so long, kitty

When I first brought you home in when I was a senior in high school, you loved me beyond anything else and would cry when I left you alone. Then one day I was taking you to my room and you saw a plastic lei hanging on my door and you attacked my face. You never felt the same way about me after that. I can't say that I really ever got over having my face clawed.  After the incident, you stopped crying when I left the room and you didn't want to snuggle at night anymore. Then I moved to a place you weren't allowed to live in so I left you with my parents. Despite the attack, I didn't really want to leave you behind.  But I did.  And then you became completely and absolutely obsessed with my dad. You also grew to hate my mom after she dropped a glass too close to you. By the time I lived in a place where you could come live with me, you loved my dad so much that it would have been wrong to move you.

Over the years you were mostly an unfriendly cat to the world at large. When company came to visit you would disappear somewhere in the house. We never did figure out where you went, so we just called it Narnia.  I guess we will never figure out where Narnia is now.

Other than my dad, you had a true love for the family Airedale, Winston. You would demand that we let him in the house so the two of you could hang out and take naps together. After he died, you threw fits at the backdoor for months demanding that we let him in the house. And you never forgave the new dog for taking his place. Astro was never your dog. After Winston was gone, your obsession with my dad grew to new heights. You started demanding he get up and keep you company in the middle of the night and anytime he sat down you were instantly on him trying to get in his face.

And then one day you got nice again. Maybe you had a stroke?  You came out to visit company. You forgave me and my mom for our past transgressions.  You someotime were happy to see me when I cam over.  You even enjoyed taunting Laverne when I brought the girls to visit Astro.  But you never really liked Astro because, well, he was never your dog. You only tolerated him or tried to get him in trouble.  Oh well, you can't like everyone. 

Over the past 19 years, you have been an unusual cat. Your relationship with most of the world was complicated and usually involved blood shed at some point. But we all loved you and will miss you. I hope you enjoy your adventures in Narnia forever more.

dear santa

Today the Neiman Marcus Christmas Book came out.  And so why would be care about the Needless Markup catalogue?  I can tell you why in two words: CUPCAKE CARS.  You heard me.  Cupcake cars.  This is totally what I want for Christmas.  And I want a whole fleet of cupcake cars.  Really, what would be the fun if you were driving a cupcake car on your own?  I mean silly cars that have a matching hat are fun and all, but it would be way more fun with a friend or ten.  When I saw the cupcake cars, I called the Pineapple Dad and made him promise that if he won the lottery he would buy this for me.  At first he questioned why I would want a fleet of cupcake cars, let alone a fleet of cupcake cars.  And then he saw the videos on youtube.  And he agreed that if either one of won the lottery, we are getting a fleet of cupcake cars.  Still doubting that cupcakes are super awesome?  Check this out:



If this doesn't convince you that a cupcake car party would rock your world, then something is wrong with the way you are wired.  Seriously.  

yankee, doodle and dandy

I know I've done a spotty job of keeping you up to date with my pumpkins.  But don't worry I have pictures.  Hell, I even took some while I had the flu.  Not that I remember doing that, but it seems I did.  I'll be posting highlights later this week.  Apparently, I was really into photographing pumpkins, radishes, and lettuce in my fevered state.  Also? I took quite a few pictures of my dogs.  I guess that would be normal if I only remembered doing it...  Anywho, I'm getting off the topic here.

When I started my pumpkin seeds (the second time), I planted a whole bunch just to be sure.  And then they all grew.  So I promised the Pineapple Dad that he could have whatever I didn't plant.  As the weeks went by he would call to check on his pumpkin plant.  He even named it.  Pumpkin Doodle.  Seriously.  I'd pick up the phone and the first thing I'd hear was, "How's Pumpkin Doodle?"  There were several calls where checking on Pumpkin Doodle was the sole purpose for calling me.  Don't worry about how I'm doing.

