This Is For You, Nervana

I recently got a note from Nervana telling me that she couldn't leave any comments on my blog. I have no idea why this is happening. If I knew things like that, I would be making more money than I do. And more importantly, I would be able to fix this anti-commenting quandary. But during my weekend blog tinkering, I discovered a possible short term solution for Nervana. I found the "reactions" feature that is now at the bottom of each entry. So, Nervana, you can click away until Only Grrrl and I get this whole comment thing sorted. I hope not all of my blog entries drive you to drink.

How "New Math" Can Save The Economy

"They"* are saying that people spent more this year on "Black Friday" than last year. Personally I have a hard time believing this story. I never go shopping the day after Thanksgiving mostly because large crowds of fools make me prone to rage. However, this year The Pineapple Mom lured me to the stores and I can report no rage. Not even any almost rage. Mostly because of the no people. Which was good because there wasn't much to buy. I walked away with a pair of socks and $18 pants (they were originally $70 -- what a deal!). I hardly think my small purchases really contributed to this big shopping day that the media is claiming. And with the exception of the Walmart where someone died, I wonder where all the people were. Or maybe they were all there. At that one Walmart. Because they weren't where I was. I also have a hard time believing that there is anything in a Walmart that is worth dying over or killing for. But what do I know.

In the end, I think "they" are coming up with these figures using what The Pineapple Mom always called "New Math". I'm not really sure what "New Math" is, although that term got thrown around The Pineapple House a lot about the time I got to high school.** I always thought that's what you accused math of being when either (a) you don't know how to do the math and you need an out that doesn't make you look ignorant or (b) what you call it when dumb people make shit up and claim they got there by using math. Either way, no one can confirm or deny the result. Therefore, we had a great day for the economy even though people only showed up to one Walmart in the entire country.

*I don't know who "they" is. For all I know, it is Bob From Mars.
**It was not helpful to be told what I was doing was "New Math" when I was asking for help with my homework. And then ironic when I got in trouble for making Cs when no one at home could figure it out either. I'm just saying!

tags: Thanksgiving Black Friday Walmart Shopping New Math

What This Pineapple Is Thankful For

1. I am thankful that we have a smart president. Seriously, it has been hard on me to know that someone that can't even pronounce the word was in charge of the weapons. Hey, Asshat! It is Nu-cle-ar, not Nu-cu-lur. You only had eight years to learn that word.

2. I am thankful that I am not eating at Subway today. I don't want to eat trained turkeys. Actually, I don't want to eat turkey at all. We can all thank ASTRO for that. Due to a medical condition, the Pineapple family dog has to eat turkey and rice everyday. After a while, you associate turkey as being dog food. Do you want to eat dog food for Thanksgiving? I don't.

3. I am thankful that I don't have The Great Pineapple Headache of 2008 anymore. Eight is enough! Especially when you are talking about how many days you have a headache (or how many years Baby Boy Bush was POTUS). It really put a damper on the James Bond movie. I'm not exactly sure what happened. How I was the only one that walked out of there knowing that James Bond drives eco-friendly cars now is a mystery. But no matter how much I love the Pineapple Dad, I will never again celebrate his birthday by watching a really loud movie with a headache like that.

4. But they thing I am most thankful for is Sarah Palin. Like I said yesterday, she really is the gift that keeps on giving. And you will be reminded of that today as you watch the parade, the dog show, and football. Mostly because the Our Country PAC is running this ad:

Personally, I am grateful for the $150,000 wardrobe, the Katie Couric interview, that she could see Russia from her house, that Tina Fey came back to SNL just to be Sarah Palin, Palin Bingo, and for the Great Turkey Slaughter of 2008.

tags: Thanksgiving Turkey Sarah Palin Subway

Gobble Gobble, Ya'll!

As I finally recover from The Great Pineapple Headache of 2008, I find that I have missed out on posting some funny blogs. I mean, how about Cheney and my dear, dear friend Alberto Gonzales being indicted! The hilarious part of that story is that the district attorney of that county is under indictment as well yet he continues to prosecute criminals. I guess it really does take criminal to know a criminal! They are all about throwing stones in glass houses in Willacy County, Texas.

Then there is Sarah Palin. She truly is the gift that keeps on giving. And that is a good thing when we are knee deep in recession. But the best part about her, is that we can really just laugh at her without that fear that she might end up in D.C on January 20th. I fully expect that her popularity will fade well before 2012, so these presidential hopes are just a ridiculous pipe dream. I think the republican governor's convention gives some weight to this theory. This downward trend in her popularity will continue especially if she gives more press conferences with animals being butchered just a few feet behind her. Next stop, the moose burger factory!

And the current president has his own turkey story just in time for the holiday. Not only is he a turkey, but he pardons them too. Well, just one. However, it turns out that they groom a number of turkeys for the presidential pardon and the turkeys that didn't make the cut this year will soon be featured in a subway sandwich near you. Seriously. Makes me glad that I don't eat turkey (or at subway for that matter)! If I did eat turkey (or at subway), just knowing that they train certain turkeys to interact with humans and then turn them into sandwiches would make me think twice about it.

Happy Thanksgiving to all and gobble gobble, ya'll!

tags: Thanksgiving Turkey Cheney Alberto Gonzales Willacy County Texas Sarah Palin Bush Subway

My Christmas List

I've given a lot of thought to what I want for Christmas. In light of the economy, I have limited my list to one item. One very essential (and reasonably priced) item. I've picked a shirt that really sums up who I am: a very classy, subtle, yet stylish pineapple. Yep, this is definitely the shirt for me.

tags: pineapple shirt

Hey, Asshat! You Left The Pickle Jar Open.

