2002 bid for Lt. Governor, but was elected Governor of Alaska in 2006. So what is the next career choice for someone running the least populated state for under two years? Well, Vice President of course. And as Steve Doocy of Fox News has so helpfully pointed out, her foreign affairs experience is extensive:
So now that we know that The Runner-Up is super qualified to take over should something happen to the 1000 year old Mayor McCheese, let's look at the moose meat and potatoes of what she stands for.*
The Environment: We should drill, drill, drill. That is how we make Alaska rich, I mean end our dependence on foreign oil. And greenhouse emissions and global warming are not caused by anything man does.
Women's Issues: Your body is not your own. The government will tell you what you can or cannot do with it. You have now become a vessel for my god.
The Economy: I will tell lies about "our opponent" so that you think that you will be harmed by his policies to make the tax system more equitable. We are all going to benefit from the tax cuts the top 1% get. You do not need your own, communist.
Personal Attacks: I can say what ever I want about you (now matter how untrue or snotty it is), but as soon as you question me that is sexism.
*I will discuss her "record" in a later post.
Friday, September 05, 2008
What Is Something I am Grateful For?
YouTube. Otherwise I would have to watch the O'Reilly Factor multiple times. And who could stand that? Why would I want to watch the O'Reilly Factor, you ask? Well, to see him interview Barack Obama. And how do I know that happened? Well, because I saw this headline this morning: Obama Meets O'Reilly: No One Dies! Here is part one of the interview (and no one dies):
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Mayor McCheese's Big Night Out!
Terror! War! Only Mayor McCheese can keep you safe from attacks that happened seven years ago. Or so say the Republicans through their "9/11 Tribute" and a not so rousing speech from Tom Ridge. Frankly, I don't even remember what he said. We were also treated to a cheesy video montage that had a not so subliminal message that Sarah Palin is a maverick. I think they used that word 68,546 times. Also, they played background music that sounded an awful like a bad version of the theme song from Dallas.
I absolutely loved the video introducing Candy McCain. Up until this point I thought she was a robot or possibly an alien. My theory changes from day to day. But that video changed my mind. She is definitely a robot because aliens don't do the Tokyo Drift. And Cindy McCain can do the Tokyo Drift. After the video, she came on and said, "blah, blah, I can't read a teleprompter, blah, blah, blah. I do not tell clever jokes, blah, blah, blah." Honestly, after you learn she is a robot that does the Tokyo Drift what else do you need to know?
Did you know that John McCain was a POW in Vietnam? I learned that from the video about him. And then, when they started talking about his political career they started playing the pretend Dallas theme song. And do you know what else I learned today?
1. Mayor McCheese has been practicing his town hall style speech for six weeks. I didn't know they used teleprompters in town hall speeches. How folksy!
2. I also learned that "ignore the ground noise and static" is code for get that fucking protester that broke into the convention out of here.
3. He is going to take back Washington. Huh? From the Republican that is already living in the White House. And since he has been shirking his job responsibilities by not showing up to vote, I wonder if he remembers the way. And does he know if he has a home there?
4. Mayor McCheese has been called a maverick. That means he understands that he works for the owner of the NY Jets, I mean the people.
5. Seven years after a group of people that could have been stopped by a Republican administration attacked a building in NYC, we are still in immediate danger and that is why we need to win a war that was started on false pretenses.
6. He claims to know regular people and he claims to know just what it is like to live the life of a regular person. That's because we all own seven pieces of property and all of our fathers are unclear about how many oil leases they own in Oklahoma.
7. That when Barack Obama said he would cut taxes, he really meant that he really said he would raise them. And all of the other statement has made were made on opposite day, ergo, the opposite is true.
8. That Sarah Palin works with her hands and her nose. Seriously.
9. "Drill, baby, drill" will fix everything!
10. Terror!
11. That there were cars when he was 5 years old. Wow! He isn't as old as I thought!
12. That there is a room of fools in Minnesota that believe Republicans go to Washington for "the people" and not for themselves.
13. He was a POW.
14. Because he was a POW he can truly love this country. I guess the rest of us don't unless love it unless we do the things from his pre-approved list of things that show you love this country.
15. His speech made my dog Shirley use her really loud nervous bark for about the last fifteen minutes of his speech. I think I have partial hearing loss now.
16. And that he can tell a lot of lies over the course of 50 minutes.
And I loved it when Andrea Mitchell got caught in the balloon drop from hell! Keith Olbermann called it the political equivalent of a Chucky Cheese. Tom Brokaw called her Andrea "Boom Boom" Mitchell. Awesome.
I absolutely loved the video introducing Candy McCain. Up until this point I thought she was a robot or possibly an alien. My theory changes from day to day. But that video changed my mind. She is definitely a robot because aliens don't do the Tokyo Drift. And Cindy McCain can do the Tokyo Drift. After the video, she came on and said, "blah, blah, I can't read a teleprompter, blah, blah, blah. I do not tell clever jokes, blah, blah, blah." Honestly, after you learn she is a robot that does the Tokyo Drift what else do you need to know?
Did you know that John McCain was a POW in Vietnam? I learned that from the video about him. And then, when they started talking about his political career they started playing the pretend Dallas theme song. And do you know what else I learned today?
1. Mayor McCheese has been practicing his town hall style speech for six weeks. I didn't know they used teleprompters in town hall speeches. How folksy!
2. I also learned that "ignore the ground noise and static" is code for get that fucking protester that broke into the convention out of here.
3. He is going to take back Washington. Huh? From the Republican that is already living in the White House. And since he has been shirking his job responsibilities by not showing up to vote, I wonder if he remembers the way. And does he know if he has a home there?
4. Mayor McCheese has been called a maverick. That means he understands that he works for the owner of the NY Jets, I mean the people.
5. Seven years after a group of people that could have been stopped by a Republican administration attacked a building in NYC, we are still in immediate danger and that is why we need to win a war that was started on false pretenses.
6. He claims to know regular people and he claims to know just what it is like to live the life of a regular person. That's because we all own seven pieces of property and all of our fathers are unclear about how many oil leases they own in Oklahoma.
7. That when Barack Obama said he would cut taxes, he really meant that he really said he would raise them. And all of the other statement has made were made on opposite day, ergo, the opposite is true.
8. That Sarah Palin works with her hands and her nose. Seriously.
9. "Drill, baby, drill" will fix everything!
10. Terror!
11. That there were cars when he was 5 years old. Wow! He isn't as old as I thought!
12. That there is a room of fools in Minnesota that believe Republicans go to Washington for "the people" and not for themselves.
13. He was a POW.
14. Because he was a POW he can truly love this country. I guess the rest of us don't unless love it unless we do the things from his pre-approved list of things that show you love this country.
15. His speech made my dog Shirley use her really loud nervous bark for about the last fifteen minutes of his speech. I think I have partial hearing loss now.
16. And that he can tell a lot of lies over the course of 50 minutes.
And I loved it when Andrea Mitchell got caught in the balloon drop from hell! Keith Olbermann called it the political equivalent of a Chucky Cheese. Tom Brokaw called her Andrea "Boom Boom" Mitchell. Awesome.
McCain and Pineapple
Occasionally, I like to obsess about how many people are not finding my blog on the internet. I admit that I have a fantasy that one day my blog will be widely read and much loved by my fans and much hated by my detractors. Without fail, I find that people do some strange searches that lead them to my blog. But certainly not enough to fulfill my fantasy of internet popularity. While it makes perfect sense that a search for "McCain & pineapple" would lead here, it doesn't explain why that was Googled to begin with. I would love to believe that there is some fantastic word of mouth thing going on where something like this happens:
hip & super smart blog reader says, "hey have you heard about the pineapple report?"
friend of hip & super smart blog reader says," no. what's that all about?"
hip & super smart blog reader says, "it is a way cool blog written by this super smart pineapple. she's always making fun of John McCain and it is hilarious! you should check it out."
friend of hip & super smart blog reader says,"I am so going to read that blog when I get home!"
of course by the time friend of hip & super smart blog reader gets home they are all like, "shit! what was the name of that cool blog I heard about today?" and then the aforementioned episode on Google ensues.
