Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Is It Really A Standoff
If only the police show up? That's what happened today at McBride's. According to their website, they have one of the largest inventories in the world. So naturally, where else would you go to blockade yourself inside of to have a standoff? The only problem was that the burglar was long gone with the goods before the fuzz got to the scene. That, and the door was wide open -- the first sign that someone has locked them self in a gun store. But that didn't stop the police from having a nine hour standoff. So if they were the only ones there, does that make it a standoff?
Monday, November 12, 2007
Pineapple Reporting For Duty
Of course, I'm still on the fence about this whole job thing. I have to get up and go to work for 8 whole days (7 to go) before I get any paid holidays. They are total slave drivers! Other than the whole unreasonableness of their willingness to give out paid holidays like candy and everyone I work with is nice (and it isn't just temporary behavior because this pineapple did a background check on these people -- or maybe I just talked to a former employee), I think this whole job thing might work out. I'm not exactly sure what my job really is, but I'm pretty sure I will be able to do it. At least I'm confident that once they give me a computer to produce actual work product that I will be able to do my job. Ain't government work swell?
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Here A Strike, There A Strike, Everywhere A Strike Strike
The writer's strike continues. Old news, huh? Now, more celebrities started picketing once production of their shows were halted for lack of scripts. Now that picketing has become trendy, I wonder how long it will take for the designers to start picketing collections for the celebrities? It could be a runway show with signs.
We are also finding out which stars are cool and which ones have turned out to be lame. I always thought Jay Leno was lame, but he turns out to be cool because he refused to cross the picket line and go back to work. NBC is now looking for guest hosts to replace him. Resorting scab celebrities already? Ellen Degeneres skipped work on Monday in solidarity with her writers (that was cool), but then returned to work the next day (that was lame). She is going to continue doing her show sans monologue to show her support of the writer's strike. She skipped two shows because she was upset about a dog, but only one show because the writer's are getting the short end of the stick. That is really lame. Maybe she can do double duty and guest host on The Tonight Show.
And now there is an ex-president in the mix. I suppose Bill Clinton has gotten bored with his wife's campaign (or he is tired of being second fiddle?) because he has offered to mediate talks to end the writer's strike. Or is he worried that his soaps are going to be going off the air soon? I know I am. Wouldn't it be fun if some other bored ex-world leaders got into the negotiations too? It would be like mock world domination and they could air it in lieu of 24 (which has been postponed indefinitely because they can't show all 24 episodes in a row). Now that's entertainment!
For those of you in New York and thinking that you might catch a Broadway show instead of watching TV, you are out of luck. The Broadway stagehands have gone on strike. A handful of shows were able to negotiate deals with the stagehands and can continue production, but the rest of Broadway will be dark. No Wicked for you. Wondering what you options are? You can see Mary Poppins, Xanadu, Young Frankenstein, The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, Pygmalion, The Ritz, Mauritius and Cymbeline. If you aren't a fan people singing on roller skates, you will have to go to an Off-Broadway show.
The rest of us will have to make New Year's resolutions to read more and watch reality shows.
We are also finding out which stars are cool and which ones have turned out to be lame. I always thought Jay Leno was lame, but he turns out to be cool because he refused to cross the picket line and go back to work. NBC is now looking for guest hosts to replace him. Resorting scab celebrities already? Ellen Degeneres skipped work on Monday in solidarity with her writers (that was cool), but then returned to work the next day (that was lame). She is going to continue doing her show sans monologue to show her support of the writer's strike. She skipped two shows because she was upset about a dog, but only one show because the writer's are getting the short end of the stick. That is really lame. Maybe she can do double duty and guest host on The Tonight Show.
And now there is an ex-president in the mix. I suppose Bill Clinton has gotten bored with his wife's campaign (or he is tired of being second fiddle?) because he has offered to mediate talks to end the writer's strike. Or is he worried that his soaps are going to be going off the air soon? I know I am. Wouldn't it be fun if some other bored ex-world leaders got into the negotiations too? It would be like mock world domination and they could air it in lieu of 24 (which has been postponed indefinitely because they can't show all 24 episodes in a row). Now that's entertainment!
For those of you in New York and thinking that you might catch a Broadway show instead of watching TV, you are out of luck. The Broadway stagehands have gone on strike. A handful of shows were able to negotiate deals with the stagehands and can continue production, but the rest of Broadway will be dark. No Wicked for you. Wondering what you options are? You can see Mary Poppins, Xanadu, Young Frankenstein, The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, Pygmalion, The Ritz, Mauritius and Cymbeline. If you aren't a fan people singing on roller skates, you will have to go to an Off-Broadway show.
The rest of us will have to make New Year's resolutions to read more and watch reality shows.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Cross Your Chopstick Bra
Hey, ladies! Do you often wonder where you should carry your own chopsticks because you just hate being wasteful by using disposable ones? Well, look no further than the "My Hashi" or "My Chopsticks" bra! You will never have to carry your chopsticks in your purse again! Not only can you store your own compact chopsticks in the side pouches, but it is fashionable with the cups made to look like a bowl of rice and a bowl of miso soup. There is nothing classier than digging your chopsticks out of your bra in the middle of a restaurant!Friday, November 09, 2007
Happy Birthday, Dear Blog, Happy Birthday To You!
Two years ago today, I started The Pineapple Report. I was blogging about nothing then and not much has changed today. I will continue to blog about a bunch of nothing until I don't anymore. How's that for vague and uplifting? Since I never started blogging about something in particular, I think it is safe to say that I have no plans to grow or change as a blogger. Oh well, let's eat cake. Looks good, doesn't it?Thursday, November 08, 2007
Tour de Texas
Now that Lance Armstrong got his proposition for cancer funding passed, the media is all about him running for office. Are they for real? He has proven himself to be an articulate speaker and quite the bad ass on a bike. But does that qualify him to be Governor or a U.S. Senator? Oh, wait. I guess it does. When you look at the last two yahoos Texans have elected to be Governor, it is obvious that even a box of rocks is qualified.
And our Senators haven't been that great either. John Cornyn doesn't even know how to send replies to the letters his constituents send. Well, at least he hasn't replied to any of mine and I've sent him quite a few. That, and he is total asshat. The Breck Girl (Kay Bailey Hutchinson) has been decent in that she writes back, but until the whole SCHIP thing she has stuck with her party. Thus, she is an asshat to a slighter degree. I do wonder about someone that is considering quitting the Senate to be Governor. Our Governor has no power, so why would you do that?
I guess the only thing Lance Armstrong can do now to ruin his chances is if he dates both of the Olsen twins at the same time, I mean we are a red state after all.
And our Senators haven't been that great either. John Cornyn doesn't even know how to send replies to the letters his constituents send. Well, at least he hasn't replied to any of mine and I've sent him quite a few. That, and he is total asshat. The Breck Girl (Kay Bailey Hutchinson) has been decent in that she writes back, but until the whole SCHIP thing she has stuck with her party. Thus, she is an asshat to a slighter degree. I do wonder about someone that is considering quitting the Senate to be Governor. Our Governor has no power, so why would you do that?
I guess the only thing Lance Armstrong can do now to ruin his chances is if he dates both of the Olsen twins at the same time, I mean we are a red state after all.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
And I'm not talking about Macy's. It is a real live lawyer job with benefits!!!
Ironically, Macy's also called to officially extend me a job offer for the seasonal position just an hour later. I wonder how many other job offers I will get today?
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
I Got A Job!!!
And I'm not talking about Macy's. It is a real live lawyer job with benefits!!!
Ironically, Macy's also called to officially extend me a job offer for the seasonal position just an hour later. I wonder how many other job offers I will get today?
OMG! A Smart-Off!
What do you do when you can't decide who is the least smartest most smartest model? You have a Smart-Off! You should have seen the faces on Blonde Rachel and Lisa. They may have been the bottom of the barrel in the smarts this week, but they knew that they should be worried. I really thought that Lisa would have this in the bag, because Blonde Rachel makes Mandy Lynn look like a genius. But then Blonde Rachel proved that she could do simple math (you win $15 dollars if you win a bet with 3 to 1 odds)and about politics (Bush ran against Kerry in 2004). Of course when asked what country the region Darfur was located in, she answered Arabia. When Lisa had a chance at this question she replied that it sounded like a men's cologne. But Blonde Rachel's luck is going to run out next when we learn that she doesn't know how to cut simple geometric shapes. OMG! How do you make a triangle?
Bananas!
Apparently lots of things wash up on shore in the Netherlands. First it was the Giant Lego Man and now it is bananas -- and lots of them. Thousands of Cuban bananas have washed up on the shore of two Dutch North Sea islands. It seems that this is nothing unusual for Terschelling island (one of the now banana rich islands). Last year thousands of tennis shoes, aluminum briefcases and children's toys washed ashore. And twenty years ago it was sweaters. Awesome.Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Today's Great Buy on Ebay
Looking to buy a small town in Texas? Well, look no further because Albert, Texas is for sale on Ebay. As of this morning, the bidding was at $3,000,100.00. Not bad for a historic town. Like Luckenbach, it has a population of 4 (and both towns are named after Albert Luckenbach. Sweet!). Included in this purchase is the schoolhouse that was attended by LBJ, an Icehouse to see live music and it is in the middle of Texas wine country. According to the current owner, Bobby Cave, "[t]he bar nets about $85,000 in beer and T-shirts each year and has the cleanest public restrooms in Texas." I don't know what else a pineapple could want. If I win the lottery in time, I am so going to buy it. I want to be the Mayor of Albert, Texas!Monday, November 05, 2007
Noooooooooooooooo!