Again. This time it was especially fun because it was one of those ginormous jars from Costco. No doubt it was a good deal, but that's a lot of pickles (and pickle juice). Let me tell you, there is nothing better than having pickles and pickle juice come flying out of the refrigerator when you are trying to put away the leftovers from dinner. Thankfully, I can't stand the smell of pickles (due to your obsession with pickles and your bad habit of leaving pickle jars slightly open so the smell is ever-present in the refrigerator) because the whole house smells like a big fucking pickle now. I was also thankful to discover that the stove is downhill from the refrigerator because the pickle juice ran underneath it like its life depended on it. I left it to you to take care of that part of the mess. Hopefully you do a better job of cleaning that up than you did closing the pickle jar.

tags: I'm In Bit of a Pickle House

Looking for Something to Watch Tonight?

Are you tired of the same old shows? Then check out Rick & Steve: The Happiest Gay Couple in All the World. I'm going to. I don't think I can pass up the opportunity to see Lego people sing songs about sperm and go to Log Cabin Republican meetings but accidentally end up at the "K K Gay" meeting instead (one wonders how different these meetings would really be). Did I mention this is a show featuring gay Lego people? The second season starts tonight on Logo, which begs the question: how did I miss the first season?

tags: Rick & Steve: The Happiest Gay Couple in All the World Logo

So, What Now?

Now that the election cycle is officially over (except in the states that still haven't called their senate races), I'm wondering what I am going to do with all of my spare time. I'm afraid that I'm looking at a case of post-election depression. I now say goodbye to Mayor McCheese and The Runner Up and wonder what I am going to focus on now. My first order of business was deleting the numerous half-finished blogs that I had written over the past few weeks. And you thought I was just blowing off my blog! I just didn't like what I had to say. Ironically, one of my potential posts was about the $150,000 wardrobe debacle. Turns out that it is more like $200,000 of now missing clothes. Speaking of missing, the Mayor has had the good sense to go home and steer clear of the mass movement of throwing Sarah Palin under the bus. Not that she did them any favors, but sore losers much?

One thing that came out of this election. We now know the answer posed in Iowa, who wins: Oprah or Chuck Norris? We got our answer. Oprah.

So now I decide what to do next. Since today marks the three year anniversary of The Pineapple Report, I think it is time to make some changes. That has been the theme since Tuesday night after all. I'm thinking about a new look, a new focus, and finally updating the "blogs i like". All of the things I have been putting off for the past three years. Who knows, maybe it will be the push I need to actually blog with more frequency. Ha ha ha ha! I have certainly missed the boat for that blogging-everyday-until-your-fingers-bleed-and-you-are-forced-to-start-blogging-about-how-you-have-nothing-to-blog-about for the month of November.

I do have big plans to "go back to my roots" to comment on the strange and wonderful world that produces giant lego men, little boys named Superman and 4Real, and little girls named Le-a (pronounced "Ledahsa"). But don't worry, I will still be "reporting" on important things like the wacky world of Texas politics (the new session starts in January) and the Obama girls' new puppy.

tags: Barack Obama Election John McCain Sarah Palin The Pineapple Report Turns Three! Chuck Norris Oprah Blog Giant Lego Man 4Real Superman Le-a Texas Politics Puppies

Baby Steps, Ya'll

While things are looking good for Obama nationwide, obviously Texas was called for the Mayor. While they are still counting the votes here, this is the thing that struck me: the race was too close to call in Texas for two hours. That is progress. Usually, they can call all of our statewide races almost immediately. We are still a red state, but it seems that red has faded a bit.

We Are Just Hours Away

It was just a little under a week ago that I was in Obama-land. The whole time I was there I was thinking two things. One, that I wished I was going to be there on election night. Sadly, I did not win the front row tickets for the election night rally. And second, I was wondering how the people up in Chicago were ever going to figure out who they are supposed to vote for. Because I live in such a completely red state, it isn't very often that big money candidates run lots and lots of attack ads against one another. Up in Obama-land, all of the candidates are running nasty attack ads about how their opponent was involved in some scandal/committed some crime/voted with Bush. Sometimes all of the above. And then the next ad was their opponent accusing them of the same things. Good luck on Tuesday, Reba and Lauri! You are going to need it when you wade through that long ballot.

Now that I am back in Texas, I am subjected to few ads. Mostly, I see John Cornyn standing in front of a canyon or on a ranch telling me how conservative he is. These ads also explain why he did not ever write me back -- because he likes to stand around in front of canyons and on ranches. Although I felt very hopeful the other day when I actually saw a Barack Obama ad on the TV. Of course, it was on the same channel where I saw that Shannon Bennett of Austin, Texas, had to paint the Obama logo in her front yard because some jerks kept stealing her Obama yard sign. I have also had another small glimmer of hope because a family member that is a Republican is voting for Obama. Could there be more?

And it isn't just up there in Illinois that there are some heated races. It is all over the country. Not only is the presidential race tight; so are a lot of House, Senate, and local seats. This means that your vote counts. A lot. Not only should you vote, but you should get your friends, family and neighbors to vote. Make some calls, send some emails and text messages, change your facebook status, offer to give rides to the polls. Whatever you have to do to get them out there.

tags: Barack Obama Election Get Out The Vote