Obviously, the people that would read my blog don't have iPhones or this could never happen this way.
hip & super smart blog reader says, "hey have you heard about the pineapple report?"
friend of hip & super smart blog reader says," no. what's that all about?"
hip & super smart blog reader says, "it is a way cool blog written by this super smart pineapple. she's always making fun of John McCain and it is hilarious! you should check it out."
friend of hip & super smart blog reader says,"I am so going to read that blog when I get home!"
of course by the time friend of hip & super smart blog reader gets home they are all like, "shit! what was the name of that cool blog I heard about today?" and then the aforementioned episode on Google ensues.
Obviously, the people that would read my blog don't have iPhones or this could never happen this way.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
So Who Wears More Make Up...
Rudy Giuliani or Candy McCain? I bet if I had a high definition TV I could see the make up on his collar. And how many times did he use the word "terror"? And does he know any other words?
But speaking of Candy McCain. And the Palin family. And what a hypocrite looks like. What was up with the pass the special needs baby thing that was going on? It is like that baby is some trophy to be used to make them look good. Candy McCain can hold that baby all day long, but I am still not convinced that she is human. I really think she is a robot. And poor Pregnant Teen Palin and her baby daddy. He looked like he wanted to die. And why wouldn't he? The media has been discussing his myspace page on national TV (he said he doesn't want kids -- oops!). And they dressed Bristol up in the most unflattering dress. Was that her punishment for getting knocked up?
But the real loser of the night? Sarah Palin. She did nothing to bolster her position as a viable vice presidential candidate. She spent more time telling lie after lie about her "opponent" than telling the country who she is. But why would she want to? She doesn't want us to know that she is full of shit and the Republicans are trying to sell us lies.* It makes me sick that people don't see or dont' care that we have been lied to for eight years and she is letting us know that if they are elected we can look four more years of this bullshit. And I was so unimpressed that she gave a canned speech prepared by Mayor McCheese's speech writer before he had picked a candidate.
But speaking of Candy McCain. And the Palin family. And what a hypocrite looks like. What was up with the pass the special needs baby thing that was going on? It is like that baby is some trophy to be used to make them look good. Candy McCain can hold that baby all day long, but I am still not convinced that she is human. I really think she is a robot. And poor Pregnant Teen Palin and her baby daddy. He looked like he wanted to die. And why wouldn't he? The media has been discussing his myspace page on national TV (he said he doesn't want kids -- oops!). And they dressed Bristol up in the most unflattering dress. Was that her punishment for getting knocked up?
But the real loser of the night? Sarah Palin. She did nothing to bolster her position as a viable vice presidential candidate. She spent more time telling lie after lie about her "opponent" than telling the country who she is. But why would she want to? She doesn't want us to know that she is full of shit and the Republicans are trying to sell us lies.* It makes me sick that people don't see or dont' care that we have been lied to for eight years and she is letting us know that if they are elected we can look four more years of this bullshit. And I was so unimpressed that she gave a canned speech prepared by Mayor McCheese's speech writer before he had picked a candidate.
*Wonder what I'm referring to? Well, just when I think I've listed all the things you need to know about Sarah Palin, I find more. Makes you wonder how McCain's people wer able to fully vet her in under 24 hours...
The Return of An Old Friend
Glee. That is the emotion I felt yesterday when I read the story. And I would have written about it sooner, but I had more important things to do (hang out with my girlfriends and watch the return of Brenda Walsh -- it was awesome by the way). My buddy Alberto was back in the news yesterday because a true muse never really goes away. So not only did he violate the Constitution by illegally firing those lawyers (not to mention the obscene hiring filters), but it turns out Al was taking super top secret papers home at night in his briefcase. And he didn't even lock them up in the safe he had at home because he couldn't remember the combination. And when these papers were at work, he kept them in the safe in his office not in the super special top secret paper place where they belonged. Bad, Alberto, bad!
But the most hilarious part of the story was in the article I read on foxnews.com. The quote reads, "[r]esponding, Gonzales' attorneys say the former attorney general did not mishandle the classified data on purpose. Rather, he apparently was forgetful or unaware of the proper way to handle the top secret papers."
Well, that makes it alright. So, since he didn't really mean to do it (or he was just too stupid to realize that you don't just leave super top secret papers laying around in a briefcase), they are declining prosecution. Again. What a lucky bastard.
But the most hilarious part of the story was in the article I read on foxnews.com. The quote reads, "[r]esponding, Gonzales' attorneys say the former attorney general did not mishandle the classified data on purpose. Rather, he apparently was forgetful or unaware of the proper way to handle the top secret papers."
Well, that makes it alright. So, since he didn't really mean to do it (or he was just too stupid to realize that you don't just leave super top secret papers laying around in a briefcase), they are declining prosecution. Again. What a lucky bastard.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Hamlet 2
"My life is a parody of a tragedy" -- Dana Marschz, Hamlet 2
Yesterday, the Pineapple Family went to see Hamlet 2. We all laughed our asses off. Frankly, I am baffled as to why the reviews are so tepid and why our presence doubled the number of people in the theater. Why wouldn't people want to see a movie that features fantastic songs like "Rock Me Sexy Jesus", "Raped In The Face", and "You're As Gay As The Day Is Long"? Maybe the masses just don't get the funny. We all laughed from start to finish and still had the giggles after we left the theater. Steve Coogan was hilarious and Elisabeth Shue did a fantastic job of playing herself. I've already downloaded the soundtrack from iTunes so I can learn all of the songs. I plan to sing along next time I go see this movie. If you are looking for a good laugh, I highly recommend Hamlet 2.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Reporting Live from Austin, Texas!
That's right, once again this Pineapple has access to the entire internet. Not just the parts I could access at work. First, I'd like to thank those who were concerned about my computer troubles. Turns out that your dogs can only yank the power cord out of your Apple so many time before it just won't work anymore. Touchy little bugger, huh? Actually, the Crapple had been transformed back to its normal state of Apple early last week, but since I am living in such a strong economy (isn't that what Mayor McCheese said?)I had to forgo picking it up and use the last of my pay check for another luxury item called electricity. I picked air conditioning over that other luxury item called food. It's been pantry surprise at my house for a while now. I am eating those canned items you always wonder why you bought them in the first place. Now that I have been eating them, I can't say that I have a good answer. Who needs a can of unsalted garbanzo beans? I still haven't been hungry enough to figure out what i meant to do with that one. But the beauty of living in a strong economy where your paycheck stays the same size while the price of everything goes up, is that you have the opportunity to clean out your pantry in a creative way, right?
Well I am back online and I'm itchy to blog, blog, blog. So much has happened since my disappearance from the wild wacky world of "The Internets". Obama picked Joe Biden as his running mate, the Democrats had a fantastic and historic convention, and then Mayor McCheese picked his beauty queen, I mean, running mate. So let's review...
JOE BIDEN:
While I was not surprised Obama picked Joe Biden, I was surprised by the 3 a.m. text message. I guess this blows Hillary's theory that Barack Obama is afraid to use the phone in the middle of the night. And Joe Biden rocks. He made a good choice and can't nobody argue with that.
THE CONVENTION, A RECAP:
Monday - Teddy Kennedy is always good. He's really come along way since he stopped driving drunk over bridges. Seriously though, he is a great man that has done a lot for this country and he deserves all the praise and kudos plus some. This Pineapple hopes that they can fix his brain cancer and he can continue to serve as long as the people want him. And Michelle was pretty awesome, too. I think it went a long way to show the people that she will be an excellent first lady. But the winner of the night? Those cute Obama girls! I hope they let the girls do some campaigning because they are super fun.
Tuesday - Was Hillary's night. She did what she needed to do and she did it well. And quite frankly, I got really tired of people implying she was doing it strictly so she could be president one day. One commentator even suggested that she and Bill would secretly vote for McCain in November. Let's be clear about this, I am no fan of Hillary Clinton. BUT these comments about her being too ambitious and having secret hopes that McCain will win are uncalled for. Yes, she was in it to win just like all of the other candidates. I'm sure it is disappointing to come in second. I know I wouldn't like it. BUT I think she was in it for the right reasons and now she want to pull the party together and kick John McCain's ass. And if she had given speeches like that throughout her campaign and steered clear of the negative shit, she probably would have been speaking on Thursday night instead.
