Hamlet 2

"My life is a parody of a tragedy" -- Dana Marschz, Hamlet 2

Yesterday, the Pineapple Family went to see Hamlet 2. We all laughed our asses off. Frankly, I am baffled as to why the reviews are so tepid and why our presence doubled the number of people in the theater. Why wouldn't people want to see a movie that features fantastic songs like "Rock Me Sexy Jesus", "Raped In The Face", and "You're As Gay As The Day Is Long"? Maybe the masses just don't get the funny. We all laughed from start to finish and still had the giggles after we left the theater. Steve Coogan was hilarious and Elisabeth Shue did a fantastic job of playing herself. I've already downloaded the soundtrack from iTunes so I can learn all of the songs. I plan to sing along next time I go see this movie. If you are looking for a good laugh, I highly recommend Hamlet 2.

tags: Movie Review Hamlet 2 Steve Coogan Elisabeth Shue Rock Me Sexy Jesus

Reporting Live from Austin, Texas!

That's right, once again this Pineapple has access to the entire internet. Not just the parts I could access at work. First, I'd like to thank those who were concerned about my computer troubles. Turns out that your dogs can only yank the power cord out of your Apple so many time before it just won't work anymore. Touchy little bugger, huh? Actually, the Crapple had been transformed back to its normal state of Apple early last week, but since I am living in such a strong economy (isn't that what Mayor McCheese said?)I had to forgo picking it up and use the last of my pay check for another luxury item called electricity. I picked air conditioning over that other luxury item called food. It's been pantry surprise at my house for a while now. I am eating those canned items you always wonder why you bought them in the first place. Now that I have been eating them, I can't say that I have a good answer. Who needs a can of unsalted garbanzo beans? I still haven't been hungry enough to figure out what i meant to do with that one. But the beauty of living in a strong economy where your paycheck stays the same size while the price of everything goes up, is that you have the opportunity to clean out your pantry in a creative way, right?

Well I am back online and I'm itchy to blog, blog, blog. So much has happened since my disappearance from the wild wacky world of "The Internets". Obama picked Joe Biden as his running mate, the Democrats had a fantastic and historic convention, and then Mayor McCheese picked his beauty queen, I mean, running mate. So let's review...

JOE BIDEN:

While I was not surprised Obama picked Joe Biden, I was surprised by the 3 a.m. text message. I guess this blows Hillary's theory that Barack Obama is afraid to use the phone in the middle of the night. And Joe Biden rocks. He made a good choice and can't nobody argue with that.

THE CONVENTION, A RECAP:

Monday - Teddy Kennedy is always good. He's really come along way since he stopped driving drunk over bridges. Seriously though, he is a great man that has done a lot for this country and he deserves all the praise and kudos plus some. This Pineapple hopes that they can fix his brain cancer and he can continue to serve as long as the people want him. And Michelle was pretty awesome, too. I think it went a long way to show the people that she will be an excellent first lady. But the winner of the night? Those cute Obama girls! I hope they let the girls do some campaigning because they are super fun.

Tuesday - Was Hillary's night. She did what she needed to do and she did it well. And quite frankly, I got really tired of people implying she was doing it strictly so she could be president one day. One commentator even suggested that she and Bill would secretly vote for McCain in November. Let's be clear about this, I am no fan of Hillary Clinton. BUT these comments about her being too ambitious and having secret hopes that McCain will win are uncalled for. Yes, she was in it to win just like all of the other candidates. I'm sure it is disappointing to come in second. I know I wouldn't like it. BUT I think she was in it for the right reasons and now she want to pull the party together and kick John McCain's ass. And if she had given speeches like that throughout her campaign and steered clear of the negative shit, she probably would have been speaking on Thursday night instead.

Wednesday - Bill Clinton. Blah, blah. Good speech, blah, blah. Of note? His time limit was ten minutes and he took about twenty. But since we all know that would happen, don't you suspect that they told him he had ten minutes so he would give a twenty minute speech? He's like that friend that you lie about the time when you are meeting them somewhere. You know, you tell them 5:30 when you plan on meeting them at 6:00 because they are alway late. And then Joe Biden! It was like he had been reading my blog when he went on the attack of Mayor McCheese's policies. I was at home cheering him on and saying, "I wrote about that, too!" So now, I am convinced that Joe Biden reads my blog and I'm sticking with that no matter how implausible that is.

Thursday - Even Pat Buchanan agrees, Barack Obama rocked the house. And what a fantastic way to spend my birthday. Seriously. On Wednesday, I watched it live when the convention officially nominated Barack Obama by acclamation and was deeply moved. And Thursday really just hit the whole thing home for me. As always, Obama gave a great speech. He made some really great points, gave a solid plan on how he was going to meet his goals, and fixed it so that any one doing negative campaigning looks like a petty asshole. Good job!