As one of the many members of the unemployed, I can only take so much internet before I have to watch TV. That's right I need to watch silly TV shows. They make me whole. Well now the writers have gone on strike (and I don't blame them). First, the talk shows go into rerun. Not that I care about that all that much. I like The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, but I don't really watch them on a regular basis. But next, they are going to screw with my daytime story. They only tape a week or so in advance. How the hell can I keep track of where the brain is in Oakdale if my show isn't even on? Bastards! Of course, the last time the writers went on strike it was over before you could blink. This time, I'm not so sure. I guess TV junkies like myself have a lot of reality TV to look forward to.King Tut, How'd You Get So Funky?
That is a face that only a mother could love. Everybody is all excited about being able to see King Tut's face for the first time, but really all it does for me is make me think of that song Steve Martin did in 1978. That and I don't really want to go look at dead people all that much. But I guess if you are the kind of person that likes the viewing at funerals, then this exhibit may be for you. All you have to do is go to Egypt. Or you could wait for the encore tour of his stuff to come back to the States in the Fall of 2008. Until then, this will have to tide you over.
And the short answer about how he got so funky? That would be the Mummification.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
November Is Write Until Your Fingers Bleed Month
This month we are supposed to blog everyday because it is National Blog Posting Month. Also known by the catchy moniker NaBloPoMo. Just rolls off the tongue doesn't it? If you don't have a blog, you are supposed to get one and start blogging everyday. If you have one, you are supposed to write a post everyday. I think of myself as more of a binge blogger. Sometimes I just can't say enough and other times I don't have a single thing to say. I suppose that is better than binge eating. I guess I will give it a go, but don't be surprised when you find entries about who has the brain in Oakdale (I think Katie left town with it because it sure isn't Carly or anyone else in Oakdale). I know inquiring minds want to know!
It seems that it is also National Novel Writing Month. The whole point of this is to write a 50,000 word novel in one month. Their catchy moniker? NaNoWriMo, of course! Since I didn't officially register to take on this daunting endeavor I think I will stick with the novel I started and keep the time table of "when I finish I'll be finished" that I already set up for myself. Is much less stressful this way.
Too bad Script Frenzy isn't in November too because then we could do all three things in one month -- become a model blogger, write the next Great American Novel, and write a summer blockbuster. That would really make your finger bleed.
It seems that it is also National Novel Writing Month. The whole point of this is to write a 50,000 word novel in one month. Their catchy moniker? NaNoWriMo, of course! Since I didn't officially register to take on this daunting endeavor I think I will stick with the novel I started and keep the time table of "when I finish I'll be finished" that I already set up for myself. Is much less stressful this way.
Too bad Script Frenzy isn't in November too because then we could do all three things in one month -- become a model blogger, write the next Great American Novel, and write a summer blockbuster. That would really make your finger bleed.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
I May Be A People Person
I had my interview at Macy's yesterday. I think I've been on too many job interviews because I was able to explain how my experience as an attorney qualified me to sell women's ready to wear (and I even kept straight face!). I think I'm going to get the job. Unfortunately you don't get the benefit of the employee discount until you have completed the "season". I guess I will hold off on all of that spending until the end. You know mall work pays well! The upside of this job is that I have to wear all blacck. Now I have to decide what kind of costume to wear to work. Should I be goth? A beatnik? I just can't decide!
The irony is that I got a message from a promising lawyer-type job wanting an interview while I was being interviewed for my dream customer service job. I wonder if I can do both jobs so I can get a new work wardrobe at a discount?
The irony is that I got a message from a promising lawyer-type job wanting an interview while I was being interviewed for my dream customer service job. I wonder if I can do both jobs so I can get a new work wardrobe at a discount?
Friday, November 02, 2007
The Summer of the Chupacabra Is Over
I guess summer has been over for a while even though the air conditioner has only been off for a couple of weeks. But the DNA results for the Chupacabra of Cuero came back. They say it is just a plain ole coyote. Scientists say the "DNA sequence is virtually identical to a coyote." But then again, do they want us worrying about a blood sucking fiend running around?
If It Were Only As Fun As It Sounded
Because Michael Mukasey refuses to declare that waterboarding is torture, we may not have a new Attorney General. Maybe he is confusing it with wakeboarding and thinks it is some sort of water sport? Maybe he is the Mandy Lynn of America's Most Smartest Attorney General nominees? Unfortunately, for Mukasey there are a lot of people that think dumping water on someone's face to give them the sensation of drowning in order to make them confess is torture and not a super fun water sport. But now that those sticklers on the Judiciary Committee can't accept the water sportiness of torture, Baby Boy Bush has stomped his foot and told them that maybe we wouldn't have an Attorney General at all. What kind of threat is that? We all know that Alberto could never be replaced (please see the 1000s of previous entries for my tributes to Alberto if you don't believe me). And the way the Justice Department has been managed in the past, maybe things would work just as well if not better without a monkey in charge. Or maybe I'm just bitter because I sent in a resume and didn't even get a response? Personally, I'm rooting for the none of the above Attorney General. It's not like Baby Boy Bush cares what the Constitution says anyway so it won't matter if no one is in charge.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
My Next Challenge...
...is to be a people person. Seriously. I have an interview at Macy's tomorrow for a seasonal position. Fingers crossed everyone! An employee discount and crazy Christmas shoppers may be in my near future. And if I am a really good girl maybe Tim Gunn will show up to teach me how to make a wedding gown from Martha Stewart's linens.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Divide and Conquer
Laverne the Moose
Shirley the Lobster
(sleeping dogs are so easy to dress up)
Happy Halloween!
I guess he lives in bizarro world
Because Baby Boy Bush says we have a strong economy. Is that why oil costs a record $94 a barrel? And that's a good thing because everyone can afford to pay even more for gasoline. I know I'm not spending enough money to fill up my tank. Why eat when you can drive! The Federal Reserve is cutting rates yet experts say that won't fix the housing market. I guess the housing market is on shaky ground and needs fixing every time we have a strong economy. I guess that also explains why I have a great, high paying job. Not! If struggling to pay rent, bills and still eat after I write all of those checks is a sign of a strong economy then I am the freaking poster child of our strong economy.
Because the economy is so strong, I have time to do lots of things. For example, I have seen some fine television programs. I am current on my daytime story and have plenty of time to wonder just who will get the brain next. For some reason, only one person in Oakdale is allowed to figure things out. This is because they all share the same brain. Not that you are wondering, but it seems that Katie has the brain this week. Once she figures out that Carly isn't really going to die, someone else will have the opportunity to figure something out. Isn't it exciting?
I have also seen America's Most Smartest Model. On this show, they have challenges to show you just how stupid these people are. They even have a "walk and talk" competition. This has been a struggle for these most smartest models. I mean that have to come up with things that are round(a ball) or things that are dirty(a dirty penis). This can be really taxing when you have to walk at the same time! When they throw someone off it is called a "purge". I wonder how they came up with that? On one of the episodes the most smartest models had to have a science fair. When one of the models was asked what color would he use to represent something that was warm, his answer was "hot." I love that color! On this episode they finally purged the nearly brain dead Mandy Lynn.
Because the economy is so strong, I have time to do lots of things. For example, I have seen some fine television programs. I am current on my daytime story and have plenty of time to wonder just who will get the brain next. For some reason, only one person in Oakdale is allowed to figure things out. This is because they all share the same brain. Not that you are wondering, but it seems that Katie has the brain this week. Once she figures out that Carly isn't really going to die, someone else will have the opportunity to figure something out. Isn't it exciting?
I have also seen America's Most Smartest Model. On this show, they have challenges to show you just how stupid these people are. They even have a "walk and talk" competition. This has been a struggle for these most smartest models. I mean that have to come up with things that are round(a ball) or things that are dirty(a dirty penis). This can be really taxing when you have to walk at the same time! When they throw someone off it is called a "purge". I wonder how they came up with that? On one of the episodes the most smartest models had to have a science fair. When one of the models was asked what color would he use to represent something that was warm, his answer was "hot." I love that color! On this episode they finally purged the nearly brain dead Mandy Lynn.
And apparently her boob is heavier than her brain. Then again, a feather is heavier than her brain.
All of this gainful employment has given me the opportunity to do other important works like read lots of trashy novels and dress my dogs in Halloween costumes. While I thought it was funny to dress dogs up as a moose and a lobster, they did not want to cooperate for the picture part of the dress up game. Spoil sports! Just wait until MOTL gets home to help contain them. Then we will see who gets silly pictures. Always bet Pineapple.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Guess What? I Am Old!!!
I know this because I got a complimentary copy of eldr magazine in the mail yesterday. And they want to give me a great deal if I subscribe today! While I'm really not interested in getting Alzheimer's or anything, but I'm still at that age when I am making plans to settle down and have a family. The part where I lose my mind comes later. Much later -- hopefully. And I don't like getting magazines with articles telling me that I should stop coloring my hair because it is alright if all of it is gray. They tell me this look is "IN and SEXY". I don't think so. Besides, if my hair were totally white I would start dyeing my hair purple again because the color would take well on white hair. Now that's hot.