Wednesday - Bill Clinton. Blah, blah. Good speech, blah, blah. Of note? His time limit was ten minutes and he took about twenty. But since we all know that would happen, don't you suspect that they told him he had ten minutes so he would give a twenty minute speech? He's like that friend that you lie about the time when you are meeting them somewhere. You know, you tell them 5:30 when you plan on meeting them at 6:00 because they are alway late. And then Joe Biden! It was like he had been reading my blog when he went on the attack of Mayor McCheese's policies. I was at home cheering him on and saying, "I wrote about that, too!" So now, I am convinced that Joe Biden reads my blog and I'm sticking with that no matter how implausible that is.
Thursday - Even Pat Buchanan agrees, Barack Obama rocked the house. And what a fantastic way to spend my birthday. Seriously. On Wednesday, I watched it live when the convention officially nominated Barack Obama by acclamation and was deeply moved. And Thursday really just hit the whole thing home for me. As always, Obama gave a great speech. He made some really great points, gave a solid plan on how he was going to meet his goals, and fixed it so that any one doing negative campaigning looks like a petty asshole. Good job!
SARAH "WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?" PALIN:
Because I am a political nerd, I had an idea of who she was before Mayor McCheese brought her into the train wreck that is is campaign, but had you? Probably not. I figured out he was naming her early on Friday morning (it was the rumor of the private jet flying from Anchorage to Cincinnati late Thursday night that clued me in). When I put my theory to one of the token republicans in my office, he pooh-poohed the idea as being ridiculous. I bet he's glad he didn't take the money bet now.
Frankly, I am so deeply offended by the choice and by her that she is getting her own blog entry. Well, one of many anyway. But let's just put his out here now. What kind of judgment is Mayor McCheese showing when he picks someone with virtually no experience, who's youth really accentuates his age, that he has only spoken to twice previously to making his decision, who is under investigation, and who lied the first time she spoke after being picked? I will leave the answer to you.
Well I am back online and I'm itchy to blog, blog, blog. So much has happened since my disappearance from the wild wacky world of "The Internets". Obama picked Joe Biden as his running mate, the Democrats had a fantastic and historic convention, and then Mayor McCheese picked his beauty queen, I mean, running mate. So let's review...
JOE BIDEN:
While I was not surprised Obama picked Joe Biden, I was surprised by the 3 a.m. text message. I guess this blows Hillary's theory that Barack Obama is afraid to use the phone in the middle of the night. And Joe Biden rocks. He made a good choice and can't nobody argue with that.
THE CONVENTION, A RECAP:
Monday - Teddy Kennedy is always good. He's really come along way since he stopped driving drunk over bridges. Seriously though, he is a great man that has done a lot for this country and he deserves all the praise and kudos plus some. This Pineapple hopes that they can fix his brain cancer and he can continue to serve as long as the people want him. And Michelle was pretty awesome, too. I think it went a long way to show the people that she will be an excellent first lady. But the winner of the night? Those cute Obama girls! I hope they let the girls do some campaigning because they are super fun.
Tuesday - Was Hillary's night. She did what she needed to do and she did it well. And quite frankly, I got really tired of people implying she was doing it strictly so she could be president one day. One commentator even suggested that she and Bill would secretly vote for McCain in November. Let's be clear about this, I am no fan of Hillary Clinton. BUT these comments about her being too ambitious and having secret hopes that McCain will win are uncalled for. Yes, she was in it to win just like all of the other candidates. I'm sure it is disappointing to come in second. I know I wouldn't like it. BUT I think she was in it for the right reasons and now she want to pull the party together and kick John McCain's ass. And if she had given speeches like that throughout her campaign and steered clear of the negative shit, she probably would have been speaking on Thursday night instead.
Wednesday - Bill Clinton. Blah, blah. Good speech, blah, blah. Of note? His time limit was ten minutes and he took about twenty. But since we all know that would happen, don't you suspect that they told him he had ten minutes so he would give a twenty minute speech? He's like that friend that you lie about the time when you are meeting them somewhere. You know, you tell them 5:30 when you plan on meeting them at 6:00 because they are alway late. And then Joe Biden! It was like he had been reading my blog when he went on the attack of Mayor McCheese's policies. I was at home cheering him on and saying, "I wrote about that, too!" So now, I am convinced that Joe Biden reads my blog and I'm sticking with that no matter how implausible that is.
Thursday - Even Pat Buchanan agrees, Barack Obama rocked the house. And what a fantastic way to spend my birthday. Seriously. On Wednesday, I watched it live when the convention officially nominated Barack Obama by acclamation and was deeply moved. And Thursday really just hit the whole thing home for me. As always, Obama gave a great speech. He made some really great points, gave a solid plan on how he was going to meet his goals, and fixed it so that any one doing negative campaigning looks like a petty asshole. Good job!
SARAH "WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?" PALIN:
Because I am a political nerd, I had an idea of who she was before Mayor McCheese brought her into the train wreck that is is campaign, but had you? Probably not. I figured out he was naming her early on Friday morning (it was the rumor of the private jet flying from Anchorage to Cincinnati late Thursday night that clued me in). When I put my theory to one of the token republicans in my office, he pooh-poohed the idea as being ridiculous. I bet he's glad he didn't take the money bet now.
Frankly, I am so deeply offended by the choice and by her that she is getting her own blog entry. Well, one of many anyway. But let's just put his out here now. What kind of judgment is Mayor McCheese showing when he picks someone with virtually no experience, who's youth really accentuates his age, that he has only spoken to twice previously to making his decision, who is under investigation, and who lied the first time she spoke after being picked? I will leave the answer to you.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Me and My Crapple
This has been a difficult week in the world of Pineapple. For one thing, on Sunday my computer turned off for no reason. I finally got it turned on, made backups of everything of importance and then lost power again. In short? I watch helplessly as Mayor McCheese continues on the campaign trail while I'm left wondering how can I get a new computer to use for the sole purpose of blogging about him. Mayor McCheese is always doing the dumb thing and this Pineapple must remain silent (or misappropriate state resources because she is desperate to blog).
So here are some of the blogs I could have written if I only had a new Apple with a battery that works:
1. Mayor McCheese Changes His Mind (Again): Flashback to Mayor McCheese's joke that he stopped beating his wife. So funny. Not! Now come back to the present day and picture Candy McCain standing by her man with a sling on her arm. She says she sprained it when she was shaking hands with an over zealous fan. Really? Because I thought maybe she ran into a wall. Or maybe she just related to the Glass Man (Amelie reference). But if her goofy ass outfit is any indication, they gave her some pretty strong drugs for that arm. Note to self: start shaking hands with over zealous fans.
2. Mayor McCheese Discovers The Wikipedia: After some speculation as to whether he has really learned how to use "The Internets" or "The Google" we find that he can use "The Wikipedia". After making a riveting speech about Georgia (no doubt his opinions carefully crafted by his campaign advisor that also doubles as a lobbyist for the country of Georgia), we discover that Mayor McCheese is also a contributing author to The Wikipedia. I mean how else could his speech and the entry for Georgia have three entire passages that say the same thing, word for word? And speaking of Georgia, I have also been enjoying the messages that the Georgian president has directed to Mayor McCheese. How nice that he is already owned by another country and he hasn't even been officially nominated?
3. Best Quote of the Week (so far): "I'm tired of being the middleman between crazy and crazier" Keesha of BB10 (referring to April and Libra during her screaming and crying freakout). I love irony!
So, I am trying to get this whole Crapple thing worked out. But until then, my blogging will be limited at best as I am not looking to get fired from my job. Wish me luck.
So here are some of the blogs I could have written if I only had a new Apple with a battery that works:
1. Mayor McCheese Changes His Mind (Again): Flashback to Mayor McCheese's joke that he stopped beating his wife. So funny. Not! Now come back to the present day and picture Candy McCain standing by her man with a sling on her arm. She says she sprained it when she was shaking hands with an over zealous fan. Really? Because I thought maybe she ran into a wall. Or maybe she just related to the Glass Man (Amelie reference). But if her goofy ass outfit is any indication, they gave her some pretty strong drugs for that arm. Note to self: start shaking hands with over zealous fans.
