Sour Pineapples

My blogging has been spotty at best recently. More like non-existent with a splash of blog. And I really think I have to blame the Republicans for this one. How interesting is it to bitch about a bunch of out of touch fools that "just say no" to everything? The answer: it isn't. So where does it leave a Pineapple that is still full of resentment about all of the things the last administration jacked up? Basically, on that back shelf in that closet with all of the other broken record players. So all I can do now is muddle through all the "no" sayers and find a few little nuggets of blogginess. So here's my recap of last week.

Tuesday was President Obama's first address to Congress. Because it was his first, it wasn't called actually called a State of the Union Address. Instead he told us how fucked we are. And then he told us how we were going to fix things. And then he told us about people that were getting things done. I bet that girl never imagined that writing a letter to the president about how shitty her school is would land her on center stage during a nationally televised presidential speech. And on a absolutely superficial note, I loved Michelle's dress. Also, he told us he was going to start reforming our health system first thing on Wednesday. Obama is a bad ass.

But the best part of Tuesday night is that we were treated to a crazy speech from Bobby Jindal. Or was it Kenneth the Page? Obviously, Jindal doesn't have any gravitas. Just a wavy arm and a strange cadence to his speech that cannot be attributed to a Louisiana accent. It was also obvious that he watches Fox News and listens to Rush Limbaugh because he actually believes that there is a provision in the stimulus plan for a high speed train from Las Vegas to Disneyland. The "Harry Reid Train" is purely a Republican creation and does not appear in the stimulus plan or any other place on this planet. And then he used examples of the what happened under the Bush administration to explain why government is always bad. And then he played the Katrina card. Unfortunately Harry Lee is dead now and can't refute that bullshit story. And he would have too. Mostly because Bobby Jindal did not go to Jefferson Parish while they were rescuing people with boats. He was safely in Baton Rouge and only flew over New Orleans one time and DID NOT LAND THERE. Naturally, Jindal immediately took his family to Disney World and couldn't clear up his lie or discuss he uncanny resemblance to Kenneth the Page. Here is a scary idea: a Jindal-Palin ticket full of misinformation and an indecipherable web of lies.

But the big news is that the Obama girls are getting their dog in April! I can't wait to see all the pictures of them playing with their new puppy. Don't we all need some happy images right about now?

I Heart Norman Gentle

He is by far the most entertaining thing to hit American Idol. I sure hope he makes it to the Final 12. Seriously. Simon hates him. The headband and the shiny shirt are hot. Isn't that enough to put him through?

A Different Kind of Grocery List

Although we have a paper grocery list, sometimes MOTL uses this erasable board on the fridge to write down what he thinks we need from the store. It is truly unfortunate that I missed out on taking a picture of the last grocery list that MOTL made for me. The previous list included some pretty nasty things like "sand meat" and things I wouldn't want like "plastic cops".

This new list is a little more obtuse. For instance, the first item is: "japs". Am I supposed to pick up some Japanese at the store? That can't be right. "Cheeze" just sounds yucky. I don't even want to know where that is. And the last one is like a lawyer joke gone wrong. When you ask for "torts" are you asking me to get sued or sue someone at the store? That doesn't seem like a good idea. Upon questioning MOTL about the list I discovered that he wanted: jalapenos, cheese, and tortillas.

blogging is a lot like going to the gym...

... you skip a couple of days and next thing you know it has been weeks since you considered writing anything. And honestly, I haven't been compelled to really bitch about much. It seems that my dissatisfaction with the world has been a driving force behind this blog. I guess I really am a bitch. Recently my biggest complaint has been that they don't tell me enough about the Obama girls. Do they like living in the White House? What are they wearing (because they wear the cutest outfits ever!)? How is the hunt for the puppy going? I'm tired of all the bad news. That, and I really love the Obama girls. It makes me smile every time I see them. And don't we need more of that? Personally, I'm looking for some of that hope that the president promised.

