Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Austin is a little less weird

Over the years Molly Ivins has managed to amuse and piss off quite a few people. I was one of the amused. Very amused. But when she lost her battle against breast cancer today, Austin lost a little bit of its sparkle. RIP, Molly. You were a true smartass. I will miss you.

Click here to read her column.

Here are some quotes for your enjoyment:
"Being slightly paranoid is like being slightly pregnant - it tends to get worse."

"It's hard to argue against cynics - they always sound smarter than optimists because they have so much evidence on their side."

"It is possible to read the history of this country as one long struggle to extend the liberties established in our Constitution to everyone in America."

"Any nation that can survive what we have lately in the way of government, is on the high road to permanent glory."

"Satire is traditionally the weapon of the powerless against the powerful. I only aim at the powerful. When satire is aimed at the powerless, it is not only cruel - it's vulgar."

"I believe in practicing prudence at least once every two or three years."

"During a recent panel on the numerous failures of American journalism, I proposed that almost all stories about government should begin: 'Look out! They're about to smack you around again!'"

I know vegetarians don't like to hear this, but God made an awful lot of land that's good for nothing but grazing."

"In Texas, we do not hold high expectations for the governor's office; it's mostly been occupied by crooks, dorks and the comatose."

"I dearly love the state of Texas, but I consider that a harmless perversion on my part, and discuss it only with consenting adults."


Tuesday, January 30, 2007

a blogging bonanza

not here, but at the traveling pineapple.

A dumbass with a dumbass lawyer

So this dumbass gets busted for drunk driving and calls his dumbass lawyer to come pick him up. Well, his dumbass lawyer got popped for drunk driving when he showed up to bail out his dumbass client. Click here to get the detail on these dumbasses.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

I can't believe I'm saying this

I am so tired of hearing about how Tyra Banks is fat. Let's just get this straight, she is not fat. For once in her life she looks healthy. Grasping for stories, are we? Have all of the "stories" about other celebrities run out? No new names to make up for stupid celebrity couples? Why gossip when you can be hateful. So shut up already. I'm tired of hearing about it.

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Monday, January 22, 2007

I am not a responsible blogger

Apparently I and countless other blogger have been targeted by Left Behind Games for being irresponsible. Last month I posted a blog about how crappy the graphics and the music are for the game Left Behind (Rated M for Moron, D for Dumbass, I for Idiot...). I feel so honored that this SJR person has taken the time to actually read my blog and posted a comment that really goes to the heart of what I was saying.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Why can't I...

find Ishtar on DVD? I bet my cheap DVD player doesn't play European DVDs (the only place they released it on DVD). The year Ishtar came out, they called it the biggest flop of all time. What dumbasses. That is a really funny movie. If you haven't seen it, then you are probably thinking that it is one of the worst movies of all time. Don't believe the hype. It is a fantastically hilarious story about the dumbest and worst lounge singers ever that get sent to Ishtar because that is the only job they can find. The songs they sing are wonderfully awful.

What brought this whole thing up was that last night on the Golden Globes they honored Warren Beatty and actually showed a very, very short clip of Ishtar. Actually, I'm not even sure it was long enough to qualify as a clip (it was more of a hint or a blurb than a clip). Usually they ignore your bombs altogether when they tell you how great you are. I recall seeing some tribute for Tom Hanks and they just flat out ignored Joe Versus the Volcano. That was a funny movie, but I guess it was just too weird for the mainstream movie audience. So what I'm really getting to is that you should check out Ishtar and the movie people need to embrace its cult status and release on DVD in the U.S. How else am I going to get my blind camel fix?

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Thursday, January 04, 2007

I'm having a revolution

This year I'm going to skip the resolutions. Honestly, my annual resolution is not to make any resolutions. While I've been highly successful in my follow through, it really hasn't done much in the whole changing my evil ways department. So this year I'm going straight to having a revolution. Why resolve when you can revolt? (I really wanted to go with the rhyme of "why resolve when you can revolve?", but it really doesn't go with my theme.) So let the revolution begin. I'm revolting against all of the clutter and stacks of paper in my life. I will be a better person if I have less paper.

So does anyone know how to get in touch with Fawn Hall? I hear she is a wonder with the paper shredder...

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

I wouldn't mind...

... being let go from my job if I got a $210 million parting gift. Most people are lucky to get two weeks pay when they are let go. It seems like if you are CEO of a company and the stock drops you get lots of money to leave. So where do I send my resume to run companies into the ground? It looks like Home Depot is looking for a new CEO. can anyone suggest other places for me to submit a job application? I am highly qualified to do a crummy job of running a large corporation. And I promise I wont complain when you let me go and give me a multi-million dollar pay-off to leave.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Here comes Santa!

On Christmas Eve, do you ever wonder where Santa is? Well, thanks to your tax dollars and NORAD, you can track his progress. Just go to NORAD Tracks Santa to see where he is. Obviously, they haven't come much further than playing War Games with Matthew Broderick circa 1983.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Why doesn't god have better graphics?