And thanks, but no thanks. I do not need a free poster about flu prevention. Here is all I need to know: get a flu shot and don't touch anything or anyone. Do I really need a poster to tell me that? I don't think so. The last time I got a magazine that came with free posters I was twelve. And the posters were of hot guys (Hello! Tiger Beat magazine!)
So as much as they would like to get me on the road to my golden years, I am going to have to pass for now.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Need A Missile Base?
Because if you do there is one for sale on eBay . Interested? It can be yours for the low, low price of $1,500,000.00! And if you want to see the video click here. Sorry, but the killjoys at BBC wont allow embedding...
What I Did This Weekend
the funniest thing this weekend: I saw saw Tuna Does Vegas. Just about everything in Tuna Does Vegas was funny and I laughed from start to finish. But one of the lines that really stuck with me and still makes me giggle is when Anna Conda says, "She booked the economy wedding package called the 'Compassionate Conservative'. It doesn't mean anything, but it sure is fun to say."
the strangest fruit: My neighbor has an orange tree in his yard and we saw him when we were walking the dogs. MOTL asked how hard it was to grow an orange tree and that is when he told his that his oranges tasted like limes and he gave us some. He wasn't kidding, they taste like limes with a hint of orange. You don't really want to just peel them and eat them like an orange but they sure are good when you squeeze it in your water.
and that sums up my exciting weekend.
the strangest fruit: My neighbor has an orange tree in his yard and we saw him when we were walking the dogs. MOTL asked how hard it was to grow an orange tree and that is when he told his that his oranges tasted like limes and he gave us some. He wasn't kidding, they taste like limes with a hint of orange. You don't really want to just peel them and eat them like an orange but they sure are good when you squeeze it in your water.
and that sums up my exciting weekend.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Temp-orary Insanity
Today was my big interview at the temp agency. What a strange experience. I just to be clear, I did dress like I was going to an interview. Confused by this statement? Then read this blog entry first. Apparently, they don't tell everyone about the dress code or not everyone understands what this means. It is really hard to tell. But I am pretty sure that most likely wearing faded and ripped jeans is not the best way to make a good first impression no matter where you go. An impression? Yes. Good? Not so much.
My case worker (I don't think that is really her job title, but that's what I will call her) claims she will find me a permanent position really soon. I'm not sure how thrilled I am about what she thinks she is going to find because she really didn't understand what it was I did at my last job. How can you sell someone's skill set when you don't get it yourself? I also question her judgment because she suggested I remove pertinent information from my resume and use bullet points and a bunch of other stupid formatting. Since I have experience reviewing resumes, I know that this is a bad idea. Especially since my job experience is exactly what is going to get me another job that requires my job experience.
Because my case worker really only does permanent placement, she sent me over the temporary placement side to get work immediately. This is where it got a little interesting. Case worker #2 and I talked for a while and then she decided what tests I needed to take so she could get cracking on my fabulous new career in temp work. I took two tests to determine my data entry skills, a typing test, and a receptionist test. Just for the record, my data entry skills are "good". Yay me. I type 41 words per minute, but I wonder how much better I would have done had the keyboard been fully functional. I'm just saying.
My score on the receptionist test was "good" as well. Though I really have to question this. The instructions claimed that each question only had one correct answer, but as best I could tell some of them did not have any right answers. When case worker #2 saw this score she said that she guessed if the crazy lunatic with a gun came in (yes, this was a test question) that I would chose the option to shoot him first. Although this was not really an option on the test, it was my first thought. I have been a receptionist (and I was good at it), but I am not the best gate keeper when the person trying to get in the gate is rude, stupid, or both. At this point in the relationship, I am not a nice person. This was not reflected in my score because my tolerance level would have gotten me a failing score. But since they did not test my patience, I passed. Did I mention that the whole time I was taking my tests, that some other poor soul was watching a video at full blast about his new career in the medical field? Well, now you know. And now I know all about hepatitis, HIV/AIDS and how to spot someone that has jaundice. Considering I learned all of this while demonstrating the mediocrity of my office skills I think my score should be increased accordingly.
After all of this, her big lead was a temporary position cooking at the Salvation Army.
My case worker (I don't think that is really her job title, but that's what I will call her) claims she will find me a permanent position really soon. I'm not sure how thrilled I am about what she thinks she is going to find because she really didn't understand what it was I did at my last job. How can you sell someone's skill set when you don't get it yourself? I also question her judgment because she suggested I remove pertinent information from my resume and use bullet points and a bunch of other stupid formatting. Since I have experience reviewing resumes, I know that this is a bad idea. Especially since my job experience is exactly what is going to get me another job that requires my job experience.
Because my case worker really only does permanent placement, she sent me over the temporary placement side to get work immediately. This is where it got a little interesting. Case worker #2 and I talked for a while and then she decided what tests I needed to take so she could get cracking on my fabulous new career in temp work. I took two tests to determine my data entry skills, a typing test, and a receptionist test. Just for the record, my data entry skills are "good". Yay me. I type 41 words per minute, but I wonder how much better I would have done had the keyboard been fully functional. I'm just saying.
My score on the receptionist test was "good" as well. Though I really have to question this. The instructions claimed that each question only had one correct answer, but as best I could tell some of them did not have any right answers. When case worker #2 saw this score she said that she guessed if the crazy lunatic with a gun came in (yes, this was a test question) that I would chose the option to shoot him first. Although this was not really an option on the test, it was my first thought. I have been a receptionist (and I was good at it), but I am not the best gate keeper when the person trying to get in the gate is rude, stupid, or both. At this point in the relationship, I am not a nice person. This was not reflected in my score because my tolerance level would have gotten me a failing score. But since they did not test my patience, I passed. Did I mention that the whole time I was taking my tests, that some other poor soul was watching a video at full blast about his new career in the medical field? Well, now you know. And now I know all about hepatitis, HIV/AIDS and how to spot someone that has jaundice. Considering I learned all of this while demonstrating the mediocrity of my office skills I think my score should be increased accordingly.
After all of this, her big lead was a temporary position cooking at the Salvation Army.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Bitter Is The New Pineapple
I think I am about to start living Bitter Is The New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass,Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office. If you haven't read this book, then you wouldn't know that it is about Jen Lancaster's experiences after being laid-off when the tech boom went bust. It chronicles her insane job interviews and some of the temp jobs she had. A particular favorite is the temp job where the woman, that told her what her duties would be, insisted she take notes on things like how to get to the bathroom and how to make copies. Ms. Lancaster then started writing down bitchy and sarcastic remarks about everything she was told. I laughed so hard I cried. I guess I should have been crying because her experiences are now mine.
Over the past few months I have applied for I don't know how many lawyer jobs. I've even had some good interviews. I've tried to get on with legal placement people for temporary work, but every time they have a project it gets canceled and it never pans out. I decided that I need to do something that earns income so I have been trying to get on with a non-legal temp agency. I haven't been successful because of that whole being a licensed attorney thing really puts them off. They seem to think that I won't be interested in the work they have. At this point, if they will pay me I am interested. So I decided it was time to change my tactics. In my cover letter I practically apologize for my short coming of being a lawyer and point out my job experience from before my lawyering days. This experience makes me a perfect candidate for temp work. I guess it finally worked because I just got a message from a non-legal temp agency for an interview. When I called back, I was told what I needed to bring to the interview and then the woman I spoke to told me that I should dress like I would for a job interview. I'm wondering what part of getting called for an interview would have given me the idea that I should dress like I was going to one? I can't wait to get a job an untrained monkey could do the job and where people treat me like I am stupid, because I will finally have something to blog about and being able to buy groceries will be a nice bonus.
Over the past few months I have applied for I don't know how many lawyer jobs. I've even had some good interviews. I've tried to get on with legal placement people for temporary work, but every time they have a project it gets canceled and it never pans out. I decided that I need to do something that earns income so I have been trying to get on with a non-legal temp agency. I haven't been successful because of that whole being a licensed attorney thing really puts them off. They seem to think that I won't be interested in the work they have. At this point, if they will pay me I am interested. So I decided it was time to change my tactics. In my cover letter I practically apologize for my short coming of being a lawyer and point out my job experience from before my lawyering days. This experience makes me a perfect candidate for temp work. I guess it finally worked because I just got a message from a non-legal temp agency for an interview. When I called back, I was told what I needed to bring to the interview and then the woman I spoke to told me that I should dress like I would for a job interview. I'm wondering what part of getting called for an interview would have given me the idea that I should dress like I was going to one? I can't wait to get a job an untrained monkey could do the job and where people treat me like I am stupid, because I will finally have something to blog about and being able to buy groceries will be a nice bonus.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Viva Ladummy
I read today that CBS canceled Viva Laughlin. I haven't even watched it yet, people. Then again it wasn't until Friday that I found out that these people burst out into song in the middle of conversations. Up until Friday I thought it was the same old Vegas drama with some mystery solving sprinkled on top. I mean, who hasn't seen that show? I had no idea it was like Cop Rock but in Vegas, baby! And probably better.