You may recall that I mentioned my original plan was to dump a pile of dirt in my "garden" and see what happened.  Clearly, that did not happen.  So after my gardening extravaganza I was left with three pumpkin plants.  I called the Pineapple Dad to let him know what to expect and he was thrilled.  And they all have names now: Pumpkin Yankee (the northern most pumpkin plant), Pumpkin Doodle, and Pumpkin Dandy.  And so what did he do when I took them over?  Dumped a pile of dirt on the ground and stuck them in there.

flu-b-gone

Look, I don't know if what I had was swine flu.  Or H1N1.  Or whatever the cool kids are calling it these days.  But it was the flu.  And it was a motherfucker.  I decided not to visit the doctor for a few reasons.  For one thing, I was too sick to drive my sick ass there.  I live alone and who wants to be trapped in the car with someone that clearly has cooties.  Also?  There are sick people at the doctor's office.  I had enough on my plate without being exposed to strange germs just to have a nurse shove a q-tip up my nose to see if I have the flu.  Dude.  I had the flu.  Luckily, I also had a prescription of Tamiflu in my medicine cabinet.  I admit it, I hoard shit.  Not like get your guns ready for the Armageddon kind of hoarding, but I like to keep a stocked pantry and medicine cabinet kind of hoarding.

But it wasn't until I started getting better that I realized how bad off I was.  For one thing, I took some extra doses of Tamiflu along the way and finished early.  Oops.  I also made a double batch of jell-o that I don't remember making at all.  I walked into the kitchen to get a ginger ale and there were two open jello boxes on the counter and a pan of jell-o in the fridge.  Don't get me wrong, I was glad it was there.   But really? Jell-o?  There were some things that got moved around in my house.  I guess I'm lucky I didn't rearrange the furniture in my fevered state.

I also got very bored.  I cleared out my DVR.  I didn't have any books I wanted to read.  And how much time can you really stand to spend on Twitter haranguing people for their complete inability to fact-check a story before publishing it?  Frankly, I found out more than the local newspaper or that hip wannabe website ever did in five minutes sitting on my couch with a raging fever.  But that jell-o turned out to be one of the most interesting things going on at my house.  It wiggles and jiggles, after all.  But your standards for what constitutes entertainment hit a new low when you are holed up like a fugitive in your home for a week.  Technically, I'm better now.  I'm still worn out and all I want to do is stay home and sleep.  Hopefully this will pass because I don't think I can handle another weekend of staring at my wall that really need to be painted.

why dogs don't make you feel better

As I wallow in my misery, I realized that the love my dogs have for me doesn't always make me feel better.  Mostly because they do things like:

1. Steal the blankets.  When I dragged my flu suffering ass home from work and on to the couch yesterday, the first thing that Laverne did was steal my blanket.  So I got another one.  And she stole that one too.  How many blankets does this dog need to get under?  And how can a not-so-swift dog get the better of me over and over?  I'm the one with the thumbs!  Pathetic.

2.  Wake you up in the middle of the night because they want to be talked to and patted on the head.  Seriously.  I woke up because Shirley was staring at me.  Four inches away from my face.  Creepy much? When I opened my eyes her tail started furiously thumping on the bed.  I thought she needed to out so I got up out of bed.  But she just sat there looking at me like I was the crazy one.  I muttered an obscenity under my breath and her tail started going crazy again.  This is when I realized she woke me up so I could talk to her.  I thought I had two dogs so they could keep one another company.

3.  Wake you up at 6:30 in the morning demanding to be let out and fed.  Frankly, I expected more from Laverne because she is notorious for wanting to sleep in.  But not today.  I woke up to her howling at the back door.  Howling.  The dog has never howled.  Ever.  Until 6:30 this morning.

4.  Panic when it starts raining.  I feel like I've been hit by a ton of bricks.  I'm hot.  I'm cold. I hurt all over.  I do not want 100 plus pounds of dog on my lap and in my face.

pineapple plants a pumpkin patch

You may recall that in July I claimed to become a pumpkin farmer. Well, a few weeks into the pumpkin growing, I took my sweet little plants outside for a good soak.  And then I forgot to bring them back in.  They died a tragic, heat related death.  So, I planted a new batch-o-pumpkins.  After weeks of tending to my plants and a week of acclimating them to the outdoors, today was the big day.

When I started, I have a weedy, unruly patch of yard that I blocked off last year.  I never got around to building beds for a garden.