So why blog today? Because my muse has made a cameo appearance, that's why! I will almost always blog about my muse and good buddy Alberto Gonzales. He did sign my law license after all. I guess I owe him something for that (read into that what you will). So here's the deal: he's agreed to cooperate with a truth committee (whatever the fuck that is) so long as its truth they are talking about and it doesn't get politicized. And that's how my muse rolls. Karl Rove is screwing around with "executive privilege" while my muse goes straight to redefining the rules. If you don't like what they are asking about you don't have to cooperate because they aren't talking about the truth any more. Guess that lawyer training did pay off after all. It certainly didn't help with that job he had where he was defending the Constitution or whatever it was the American people expected him to do. So I say bring on this "truth commission" thing because I miss my muse.

Hello! And Good Luck, Mr. President

Over the years, I have spent a good deal of time bitching about the state of the nation. "No, kidding!" you say. Truth is, I'm not even close to being done. But what does go without saying is how thrilled I am about today. I could go on and on about how momentous and historic today is, and how people will remember where they were when Barack Obama was sworn in as president. But we know that. If you've turned on the TV in the past week, you know this. I for one, will be locked in my office watching it streaming on the internet.

Here is the important thing: this man is willingly taking on today what has got to be the shittiest job in the world. Normally, one could view being POTUS as the top prize of jobs, but after eight years of destructive policy that just isn't true any more. So this is what I have to say to you, Barack Obama: thank you and good luck. Because you are going to need it.

Never Can Say Good-bye

Seriously. I thought I was done blogging about him. Then I realized that when I got dressed this morning, that today was the last time that I could wear this shirt with any meaning. And if you you don't truly "get" the shirt here is the scoop: Baby Boy Bush was born in Connecticut in 1946 and his family moved to Texas in 1948. Since then, he has wrongly claimed this state as his own. He is really a dumbass Yankee in boots and has a "ranch" where he raises brush. Now that he will (keep your fingers crossed) stay out of the spotlight and quit giving ridiculous interviews and press conferences, he can fade into the country's history as the shittiest president that ever was a president.

A Final Good-bye

This is the tenth and final post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

I'd like to start by saying that I easily could have done a list far longer than the top ten stupidest moments of Baby Boy Bush. Let's face it after living under his thumb since 1995, the list could have been a lot longer. Frankly, being governor of Texas and undoing every good thing Ann Richards ever did for Texas was just practice for undoing the good work our Founding Fathers did. And over the course of this blog I have bashed and ridiculed this asshole for a lot of the things he has done so there is not need to go back and rehash it all. Besides it just pisses me off to think on it too much. One can only hope that at this point, he will go back to his "ranch" in Crawford (and Laura back to Big D as I have heard from a very reliable source) and we will never hear from them again. And in honor of all the foolishness I leave you with this: the segwey accident.

This may not have been the most spectacularly stupid thing he ever did as leader of the free world, but definitely one of the most foolish. He fell off of his mother's segway. Just think about this for a minute. If Barbara Bush can ride that thing without injury, shouldn't he be able to? So goodbye, you clumsy mother fucker and thanks for destroying the economy, the constitution, and our relationships with the rest of the world. You will not be missed.

tags: George W Bush Public Enemy and Loser Leader of the Free World for a few more days

Guess Who's Thinking About Changing Professions?

My old buddy Alberto! That's who! Yesterday I read about how he was going to write a book that tells the truth about the Bush administration. Uh huh. Well, when he's done with that and people start caring what he thinks about things like who the President should appoint to the Supreme Court (because anyone has ever asked his opinion before), he is going to change careers. This was the best quote from the article:

"I'm optimistic by nature. And I'm going to take this experience and things that I've learned and hopefully be a productive member of our community," he said. "I'm very wide open. I've had some people say I'm very fortunate that I'm at a point in my life where if I wanted to do something completely different — be baseball commissioner, for example, I would love a job in baseball, a plug there — I can do it."

I guess this means that when I completely destroy the Constitution and the reputation of this nation, I will be thinking the next logical step in my career will be taking a job as baseball commissioner. That about sums it up.

Really? An Old Texas Saying?