At least Viva Laughlin had Hugh Jackman and Melanie Griffith. Exactly who was in Cop Rock? Just some people that are vaguely familiar from bad movies I've watched on cable in the middle of the night. I guess I will watch the one episode that I have recorded and then harbor resentment towards the idiots that make programming decisions at CBS. Who hires these fools? And why don't they hire me?
Friday, October 19, 2007
The Dead Zone
I don't know if I'm getting more morbid because Halloween is quickly approaching or if I am in just suffering from the affliction of "terminal bad mood", but in case you missed it here is a short list of who & what died this week:
1. The last living member of the Rat Pack, Joey Bishop, died at age 89. Guess he was able to out live the others because he didn't drink and smoke as much?
2. Deborah Kerr, died at age 86,who was apparently more famous for being in From Here To Eternity and not for An Affair to Remember seeing as how the article I read just mentioned An Affair to Remember in passing at the end of the article. I guess that stupid Meg Ryan movie ruined that movie for the person writing the AP article, too.
3. "Compassionate Conservatism" died this week -- if it was ever really alive -- in the form of the failed attempt to override Baby Boy Bush's veto of SCHIP.
4. Taku, the 14 year old Killer Whale at Sea World in San Antonio. The death was unexpected, but they can't rule out old age since they don't really know what the life expectancy of Killer Whales. In six weeks, when the test results are available we probably wont even remember what a Taku is.
5. My bank account when I had to spend my last $20.
1. The last living member of the Rat Pack, Joey Bishop, died at age 89. Guess he was able to out live the others because he didn't drink and smoke as much?
2. Deborah Kerr, died at age 86,who was apparently more famous for being in From Here To Eternity and not for An Affair to Remember seeing as how the article I read just mentioned An Affair to Remember in passing at the end of the article. I guess that stupid Meg Ryan movie ruined that movie for the person writing the AP article, too.
3. "Compassionate Conservatism" died this week -- if it was ever really alive -- in the form of the failed attempt to override Baby Boy Bush's veto of SCHIP.
4. Taku, the 14 year old Killer Whale at Sea World in San Antonio. The death was unexpected, but they can't rule out old age since they don't really know what the life expectancy of Killer Whales. In six weeks, when the test results are available we probably wont even remember what a Taku is.
5. My bank account when I had to spend my last $20.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Your Own Chocolate Jesus
Although the Catholics do not approve of the chocolaty and anatomically correct "My Sweet Lord", they are not going to try to shut down this showing like they did last time. Hope you like chocolate because artist Cosimo Cavallaro will also be including chocolate icons of the Virgin Mary and saints Francis, Augustine, Michael, Jude, Anthony and Fermin in his exhibit at the Proposition Gallery in Manhattan beginning on October 27.
So Why Would He Want To Be President?
Or for that matter why would anyone be willing to clean up the mess created over the past eight years? But really, why would winning the Nobel Peace Prize be just the thing to get Al Gore to run for President? Al Gore is like the rock star of the environment now. Before his movie and the Oscars and the Emmy and the Nobel Peace Prize, he was kind of a dull guy. Would you muck this up by running for president when you could be out there actually accomplishing things? Even if I didn't have anything better to, and I don't, I still wouldn't run for president. For one thing, you have to figure out how to leave a country that your predecessor has basically destroyed. Then there are the crazies running places like Iran and Korea that think nuclear weapons are a fun thing to have and the crazies that run China that think it is OK to make and sell products that are full of poisons. Not to mention the fact that the economy is about to collapse (hello! record oil prices, sketchiness in the housing industry and banks declaring billions of dollars in bad debt.). And on top of all of that, you have to live in a big ugly house that people take tours of! I do not do well living and working at the same place. And I would not want to live someplace that was always full of strangers looking around.So for all of you Gore lovers out there -- No, he is still not going to run for president. He has more important shit to do.
*note about the above picture: this is a miniature version of the White House built by John and Jan Zweifel. I saw it when it was on tour at the LBJ Library. Weeee!
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
The Countdown Is On
Now that Baby Boy Bush has waged a war on America's children, we are now left to wait and see how many Republicans are willing to stick with their lord of darkness despite the fact at least 70 percent of Americans support the increased funding for SCHIP. Let's just ignore the fact that the people elected to Congress are supposed to represent the people. And let's just ignore the fact that SCHIP does not cover all children that are from families that can't afford health insurance or preventative health care. And let's just ignore the fact that these people running the country have not known what it is like to struggle financially and have rocks in their chests instead of hearts. Obviously, the concept of being a "compassionate conservative" is bullshit.
The reality is, that when people don't have health insurance the cost of health care goes up for everyone. There are many individuals and families that have to make the choice to pay their rent and bills and buy food instead of luxuries like health insurance and preventative health care. I guess those assholes up in D.C. wearing their fancy suits don't get this dilemma that millions of Americans face. People that can't afford to go to the doctor have to wait until it is so urgent that they have to go to the emergency room. This is their best option because the hospital has to take them even if they can't afford to pay for it. But I guess taxpayers picking up the tab for this is a much better alternative than helping people get medical care before it becomes urgent and more expensive. But let's be real clear about this, SCHIP insurance is no treat. Very few doctors take it and if your child has a serious medical condition you can forget about finding a specialist that takes that kind of insurance. But at least it helps pay for medicine and catastrophic care. And when you don't make enough money to pay all of your bills, you certainly can't afford to buy medicine for your child.
So why don't the Republicans want to increase SCHIP? Because they are afraid of nationalized health care. Honestly, I'm not sure I want this government to run anything, but making sure we have healthy kids is a good thing. Healthy kids do better in school which makes them more likely to grow up into productive adults. This can only be a good thing for our economy. Isn't that what drives the Republicans? But maybe the Republicans are trying to solve the social security problem by making sure future generations don't live long enough to collect. But the fact is that the Republicans are proposing an increase that wont even cover all the kids that are currently eligible for SCHIP. There is no risk of the increase of SCHIP funding that was vetoed by Bush will lead to anything that is like a government run health care system. So, if you live in one of the 159 congressional districts that is representatives that voted against kids, you should give your representative a call or an email and tell them how much they suck. Do it now. Help Congress override the veto.
Do you want a breakdown of the vote click here. I learned that 21 Geminis voted against SCIP. You can learn such useful things at washingtonpost.com!
Here are the 8 Democrat House members that voted against SCHIP:
Dan Boren, Kathy Castor, Bob Etheridge, Baron Hill, Dennis Kucinich, Jim Marshall, Mike McIntyre, Gene Taylor
Here are the 151 Republican House Members that voted against SCHIP:
Robert Aderholt, Todd Akin, Rodney Alexander, Michele Bachmann, Spencer Bachus, Richard Baker, J. Gresham Barrett, Roscoe Bartlett, Joe Barton, Judith Biggert, Brian Bilbray, Gus Bilirakis, Rob Bishop, Marsha Blackburn, Roy Blunt, John Boehner, Jo Bonner, John Boozman, Charles Boustany, Kevin Brady, Paul Broun, Henry Brown, Ginny Brown-Waite, Michael Burgess, Dan Burton, Steve Buyer, Ken Calvert, Dave Camp, John Campbell, Chris Cannon, Eric Cantor, John Carter, Steve Chabot, Howard Coble, Tom Cole, Michael Conaway, Ander Crenshaw, John Culberson, Geoff Davis, David Davis, Nathan Deal, Lincoln Diaz-Balart, Mario Diaz-Balart, John Doolittle, Thelma Drake, David Dreier, John 'Jimmy' Duncan, Terry Everett, Mary Fallin, Tom Feeney, Jeff Flake, Randy Forbes, Jeff Fortenberry, Virginia Foxx, Trent Franks, Rodney Frelinghuysen, Elton Gallegly, Scott Garrett, Phil Gingrey, Louie Gohmert, Virgil Goode, Bob Goodlatte, Kay Granger, Sam Graves, Ralph Hall, J. Dennis Hastert, Doc Hastings, Robin Hayes, Dean Heller, Jeb Hensarling, Peter Hoekstra, Kenny Hulshof, Duncan Hunter, Bob Inglis, Darrell Issa, Sam Johnson, Tim Johnson, Walter Jones, Jim Jordan, Ric Keller, Steve King, Jack Kingston, John Kline, Joe Knollenberg, Randy Kuhl, Doug Lamborn, Ron Lewis, Jerry Lewis, John Linder, Frank Lucas, Daniel Lungren, Connie Mack, Donald Manzullo, Kenny Marchant, Kevin McCarthy, Michael McCaul, Thad McCotter, Jim McCrery, Patrick McHenry, Buck McKeon, John Mica, Gary Miller, Jeff Miller, Marilyn Musgrave, Sue Myrick, Randy Neugebauer, Devin Nunes, Ron Paul, Stevan Pearce, Mike Pence, John Peterson, Chip Pickering, Joe Pitts, Tom Price, Adam Putnam, George Radanovich, Thomas Reynolds, Hal Rogers, Mike Rogers, Mike Rogers, Dana Rohrabacher, Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, Peter Roskam, Edward Royce, Paul Ryan, Bill Sali, Jim Saxton, Jean Schmidt, Jim Sensenbrenner, Pete Sessions, John Shadegg, John Shimkus, Bill Shuster, Lamar Smith, Adrian Smith, Mark Souder, Cliff Stearns, John Sullivan, Tom Tancredo, Lee Terry, Mac Thornberry, Todd Tiahrt, Timothy Walberg, Greg Walden, Zachary Wamp, Dave Weldon, Jerry Weller, Lynn Westmoreland, Ed Whitfield, Roger Wicker, Joe Wilson
The reality is, that when people don't have health insurance the cost of health care goes up for everyone. There are many individuals and families that have to make the choice to pay their rent and bills and buy food instead of luxuries like health insurance and preventative health care. I guess those assholes up in D.C. wearing their fancy suits don't get this dilemma that millions of Americans face. People that can't afford to go to the doctor have to wait until it is so urgent that they have to go to the emergency room. This is their best option because the hospital has to take them even if they can't afford to pay for it. But I guess taxpayers picking up the tab for this is a much better alternative than helping people get medical care before it becomes urgent and more expensive. But let's be real clear about this, SCHIP insurance is no treat. Very few doctors take it and if your child has a serious medical condition you can forget about finding a specialist that takes that kind of insurance. But at least it helps pay for medicine and catastrophic care. And when you don't make enough money to pay all of your bills, you certainly can't afford to buy medicine for your child.