First I need to back up the story.  There once was a HUGE tree in my backyard.  It was probably one of the oldest elm trees in the neighborhood.  However, we have been in a drought for the past two years and had extreme heat this summer.  This lovely tree dropped a huge limb on my roof and slowly began to die.  I had the tree taken down.

And then I had the tree guys turn it into mulch and leave it in the front yard.  Much to my neighbor's dismay, it has been sitting in that huge pile for over a month.  Come on!  It has been too hot to do anything with it.

My original plan was to dump so dirt piles in my weedy patch and see who would win - the pumpkins or the weeds.  But I just couldn't do it.  So I went back to my original plan that never came to fruition.  So I started by using the old newspapers to act as a weed barrier.

And then I put a whole bunch of mulch around the beds to cover up the pretty, pretty newspaper.

And then I put a whole bunch of dirt and compost in the beds and mixed it up.  And I built some mounds for the plants and covered that with even more mulch.

Bring in the pumpkins...

And then I put 'em in the dirt and watered them real good, like.

Now I just have to finish the other half of my garden to put in some other veggies I picked up at the garden center when I went to get more dirt.  Tomorrow I take the rest of the pumpkin plants to the Pineapple Parents for their pumpkin patch.  I am a gardening fool.

Do You Know How Much I Love My Dogs?

So much that when I accidentally bought salmon dog food, I still fed it to them.  Besides wondering how much I spoil my dogs, you may wonder why this is a sign of my love?  First, I freely admit that my dogs eat much better than I do.  Hell, no one puts a spoonful of yummy canned dog food on my kibble every night.  Or a dollop of yogurt on my morning kibble.  Not that I'd want that, but I think of it as like if someone gave you a salad and then put a whole bunch of ranch dressing on it.  I'd like the salad much better.  So here's where the love comes in.  I am violently allergic to salmon and the smell of it makes me want to hurl.  When I was putting the cans in the pantry and I saw that I grabbed a can of nasty salmon, I considered just throwing it away.  Then I thought that was wasteful and decided to exchange it for something not so gross.  Then I got lazy.  But today I got brave.  And while I didn't hurl, I'm not hungry for dinner anymore.  Maybe this is a new diet plan because you could offer me all the ranch, mayonnaise, butter, bacon, and fried whatever and I'd still turn it down.  

Nobody Puts Baby In the Corner

RIP Patrick Swayze. You made some of the best crappy movies ever made.

RIP Jim Carroll

I didn't know you, but I have friends who did. I know it is a little late, but I had a send off for you today. I cranked up "People Who Died" and danced while the dogs barked wildly (they aren't fans of my dancing). Hope you liked it.

I had no idea!

Did you know that the Ford Pinto hit the American market on September 11, 1970? I had no idea until I was watching Countdown last night (yes, how lame of me to sit at home alone on a Friday night watching a newsertainment show). Frankly, I'd rather remember that on September 11th. Much less depressing, no? I mean, check out this ad:

After all, it was the little carefree car (with just a little case of fire and explosion).

Do They Really Think We Will Forget?

I'm not trying to make light about what happened on 9/11. I am certainly not going to get into whether it was an act of terrorism or an inside job (does it matter? the end result is that a lot of people died.). And I would never start a debate on how a certain administration took advantage of the situation to start a really unnecessary war (at this point, it should not be a question). But here's the thing. Ain't nobody forgetting. And, frankly, I'm sick of people telling me not to forget. I'm not interested in your stupid status updates about never forgetting, I don't want your cheesy or depressing emails about what happened to those poor people that day, and I don't care how much it upset you to see that shit go down on the TV from the safety of your own home (I promise it was much worse for the people that were there or had friends and family that were there).