SARAH "WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?" PALIN:

Because I am a political nerd, I had an idea of who she was before Mayor McCheese brought her into the train wreck that is is campaign, but had you? Probably not. I figured out he was naming her early on Friday morning (it was the rumor of the private jet flying from Anchorage to Cincinnati late Thursday night that clued me in). When I put my theory to one of the token republicans in my office, he pooh-poohed the idea as being ridiculous. I bet he's glad he didn't take the money bet now.

Frankly, I am so deeply offended by the choice and by her that she is getting her own blog entry. Well, one of many anyway. But let's just put his out here now. What kind of judgment is Mayor McCheese showing when he picks someone with virtually no experience, who's youth really accentuates his age, that he has only spoken to twice previously to making his decision, who is under investigation, and who lied the first time she spoke after being picked? I will leave the answer to you.

tags: The Return of The Pineapple Report Politics Election 2008 President Barack Obama Michelle Obama HIllary Clinton Bill Clinton Joe Biden Democratic Convention Denver Pat Buchanan John McCain Sarah Palin

Me and My Crapple

This has been a difficult week in the world of Pineapple. For one thing, on Sunday my computer turned off for no reason. I finally got it turned on, made backups of everything of importance and then lost power again. In short? I watch helplessly as Mayor McCheese continues on the campaign trail while I'm left wondering how can I get a new computer to use for the sole purpose of blogging about him. Mayor McCheese is always doing the dumb thing and this Pineapple must remain silent (or misappropriate state resources because she is desperate to blog).

So here are some of the blogs I could have written if I only had a new Apple with a battery that works:

1. Mayor McCheese Changes His Mind (Again): Flashback to Mayor McCheese's joke that he stopped beating his wife. So funny. Not! Now come back to the present day and picture Candy McCain standing by her man with a sling on her arm. She says she sprained it when she was shaking hands with an over zealous fan. Really? Because I thought maybe she ran into a wall. Or maybe she just related to the Glass Man (Amelie reference). But if her goofy ass outfit is any indication, they gave her some pretty strong drugs for that arm. Note to self: start shaking hands with over zealous fans.

2. Mayor McCheese Discovers The Wikipedia: After some speculation as to whether he has really learned how to use "The Internets" or "The Google" we find that he can use "The Wikipedia". After making a riveting speech about Georgia (no doubt his opinions carefully crafted by his campaign advisor that also doubles as a lobbyist for the country of Georgia), we discover that Mayor McCheese is also a contributing author to The Wikipedia. I mean how else could his speech and the entry for Georgia have three entire passages that say the same thing, word for word? And speaking of Georgia, I have also been enjoying the messages that the Georgian president has directed to Mayor McCheese. How nice that he is already owned by another country and he hasn't even been officially nominated?

3. Best Quote of the Week (so far): "I'm tired of being the middleman between crazy and crazier" Keesha of BB10 (referring to April and Libra during her screaming and crying freakout). I love irony!

So, I am trying to get this whole Crapple thing worked out. But until then, my blogging will be limited at best as I am not looking to get fired from my job. Wish me luck.

The Question of the day is: "WTF?"

1. Dan Quayle has announced to Matt Lauer that John Edwards' affair ended his political career. While that may or may not be true, why are we asking some fool without a viable political career himself about the status of someone else's career? He can't even spell the word "potato". I suppose you could argue that he is an expert on non-careers in politics. Matty also asked and listened to his opinions on the "new" Russia v. Georgia conflict. Who cares what this guy has to say about either topic. So I ask, wtf?

2. According People.com's latest news, Angelina Jolie hasn't picked a presidential candidate. And we care why? Has she become some sort of political expert since my Crapple stopped working over the weekend? And is so, wtf?

3. And speaking of president, according to the New York Times John McCain is on phone restriction to keep him from saying stupid shit (like that's going to help!). Apparently, he is prone to adopting the last opinion he heard. And people want him to lead a nation? And to that I say, wtf?

Mayor McCheese Announces He Isn't Running For President After All

Isn't that wishful thinking? Actually, the rumors circulating are that he is only running for one term. Who does he think he is? James K. Polk, Napoleon of the Stump? I just don't think he can manage to accomplish as much in four years for several reasons: we already have an independent treasury, the Mexicans turned over the lands they did command, and the English already sold us the Oregon Territory*. All things that Mayor McCheese remembers. I'd bet if he was elected President that he wouldn't be allowed to act on behalf of himself anyway, much the same way he does not speak on behalf of his campaign. So why bother running for president? And why bother electing someone that knows he is too old to serve for more than four years? I suppose the upside of all of this would be that on the unlikely change he won, we would only get stuck with three terms of Bush instead of four. How is that for some positive Monday morning thinking?