So why don't the Republicans want to increase SCHIP? Because they are afraid of nationalized health care. Honestly, I'm not sure I want this government to run anything, but making sure we have healthy kids is a good thing. Healthy kids do better in school which makes them more likely to grow up into productive adults. This can only be a good thing for our economy. Isn't that what drives the Republicans? But maybe the Republicans are trying to solve the social security problem by making sure future generations don't live long enough to collect. But the fact is that the Republicans are proposing an increase that wont even cover all the kids that are currently eligible for SCHIP. There is no risk of the increase of SCHIP funding that was vetoed by Bush will lead to anything that is like a government run health care system. So, if you live in one of the 159 congressional districts that is representatives that voted against kids, you should give your representative a call or an email and tell them how much they suck. Do it now. Help Congress override the veto.
Do you want a breakdown of the vote click here. I learned that 21 Geminis voted against SCIP. You can learn such useful things at washingtonpost.com!
Here are the 8 Democrat House members that voted against SCHIP:
Dan Boren, Kathy Castor, Bob Etheridge, Baron Hill, Dennis Kucinich, Jim Marshall, Mike McIntyre, Gene Taylor
Here are the 151 Republican House Members that voted against SCHIP:
Robert Aderholt, Todd Akin, Rodney Alexander, Michele Bachmann, Spencer Bachus, Richard Baker, J. Gresham Barrett, Roscoe Bartlett, Joe Barton, Judith Biggert, Brian Bilbray, Gus Bilirakis, Rob Bishop, Marsha Blackburn, Roy Blunt, John Boehner, Jo Bonner, John Boozman, Charles Boustany, Kevin Brady, Paul Broun, Henry Brown, Ginny Brown-Waite, Michael Burgess, Dan Burton, Steve Buyer, Ken Calvert, Dave Camp, John Campbell, Chris Cannon, Eric Cantor, John Carter, Steve Chabot, Howard Coble, Tom Cole, Michael Conaway, Ander Crenshaw, John Culberson, Geoff Davis, David Davis, Nathan Deal, Lincoln Diaz-Balart, Mario Diaz-Balart, John Doolittle, Thelma Drake, David Dreier, John 'Jimmy' Duncan, Terry Everett, Mary Fallin, Tom Feeney, Jeff Flake, Randy Forbes, Jeff Fortenberry, Virginia Foxx, Trent Franks, Rodney Frelinghuysen, Elton Gallegly, Scott Garrett, Phil Gingrey, Louie Gohmert, Virgil Goode, Bob Goodlatte, Kay Granger, Sam Graves, Ralph Hall, J. Dennis Hastert, Doc Hastings, Robin Hayes, Dean Heller, Jeb Hensarling, Peter Hoekstra, Kenny Hulshof, Duncan Hunter, Bob Inglis, Darrell Issa, Sam Johnson, Tim Johnson, Walter Jones, Jim Jordan, Ric Keller, Steve King, Jack Kingston, John Kline, Joe Knollenberg, Randy Kuhl, Doug Lamborn, Ron Lewis, Jerry Lewis, John Linder, Frank Lucas, Daniel Lungren, Connie Mack, Donald Manzullo, Kenny Marchant, Kevin McCarthy, Michael McCaul, Thad McCotter, Jim McCrery, Patrick McHenry, Buck McKeon, John Mica, Gary Miller, Jeff Miller, Marilyn Musgrave, Sue Myrick, Randy Neugebauer, Devin Nunes, Ron Paul, Stevan Pearce, Mike Pence, John Peterson, Chip Pickering, Joe Pitts, Tom Price, Adam Putnam, George Radanovich, Thomas Reynolds, Hal Rogers, Mike Rogers, Mike Rogers, Dana Rohrabacher, Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, Peter Roskam, Edward Royce, Paul Ryan, Bill Sali, Jim Saxton, Jean Schmidt, Jim Sensenbrenner, Pete Sessions, John Shadegg, John Shimkus, Bill Shuster, Lamar Smith, Adrian Smith, Mark Souder, Cliff Stearns, John Sullivan, Tom Tancredo, Lee Terry, Mac Thornberry, Todd Tiahrt, Timothy Walberg, Greg Walden, Zachary Wamp, Dave Weldon, Jerry Weller, Lynn Westmoreland, Ed Whitfield, Roger Wicker, Joe Wilson
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
The Evil Ways of Google (or yet another reason why "conservatives' need to find a better way to spend their time)
Now that republicans have made sure that children don't have access to health care and farmers don't have a sufficient labor force to harvest their crops, the "conservatives" have moved on to important things like chastising presidential candidates for not wearing tacky American flag pins on their lapels and declaring Google "unamerican". To celebrate the anniversary of Sputnik, Google did the unthinkable and created a special Google logo for the day. Fifty years ago we were in a cold war and space race with the USSR. Allegedly, we are not enemies and we aren't supposed to hate the Russians anymore. I guess some of these old dinosaurs didn't get the memo. Not to mention the fact, that the Russians did us a favor by launching Sputnik because it put our space program into high gear. Sometimes you need a kick in the pants when you are trying to get to the moon. Besides, whoever said that space belongs to America? And in all fairness Google also commemorated the anniversary of the Lunar Landing (July 20, 2005) with this:
To prove their "point", they have also blasted Google for not making spacial logos for things like Veteran's Day and Memorial Day. There are even rumors that did not make a special logo for other holidays like the Fourth of July. They did and if you don't believe me or want to take a look at their logos you can go here.
What is this country coming to? If we don't agree, then one of us is now unamerican? The irony is so rich because the freedom to disagree was so important to our founding fathers that when they drafted the Bill of Rights this was first on their list (Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances). Frankly, all of these rabid conservatives that start all of this talk about disagreeing with what this administration is doing or celebrating achievements that non-Americans have made to science being unamerican, then they are the ones that are unamerican. And they can go to hell.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
How Starbucks Ruined The Red River Shootout
This morning was the perfect time to run some errands because most people were in Dallas for the game or already at some party getting their drink on. I decided to stop at the grocery store to get a couple of avocados. I'll be honest, I felt like doing some emotional eating while I watch the game. Have I mentioned that we are very serious about our football? Anyway, my trip to get stuff for guacamole turned into a $50 trip. How did that happen?
Because I was at the store much longer than I anticipated I was offered a sample of Starbucks Pumpkin Latte. Honestly, I think Starbucks has some of the worst coffee in the world. But I love pumpkin and I figured between the pumpkin and the latte, the coffee would be sufficiently disguised. Also, the little cups with the little straws were very appealing. With all of these things going for this itty bitty drink, how could I lose? Well, by drinking the nastiest thing ever made -- that's how. My stomach is still churning two hours later. If I had just bought the avocados and left I would be happily eating my guacamole and guzzling beer to sooth my nerves instead of chomping on Pepcid.
Go Horns.
Because I was at the store much longer than I anticipated I was offered a sample of Starbucks Pumpkin Latte. Honestly, I think Starbucks has some of the worst coffee in the world. But I love pumpkin and I figured between the pumpkin and the latte, the coffee would be sufficiently disguised. Also, the little cups with the little straws were very appealing. With all of these things going for this itty bitty drink, how could I lose? Well, by drinking the nastiest thing ever made -- that's how. My stomach is still churning two hours later. If I had just bought the avocados and left I would be happily eating my guacamole and guzzling beer to sooth my nerves instead of chomping on Pepcid.
Go Horns.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
My Spam Has Reached A New Level of Stupid
Because I have had people offering to sell me things to "upsize" my penis and sending spam with "any bigger and I would be in a circus" in the subject line. First of all, I don't have a penis. But if I did, I don't think that I would want it "upsized" or so big that I would be circus worthy. Also, I do not want any stock tips or porn.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Pop Culture Overload, Part Two
Happy Autumn!