Because here's the other part that we really shouldn't forget:
1. The way our president sat in that classroom after he was told what happened and didn't move his sorry ass into action for like 15 minutes. And then he made ridiculous speeches about wanting people "dead or alive". I blame that yankee from Connecticut for making my home state look like a fucking joke (please note, I know there are others that now carry his torch).
2. The way the government told us we should buy duct tape to protect ourselves from terrorist attacks (are you fucking kidding me? I needed to buy some duct tape for a valid reason and couldn't find any. What bullshit. And MREs? No thanks.).
3. The way the media ran stories about how scared we should be and that people in Middle-of-fucking-nowhere, USA were in imminent danger of terrorism attacks. (Yes, because terrorists have heard all about your shitty community and hate you personally.).
4. The way ready.gov explained what I should do when the dirty bomb hit Austin (There were maps and everything. Way to tell the bad guys EXACTLY where to go!).
5. The way that now when you disagree with the government, you are now labeled un-American, not exercising your rights as an American citizen.

This last point lives strong today. And frankly I blame this intolerance as the start of why we, as a country, can no longer have a meaningful debates about anything. The townhall meetings are evidence of that. Biting someone's finger because you disagree is just not right.

So, if you don't like what I have to say, you can call me un-American. Whatever. All I can do is paraphrase the Loco Gringos and say, "Fuck you, I'm from Texas."

Grow up!

My DOGS paid better attention to the President than some people (hello! Eric Cantor I could see you texting and fooling around on your phone the whole time Obama was speaking. Maybe if you paid attention you would learn something). And my dogs did not yell out inappropriate or regrettable things during his speech (Joe Wilson, you should not call the President a liar when he clearly is not. Show some respect, asshat). In fact, they sat on the couch a listened the whole time. Often times they politely wagged their tails (of course, they have always loved Obama). And they probably understood more than Charles Boustany as evidenced by his rebuttal (how many times were you sued for malpractice anyway? three?).

At this point, I am going to insist that the Republicans take some lessons in manners from my unruly dogs. That may be the only way we will get healthcare reform.

09.09.09

Really? What does this mean? Satan is standing on his head? That we all live in a yellow submarine? Seriously. What is the deal??? I guess it is cool that the date is all matchy and The Beatles are on the radio all day. Number 9. Number 9. Number 9. Other than that, today has been kinda funky. For thing, mad hung it up today. No more drunken haikus! This makes me sad. All good things really do come to an end.

And then at the grocery store, I think my soulmate was in line in front of me. I didn't talk to him though. We had almost the same things in our carts. I'm not sure I would have picked some of the yogurt flavors I saw, but I'd be willing to give some of them a shot. Especially for my soulmate. Even the overworked, underpaid checker noticed that our carts were full of the same stuff. Here's the rub. My soulmate? Apparently is an old gay guy. Otherwise, I might have asked him over for some organic, hormone free yogurt. I'm not much of one for dating gay men. It doesn't really lead anywhere.

The long and short of it is that I discovered my dog, Laverne, gets a little wiggy over certain Beatles songs (especially songs from the album Abbey Road) and I have a fridge full of yogurt.

Ugh!

It has been a long month since my last post. I've been semi-posting tweets because most days 140 characters is about all I can handle. But now that I have a new bad ass MacBook Pro and a clean desk in a functional home office, I find myself almost inspired. Please note that I said almost. Yesterday, I hit some sort of twitter wall because I couldn't keep it under 140 characters. And I tried. And tried. And tried some more. I thought about logging into the blog yesterday, but my thoughts were still too scattered. Also? I thought it was much more important to get all of my photos transfered from my old computer. And there were a lot of them. I also thought I should change all of the music on my iPods (how did I end up with two? and why do I think I need to use both of them?). Some of the redundancy in my life boggles the mind. But here I am.

By about 7:02 this morning, I decided that four day work weeks are just a crap idea. This was about the time I checked my work email this morning and saw that my most favorite complainant wanted another go 'round. Next I had to explain to someone that just because you build a little shelf and put your full sized dryer on a rack in a closet over a top loading washing machine (the lid doesn't fully open), that doesn't mean you have a stackable washer dryer unit. Seriously, the picture looks like it came from one of those "you know you are redneck when" emails. Maybe I should scan the picture and start an internet sensation. And why is this part of my job anyway? I have no idea. This all occurred within my first two hours of work (one lunatic per hour???). The day did not improve (the one lunatic per hour quota continued and was often exceed). The rest of it is either too boring or just too shitty to repeat. In short, four day work weeks just mean you have more shitty things packed into less time. All crap. No waiting.

