Another Thing You Should Not Watch

With the upcoming holiday, you may be considering going to the movies. My family likes to go to the movies on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Twelve years ago, the Thanksgiving movie wasn't so much an option. But since UT joined the Big 12 and got screwed out of our traditional Thanksgiving Day game with the Aggies(its on Friday now), this is no longer a problem. Back to my real point, if you are thinking about going to a movie this weekend just skip Beowolf. You may be saying to yourself, "Hey, Pineapple! But its in 3-D! It is going to be good!" Well, not so much. Go see one of the other mediocre holiday movies out there. By the time the movie started, I was super excited. The fact that there were two trailers for other 3-D movies was very exciting. I've been waiting for 3-D movies to come back into style since The Pineapple Dad took me to see The House of Wax when I was a child. And, yes, I am the kind of person that would go see a smell-o-vision movie if they had them. I get excited about movies with gimmicks.

When I was in high school, they made us read an abridged version of Beowolf which was missing any sexual references. I hated it because it was too long and there was not enough action. I guess back when this was written people liked that kind of thing. It was my thought that people talking and doing stuff would fix this problem. Unfortunately, the story was still slow and long. About halfway through the movie, The Pineapple Dad started complaining that the movie was never going to end. This made me laugh because I was thinking the same thing. 500 hours later, it finally ended. After the movie, MOTL(My One True Love) said he was considering walking out and waiting for us in the lobby but decided the theater seats would be more comfortable than waiting for us outside for how many years it was going to take for the movie to end. For some reason, The Pineapple Mom liked it. Going into this, I had figured we would like it and she wouldn't. How wrong I was about the whole thing!

If you are thinking that it is worth it just because it is in 3-D, you are mistaken still. I think they threw the same battle ax to the right of my face about 50 times and I lost track how many times they used the ground level shot so they could kick rocks and dirt to the right of my face. At one point in the movie they used this trick about every 30 seconds. The twenty minutes of 3-D in the last Harry Potter movie were much more impressive. They managed to make you feel like you were in the middle of the action. Things came at your face from all directions and things zipped past your head from the back. With the surround sound added into the mix, you could hear it coming but you were alway surprised at how it almost missed hitting you. Because of this, I know that 3-D can be a much more intense experience. The other big problem with Beowolf, was that all of the people were creepy because their bodies did not move properly and their faces did not have any expressive movement.

Since I saw The House of Wax, 3-D glasses have changed. And not for the better. They look cooler because they look like a cheap version of Ray Bans. But the goofy glasses at the IMAX are much more comfortable. Because I wear glasses, I had to put these tight fitting 3-D glasses over mine. By the time I had spent 1000 hours in that movie, my face really hurt. I think the people that designed these 3-D glasses are the same people that had no problem beating up kids wearing glasses on the playground. Note to Hollywood: not everyone is so vain that they had to have lasik or wear contacts to hide the flaw of having bad vision. While I may consider the surgery someday, I will never stick my fingers in my eyes day after day. Besides, my glasses are really cool.

So the point of all of this? Beowolf was a crappy movie.

tags: Entertainment Beowolf 3-D The House of Wax