Since it is the first day of Fall, what better time to start the Fall TV season? Actually, I would have preferred it if the new prime time shows started a couple of weeks ago because since all of the summer shows have ended television has been slim pickings. I have finally watched just about everything I have saved on my DVR. That Burn Notice marathon was super fun. But then again I have always been a sucker for watching a whole season at once. Yes, I am one of those people that records everything and zips through the commercials. If by some chance I start watching something "live" I get frustrated and put it on pause long enough so I can fast forward through the ads (just in case you are wondering that's 20 minutes for an hour long show. See how much time I save?). Yes, I watch A LOT of television and I have it down to a science (or maybe an art? possibly both?) -- I watch even more TV now that I don't have any money to go do anything. Kudos to me because I have managed to limit my daytime TV to an hour or two a day. Mostly this is because I have discovered that there are a lot of shows that are just as bad (and often worse) than the The View. It is just as well because it helps me focus on actually looking for a new job rather than just thinking about finding a new job.
But a Pineapple can only apply for so many jobs before it gets past the ridiculous (like sending my resume to Baby Boy Bush to be considered for that opening as Attorney General. Do you think that raised any red flags or put me on any special lists?), so ample nighttime TV watching is required and encouraged. I think at this point I have established that if TV watching were a profession, I would be at the top of my field. Until I can find someone willing to pay me, this remains my hobby. And if you are worried about what all of this television is doing to my brain, don't. I also read a lot of trashy books. Click on that GoodReads box in the sidebar (to the left) and see for yourself.
As a pop culture maven/TV addict, I can can give you a quick rundown of what you might want to try out this week. If you like serious dramas and crime shows (like the 5000 versions of CSI) then forget this helpful guide. I don't watch that crap. I like a nice mixture of un-reality, comedy, campy soaps, and alien/demon hunting.
Sunday:
If you like cartoons (I mean animation) or scrawny ladies causing trouble; then you are in luck. I never could get into Desperate Housewives or Brothers & Sisters even though people keep telling me these shows are "so good." I thought they were "so boring." For the most part, the shows on HBO are far superior to network TV on Sunday night. I can always watch The Simpsons and all of that animated stuff if it isn't. Sunday night is also a good time to catch up on the shows I couldn't quite get to during the week.
Monday:
I have always been a sucker for Dancing With The Stars, I guess I have a slight reality TV addiction. And with this season's train wreck of a cast it is shaping up to be pretty good this time. This addiction to reality TV will not carry over to the show that follows --The Bachelor. I like competition type shows and not the dating ones so much. Besides with this season's bachelor being from Austin, I will already be subjected to more of this show than I want. As best I can tell, the guys on this show have to pick from a pool of stupid women and this new bachelor owns three bars. If he can't find a stupid woman to date on his own, he is beyond help. Also, on Mondays you have a variety of dramas and sitcoms. I'm thinking Chuck will be pretty silly and fun. I love secret agent nerds!
Tuesday:
I've got the results show for Dancing With The Stars (which I can watch in a few minutes because let's face it, I'm really only interested in the actual results). I will continue on recording ABC because I am addicted to Boston Legal. Yay! A soapy dramadey! Frankly, The Practice didn't do much for me and their abilities as lawyers pretty much sucked. Not one time did any lawyer on this show properly preserve their objections for an appeal (you have to tell the judge why you are objecting). That and Lara Flynn Boyle's huge head stuck on her stick of a body really freaked me out. Eat something! Boston Legal is beyond ridiculous so their lack of lawyering skills don't bother me so much. Also on Tuesday night, I am very much looking forward to Reaper. Either it is going to be really funny or really bad. But I like the premise that this guy's parents sold his soul and now he has to work for death (while he still works at the mega-discount store with his dumb co-workers/inept sidekicks). Other good shows on Tuesday are Bones and Eureka. Bones is as close to a crime show as I'm going to get. They solve crimes, but they are funny while they are doing it.
Wednesday:
Everything comes on at 8:00 (Central) on Wednesday. I know people are always telling you when things are on in "Eastern" time, but I live in the Central timezone. Get over it and learn to count the timezones. Luckily, one of my guilty pleasures, Hotel Babylon on BBC America, is played more than once so I can record it later. This leaves a decision between Private Practice, Gossip Girl, Kitchen Nightmares, and Bionic Woman. I do not watch crime shows so Criminal Minds is not an option. Previously, I wouldn't even have thought of Gossip Girl as a choice. Unfortunately they premiered a week early and I didn't have anything better to do. I admit it, this show was super trashy and I loved it. It made the trashy antics of it's predecessors (like 90210 and The O.C.) look like cheap imitations. And the clothes they wear on Gossip Girl cost more than what I would spend on a car. How can I resist this kind of garbage? I also watched Kitchen Nightmares when it premiered last week. The British variety of Chef Ramsey chewing out stupid chefs is much more entertaining than the American version. As a general rule, the British version of a show is going to be better than the American version. I've also ruled out the new Bionic Woman because how can anyone replace Lindsay Wagner? She is the only Jaime Sommers for me. That, and I still remember The Bionic Girl starring Sandra Bullock. Crap, pure crap. This idea is just as dumb as the notion that Halle Berry could play a better Catwoman than Eartha Kitt. Enough with the remakes already! I am going to try out Dirty Sexy Money after my 8 o'clock pile up. This is based on the name of the show alone. Just so you know, I also judge books by their covers. It may be superficial but works for me.
Thursday:
As I have discussed before, Survivor sucks. I know they are all excited that it was filmed in China, but you can starve a bunch of stupid assholes anywhere in the world and they would still be a bunch of stupid assholes. I suggest getting your funny on with Ugly Betty and My Name is Earl. I don't watch The Office (see above about how British versions are better), but people seem to like it. I like to watch Supernatural instead. It is funny and they hunt demons. If you want something that is night-soapy with a side of humor, then Grey's Anatomy is good. Even though they use "Mc" way too much. I am McOver people calling other people McDreamy and McSteamy. If you enjoy the hospital drama you can continue on with ER.
Friday:
Looking for something fun to watch? How about Flash Gordon on SciFi? I have only watched the first couple of episodes (yay! a marathon!), but once they finally finished all the character development crap, it got pretty funny. And you really can't have high expectations on a Friday night. I am not interested in people talking to ghosts, military dramas or really any kind of drama on a Friday night. I am at home because I have nothing better to do (or any money). I do not want to see people struggling with their lives because I don't have to watch TV to see that. Make me laugh, damn it!
Saturday:
There is even stuff to watch on Saturdays. Once you have finished your Saturday college football bonanza, it is "Supernatural Saturday" on BBC America. Torchwood is a spin-off of Doctor Who where Jack Harkness and a bunch of socially inept folks hunt down aliens, demons, and stuff. Also, Saturday is premiere night on HBO and Cinemax if you are in the mood for a movie. Its like date night without the high price of a new movie.
Enjoy wasting your life away in front of the TV! I do!
Since it is the first day of Fall, what better time to start the Fall TV season? Actually, I would have preferred it if the new prime time shows started a couple of weeks ago because since all of the summer shows have ended television has been slim pickings. I have finally watched just about everything I have saved on my DVR. That Burn Notice marathon was super fun. But then again I have always been a sucker for watching a whole season at once. Yes, I am one of those people that records everything and zips through the commercials. If by some chance I start watching something "live" I get frustrated and put it on pause long enough so I can fast forward through the ads (just in case you are wondering that's 20 minutes for an hour long show. See how much time I save?). Yes, I watch A LOT of television and I have it down to a science (or maybe an art? possibly both?) -- I watch even more TV now that I don't have any money to go do anything. Kudos to me because I have managed to limit my daytime TV to an hour or two a day. Mostly this is because I have discovered that there are a lot of shows that are just as bad (and often worse) than the The View. It is just as well because it helps me focus on actually looking for a new job rather than just thinking about finding a new job.
But a Pineapple can only apply for so many jobs before it gets past the ridiculous (like sending my resume to Baby Boy Bush to be considered for that opening as Attorney General. Do you think that raised any red flags or put me on any special lists?), so ample nighttime TV watching is required and encouraged. I think at this point I have established that if TV watching were a profession, I would be at the top of my field. Until I can find someone willing to pay me, this remains my hobby. And if you are worried about what all of this television is doing to my brain, don't. I also read a lot of trashy books. Click on that GoodReads box in the sidebar (to the left) and see for yourself.
As a pop culture maven/TV addict, I can can give you a quick rundown of what you might want to try out this week. If you like serious dramas and crime shows (like the 5000 versions of CSI) then forget this helpful guide. I don't watch that crap. I like a nice mixture of un-reality, comedy, campy soaps, and alien/demon hunting.
Sunday:
If you like cartoons (I mean animation) or scrawny ladies causing trouble; then you are in luck. I never could get into Desperate Housewives or Brothers & Sisters even though people keep telling me these shows are "so good." I thought they were "so boring." For the most part, the shows on HBO are far superior to network TV on Sunday night. I can always watch The Simpsons and all of that animated stuff if it isn't. Sunday night is also a good time to catch up on the shows I couldn't quite get to during the week.
Monday:
I have always been a sucker for Dancing With The Stars, I guess I have a slight reality TV addiction. And with this season's train wreck of a cast it is shaping up to be pretty good this time. This addiction to reality TV will not carry over to the show that follows --The Bachelor. I like competition type shows and not the dating ones so much. Besides with this season's bachelor being from Austin, I will already be subjected to more of this show than I want. As best I can tell, the guys on this show have to pick from a pool of stupid women and this new bachelor owns three bars. If he can't find a stupid woman to date on his own, he is beyond help. Also, on Mondays you have a variety of dramas and sitcoms. I'm thinking Chuck will be pretty silly and fun. I love secret agent nerds!