And I'm mad at the Republicans. Since when is it "indoctrination" to tell children to work hard in school? Sturdy so you can ne a socialist, too??? One of my friends said she listened to President Obama's speech backwards and heard the Communist Manifesto. I just wonder if after posting that on Facebook, if people are taking her seriously and seeing if it is really true. Bask in the sarcasm, people!

And I'm also mad that people think it is OK to tell people that you hate the president and that he should die like a slug (check out the video on youtube of the pastor from Arizona). What is up with that? I think it was pretty clear that I hate what Cheney, McCain, Palin, and Rick Perry (especially him right now), and other like them stand for, but I don't ever recall suggesting that they die like slugs (or any other way for that matter). Mostly I just wish they would shut up an go away.

But one piece of enjoyment of late? The Gonzales Cantata! You should totally listen to it. The dude won't go away either. First he is for an investigation of allegations of CIA torture of prisoners. And then against it the very next day. It is always shocking that anyone cares what he thinks, but there is no accounting for what Fox "News" will air. I also wonder if his teaching style is like that. Today you have an A, but then the next day he decides you got a D.

Well, that certainly wouldn't fit in one tweet.
And coming soon: more pumpkin news. I bet you thought I forgot!!!

Shirley Le Pew

I usually wake up to go to the hell job when it is still kinda dark outside. So sometimes, the dogs think they are helping me by asking to do out on Saturday "morning" when it is still dark and early. Today was one of those days. Shirley asked to go out (there was no indication that she was going on a kill mission) and Laverne stayed hidden under the covers. I didn't think anything of it until I heard a big tussle and snarling. I turned to go back outside to see what happened when Shirley came racing back in the house and went straight to the bathroom. And then I smelled it. SKUNK. That is not what you want to deal with when you are groggy, the house is dark, you aren't wearing your glasses, and you don't even know where anything is that you might need to clean a skunky dog. I'm certain Shirley is still a little skunky, but I know that the house is really skunky. I figured that out when I decided to water the yard since I was already up. Coming back in the house was a horrible shock (the candles are lit and the house is open despite the already uncomfortable temperatures outside). Good thing I have house guests coming later today. What do you say to them? Something like, "so glad you could make it in time to share the skunk!"

tags: skunk

The Glamour of Being a Single Pineapple

Friday night was a single girl's dream night. Instead of going to a party, I stayed in with my dogs. First the dogs had anxiety attacks about all the lightening and thunder (no rain -- it was all for show). My plan was to go party after then danger had passed. Once "the storm that never was" did finally blow over, it was party time. Just not in the way I was planning. Shirley got a nice case of explosive diarrhea. Lovely, huh?

Instead of getting ready to go hang out with some interesting new people, I had to make a run to the Walgreen's for Kaopectate for the dog. The upside of this is that the trip to the Walgreen's was interesting. Of course going to a drugstore in the 'hood at ten at night always is interesting. First I saw a very large tranny in line wearing a microscopic halter top and mini skirt. She was twice my size, yet wearing clothes smaller than mine. She was dressed like Lula from the Stephanie Plum books -- except the tranny was born a Hispanic man instead of being a vary large black woman. I wanted to ask if she was called Lula, but that would have been rude and she could have totally snapped me like a twig. And then when I was leaving the parking lot some dummy pulled out right in front of me. I had to slam on the brakes. This is when I noticed all of the bullet holes in the car. But after seeing the way they drive, I understand why someone would want to shoot them.

By the time I got Shirley all squared away and diarrhea free, it was 4 am and I was not in the mood to party. And this is why being a single pineapple is so glamorous.

tags: the single life of a pineapple

This is why I love the internets

Yesterday, two videos were brought to my attention and I really felt like I should get in touch with my inner-kindergartener and share them with you. I really needed a laugh yesterday (not so much today because I have the day off) and both of these videos deleivered in their own special way.

First is the video is a genius telling us about how to get this economy turned around. Well, maybe that's what this about. I'm not exactly sure. When I sent this video to Nervana she asked me the following: "so.........how did sarah palin change her looks so radically?!" These women certainly have the same speech writer if they are actually different people. I'm just wondering how people managed to keep themselves from laughing out loud and who was that fool that clapped when she was done rambling about the free food and the machines that can make stuff?

