Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

The Scream has been recovered. How many times does that thing have to be stolen before they upgrade the security?

tags: Art The Scream Munch Norway

All I wanted was a Sprite

So, I'm in Corpus Christi (taking a break from New Mexico) today and I was really thirsty. I was too lazy to actually drive somewhere so I went to the horribly overpriced coke machine instead. I put in my dollar and pushed the button for Sprite and a Diet Pepsi came out instead. So I put in another dollar and pushed the Diet Pepsi button (hoping for a Sprite) and got a Diet Pepsi. So I decided to move on and get a Coke instead. I put in a dollar and pushed the Coke button and got a Diet Coke. At this point, the machine is a lost cause I go down to the lobby to tell my story. The woman at the front desk refunded my money (as she was giggling) and suggested I use the machine on the first floor. I guess by the time the coke machine guy gets to the 7th floor, he just doesn't care. I know I wouldn't.

tags: Travel Corpus Christi Sprite Diet Pepsi Coke Diet Pepsi I Just Want Something To Drink I'm Thirsty!

The miracle of life and other things Pineapple

For the past few days I have opted not to blog. Mostly because I have been busy, but also because I haven't seen much humor for the past few days. On Monday I turned 29. Today one of The Pineapple Cousins asked me "Again???" in a confused and accusatory tone. I'm just going to let that one pass... Anyway, Saturday I had friends over to celebrate another year of Pineapple. It was lots of fun and NO KEYS WERE LOST. On Sunday I met some Pineapple Friends for brunch and then a couple of hours later, The Pineapple Parents for a second breakfast. The plan for the rest of the day was to have lots of rest and relaxation. This was not to be. After a wonderful nap, my one true love and I decided to watch Laverne and Shirley make a mud pit and run around the backyard like lunatics. It was all very funny until everything went horribly wrong.

As The Ladies were racing through the yard, Laverne reached over and grabbed Shirley's collar and they went tumbling. The collar got wrapped around Laverne's mouth and Shirley couldn't breathe. I couldn't get the collar off so I ran inside and got the scissors. By the time my one true love could cut the collar off, Shirley had stopped breathing. Luckily we were able to revive her by winging CPR. I guess all those times asking if Annie was alright paid off. So the long and short of it is that I spent the beginning of this 29th year at the emergency vet with the miracle dog. The Pineapple Dad suggested we rename her Mercedes because she is so expensive. But if my dog is a Mercedes, I have no idea what that would make their dog. She is fine now and that is all that matters.

tags: Pineapple Laverne Shirley CPR Mercedes The Most Expensive Car in the World

No thanks, crazy possum lady

Katherine Harris and her ever growing boobs are in the spotlight once again. This time she had condemned the separation of church and state. She honestly believes that this is not what god intended and it keeps religious people out of politics. Last time I checked this nation has never had any atheist presidents.

Here is the best part of the article:

"Harris told the journalists "we have to have the faithful in government" because that is God's will. Separating religion and politics is "so wrong because God is the one who chooses our rulers," she said.

"And if we are the ones not actively involved in electing those godly men and women," then "we're going to have a nation of secular laws. That's not what our Founding Fathers intended, and that certainly isn't what God intended.""

Here is my are some of my questions:
1. Why did they let her out on the loose without her meds?
2. If the Founding Fathers didn't intend to separate church and state then why did they?
3. If God picks our rulers, why do we even bother with elections?

tags: Politics Religion Katherine Harris Boobs Possums

Back home (for at least five minutes or so...)