2. Mayor McCheese Discovers The Wikipedia: After some speculation as to whether he has really learned how to use "The Internets" or "The Google" we find that he can use "The Wikipedia". After making a riveting speech about Georgia (no doubt his opinions carefully crafted by his campaign advisor that also doubles as a lobbyist for the country of Georgia), we discover that Mayor McCheese is also a contributing author to The Wikipedia. I mean how else could his speech and the entry for Georgia have three entire passages that say the same thing, word for word? And speaking of Georgia, I have also been enjoying the messages that the Georgian president has directed to Mayor McCheese. How nice that he is already owned by another country and he hasn't even been officially nominated?
3. Best Quote of the Week (so far): "I'm tired of being the middleman between crazy and crazier" Keesha of BB10 (referring to April and Libra during her screaming and crying freakout). I love irony!
So, I am trying to get this whole Crapple thing worked out. But until then, my blogging will be limited at best as I am not looking to get fired from my job. Wish me luck.
Monday, August 11, 2008
The Question of the day is: "WTF?"
1. Dan Quayle has announced to Matt Lauer that John Edwards' affair ended his political career. While that may or may not be true, why are we asking some fool without a viable political career himself about the status of someone else's career? He can't even spell the word "potato". I suppose you could argue that he is an expert on non-careers in politics. Matty also asked and listened to his opinions on the "new" Russia v. Georgia conflict. Who cares what this guy has to say about either topic. So I ask, wtf?
2. According People.com's latest news, Angelina Jolie hasn't picked a presidential candidate. And we care why? Has she become some sort of political expert since my Crapple stopped working over the weekend? And is so, wtf?
3. And speaking of president, according to the New York Times John McCain is on phone restriction to keep him from saying stupid shit (like that's going to help!). Apparently, he is prone to adopting the last opinion he heard. And people want him to lead a nation? And to that I say, wtf?
2. According People.com's latest news, Angelina Jolie hasn't picked a presidential candidate. And we care why? Has she become some sort of political expert since my Crapple stopped working over the weekend? And is so, wtf?
3. And speaking of president, according to the New York Times John McCain is on phone restriction to keep him from saying stupid shit (like that's going to help!). Apparently, he is prone to adopting the last opinion he heard. And people want him to lead a nation? And to that I say, wtf?
Mayor McCheese Announces He Isn't Running For President After All
Isn't that wishful thinking? Actually, the rumors circulating are that he is only running for one term. Who does he think he is? James K. Polk, Napoleon of the Stump? I just don't think he can manage to accomplish as much in four years for several reasons: we already have an independent treasury, the Mexicans turned over the lands they did command, and the English already sold us the Oregon Territory*. All things that Mayor McCheese remembers. I'd bet if he was elected President that he wouldn't be allowed to act on behalf of himself anyway, much the same way he does not speak on behalf of his campaign. So why bother running for president? And why bother electing someone that knows he is too old to serve for more than four years? I suppose the upside of all of this would be that on the unlikely change he won, we would only get stuck with three terms of Bush instead of four. How is that for some positive Monday morning thinking?
* Thank you, They Might Be Giants for this lesson in history.
* Thank you, They Might Be Giants for this lesson in history.
Saturday, August 09, 2008
I Was So Going To Boycott The Olympics
Seriously. I even told people that I was going to boycott the Olympics. I honestly believe that China should never have been selected to host the games because of their "issues". You know, its the little things like Tibet, censorship of information and ideas, and human rights violations. But the real reason I was going to "boycott" the Olympics was because I really lacked an interest. It is very easy to take the moral high ground when it doesn't inconvenience you. Besides, telling someone you are boycotting the Olympics sounds better than not watching them because you are apathetic. Well, people, the apathy is gone. Last night I was on the phone with the Pineapple Dad and we were looking through the channel guide discussing what was on TV when we discovered that there are foreign language channels devoted to the Olympics. I can't answer you as to why we were even discussing the foreign language channels as neither one of us is fluent in any of them -- but I guess that isn't really the point to this story that seems to be getting longer and longer. In short, there is a Korean channel and a Mandarin Chinese channel. We watched some soccer on each channel and came to the same conclusion. If we are going to watch the Olympics, we are going to watch them in Chinese. Yesterday afternoon, I watched China vs. New Zealand and Netherlands vs. Nigeria. And what makes it more interesting it that they don't tell you what they are going to be showing that day. The channel guide lists it as "Sports Misc." I can't wait to watch the Miscellaneous Olympics!
Friday, August 08, 2008
Today's Funny
If you haven't seen this, you should. Mayor McCheese drives around in a tour bus with a Obama sticker on the bumper. This picture is fuzzy, but obvious about what it portrays. Awesome. Kudos to allthingsobama!
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Mayor McCheese Pimps Out Candy McCain and other wonderful things
I bet you've been wondering where I have been the past few days. I mean Mayor McCheese has accomplished so much in the past few days. When he first started perfecting his comedy routine about the tire pressure thing, I was very tempted to jump all over it. I mean how funny is it that Mayor McCheese criticizes the idea that keeping your tires inflated can save gas when NASCAR has been promoting this for years Not only that, but Candy McCain did a publicity stunt at a race track just the day before Mayor McCheese started down this slippery slope. The irony continues when you realize that The Governator and Governor Crist (his most viable and likely running mate) were as recently as the week before promoting this tire pressure thing? Or that W was even on board with this crazy plan. But what I do know, is that I would love to have one of these:
In case you are wondering, Mayor McCheese is still offering these wonderful tire pressure gauges to people that donate $25 to his campaign.* I am almost tempted to donate because I would use that thing to check my tire pressure everyday. If you send me one, I will keep a log on my blog about my tire pressure.
So despite the mounting evidence that keeping your tires inflated really does make a difference, Mayor McCheese took his comedy act on the road. You know, visiting places like a nuclear plant and Sturgis. This is where things get interesting. This is when we find out what a pimp Mayor McCheese is. Pimp McCheesey again tells a bunch of bikers about the silliness behind the tire pressure thing (after some complete break down where he forgets how to speak the English language). But he doesn't stop by bashing on Obama's energy plan. Oh no. He tells these bikers that he is going to win the war "the right way, by winning." Which leaves me to wonder can you win a wrong way by winning? I don't know. So the kookiness doesn't stop there (because why would it?)-- he then suggests that Candy McCain could be the only person to serve as first lady and as Miss Buffalo Chip. I hope she likes bananas because eeeeeeeuw!
But really, the final blow to his campaign during my blogging absence? The fact that Paris Hilton has announced her candidacy. She should be president because she is hot and frankly, she has a better energy policy than Mayor McCheese. See for yourself:
See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die
The frightening thing? I kind of wish she would be part of the presidential debates because at this point PARIS HILTON IS MAKING MORE SENSE THAN JOHN MCCAIN. And how fucked up is that? Also, when Mayor McCheese will insult Obama by comparing him with the daughter of his campaign donors it makes you wonder how he treats people that don't contribute to his campaign. Maybe we should order some Obama tire pressure gauges after all.
*This is particularly hilarious because he has since admitted that, in fact, proper tire pressure does save gas.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Don't Play That Card!
So many people tell me that I need to stop playing the pineapple card. Because it is painfully obvious that I am a pineapple, I shouldn't talk about it. It just makes people uncomfortable to talk about things like that. But guess what? I am a pineapple. And as a certain evil friend who dropped off the face of the blogosphere said earlier today, I am sweet and tangy. So there. Pineapple. Pineapple. Pineapple.Wednesday, July 30, 2008
So Who Does Speak For His Campaign?