This is the ninth post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

Here, Baby Boy Bush claims that not only is this an old Tennessee saying (this, I cannot verify one way or another) but it is also an old saying in Texas. Unless this is something they say while they are turkey bowling, I vehemently dispute that stupid remark. This was the first time I had ever heard this "old saying." Thankfully, it was not the last because it is really funny.

tags: George W Bush Old Saying Tennessee Texas Can't Get Fooled Again

Tom Craddick is a big fat L-O-S-E-R

And last night he FINALLY came to grips with the fact.** At this point it feels like Craddick has been Speaker of the Texas House FOREVER, but turns out it has only been since 2003. Since Texas is finally a two party state (the Republicans finally stopped calling themselves Democrats and went to their own damned party), Tom Craddick can call himself the first Republican Speaker since Reconstruction. But seriously, that is just because it wasn't cool to call yourself a Republican until the late 1980s. There some that held out until the mid-90s before making the big switch. So truthfully, other people that were really Republicans held office as Democrats (the later traded in their team colors when it was safe to do so). But the point is that very few people will be sad to see him go. The way Craddick has ruled the Texas House makes the German Nazis look like pansies. Anyone that showed any hint of opposition was immediately stripped of their committee appointments and he regularly suspended House rules to prevent voting on a new Speaker. However, it was clear on Friday that with his 11 pledged votes from some brave Republicans and the 60 Democrats that pledged not to vote for Craddick, that Rep. Straus was going to kick Craddick to the curb (so to speak, I'd pay good money to see the real deal). However, in a fit of cowardice of losing he just dropped out of the race last night and is supporting some other asshat that he is friends with. With the House split 76-74 (not so Red in Texas anymore!), the Republicans can't get away with replacing Craddick with more of the same. Hooray!

**If you don't live in Texas, you probably don't give a shit about any of this and that is OK.

Flipping the Bird

This is the eighth post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

Hey! I'm the Asshat they call president! Heh heh heh. See! I can flip you off because I'm the president! Heh heh heh.

Baby Boy Bush making his Mama proud!

tags: George W Bush Flipping the Bird

Bird Shits on Bush

This is the seventh post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

Some asshat once told me that it is good luck when a bird shits on you (a sentiment echoed by this reporter). Obviously, the people that say things like that have never experienced it. I did not feel lucky my freshman year in college when a bird shit on my head while I was flirting with a cute boy. However in the case of this clip, the world at large at least got a chuckle.

tags: George W Bush Bird Shit

Let's Build A Fence

This is the sixth post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

One of the more ridiculous plans associated with the politics of fear and keeping foreigners out of our country as a safety measure is "The Great Fence of Mexico". Because a fence along the border of Mexico is going to keep us safe. Seriously. Don't you remember high level Republicans telling us how dire the border situation is because we don't know why those people from Mexico want to enter this country illegally? Never mind that this fence randomly cuts through private property, border towns, and college campuses. Never mind that there is a ridiculous price tag attached to this fence. And that this fence was never finished. But nevertheless, this fence is really super important ya'll because we really need this fence to keep us safe from terrorists. Obviously no one will ever be able to get over that fence.

tags: George W Bush fence border security Mexico

R.I.P. Eartha Kitt

When I read about her death, they claimed she was best known for singing "Santa Baby", but this is the song that I associate with Eartha Kitt. Here's to the hottest Catwoman. C'est Si Bon.

tags: Eartha Kitt

Even Barney is Fed Up!

This is a special Christmas Edition of my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

Every year the Bush family has subjected Barney to some sort of Christmas adventure. In 2001, Barney and Spotty tell us all about decorating the White House for Christmas through a series of pictures with really lame dialogue. By 2002, the technology of home videos hits the White House and the Barney Cam is born. In 2003, Barney decides to play ball instead of decorating the White House and leaves Alberto Gonzales on his own to figure out where to hang a wreath. This is also the year that Dick Cheney is removed from the White House Christmas website. Bah humbug! And the scroogery continues in 2004 when they decide not to make a new Barney movie and just post the two previous videos. Lame!

2005 presented a new challenge to Barney: Miss Beazley! This is when we see a glimpse of his temper, temper! Don't worry, they work it out in the end.

In 2006, Bush asks Barney, "What's the plot about?" Why Barney didn't just bite him for his bad grammar, I will never know. But the show must go on. Once Barney decides on a "Holiday Extravaganza" he has to ask for money for his production. This is where it gets even better because in response to his budget request, Paulson tells Barney, "we are out of money." Karl Rove auditions and Dolly Parton comes to watch.

"Holidays in the National Parks" was the theme for 2007 and Barney and Miss Beazley don't disappoint. They do what they can to become junior park rangers and we learn about 50 times that the White House sits within one of our national parks.