* Thank you, They Might Be Giants for this lesson in history.

I Was So Going To Boycott The Olympics

Seriously. I even told people that I was going to boycott the Olympics. I honestly believe that China should never have been selected to host the games because of their "issues". You know, its the little things like Tibet, censorship of information and ideas, and human rights violations. But the real reason I was going to "boycott" the Olympics was because I really lacked an interest. It is very easy to take the moral high ground when it doesn't inconvenience you. Besides, telling someone you are boycotting the Olympics sounds better than not watching them because you are apathetic. Well, people, the apathy is gone. Last night I was on the phone with the Pineapple Dad and we were looking through the channel guide discussing what was on TV when we discovered that there are foreign language channels devoted to the Olympics. I can't answer you as to why we were even discussing the foreign language channels as neither one of us is fluent in any of them -- but I guess that isn't really the point to this story that seems to be getting longer and longer. In short, there is a Korean channel and a Mandarin Chinese channel. We watched some soccer on each channel and came to the same conclusion. If we are going to watch the Olympics, we are going to watch them in Chinese. Yesterday afternoon, I watched China vs. New Zealand and Netherlands vs. Nigeria. And what makes it more interesting it that they don't tell you what they are going to be showing that day. The channel guide lists it as "Sports Misc." I can't wait to watch the Miscellaneous Olympics!

tags: China Olympics Boycott

Today's Funny

If you haven't seen this, you should. Mayor McCheese drives around in a tour bus with a Obama sticker on the bumper. This picture is fuzzy, but obvious about what it portrays. Awesome. Kudos to allthingsobama!

tags: All Things Obama Blog John McCain Bus Obama Bumper Sticker Photo

Mayor McCheese Pimps Out Candy McCain and other wonderful things

I bet you've been wondering where I have been the past few days. I mean Mayor McCheese has accomplished so much in the past few days. When he first started perfecting his comedy routine about the tire pressure thing, I was very tempted to jump all over it. I mean how funny is it that Mayor McCheese criticizes the idea that keeping your tires inflated can save gas when NASCAR has been promoting this for years Not only that, but Candy McCain did a publicity stunt at a race track just the day before Mayor McCheese started down this slippery slope. The irony continues when you realize that The Governator and Governor Crist (his most viable and likely running mate) were as recently as the week before promoting this tire pressure thing? Or that W was even on board with this crazy plan. But what I do know, is that I would love to have one of these:

In case you are wondering, Mayor McCheese is still offering these wonderful tire pressure gauges to people that donate $25 to his campaign.* I am almost tempted to donate because I would use that thing to check my tire pressure everyday. If you send me one, I will keep a log on my blog about my tire pressure.

So despite the mounting evidence that keeping your tires inflated really does make a difference, Mayor McCheese took his comedy act on the road. You know, visiting places like a nuclear plant and Sturgis. This is where things get interesting. This is when we find out what a pimp Mayor McCheese is. Pimp McCheesey again tells a bunch of bikers about the silliness behind the tire pressure thing (after some complete break down where he forgets how to speak the English language). But he doesn't stop by bashing on Obama's energy plan. Oh no. He tells these bikers that he is going to win the war "the right way, by winning." Which leaves me to wonder can you win a wrong way by winning? I don't know. So the kookiness doesn't stop there (because why would it?)-- he then suggests that Candy McCain could be the only person to serve as first lady and as Miss Buffalo Chip. I hope she likes bananas because eeeeeeeuw!

But really, the final blow to his campaign during my blogging absence? The fact that Paris Hilton has announced her candidacy. She should be president because she is hot and frankly, she has a better energy policy than Mayor McCheese. See for yourself:

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

The frightening thing? I kind of wish she would be part of the presidential debates because at this point PARIS HILTON IS MAKING MORE SENSE THAN JOHN MCCAIN. And how fucked up is that? Also, when Mayor McCheese will insult Obama by comparing him with the daughter of his campaign donors it makes you wonder how he treats people that don't contribute to his campaign. Maybe we should order some Obama tire pressure gauges after all.

*This is particularly hilarious because he has since admitted that, in fact, proper tire pressure does save gas.

tags: John McCain Cindy McCain Energy Policy Tire Pressure Gauge Obama Nuclear Sturgis Miss Buffalo Chip Paris Hilton For President!