Tuesday:
I've got the results show for Dancing With The Stars (which I can watch in a few minutes because let's face it, I'm really only interested in the actual results). I will continue on recording ABC because I am addicted to Boston Legal. Yay! A soapy dramadey! Frankly, The Practice didn't do much for me and their abilities as lawyers pretty much sucked. Not one time did any lawyer on this show properly preserve their objections for an appeal (you have to tell the judge why you are objecting). That and Lara Flynn Boyle's huge head stuck on her stick of a body really freaked me out. Eat something! Boston Legal is beyond ridiculous so their lack of lawyering skills don't bother me so much. Also on Tuesday night, I am very much looking forward to Reaper. Either it is going to be really funny or really bad. But I like the premise that this guy's parents sold his soul and now he has to work for death (while he still works at the mega-discount store with his dumb co-workers/inept sidekicks). Other good shows on Tuesday are Bones and Eureka. Bones is as close to a crime show as I'm going to get. They solve crimes, but they are funny while they are doing it.
Wednesday:
Everything comes on at 8:00 (Central) on Wednesday. I know people are always telling you when things are on in "Eastern" time, but I live in the Central timezone. Get over it and learn to count the timezones. Luckily, one of my guilty pleasures, Hotel Babylon on BBC America, is played more than once so I can record it later. This leaves a decision between Private Practice, Gossip Girl, Kitchen Nightmares, and Bionic Woman. I do not watch crime shows so Criminal Minds is not an option. Previously, I wouldn't even have thought of Gossip Girl as a choice. Unfortunately they premiered a week early and I didn't have anything better to do. I admit it, this show was super trashy and I loved it. It made the trashy antics of it's predecessors (like 90210 and The O.C.) look like cheap imitations. And the clothes they wear on Gossip Girl cost more than what I would spend on a car. How can I resist this kind of garbage? I also watched Kitchen Nightmares when it premiered last week. The British variety of Chef Ramsey chewing out stupid chefs is much more entertaining than the American version. As a general rule, the British version of a show is going to be better than the American version. I've also ruled out the new Bionic Woman because how can anyone replace Lindsay Wagner? She is the only Jaime Sommers for me. That, and I still remember The Bionic Girl starring Sandra Bullock. Crap, pure crap. This idea is just as dumb as the notion that Halle Berry could play a better Catwoman than Eartha Kitt. Enough with the remakes already! I am going to try out Dirty Sexy Money after my 8 o'clock pile up. This is based on the name of the show alone. Just so you know, I also judge books by their covers. It may be superficial but works for me.
Thursday:
As I have discussed before, Survivor sucks. I know they are all excited that it was filmed in China, but you can starve a bunch of stupid assholes anywhere in the world and they would still be a bunch of stupid assholes. I suggest getting your funny on with Ugly Betty and My Name is Earl. I don't watch The Office (see above about how British versions are better), but people seem to like it. I like to watch Supernatural instead. It is funny and they hunt demons. If you want something that is night-soapy with a side of humor, then Grey's Anatomy is good. Even though they use "Mc" way too much. I am McOver people calling other people McDreamy and McSteamy. If you enjoy the hospital drama you can continue on with ER.
Friday:
Looking for something fun to watch? How about Flash Gordon on SciFi? I have only watched the first couple of episodes (yay! a marathon!), but once they finally finished all the character development crap, it got pretty funny. And you really can't have high expectations on a Friday night. I am not interested in people talking to ghosts, military dramas or really any kind of drama on a Friday night. I am at home because I have nothing better to do (or any money). I do not want to see people struggling with their lives because I don't have to watch TV to see that. Make me laugh, damn it!
Saturday:
There is even stuff to watch on Saturdays. Once you have finished your Saturday college football bonanza, it is "Supernatural Saturday" on BBC America. Torchwood is a spin-off of Doctor Who where Jack Harkness and a bunch of socially inept folks hunt down aliens, demons, and stuff. Also, Saturday is premiere night on HBO and Cinemax if you are in the mood for a movie. Its like date night without the high price of a new movie.
Enjoy wasting your life away in front of the TV! I do!
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Pop Culture Overload, Part One
Let's face it, I would much rather spend my time filling my brain with useless crap and escaping into trashy television rather than enriching my mind. Occasionally I find myself checking out some pseudo-intellectual type book along with the usual garbage I like to read, but it just gets shifted to the bottom of my book stack until it is time to take it all back to the library. Oh well. I tried. That is not the point of all of this. I have decided to save you all some time and tell you what useless information I discovered this morning (and I'll throw in my opinions for free!). Just a side note here, I had to do something to wash out the memory of MOTL's adventure in television for women (read post below). And just for those wondering, when I confronted MOTL about this he first told me that he was sleeping and not watching it. See, we think alike! But when I pointed out that he was the one that chose the channel, he admitted that he actually finds himself watching things on Lifetime and WE often. And I'm so nice, I am letting the users wild, wild web know about his guilty pleasure. Now on to my pop culture update...
First, if you are famous just stop driving now. Celebrities seem to lose all ability to drive (that is assuming that they ever could drive to begin with). You have the money, so just pay someone to drive you already. Honestly, how many famous people have you heard about that are too stupid to call a cab, have driven their expensive cars into inanimate objects and the like? That's right, Ms. Crybaby McSpears, I'm talking about you. What a fucking brilliant idea. Get really famous, do lots of stupid things that inspire even more people with cameras to follow you around, hit some over-priced car with your over-priced car and not do anything about it! Of course, the owner of the first over-priced car is going to know who the hell did it (hello! cameras everywhere!) and when famous driver of said second over-priced car doesn't do a damn thing about fixing the damage (no matter how small it really was), pissed off victim will file a police report. No police report = no insurance money. Viola! You've been charged with two misdemeanor counts, hit-and-run causing property damage and driving without a valid California license.
This whole example of stupidity really makes me believe that I could make a lot of money helping celebrities make better decisions. When I heard that Owen Wilson hired a sober buddy to keep him clean, I thought, "hey! I could do that!" Well, yeah, I could do that but... as much as I like to boss people around I do not want to spend my time with people pissed off because they are sober. How un-fun is that? Then I thought if I'm going to boss people around, why limit it to "don't drink that!"? The Britneys of the world need someone to tell them that it is stupid to drink a lot before you go to work (VMAs anyone?) and that no matter how white trash you really are, you still need to strap that baby into a car seat. Celebrities can put me on a fat retainer and when they have a decision to make they call me and I tell them what to do. But anyway, back to your pop culture overload.
No discussion about pop culture would be complete without mentioning that next week is premiere week. In a gamble to get ahead in the ratings game a few shows jumped the gun and premiered this week instead. Survivor was one of them. Good God. Could that show have been any more boring??? Honestly, I don't watch Survivor simply because I would much rather watch Ugly Betty and My Name Is Earl. Because of the my-DVR-can-only-record-two-shows-at-a-time dilemma, I gave up that trash for better trash. I now know that I have made the right choice. I do not want to spend my time watching some bitchy waitress from New York talk about how much better she is than all of the other people she is stuck with. Last time I checked, waitress is not a job many people aspire to as their top goal in life. Get over yourself, snob. And I certainly do not want to watch some intolerant Christian that can't stay in a Buddhist temple for more than two minutes because she just can't deal with the idolatry of a ceremony whose sole purpose was to welcome these assholes to China. It was the top rated show, but then again it was up against reruns. I turned it off.
More to come...
First, if you are famous just stop driving now. Celebrities seem to lose all ability to drive (that is assuming that they ever could drive to begin with). You have the money, so just pay someone to drive you already. Honestly, how many famous people have you heard about that are too stupid to call a cab, have driven their expensive cars into inanimate objects and the like? That's right, Ms. Crybaby McSpears, I'm talking about you. What a fucking brilliant idea. Get really famous, do lots of stupid things that inspire even more people with cameras to follow you around, hit some over-priced car with your over-priced car and not do anything about it! Of course, the owner of the first over-priced car is going to know who the hell did it (hello! cameras everywhere!) and when famous driver of said second over-priced car doesn't do a damn thing about fixing the damage (no matter how small it really was), pissed off victim will file a police report. No police report = no insurance money. Viola! You've been charged with two misdemeanor counts, hit-and-run causing property damage and driving without a valid California license.This whole example of stupidity really makes me believe that I could make a lot of money helping celebrities make better decisions. When I heard that Owen Wilson hired a sober buddy to keep him clean, I thought, "hey! I could do that!" Well, yeah, I could do that but... as much as I like to boss people around I do not want to spend my time with people pissed off because they are sober. How un-fun is that? Then I thought if I'm going to boss people around, why limit it to "don't drink that!"? The Britneys of the world need someone to tell them that it is stupid to drink a lot before you go to work (VMAs anyone?) and that no matter how white trash you really are, you still need to strap that baby into a car seat. Celebrities can put me on a fat retainer and when they have a decision to make they call me and I tell them what to do. But anyway, back to your pop culture overload.