Unfortunately, we save the worst Barney cam for last. This one just has a bunch of bad acting (which isn't that much different than the other years), but without any redeeming qualities. It is a bad sign when the Olympic gold medalists are the best actors and they aren't that good.

No wonder it has come to this:

That poor dog has got to be sick of their crap by now.

tags: Barney Miss Beazley Willard the Cat Bush Christmas Barney Cam Bites Reporter

Strategery

This is the fourth post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

On February 9, 2001, Bush used the word "strategery" claiming it was a shout out to Will Farrell's performance. Apparently, the term came to be used around the White House quite frequently after that SNL episode. So much that a trial exhibit from the 2007 "Scooter" Libby trial included the term, in Libby's daily schedule for June 10, 2003, which showed that Libby had a 6:00 pm "Strategery Meeting" scheduled to last 90 minutes. So was it a shout out, or did he think it was a real word? My guess is that he heard it so often, he thought is was a proper word. Nice.

tags: George W Bush Scooter Libby Strategery

Turkey Bowling

This is the third post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

Once upon a time there was a fool. This fool had an important Daddy, important friends, and lots of money despite running several fool-proof businesses into the ground. This fool also owned 1% of a baseball team. One day this fool woke up and decided to be Governor of Texas (because owning 1% of a baseball qualifies you for the job). The rest is a history (in a long, dark, seems like it will never end kind of way). But what many people don't realize that those of us in Texas could see what was coming. We were entertained in that horrified-that-the-leader-of-the-free-world-would-say-that kind of way, but never surprised by the Presidential gaffes. You see, he had been doing stupid shit the whole time he was Governor. Some people would call it foreshadowing.

tags: George W. Bush Turkey Bowling video

A Love Letter In My Yard

[Click the image for more BIGGER!]

As luck would have it, I came across an interesting letter just laying about in my front yard. I've been carrying it around in my purse for weeks. Finally, I scanned it and I am going to share anonymous' love with Marshall for the internet-at-large to enjoy. I am most struck by her concept of spontaneous. Simply brilliant! And for the record, I have no idea the identity of the lovely young anonymous or who Marshall is. For those of you that do not have the patience to click for more Bigger, I have transcribed the letter for you.

Dear Marshall,
I think you are so sexy! How come you don't look @ me when I am in Moody hall comp. lab? I even saw you in the library + you didn't even smile! :( Please be mine. I heart you a LOT!! I think that we might be soul mates?! Maybe we can get together. I will give you a special smile next time I see you. To make it more spontaneous I am not going to tell you who I am!
- anonymous

tags: Love Letter To Marshall From Anonymous

Shoes. Shoes. Shoes. Oh My God. Shoes.

This is the second post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series. While this really falls under current events, undoubtedly this will be one of those moments we will fondly remember for years to come.

So while we all await the fate of the Iraqi television journalist that threw his shoes at Baby Boy Bush, we are all subjected to the many videos versions. We have the purist version with subtitles for those us of that are unfamiliar with Arabic (and a slo-mo replay too!):

And the version where the Three Stooges throw shoes and pies and whatever at him. The remix versions and parodies (like the cats and the Austin Powers versions). And now, we are finding that shoe throwing is the new protest. I have been throwing shoes at the president (OK, just my house shoes being hurled at the TV) for years.

But I am a purist, so I prefer Kelly and her search for shoes:

And for the record, I think they should pardon Muntazer al-Zaidi.

tags: George W. Bush Muntazer al-Zaidi shoes

Good-bye to you, W!

This country has suffered through long 8 years of George W. Bush and he has certainly left behind a legacy. A legacy of a couple of wars, a failed economy, and the erosion of our civil liberties. You know, little things like that. So consider yourself lucky that you've only known him since he took office in 2001. Lucky you. I have been suffering through the entire Bush years, beginning in 1995 when he became governor of Texas. You know, his administration hasn't been all torture and violations of the Geneva Convention. He left us with countless hours of gag reels and moments that left us going, "huh?" Since we have all suffered through the dark time, let's take a look back at some of the finer moments of The W Years. Over the next few weeks I will be revisiting some of Baby Boy Bush's finer moments.

tags: George W Bush