I am safely back in Austin, but apparently I was seen as some sort of threat in the Lubbock airport. First, I got a good grilling when I was checking my bag. Then when I took my bag to the place where they look at your stuff before they put it on the plane, I got questioned by them. By the way, that ugly pick bag I bought in Hobbs has been searched every time I have flown. Next to the security check point to get to the gate. I, like the other travelers, took of my shoes and put my laptop in the gray bins to be x-rayed. First they decided my pursue was suspicious and needed to be x-rayed again. Then the guy announced that I had a strange looking laptop. It is called an APPLE, dummy. So one of the TSA workers picked up my laptop like it was a funny looking bomb and tested it with that little wand thing to make sure it wasn't. Even though it passed the test she continued to pick it up, turn it over, and open and close it over and over again. I told her that she was more than welcome to turn the damn thing on to make sure it was a really computer (I mean it was "funny" looking) I even offered to do it for her. I thought I was going to get searched again before getting on the plane, but instead they randomly searched the guy next to me. His crime? Standing next to me and my funny looking computer.

tags: Travel Texas Planes Security TSA Apple Computers on a Plane

Ever hear the expression "Pick a Horse and Stick with it?"

Apparently the astronomy community hasn't. I wake up this morning to find out that Pluto is no longer a planet. But maybe it is a "dwarf planet." So if it is a dwarf planet, wouldn't that still make it a planet? I thought when they started this whole planet definition thing, that we would be getting more planets. Guess not. So what are the schools going to do? Buy lots of Sharpies to black out the part about Pluto in all of the science books???

tags: Planet Space Pluto Astronomy

Today is brought to you by the letter "S"

Ever since I blogged about seeing Snakes on a Plane, my "s" key sticks and it types out multiple esses. Fuck.

Plan B

I'm not really sure what happened over at the FDA, but they approved Plan B for over-the-counter sales. I just figured it would take a different president being in office for that to happened. But I am not complaining because it way past time to make Plan B available to all women. Which they really didn't because you have to be over 18 to buy it. But under age girls will have an easier time getting their hands on Plan B than securing parental consent or a judicial bypass for an abortion. So even with the age restriction, it is a good thing.

Naturally, on Faux (Fox) News they said it terminates pregnancy. What bullshit. You don't know you are pregnant the next day. You do know that it is a possibility and that you don't want to be so you take the morning after pill. Admittedly it has been a while since I took "Health" (my junior year in high school) but I was under the impression that it took a little longer than 72 hours for an egg to be fertilized and successful be implanted in the uterus (maybe only grrrl can help me out here). But no matter how the science of it all works, it is just a matter of time before super-religious pharmacists refuse to sell Plan B because it is against their moral code.

tags: Plan B Morning After Pill FDA

Snakes in a Movie Theater

I'm glad that I didn't see "Snakes on a Plane" in Arizona because some asshole released rattlesnakes in the theater. Way to make a movie un-funny.

tags: Snakes on a Plane Arizona

Its 4:20

You know what that means? It means that it is time for the clerks to take a smoke break. One of the clerks was helping this sweet old lady research some property to settle her mother's estate (she was really old and it made me think her mother must have been ancient) and the clerk told her that she had to get back to her other work because she had a deadline of 4:20. I thought this was odd because the county clerk's office closes at 5:00. Then, about thirty minutes later I heard one of the clerks ask if they were ready to take a smoke break. It was exactly 4:20. I almost fell over from a fit of the giggles.

tags: Travel New Mexico Lovington

Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!

As usual, my life is chaos. However, I did manage to take a couple of hours off to see a movie at the movie theater. I can't remember the last time I did that. Of course, I lost my car key during that time. Whoever found my key and decided not to turn it in -- you suck. As for the movie, all I can say is: "I am mother fucking sick of these snakes on this mother fucking plane!" Samuel L. Jackson rules and so did the movie. It surpassed all of my expectations.

tags: Snakes on a Plane Samuel L Jackson

Elvis is everywhere

and if you find him alive, you can get $3 million. I am on the look out because $3 million would really help out.