No discussion about pop culture would be complete without mentioning that next week is premiere week. In a gamble to get ahead in the ratings game a few shows jumped the gun and premiered this week instead. Survivor was one of them. Good God. Could that show have been any more boring??? Honestly, I don't watch Survivor simply because I would much rather watch Ugly Betty and My Name Is Earl. Because of the my-DVR-can-only-record-two-shows-at-a-time dilemma, I gave up that trash for better trash. I now know that I have made the right choice. I do not want to spend my time watching some bitchy waitress from New York talk about how much better she is than all of the other people she is stuck with. Last time I checked, waitress is not a job many people aspire to as their top goal in life. Get over yourself, snob. And I certainly do not want to watch some intolerant Christian that can't stay in a Buddhist temple for more than two minutes because she just can't deal with the idolatry of a ceremony whose sole purpose was to welcome these assholes to China. It was the top rated show, but then again it was up against reruns. I turned it off.
More to come...
This Morning's Disturbing Discovery
I was reading a book this morning (yay! lazy Saturday morning!), but I was distracted by the awful music coming from the television in the other room. I decided it was time to eat breakfast anyway, so I got up to see what awful thing My One True Love (MOTL) was watching. I was not prepared for what I found. I walk in the living room and find him sleeping sitting up with Diana Ross singing her heart out on the Lifetime Channel. My first thought was, "well at least he isn't watching this crap." Then it dawned on me they he actively decided to watch something on the Lifetime Channel. Just who am I living with?
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Is He A Lame Duck?
The short answer is yes when the "best" way to show off your power is to threaten to cut off children from getting health care. But really the best way to descibe Baby Boy Bush is lame fuck(er). Apparently Baby Boy Bush doesn't want Congress to strong arm him into insuring too many kids. Because Congress has decided that more kids should have access to health care than he would like, Baby Boy Bush has decided to threaten them with a veto. Since federal funding for CHIP is going to expire in 10 days, that would fix them kids real good. Damn those children that think they are entitled to health care! Now there is a great way to get some popularity votes with the public -- fuck over poor children. I guess this would be an ideal time for the Republicans to listen to Newt Gingrich and distance themselves from the president and his stupid policies. Who ever thought the day would come when we would miss the prudish John Ashcroft and Newt Gingrich would be a voice of reason? Could this be one of the seven signs? The end must be near. My advice to you is to stock up on canned goods and bottled water.Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Damn that eBay!
I was seriously considering buying Belgium until they stopped the sale. The bidding was up to 10 million euros, but considering it was for an entire country it seemed like a deal to me (even with the national debt and the expenses of supporting the king and his court). I had plans for that place. For one thing, I would go there. I rode on a train through Belgium once, but after you buy a country it is probably a good idea to go take a look around. Then I was going to kick out the king and take my rightful place as Pineapple Princess. That would take care of that expense because I was willing to do the job for room and board and maybe a few new outfits (a princess needs to dress the part, right?). I'm not really sure what I was going to do about the 300 billion in national debt, but I wasn't too worried about it. Massive debt doesn't stop this country from spending money we don't have on stuff we don't need. So really, that problem was solved by pretending it wasn't a problem. But now that eBay has stopped the sale of Belgium my poorly thought out plan was all for nothing.
Friday, September 14, 2007
My Dogs Do Not Approve of The War In Iraq
I read that Baby Boy Bush's approval rating has gone up. Well, my dogs did not have anything to do with that. This evening when W came on the TV, they jumped up from their nap, Laverne walked over to the TV and growled. Then Laverne and Shirley ran to the back door to be let out. Obviously, they know lies when they hear them. They could not get out of the house fast enough. It was definitely a missed video moment.
But I did take a video of Laverne, Shirley, and Astro chasing a frog so you can watch that instead...
But I did take a video of Laverne, Shirley, and Astro chasing a frog so you can watch that instead...
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
FAT ASS!
That's what they are saying about Britney Spears now. She was too fat to be wearing that fancy underwear in public. It looks like after a dumb marriage, two kids, and lots of partying, Britney is a size 4 instead of a size 0. Well, no wonder they are saying she is FAT. A size 4 is HUGE!!! How dare someone that size show off her body. It just makes the rest of us want to puke to see all of the rolls of fat that Britney is sporting around her middle. Gross! I mean you can hardly see any of her ribs poking through her skin! That just disgusts me to see someone so fat just showing it off like that. One might think she is comfortable with her body looking like that. I mean a healthy looking body with curves and muscles is so nasty. We all prefer to see half naked bodies that are all scrawny with bones poking out all over the place.Attn: Time is Running Out
If you purchased the BAR/BRI course anytime from August, 1997 through July 31, 2006, then they owe you some money. You only have until September 17th to file your claim. If you go to: http://www.barbri-classaction.com, you can download the claim form to get your money. You need to know how much you paid for your course. Don't worry, I didn't. I called the handy dandy number (1-888-285-7850) and they told me. It only took a few minutes. A few minutes work for a few hundred dollars. Seems worth it to me. And for those of you that don't feel like you need a few hundred dollars, there is an option to donate your settlement share.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Authority, Technorati Style
I was reading Evil Spock's blog, The Needs of The Few, and saw this:
Technorati sucks,
Authority is dropping.
Make me more famous!
Well, that got me to thinking again about this whole concept of "authority" that Technorati has forced on bloggers. If someone links to your blog, you get more of this "authority", just like if you link to blog that gives them some of this "authority". But this authority only lasts for six months. I guess they don't want all of that power going to your head. So, if millions of people link to your blog you have lots of authority, but six months later all of this authority is gone even if the links still exist? Technorati's advice to you is to periodically link to popular blogs in hopes that they will link back to you again and again. But this false authority created by Technorati only applies to blogs. So if CNN links to your blog, it doesn't give you any more authority. So, some random blogger has more authority than CNN. Well, maybe that isn't such a stretch. BUT the fact that any authority I give out only lasts for six months is crap. I have much more authority than that.
Technorati sucks,
Authority is dropping.
Make me more famous!
Well, that got me to thinking again about this whole concept of "authority" that Technorati has forced on bloggers. If someone links to your blog, you get more of this "authority", just like if you link to blog that gives them some of this "authority". But this authority only lasts for six months. I guess they don't want all of that power going to your head. So, if millions of people link to your blog you have lots of authority, but six months later all of this authority is gone even if the links still exist? Technorati's advice to you is to periodically link to popular blogs in hopes that they will link back to you again and again. But this false authority created by Technorati only applies to blogs. So if CNN links to your blog, it doesn't give you any more authority. So, some random blogger has more authority than CNN. Well, maybe that isn't such a stretch. BUT the fact that any authority I give out only lasts for six months is crap. I have much more authority than that.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
It is not just an opinion anymore
Now there are doctors and science backing up my belief that it is bad to get up too early in the morning. Researchers in Kyoto, Japan revealed a link between wake-up times and a person's cardiovascular condition. "Rising early to go to work or exercise might not be beneficial to health, but rather a risk for vascular diseases," said an abstract of the study. Of course, the people getting up early were also on average older than the people that were not early risers...
But this loosey-goosey science is good enough for me. So, now will someone please tell my dogs to stop waking me up so early in the morning? Who is going to feed them after my early morning induced heart attack?
But this loosey-goosey science is good enough for me. So, now will someone please tell my dogs to stop waking me up so early in the morning? Who is going to feed them after my early morning induced heart attack?
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
One More Reason Why The View Sucks
Just for the record, I can't count the reasons that come before this particular reason. This is because there are just too many to count. For one thing, who wants to listen to a bunch of whiny bitches complain for an hour? Today the reason for The View sucking more than usual is Whoopi Goldberg. On her first day on the job, she decided that it would be a good idea to defend Michael Vick. I don't care how many days you've been working, there is never a good day to do this. According to her, he can't help it because dog fighting is part of his culture. This is because he is from The South and dog fighting is not unusual in The South. Well, I guess everyone from The South is a hillbilly, toothless, yokel that likes a good dog fight on the weekends. Didn't you know that we all fight our dogs and marry our cousins? This kind of thought pattern makes her a stupid Yankee. Last time I checked, dog fighting was a felony in every state in the United States. This in itself is argument that it is not part of our culture and it is not an accepted form of entertainment-- even in The South. Of course, on her second day at work she claimed she was not defending Michael Vick. Well, she sure is making some ridiculous excuses for him and his inexcusable, criminal behavior. Just when I thought I would never watch The View, I was just handed one more good reason to keep tuning out.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
Chupacabra vs. Jesus
Who is the reigning King of Cuero now?
When I took this picture in September 2006, Jesus was still King of Cuero. But now that may not be so true. Phylis Canion, of Cuero, has found what she believes to be the Chupacabra. The Chupacabra, which is Spanish for "goat sucker", is a creature that attacks and sucks the blood out of livestock (especially goats and chickens). Well, Ms. Canion has been having a dead chicken problem lately. What has been so unusual about her problem is that something has been draining the blood out of her chickens. 
Well, recently she found the dead body of a hairless, doglike creature on her ranch. She froze the creature and had its DNA tested to see if it was, in fact, the Chupacabra. I don't know if she found the Chupacabra or not, but I really want one of the T-shirts. I guess I'll have to make a trip down to Cuero to get one of these:
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