After some waffling on whether or not Mayor McCheese would be raising taxes, his campaign announced that Mayor McCheese was not speaking on behalf of his campaign when he made those comments about taxes to George Stephanopoulos. Seriously?!? If this is true then I guess we can also say that when Mayor McCheese promised to run a respectful campaign he wasn't really speaking for his campaign either. Unless this is respectful. In which case I don't want to see what negative campaigning would be like. So today's "respectful" ad compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. What I want to know is when was he ever a drunk blonde that climbed out of a car wearing a really short skirt and no panties? Because I missed those pictures. But I also wonder why it would be bad to have a president that the rest of the world liked? Because having one that everyone hates is getting us nowhere fast. And to top it off, he made up that part about the electricity tax. But even though he approved of his message, he doesn't speak for his campaign. The conclusion? It doesn't matter what he says. And you know what else? Britney wants to be left out of it. So in the words of Chris Crocker, "Leave Britney Alone!"
I wonder what they would find out about me
Here are the search terms Monica Goodling used when she pre-screened DOJ applicants using LexisNexis:
[First name of a candidate]! and pre/2 [last name of a candidate] w/7 bush or gore or republican! or democrat! or charg! or accus! or criticiz! or blam! or defend! or iran contra or clinton or spotted owl or florida recount or sex! or controvers! or racis! or fraud! or investigat! or bankrupt! or layoff! or downsiz! or PNTR or NAFTA or outsourc! or indict! or enron or kerry or iraq or wmd! or arrest! or intox! or fired or sex! or racis! or intox! or slur! or arrest! or fired or controvers! or abortion! or gay! or homosexual! or gun! or firearm!
Apparently she was particularly concerned with applicants that have sex, have been arrested or fired because those terms are used twice. Can you say uptight? But then again what can we really expect from a religious zealot with a mail order law degree?
[First name of a candidate]! and pre/2 [last name of a candidate] w/7 bush or gore or republican! or democrat! or charg! or accus! or criticiz! or blam! or defend! or iran contra or clinton or spotted owl or florida recount or sex! or controvers! or racis! or fraud! or investigat! or bankrupt! or layoff! or downsiz! or PNTR or NAFTA or outsourc! or indict! or enron or kerry or iraq or wmd! or arrest! or intox! or fired or sex! or racis! or intox! or slur! or arrest! or fired or controvers! or abortion! or gay! or homosexual! or gun! or firearm!
Apparently she was particularly concerned with applicants that have sex, have been arrested or fired because those terms are used twice. Can you say uptight? But then again what can we really expect from a religious zealot with a mail order law degree?
Monday, July 28, 2008
It Really Is Like Christmas In July!
I don't even know where to begin with all of this. Right now, I can't decide which is more overpowering: the excitement or the outrage. I guess it is always exciting to see an old friend in the news again. And admittedly I got a case of the giggles when I saw his name in the news alert this afternoon. (What can I say? The email servers at my work were down and I had to check some email even if it was my personal email.) So who else could bring me such joy and pain? Alberto Gonzales, of course! Happy, happy, joy, joy! I knew he'd be back!
But I'm getting a little off track here. Happy, happy, joy, joy! Of course, no one could ever say that of an interview conducted by the rabidly obsessed Monica Goodling (and star minion to Alberto Gonzales). If it weren't for the pointed questions about Baby Boy Bush and the Republican party, you might think you were interviewing for a cult or possibly Lord Voldemort's steno pool. This law graduate of Regent University (you know, the one founded by television evangelist Pat Robertson) and everyone else at the ironically named Department of Justice* apparently missed the part of Con Law where they talked about hiring and firing people from career government jobs based on political views. Every 2L knows you can't base your hiring and firing policies for career employees based on political whims. Except for the ones that go on to work at the DOJ, apparently.
This basic point of law also raised some serious questions about the persons drafting the report on the hiring policies. Did I mention that they also work at the ironically named Department of Justice**? There should be alarms going off in your head when you get to the part about how the DOJ has confusing rules regarding their hiring and firing policies. Really. Not so confusing. See any Constitutional Law book used at any accredited law school in the nation. It seems that you don't like the rules, is all. Because they are not confusing.
And speaking about having questions. Alberto's minions were asking such fine interview questions. Here are some example of the interview questions [sample answers included!]:
1. What is it about George W. Bush that makes you want to serve him? [Answer: All hail the master!]
2. Aside from the President, give us an example of someone currently or recently in public service who you admire. [Answer: I really admire the work that Richard Nixon did. And that Watergate thing? He was totally framed!]
3. Why are you a Republican? [Answer: Because they told me to!]
I really look forward to studying this report in detail because I feel certain there are some hidden gems in there. But in the mean time, perjury charges and bar disciplinary actions here we come!
* Yes, I know you are watching me. I saw you on my sitemeter. So let's just be clear about this, I am now watching you watching me.
** I still know you've been here. And the irony is still rich.
But I'm getting a little off track here. Happy, happy, joy, joy! Of course, no one could ever say that of an interview conducted by the rabidly obsessed Monica Goodling (and star minion to Alberto Gonzales). If it weren't for the pointed questions about Baby Boy Bush and the Republican party, you might think you were interviewing for a cult or possibly Lord Voldemort's steno pool. This law graduate of Regent University (you know, the one founded by television evangelist Pat Robertson) and everyone else at the ironically named Department of Justice* apparently missed the part of Con Law where they talked about hiring and firing people from career government jobs based on political views. Every 2L knows you can't base your hiring and firing policies for career employees based on political whims. Except for the ones that go on to work at the DOJ, apparently.
This basic point of law also raised some serious questions about the persons drafting the report on the hiring policies. Did I mention that they also work at the ironically named Department of Justice**? There should be alarms going off in your head when you get to the part about how the DOJ has confusing rules regarding their hiring and firing policies. Really. Not so confusing. See any Constitutional Law book used at any accredited law school in the nation. It seems that you don't like the rules, is all. Because they are not confusing.
And speaking about having questions. Alberto's minions were asking such fine interview questions. Here are some example of the interview questions [sample answers included!]:
1. What is it about George W. Bush that makes you want to serve him? [Answer: All hail the master!]
2. Aside from the President, give us an example of someone currently or recently in public service who you admire. [Answer: I really admire the work that Richard Nixon did. And that Watergate thing? He was totally framed!]
3. Why are you a Republican? [Answer: Because they told me to!]
I really look forward to studying this report in detail because I feel certain there are some hidden gems in there. But in the mean time, perjury charges and bar disciplinary actions here we come!
* Yes, I know you are watching me. I saw you on my sitemeter. So let's just be clear about this, I am now watching you watching me.
** I still know you've been here. And the irony is still rich.
Mayor McCheese does more dumb stuff
Well, Mayor McCheese (a/k/a John McCain) just can't leave it alone. He has gone crazy (some more)and the truth be damned! Seriously. So you wonder what the fuckwad has done today, huh?1. He ran a ridiculous ad. Mayor McCheese makes some pretty hefty and ridiculous allegations. Can you say "swift boat," but without the swift part or even the boat part? Here are some highlights:
a. He accuses Obama of not holding any Senate sub-Committee hearings on Afghanistan. Technically this is true. Obama has not personally held any hearings on Afghanistan. However, he has attended a Committee hearing on Afghanistan. And since when have Senate sub-Committee hearings solved anything?
b. Mayor McCheese further alleges that Obama canceled his trip to see injured troops in Germany because the Pentagon wouldn't allow him to take cameras in so he went to play basketball instead. Again, not true. Basically the Pentagon told him that he couldn't go. However, he did visit injured troops while he was in the Middle East during the fact finding part of the trip. And even fellow traveler Senator Hagel (a friend of the McCheese) said the ad was way off base and inappropriate. The big irony of it all? The picture featuring Obama playing basketball was taken when he was playing basketball in Kuwait with the troops. I guess Mayor McCheese's lessons on the "the internets" haven't taught him to use "the googles" yet so he could find out that this video is all over the damn place.
c. He sums it up by saying that he is always there for the troops. Oh really??? Is that why he only showed up for 4 out of the 14 votes on Iraq in 2007? Because he is always there? This year, he has shown up for exactly NONE. And when he did vote, he repeatedly voted against increased funding for the troops. What an ass. I guess he was too damn busy eating cheese. It is little things like this and the fact that he only shows up for about half of all the votes taken in the Senate that make you wonder what kind of president he will be. Oh wait, we've already had that president. You know. That dude that was always taking off work to hang out at his "brush ranch" in Crawford, Texas.