I am so going to become a republican

I mean now that W has been on a hog, I mean how can I not vote republican? He has really won me over just by that one stunt. I mean just because he can hop on a Harley, I will totally change my politics.

tags: Bush Harley Davidson

It is monsoon season in West Texas

It is supposed to be dry, but instead it has been raining all night. It is still raining. What the hell? There are flash flood warnings for the area. No shit because everything fills up with water any time it rains. There is no place for it to go. Can't wait to drive to San Angelo.

tags: Texas Travel Its Raining Down in Texas

Doh! They got me!

So, its another fun filled week of travel. Today on the way to Monahans, I got caught in a speed trap. Luckily, this Pineapple can be quite charming (and the fact that one of the Pineapple Cousins is a trooper doesn't hurt) so I was let off with a warning. Whew! I wasn't even going all that fast, just about 5 miles over the speed limit. I guess they like to set up the trap right about where the speed limit changes from 70 to 80 to get some good ones.

Monahans was quite uneventful and I didn't even see anything that was interesting enough for a picture. Boo hiss. On the way back to Odessa I saw several things but the camera was in the back seat. I did see the sign for the Monahans Sandhills Park. I remember going there as a child and having a picnic. I guess it is a great place for that if you like "sand"wiches. Oh, ha ha!

No worries, I should see all sorts of interesting things tomorrow when I go to San Angelo. I bet you thought I would be going back to New Mexico. Well, so did I. But things change ever so quickly in my world. Maybe I will come across a Concho while I am there. We can only hope.

tags: Texas Travel Monahans Odessa San Angelo

Liquids on a Plane

So my trip home was way too exciting for me. As I was leaving Hobbs, it was quickly filling up with water. I almost didn't get out of that crap hole because the streets were really flooded. I'm glad I opted for the gas guzzling SUV. The rest of the drive was uneventful except that the whole time I was worried about missing my plane because the bad weather put me about an hour behind schedule. I finally got to the airport, returned the car, checked my bags, and made it through security. What a pain. The woman in front of me wanted to take her water with her. All I wanted was my lip balm that was in my suitcase and to make my plane. I had about twenty minutes to spare. I got some food and chugged a bottle of water because I was really thirsty. I was really stressed so I thought about taking a Xanax before getting on the plane but decided against it. Boy, did I make a mistake. That was the scariest plane ride I have ever been on. As we were climbing, the plane hit some really bad turbulence (remember that storm I left behind?). That made me nervous, but when the plane started dropping and the lights on the plane flickered on and off I was in full panic mode. It wasn't just me, there were a lot of people screaming. People talk about their whole life flashing before their eyes. I don't know what that is all about because I could think about was how I was going to die (either from the free fall of the plane and crashing to the ground or from the huge lightning right outside the window causing a spectacular fiery death). While it was only a few minutes of uncertainty about whether the plane was going to make it up, it felt like forever. When it the flight attendant came by to take my drink order, I asked for a coke with a lot of bourbon. When she came back to the back of the plane she had a huge fist of cash. People were buying their neighbors drinks and some people ordered more than one. My drink (Jim Beam with a splash of coke as per the flight attendant) was gone instantly. It was a long flight as people were really quiet and nervous. I tried to concentrate on my book but couldn't. I didn't realize how quiet the plane was until it landed and people finally relaxed. I have never been on a plane that emptied that fast.

tags: Travel Airplane Liquids on a Plane

Must See TV!!!

The debate for Texas Governor has been set for October 6! I can't wait for the circus. Kinky, Pretty Boy, Carole Four Names, and the unfortunately unknown Chris Bell (he isn't crazy enough to be governor) are all going to attend. Although I think the Libertairian and Green candidates should be invited to the circus. Why shouldn't they get the same oppurtunity to make a fool of themselves along with the other candidates? And all of you interested out-of-staters, they plan on broadcasting it on the web. I will give you updates as they come across the Pineapple News Desk.

tags: Texas Politics Kinky Perry Strayhorn Bell Libertarian Green Debate Governor

I've been almost everywhere

Sing along if you can. I've highlighted the places I've been. No doubt this blog entry will be updated as I go to more and more places (in Texas).