And speaking of Sarah Palin (I know! I can't let it go!), I absolutely loved William Shatner's reading of her tweets. As far as I'm concerend, Twitter has now become one of the best inventions ever. Before this, I really could take it or leave it. I wish he would make an album of Twitter poetry readings -- I'd be first in line to buy it.

tags: youtube video santa cruz city council meeting sarah palin William Shatner Rules! twitter

see ya soon, Sarah!

She may have resigned as Governor of Alaska this week, but we all know she isn't gone forever. That lady is like a bad case of herpes. She always comes back at the most inconvenient times. So I won't say goodbye, just so long for now. And I leave you with her memorable 1984 performance.

Farmer Pineapple

I didn't say pineapple farmer. Although I guess I am. I have three non-producing pineapple plants. I only harvested that one lemon sized pineapple when I was pineapple farming at work. Obviously the direct result of dedicated state employment. Here is the beauty I harvested on 8/25/08*:

So now that I'm single and have all this time on my hands (read severe sarcasm here), I've decided to grow a crop of pumpkins. Actually, I had a hell of a time finding pumpkins to bake last year so I decided to grow my own. Besides, why spend your time growing useful crops when you can have a whole bunch of one thing, right? So this desire to grow some pumpkins has grown into a mild obsession. And I'm not the only one (not that it makes my obsession any less odd). The Pineapple Parents have started calling for daily pumpkin updates and demanding pictures. Maybe this is some sort of substitute for the grandchildren it looks like I will never give them? In light of this shared obsession, I've decided that the internet as a whole will also be very interested in my pumpkins' progress as well.

I planted the seeds on 7/14/09. "They" say that it takes about 100 days from planting until harvest. That puts me at about October 22nd. Here is a picture of dirt in an egg carton:

Then the wait was on. For days my dirt sat in front of the window with out any change for days! And then one by one the seeds started to sprout. Here is what the pumpkins looked like on 7/26/09:

And here is a bird's eye view of my pumpkin sprouts:

As of 7/28/09, my pumpkin sprouts are really taking off:

Here is a close up of the first seed to sprout:

Later this week, I am going to transplant my little plants into bigger containers so they can grown BIG and STRONG before I kill them in in the Texas heat. Until things cool off, I'm keeping my fingers crossed (and hopefully my thumbs green) and hoping for pumpkins to make a proper pumpkin pie for turkey day this year.

*as always, you can click the pictures for much more bigger!

tags: pumpkin gardening texas

and then there was one...

well, one pineapple with two dogs. That's because I came home Wednesday and the former MOTL had packed up his shit (well some of it along with the good TV and the remote to the cable box -- bring it back!) and moved to the landfill in Wimberley. So things have been a little off here. I keep meaning to blog (not about my personal bullshit), but for the past week I've just been too bitchy or whiny to do it. Also, I've spent the past week adjusting to the single life. I think it will take some time to get in the swing of being on my own (and not someone's keeper) after five years of whatever. All I know is that my house is a wreck and there is still some ginormous piece of Styrofoam that is painted like a boulder in my backyard that did not move to the landfill with the former other half. When it appeared in the backyard a few weeks ago (conveniently after the bulk trash pick up) I made my feelings clear that it needed to go back from whence it came. It is big and ugly and it looks like this:


When I first commented on how awful it was, I was told that I just didn't understand. Damn straight I don't understand why I would want something like that and I also don't understand why it is still here. Pick it up when you bring back my remote!

Getting my life in some sort of order has been difficult. Mostly because something horrible has happened to my foot -- I have this excruciating and mysterious pain that causes random swelling and constant discomfort. How can I wash that man right out of my hair (and my house) if I can't even walk?!? Today, I had it x-rayed. When the nurse, the doctor, and the x-ray technician each asked which foot was hurting I always replied "my left foot," no one even blinked. I thought it was funny (at least ironic because my left foot was the only thing not working), but maybe they get that all the time. So, now I hobble alone. OK, I hobble with two constantly panicked dogs underfoot as I relearn how to cook for one.