2. Just what do you mean by timetable? Last Friday Mayor McCheese once again stole one of Obama's ideas and said that a timetable to leave Iraq would be a good idea. You may recall a previous bout of plagiarism with the I'm going to send three brigades to Afghanistan. Today, he denies every using the word timetable. Either he is soft in the brain because he doesn't remember saying it or he thinks the American public is soft in the head and will believe him. So here are the two conclusions you could make. He is in the early stages of dementia or he believes that he can say whatever he wants without being held accountable for it. Wherever you go with this, he sucks.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Just Say McCheese!
At this point, who can keep track of history? Obviously not John McCheese. Today he tried to clear up the confusion about his statements that were edited out of his interview with Katie Couric. After this story came out, CBS was forced to post the real interview. McCeese told Katie that the Sunni Awakening was a result of the surge and that the surge protected certain Sunni leaders like Sheik Abdul Sattar Buzaigh al-Rishawi (aka Abdul Sattar Abu Risha). You may recall that the Sunni or Anbar Awakening started before the surge was ordered and that Sheik Abu Risha was assassinated after the surge started. Boy that surge kept him safe as houses, didn't it? But today, McCheese explained it all away in the cheese aisle in Bethlehem, PA. I mean if you are going to rewrite history and redefine what a surge is, you should be surrounded by lots of dairy products. This where he revealed that there was a secret surge that only he was told about and that is what led to the Anbar Awakening. He has now managed to make the time line of what happened about as clear as mud and came out of this mess looking like he is in the early stages of dementia.
Edu-huh?
I'm guess the high price of gas isn't the only thing holding people back from getting an eductaion. I'm thinking that just general dumbassery and stupidity will do it.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Goodbye, Sophia!
I will freely admit that I am a Golden Girls fan. Those old ladies rocked because they were sassy and they were getting some. And yes, I have watched more than one Golden Girls marathon. In fact, that is a fantastic way to waste a weekend. I'm not sure which one of the girls was my favorite because they were such a great cast. But if I had to pick, it had to be between Sophia and Rose. Sophia was super sarcastic and I greatly admire that. I salute you, Ms. Getty! R.I.P.
Monday, July 21, 2008
My, How Geography Has Changed
First of all, I want to say, "ha ha." So far, Barack Obama's fact finding trip to Iraq has been a big wake up call to the republicans. And revealed their need for many boxes of tissue to get all of the egg off of their collective faces. McSame and his idol, Baby Boy Bush, have been pooh-poohing Obama's timetable to get out of Iraq. Today, the Iraqi Prime Minister said in plain English that they want America to follow Obama's plan to GET OUT of Iraq by 2010. Ha. Ha.
At this point, McSame is scrambling to turn this to his advantage -- as in he is grasping for straws and gasping for air. Case in point, his appearance on Good Morning America where he proved once again that he is no master of geography. An important part of foreign policy, no? Let's face it. In May 2007, Bush said "if they were to say leave, we'd leave." So how do the republicans explain why we should stay? (p.s. I chose this for the fun music and chose to ignore the glaring typo.)
At this point, McSame is scrambling to turn this to his advantage -- as in he is grasping for straws and gasping for air. Case in point, his appearance on Good Morning America where he proved once again that he is no master of geography. An important part of foreign policy, no? Let's face it. In May 2007, Bush said "if they were to say leave, we'd leave." So how do the republicans explain why we should stay? (p.s. I chose this for the fun music and chose to ignore the glaring typo.)
I do wonder, just how far away is Czechoslovakia from the Afghanistan-Pakistan border?
And then McSame made his real comeback with his new "energy" ad:
Did you know that Barack Obama is singlehandedly responsible for the price of gas? Wow. He has a lot of power for someone McSame has been trivializing for months now. The high gas prices have absolutely nothing to do with speculators inflating the price of oil (thanks to the deregulation created Phil Gramm former campaign co-chair and economic adviser to John McCain), the fact that OPEC doesn't feel the need to play ball with a lame duck president, or the fact that oil is a historically undervalued commodity. So how many times has McSame voted against offshore drilling? Look into because he did in 2003. Or what about the time he voted against the amendment that would have required that all oil drilled at ANWR be used exclusively by Americans? And how would his gas tax holiday gimmick help exactly? I mean screw those roads, highways, and bridges we drive on. The infrastructure funding raised by gas taxes will already fall far short in light of the fact that people are buying less gas -- let's have a tax holiday! So, by all means let's blame Barack Obama for the never ending increase in gas prices (and ignore the decrease last week that had nothing to do with new drilling).
We could totally end our dependence on foreign oil with all of McSame's hot air.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
The New Summer Dance Craze - The McSquirm!
So this is how this summer's dance craze goes. First you roll your eyes because some woman has asked you a question about something trivial like women's health issues. Then you start to hem and haw because you don't really have much to say. You can spice it up with a little stuttering and sputtering. Then you squirm, squirm, squirm! Then you lather, rinse, repeat. Oh wait, that's how you wash your hair...
I'm so glad he hasn't given this much thought. Mostly because it just isn't all that important. It really is much more important for old men to be able to get it up than for women to prevent pregnancy. My uterus feels better already. Of course, I don't think McSame has given a lot of thought to his other votes about abortion, contraception, or health care in general. It is just another example of his "authenticity" I suppose.
Wondering where John McCain stands on some of these so-called health issues? (This is especially for you wing-nuts that are so bent out of shape that Hillary isn't the nominee that you plan on voting for McSame). Here are some examples why he is not an advocate for you:
* Supports repealing Roe v. Wade. (May 2007)
* Voted YES on defining unborn child as eligible for SCHIP. (Mar 2008)
* Voted YES on barring HHS grants to organizations that perform abortions. (Oct 2007)
* Voted YES on notifying parents of minors who get out-of-state abortions. (Jul 2006)
* Voted NO on $100M to reduce teen pregnancy by education & contraceptives. (Mar 2005)
* Voted YES on banning partial birth abortions except for maternal life. (Mar 2003)
* Voted YES on maintaining ban on Military Base Abortions. (Jun 2000)
* Voted YES on banning partial birth abortions. (Oct 1999)
* Rated 75% by the NRLC, indicating a mixed record on abortion. (Dec 2006)
* Voted NO on expanding enrollment period for Medicare Part D. (Feb 2006)
* Voted NO on $40 billion per year for limited Medicare prescription drug benefit. (Jun 2003)
* Voted YES on funding GOP version of Medicare prescription drug benefit. (Apr 2001)
* Voted NO on including prescription drugs under Medicare. (Jun 2000
* Voted NO on Medicare means-testing. (Jun 1997)
* Voted NO on expanding SCHIP (Aug 2007)
Please note that this is a sampling from the votes he actually cast. Apparently, he is also really good absenteeism. He has missed 62.6% of the votes cast this session. But there will be more on that later.
So, some things to look forward to under a John McSame administration? No abortion (whore), no public financing for institutions that may provide abortions (still, you're a whore), no requirement that insurance companies pay for birth control (or anything else), no educating teens about pregnancy and contraception (that abstinence only stuff is working -- you can tell by the increase in teen pregnancies!), no prescription drug benefits for people on Medicare (he and all those other old people will die soon anyway, right?), and possibly a ban on all health care (walk it off, sissy). Sounds like fun! I'm already doing the McSquirm!
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Pun-a-palooza
I think the folks over at Merriam-Webster are getting a little out of hand because it is just plain ole punny over there today. Today's word is fire-sale. As in heavily discounted. The best part of the word of the day email was the pun-a-licious explanation of where the word "fire-sale" comes from. The explanation reads:The term “fire sale” flared up in the late-19th century as the name for a sale of items damaged by fire. As you can imagine, much of the merchandise at a fire sale was sold at very low prices, which fanned the flames of the use of “fire sale” for any sale with discounted or low price tags. The extended meaning of the term sparked an adjective use that had burst into a full-blown blaze by the mid-20th century. Since then, people have embraced “fire-sale prices” in the marketplace, well aware that they won’t get burned.