I've Been Everywhere (In Texas)
Geoff Mack (Texas Version Adapted By Brian Burns)

I was totin’ my pack along the dusty Amarillo road
when along came a semi with a high and canvas covered load.
“If you’re goin’ to Amarillo, Mack, with me you can ride,”
and so I climbed up in the cab and then I settled down inside.
He asked me if I’d seen a road with so much dust and sand,
and I said, “listen, bud, I’ve traveled every road in this here land...”

CHORUS:
I’ve been everywhere, man,
I’ve been everywhere, man,
I’ve crossed the deserts bare, man,
breathed the mountain air, man,
of travel I’ve had my share, man,
I’ve been everywhere.

I’ve been to Waco, Hico, Hondo, Navasota,
Winnsboro, Jacksboro, Hillsboro, Santa Rosa,
Austin, Houston, Galveston, Texarkana,
Frisco, Buffalo, Conroe, Corsicana,
Goliad, Groesbeck, Glen Rose, Red Oak,
Post Oak, Live Oak, Lone Oak, no joke...

REPEAT CHORUS

I’ve been to Krugerville, Pflugerville, Van Horn, Val Verde,
Brackettville, Bartonville, Beeville, Bulverde,
Bear Creek, Cedar Creek, Mill Creek, Mineola,
Maypearl, Monahans, Telephone, Tuscola,
Redwater, Round Rock, Round Top, Round Lake,
Sour Lake, Southlake, Springlake, for Pete’s sake...

REPEAT CHORUS

I’ve been to Greenville, Gatesville, Gainesville, Alameda,
Kerrville, Kellyville, Bastrop, Benavides,
Somerville, Smithville, Stephenville, Prairie View,
Luckenbach, Longview, Plainview, Idalou,
Justin, Junction, Panorama, Pasadena,
Angelina, and Lorena...see what I mean-a...

REPEAT CHORUS

I’ve been to Valley Mills, Pine Mills, Dime Box, Duncanville,
New Home, New Hope, New Deal, Liberty Hill,
Rockport, Rock Creek, Bridgeport, Brownwood,
Cleburne, Comanche, Cut & Shoot, Cottonwood,
Bayview, Bayside, Baytown, Bay City,
Falls City, Center City, Bridge City, what a pity...

REPEAT CHORUS

When it comes to travelin’ Texas, friend,
I’ve been everywhere.

tags: Texas Travel Geoff Mack Brian Burns

What a pain in my ass

In light the new anti-liquid and potential liquids rule, I had to go to hell on earth to get a new bag. Naturally, I bought a bunch of crap while I was here and always take my toiletries in my carry on. I just can't fit everything in my suitcase. I hate the terrorists because now I can't even take my chapstick on the plane. Damnit, my lips are chapped. Now that I've vented... back to work. It never ends.

tags: Terrorism Liquids Potential Liquids

Widespread Panic!

I woke up this morning and turned on the news to see what had been blown up in the middle east. Instead, I woke up to see everyone throwing away their lotion and shampoo. New public enemy number one: hair gel. They just can't stop talking about hair gel. And just in case you haven 't heard we are at terror level red (Britain is at "critical level" which sounds much more sophisticated that "red"). Thank god Bush and Blair are on vacation so they can react quickly! To show us that he is on the ball, Bush is going to Wisconsin to talk about the new terror threat. That makes so much sense. They aren't even going to let you take on drinks that you purchase inside the airport once you've passed security. I'm glad someone else agrees that airport coffee is not safe. I just heard it from the governor of Massachusetts, so I have it on good authority. Personally can't wait to fly out of Midland tomorrow. I'm sure they have taken this plot personally.

I was just about to publich this, when the "reporter" said the terrorist were going to blow up ten airlines! Shows you what I know because I thought they were going to blow up ten airplanes...

tags: Panic Terrorism Bush Airplane Travel Holy Shit We're All Going to Die!