And his music is really lame, too. Left Behind is a un-hip new game about an army of christians killing non-believers. AOL calls it a "positive moral message." How sweet. Killing people always has a positive moral message in my mind. So, if you want to kill non-believers with crappy graphics and really bad "religious" music, then this should be your christmas gift to yourself. God wants you to kill, kill, kill.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Here are somethings that I learned today

You know that federal excise tax on your phone bill? That was created to tax the rich people that had telephones to pay for the Spanish-American War. Just in case you are fuzzy on your history, it happened in 1898. Guess it has been paid off because they are taking it off the phone bill and if you can apply for a refund on your 2006 federal income tax form. Next on the agenda: dealing with the local excise tax. Assholes.

Did you know that when a man says he did all of the dishes, that it really means that he did all of the dishes he needed to cook his food?

Monday, December 11, 2006

Legally Blind? Well, that shouldn't stop you from hunting!

Well, at least not in Texas. Under Texas law, legally blind people are allowed to hunt under the supervision of a sighted person. However, no hunters are allowed to use laser sights. Apparently the light makes the animals stand still while you shoot them. Where is the sport in that? Well, Rep. Kuempel thinks that the legally blind should be able to use such sights while they hunt (you must carry proof that you are legally blind). Apparently there is some powerful contingent of legally blind hunters in Texas and he is taking up their cause. I had no idea. The Texas Concealed Handgun Association supports this legislation (no doubt other organizations will as well). What this has to do with your right to carry a concealed handgun in Texas I have no idea. I'm just glad that the our law makers will be taking up this and so many other important issues next session.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Friday, December 01, 2006

New Public Enemy Number One: Metal Detectors

I know. It sounds crazy, but the Travis County Commissioners Court has banned all metal detecting in county parks. Why, you ask? Because they may disturb antiquities. If these alleged antiquities are so damned important, why isn't the county actively looking for them? Just to make this clear, they aren't and they never have made any effort to do so. Really, the most valuable thing you could find in a park around here would be an arrowhead or dinosaur bones. Metal detectors don't even register that. These hobbyists are out there with their hand spades digging up lost change for the most part. It isn't like they are digging up the parks with a backhoe or anything. I say if the county is worried about money, make them buy a permit and fill up the hole they dig. What a waste of taxpayers money to spend hours discussing this issue when Travis county has real problems like an overburdened EMS and stupid toll roads ruining people's ranches. Get a life and get to some real work, assholes.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Today is Born to be a Smartass Day

The following smartasses were born on this day:
Jonathan Swift (1667) - remember "A Modest Proposal"? You know, when he suggested eating children to end famine?
Mark Twain (1835) - the original smartass of American Literature
Sir Winston Churchill (1874) - a terribly drunk smartass

So if you aim to have smartass children, November 30th would be a good day to induce labor.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

R.I.P. Fast

I'm going to miss you, Fast. I loved to stop and talk to you at the store and at LBI. You always had a funny story for me, you taught me a thing or two about the Astros, and you were a rockin' dancer. The 'hood is less interesting without you here stirring up trouble, playing your scratch off games in front of the RS, and hanging out at your second home the longbranch.

I don't know what kind of monster would roll Fast like that. I hope it is a good trade -- the few bucks Fast had on him in exchange for a life in prison. Because that's where you are going. You killed someone that had a lot of friends that want to see you go to jail. He may have been a way for you to get a few crack rocks, but he was family to us.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Boo hoo, Karl Rove

Looks like America took out the trash last night. Wish they would have done that in my state too. I can't believe we have another 4 years of that prick for a governor. But anyway, it was fun to watch the Republicans lose all the scandal ridden seats and then lose the House across the board. Poor Baby Boy Bush has to deal with Nancy Pelosi. That can't turn out in his favor. And props to the first female Speaker of the House. Ha ha, Karl Rove you had to tell BBB what losers the Republicans are. I'm hoping that the senate races in Montana and Virginia go blue...

And another 3 slaps in the face for the losers:
1. South Dakota rejected the ban on virtually all abortions. Of course, that pretty much is the case since there is only one doctor providing this service for the whole state...
2. Arizona defeated the ban on gay marriage!
3. Missouri approved stem cell research.

Maybe people are getting tired of a bunch of criminals forcing their so called morality on our personal lives...

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Green vs. Rose, the rematch

In 2002, Patrick Rose defeated State Rep. Rick Green. Today was the rematch. Not at the polls because Rick Green isn't even on the ballot, but in front of them. Rep. Rose was greeting voters at the Sunset Canyon Baptist Church in Dripping Springs when Rick Green came up and assaulted him. Way to hold on to a grudge. Awesome.

Go vote today

Today is your last chance to vote. And if you don't vote, then you have no business complaining about what is going on the in the world.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Another Reason to go VOTE

If the 13 scariest people don't scare you, then I don't know what will. Go vote so that we can get people like this out of our lives, behind bars, banished to another country, etc.