I'd Like to Introduce My New Muse
Meet my new friend, John "fuckwad" McCain. And in that token let's get to it. Over the past few weeks, my new buddy has made some HUGE blunders that seem to be glossed over by the news media outlets. Unless you are an avid blog reader or watch a show like Countdown with Keith Olberman, you just aren't really going to see what that jerk is up to. His supporters are frequently talking about his "authenticity" but what is really quite apparent is that he is a double-talking fool.
Let's start with the "big" news that Phil Gramm finally stepped down as campaign co-chair and as his economic adviser. Why wait so long? Well mostly because the media just didn't jump all over Phil Gramm's ass the way they should have. That, and Mr. McSame didn't demand he get the fuck out of his campaign. McSame just made him stop speaking out in public. When your economic adviser starts talking about mental recessions you have to step in. Of course, first you have to recognize that "mental recessions" are ridiculous and attacking the American public for being a bunch of whiners is way out of line. I guess it is really hard to get worked up about the rising cost of everything when you don't actually know anyone effected by it. I suppose it wasn't time to step down until the news about Phil Gramm's movie career got out. You can tell people that the increased price of gas is all in your head and you better stop whining about it, but you can not be responsible for bringing us movies like White House Madness and Truck Stop Women.
Obviously getting ride of Phil Gramm (again) had nothing to do with his being the creator of the Enron Loophole or anything like that. I do wonder what will happen to McCain's imaginary economy policy without Phil Gramm to take him down Figment Lane.
Friday, July 18, 2008
What This Blog Needs Now...
...Is a muse, sweet muse. It's the only thing that there's just too little of... Ever since Alberto Gonzales resigned, this blog has lost a lot of its direction. And frankly I lost a lot of my motivation to blog. I really miss my buddy, Alberto. I just know that one day he will be called to testify in front of the Senate again, stand trial for his crimes, or something like that and I will get to rekindle our love. But a pineapple can't just wait around for something like that. Luckily last night I found a new muse. This new muse can provide enough bloggy fodder for a web's worth of blogs. The answer has been right in front of me for months. You know, I tried Barack Obama out as a muse and it just didn't pan out. The Pineapple Clan still supports Barack Obama 100%, but the truth is I never was a cheerleader. That being upbeat and supportive all the time thing just wasn't my thing. Don't get me wrong this blog will probably be a huge love fest when Barack Obama officially accepts the nomination as a special birthday present to me. But seriously, my muse needs to be more of a target. A target that is constantly changing his story and saying really stupid things. Basically, I need a muse that is a total fuckwad. Good news, blogosphere! I have found just the fuckwad to bash.
Can you guess who?
Monday, July 14, 2008
It is called SATIRE, people
It always makes me really sad when I realize just how stupid people are. As this fabulous cover of The New Yorker is plastered all of the TV for being"offensive" and "in poor taste", I just lose a little bit of my faith in humanity. Wake up! Its satire! You know, "a literary work holding up human vices and follies to ridicule or scorn" or "trenchant wit, irony, or sarcasm used to expose and discredit vice or folly." If the definition from the dictionary is too much to handle, it is a big joke.Everything in that picture is based on vicious lies that have been told about Barack Obama and his wife, Michelle. Just because people are too stupid, too racist, too sexist, too bigoted, and too judgmental to see it for what it is doesn't mean it isn't hilarious. I saw this cartoon and laughed my ass off. When first questioned about the cartoon, Barack Obama shrugged his shoulders and said he didn't have anything to say. I wonder if it was because he is smart enough to know that not all of his supporters will get the joke and he knows they will be oh so offended? I'm not that smart because if there were a bunch of ignorant pricks spreading lies about me and The New Yorker did a cartoon of it, my response would be, that's the funniest fucking thing I've seen all day."
Friday, July 11, 2008
It Was 23 Years Ago Today
That the Coca-Cola Company came to its senses and started selling the real Coca-Cola again. Just a mere 79 days after they rolled out "New Coke." Bleck. I suppose we can thank groups like Society for the Preservation of the Real Thing and Old Cola Drinkers of America along with the fact that nobody bought New Coke for bringing the Coca-Cola Company to its senses. Even though they began selling the real thing again under the name "Coca-Cola Classic" they continued to sell New Coke (and even tried changing the name to Coke II). No matter how hard they tried nobody wanted to drink it.Thursday, July 10, 2008
It is all in your head, dipshit
Apparently everything that has to do with the economy is all in your head. Just like Phil Gramm's notion that he does not look like an alien is all in his head. So let's all believe that the economy is if fantastic shape and that the ever increasing price of gas is a good thing. That too, can be all in our heads. I suppose that all of the people that were ripped off by the sub-prime lending scam and lost their homes are actually living in imaginary cardboard boxes. I know that economic stimulus check was all in my head because I never saw it. So maybe this mental recession thing is really on the mark.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
God is a cokehead
Seriously. God was arrested in Tampa for selling cocaine near a church. The irony is way too rich for my blood. God. Selling cocaine. Near a church. And if you were wondering, his middle name is "Lucky". As if.
Monday, June 30, 2008
And then I went to San Francisco for a few hours
San Francisco, CA
June 17, 2008
June 17, 2008
I went on a whirlwind tour of SF and saw a lot of things. Like this really big hill.
This tower on another hill.
And a certain prison in the bay.
And this famous bridge.
A place known for its chocolatey goodness.
Some silly animals at the pier.
A building covered in flowers.
And the tiniest car shop ever.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
I went to Oakland for a few hours
Jack London Square
Oakland, CA
June 16, 2008
First I saw some 3-D art on the wall of Jack's Bistro. Gee, I wonder how they came up with that name?
Oakland, CA
June 16, 2008
First I saw some 3-D art on the wall of Jack's Bistro. Gee, I wonder how they came up with that name?
Then I saw a statue of Jack London.
Then I saw the U.S.S. Potomac off in the distance.
And then I left.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
What the hell happened to Pineapple?
Let's face it, I've been missing in action for quite a while without any explanation. Not even a visit to make witty and/or snarky comments on other blogs for months. What is wrong with me? I don't really have any explanation for it other than I lost touch with my inner-blogginess. It all happened about the end of April when I was forced to go to the doc-in-a-box on a Sunday because I had a fever of 102. I had to use all of my sick days to stay at home and sleep. Since I have one of dem guvmint jobs, that's a lot of sick days. And even after all of that sleeping, I don't remember much about the next two weeks. Basically, I spent the month of May being exhausted and couldn't get worked up enough to put pen to paper. (That would be figurative since blogging actually involves typing, but whatever.)
I don't recommend the Pineapple Disease. There are no beneficial side effects to the Pineapple Disease like weight loss (despite the fact that I was too sick to eat). Looking back I suspect that my illness was some sort of germ warfare or evil plot against the Pineapple. I'm not sure who was behind it (it could have been Alberto Gonzales for all I know), but it had the distinct non-beneficial side effect of preventing me from bitching about the state of the world on my blog. Obviously they are trying to keep this Pineapple down. Bastards.
So what happened to cure me of my anti-blogging Pineapple disease? Actually there are two things. First there was this:
I don't recommend the Pineapple Disease. There are no beneficial side effects to the Pineapple Disease like weight loss (despite the fact that I was too sick to eat). Looking back I suspect that my illness was some sort of germ warfare or evil plot against the Pineapple. I'm not sure who was behind it (it could have been Alberto Gonzales for all I know), but it had the distinct non-beneficial side effect of preventing me from bitching about the state of the world on my blog. Obviously they are trying to keep this Pineapple down. Bastards.
So what happened to cure me of my anti-blogging Pineapple disease? Actually there are two things. First there was this:
When I saw this sign, I knew I had to take a picture of this for my blog. It is always funny when judges have to "ommit" conduct and the State of Texas feels it needs to review Pen Ions. The second being a note from Nervana(who ironically hasn't blogged since late 2007) that said "stop reading so much and write your blog! i've really missed it!". According to my goodreads page, I've read 27 books since I stopped blogging. I suppose that is a lot of trashy books.
Hopefully, I have been cured of this dreadful anti-blogging disease and the conspiracy against me is over.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Because Gators Need TVs, Too
DPS troopers made an interesting arrest this weekend in Brazoria County. This guy, William Johnson, found an alligator on the side of the road so he loaded it into his back seat. Because that is how normal people would deal with that situation. I frequently think, "I better put that gator in my back seat and drive it around!"
So, then Johnson decided to stop off at a mobile home and steal a large screen TV (Because gators need TVs, too). Johnson asked a neighbor to help him carry the TV to his car, but the neighbor got a little freaked when he saw the alligator. What a sissy!
Because he couldn't carry the TV alone, Johnson decided to abandon the TV in the yard. However, the troops didn't get involved in this whole situation until he did a u-turn on a highway. That suspicious driving will get you every time.
When Johnson was pulled over he notified the officers that he had a water moccasin in the car and that he had been bitten (I guess it was obvious that there was a gator in the car). They also found a Wii controller and a hair trimmer in is pocket in addition to the wildlife in his vehicle. Apparently, the gator enjoyed riding in the car but the snake did not.
So, then Johnson decided to stop off at a mobile home and steal a large screen TV (Because gators need TVs, too). Johnson asked a neighbor to help him carry the TV to his car, but the neighbor got a little freaked when he saw the alligator. What a sissy!
Because he couldn't carry the TV alone, Johnson decided to abandon the TV in the yard. However, the troops didn't get involved in this whole situation until he did a u-turn on a highway. That suspicious driving will get you every time.
When Johnson was pulled over he notified the officers that he had a water moccasin in the car and that he had been bitten (I guess it was obvious that there was a gator in the car). They also found a Wii controller and a hair trimmer in is pocket in addition to the wildlife in his vehicle. Apparently, the gator enjoyed riding in the car but the snake did not.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Listserves can be fun!
As I was searching for an email with a forgotten password to some online thing, I ran across an email that was sent on my neighborhood listserve in 2005. The email was sent in response to a garage sale purchase that went horribly wrong. I saved the email because I love it when people call out others for their bad behavior in public forums. Besides every time I read it, I giggle. Enjoy:
******* ******** from **** ******** Rd, you caught me totally off
guard today. What you did was totally amoral and I want my planter
back. Once you sell something to someone you have no right to come a
month later and claim you should have gotten more money for it so you
want it back! I must have been off my mind when i gave it back to
you... I want you to return the object to me.
Thank you.
**** ** *******
Sunday, April 13, 2008
I finally did it!
Next Saturday is the infamous shred day. I claimed that this was the year to deal with all that paper mess I've collected over the years. In an effort to put off doing my taxes (and to find more expenses I can deduct) I went through every single piece of paper I have. I started with two file drawers full of old files, three boxes and 6 sacks of papers. I ended up with 4 boxes of shredding, 3 bags of recycling, 3 red rope folders of "keepers", and one small bag of trash. I also found some pretty interesting (and some not so interesting) things mixed up with all that paper. In my fit of productivity found the following:2 expired driver's licenses;
my student ID from law school;
my rapids rewards card (I was wondering what happened to that thing!);
a book of crossword puzzles;
2 old library cards;
my Social Security card that I signed when I first learned cursive;
a mosaic (see photo);
6 ticket stubs;
a small piece of pink fabric;
8 24 cent stamps;
3 bags from the Apple Store;
return address stickers with my parents address on them;
a "Voice Mail Log" with messages from 2000;
a blank postcard from The Sands Motel in Giddings, Texas;
14 pads of paper;
Elvis tights and 2 pairs of fishnet stockings (one black and one red);
2 Texas Ex Lifetime Member bumper stickers;
3 spiral notebooks;
a notepad from 2000 from the Travis County Democratic Party;
102 file folders;
two micro cassettes;
a AA battery charger;
a promotional letter opener from a custom home builder;
1 three ring binder;
A Tigger Pez dispenser still in the package;
gay porn;
17 manila envelopes;
3 pens;
a stack of bank deposit slips;
one dead lizard;
a blank CD-R;
a small plastic superman;
one AA battery
A battery for a car alarm key fob that goes to a car I no longer own;
a coat hanger; and
The Junior Historian magazine from November 1953.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Plea Bargains Can Be Oh So Disappointing
I was super excited because I got called for jury duty. In the past I was exempt because of school or was just dumped in to the pool of extras. This time I was assigned to a court. I figured they would immediately strike me during voir dire for being a lawyer or I would be in the middle of some super long trial. Either way, I was really looking forward to it. I know a lot of people rank jury duty with having teeth pulled, but I think it would be super fun. I was so sad when the clerk called me today to tell me I wasn't needed anymore. I'm guessing the criminal copped a plea. Stupid criminal.Tuesday, April 08, 2008
The Republic of Branch Polygomists
Texas has been home to several groups of crazies that have holed up and had some sort of show down with the authorities. In 1993, we had the infamous Branch Davidians in Wacko, I mean Waco. In that instance David Koresh was convinced that God wanted him to arm a handful of nut jobs to take on the evil government and to impregnate all of the women in the compound irregardless of martial status or age. Good times!
Then in 1996, the world was introduced to the Republic of Texas. Richard McLaren believed that Texas was a captive of the U.S. government and that we never really rejoined the union after the Civil War. So after the lawsuits failed he decided that the best way to free Texas from the captivity of the U.S. government would be to take a couple of hostages. McLaren led one of three factions of the Republic of Texas. After another faction was dissolved (convictions for threats to assassinate government officials will do that), the remaining faction set up its government in Overton, Texas. However, the headquarters burned to the ground in 2003. There are still other Republic of Texas groups out there. Even my neighbor and I had a Republic of Texas Embassy when we lived in New Orleans. Basically, we hung up a Texas flag between our apartments and made a sign.
Now we have the freaks at the YFZ Ranch outside of Eldorado. I remember when they bought that property because the locals were freaked out that a bunch of radical Mormons were moving to town. There were articles in the paper and in The Texas Monthly and stories on the TV. I would imagine the locals were counting the days when they could raid that compound. Let's face, not only do they violate our bass ackwards idea that marriage can only be between one man and one woman but we love a good compound raid. Don't get me wrong, I am against the mistreatment of children and forcing girls to marry and bear children when they are 14 is disgusting. But it seems like the compound raids in Texas have taken a downturn in the excitement factor. There wasn't any violence this time around. I will not be watching the Lifetime made for TV movie about this one.
Then in 1996, the world was introduced to the Republic of Texas. Richard McLaren believed that Texas was a captive of the U.S. government and that we never really rejoined the union after the Civil War. So after the lawsuits failed he decided that the best way to free Texas from the captivity of the U.S. government would be to take a couple of hostages. McLaren led one of three factions of the Republic of Texas. After another faction was dissolved (convictions for threats to assassinate government officials will do that), the remaining faction set up its government in Overton, Texas. However, the headquarters burned to the ground in 2003. There are still other Republic of Texas groups out there. Even my neighbor and I had a Republic of Texas Embassy when we lived in New Orleans. Basically, we hung up a Texas flag between our apartments and made a sign.
Now we have the freaks at the YFZ Ranch outside of Eldorado. I remember when they bought that property because the locals were freaked out that a bunch of radical Mormons were moving to town. There were articles in the paper and in The Texas Monthly and stories on the TV. I would imagine the locals were counting the days when they could raid that compound. Let's face, not only do they violate our bass ackwards idea that marriage can only be between one man and one woman but we love a good compound raid. Don't get me wrong, I am against the mistreatment of children and forcing girls to marry and bear children when they are 14 is disgusting. But it seems like the compound raids in Texas have taken a downturn in the excitement factor. There wasn't any violence this time around. I will not be watching the Lifetime made for TV movie about this one.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
I'm A Messy Blogger
Although I am not very good about updating this blog, I have decided to take on another blogging project in addition to this struggling one. So if you have ever wondered just how messy a Pineapple can be, then check out Pineapple Takes On Tide to Go. Seriously, this Pineapple is going to kick Tide's ass.
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