Don't Play That Card!

So many people tell me that I need to stop playing the pineapple card. Because it is painfully obvious that I am a pineapple, I shouldn't talk about it. It just makes people uncomfortable to talk about things like that. But guess what? I am a pineapple. And as a certain evil friend who dropped off the face of the blogosphere said earlier today, I am sweet and tangy. So there. Pineapple. Pineapple. Pineapple.

tags: pineapple plays the pineapple card

This Is What Happens When Pirates Own Horses

Arrrrr!

tags: Video Arrrrr Saratoga Horse Race

So Who Does Speak For His Campaign?

After some waffling on whether or not Mayor McCheese would be raising taxes, his campaign announced that Mayor McCheese was not speaking on behalf of his campaign when he made those comments about taxes to George Stephanopoulos. Seriously?!? If this is true then I guess we can also say that when Mayor McCheese promised to run a respectful campaign he wasn't really speaking for his campaign either. Unless this is respectful. In which case I don't want to see what negative campaigning would be like. So today's "respectful" ad compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. What I want to know is when was he ever a drunk blonde that climbed out of a car wearing a really short skirt and no panties? Because I missed those pictures. But I also wonder why it would be bad to have a president that the rest of the world liked? Because having one that everyone hates is getting us nowhere fast. And to top it off, he made up that part about the electricity tax. But even though he approved of his message, he doesn't speak for his campaign. The conclusion? It doesn't matter what he says. And you know what else? Britney wants to be left out of it. So in the words of Chris Crocker, "Leave Britney Alone!"

tags: John McCain Campaign Ad Taxes George Stephanopoulos Britney Spears Paris Hilton Panties

I wonder what they would find out about me

Here are the search terms Monica Goodling used when she pre-screened DOJ applicants using LexisNexis:

[First name of a candidate]! and pre/2 [last name of a candidate] w/7 bush or gore or republican! or democrat! or charg! or accus! or criticiz! or blam! or defend! or iran contra or clinton or spotted owl or florida recount or sex! or controvers! or racis! or fraud! or investigat! or bankrupt! or layoff! or downsiz! or PNTR or NAFTA or outsourc! or indict! or enron or kerry or iraq or wmd! or arrest! or intox! or fired or sex! or racis! or intox! or slur! or arrest! or fired or controvers! or abortion! or gay! or homosexual! or gun! or firearm!

Apparently she was particularly concerned with applicants that have sex, have been arrested or fired because those terms are used twice. Can you say uptight? But then again what can we really expect from a religious zealot with a mail order law degree?

tags: Alberto Gonzales Department of Justice DOJ Monica Goodling Legion of Doom LexisNexis search terms

It Really Is Like Christmas In July!

I don't even know where to begin with all of this. Right now, I can't decide which is more overpowering: the excitement or the outrage. I guess it is always exciting to see an old friend in the news again. And admittedly I got a case of the giggles when I saw his name in the news alert this afternoon. (What can I say? The email servers at my work were down and I had to check some email even if it was my personal email.) So who else could bring me such joy and pain? Alberto Gonzales, of course! Happy, happy, joy, joy! I knew he'd be back!

But I'm getting a little off track here. Happy, happy, joy, joy! Of course, no one could ever say that of an interview conducted by the rabidly obsessed Monica Goodling (and star minion to Alberto Gonzales). If it weren't for the pointed questions about Baby Boy Bush and the Republican party, you might think you were interviewing for a cult or possibly Lord Voldemort's steno pool. This law graduate of Regent University (you know, the one founded by television evangelist Pat Robertson) and everyone else at the ironically named Department of Justice* apparently missed the part of Con Law where they talked about hiring and firing people from career government jobs based on political views. Every 2L knows you can't base your hiring and firing policies for career employees based on political whims. Except for the ones that go on to work at the DOJ, apparently.

This basic point of law also raised some serious questions about the persons drafting the report on the hiring policies. Did I mention that they also work at the ironically named Department of Justice**? There should be alarms going off in your head when you get to the part about how the DOJ has confusing rules regarding their hiring and firing policies. Really. Not so confusing. See any Constitutional Law book used at any accredited law school in the nation. It seems that you don't like the rules, is all. Because they are not confusing.

And speaking about having questions. Alberto's minions were asking such fine interview questions. Here are some example of the interview questions [sample answers included!]:

1. What is it about George W. Bush that makes you want to serve him? [Answer: All hail the master!]

2. Aside from the President, give us an example of someone currently or recently in public service who you admire. [Answer: I really admire the work that Richard Nixon did. And that Watergate thing? He was totally framed!]

3. Why are you a Republican? [Answer: Because they told me to!]

I really look forward to studying this report in detail because I feel certain there are some hidden gems in there. But in the mean time, perjury charges and bar disciplinary actions here we come!

* Yes, I know you are watching me. I saw you on my sitemeter. So let's just be clear about this, I am now watching you watching me.

** I still know you've been here. And the irony is still rich.

tags: Alberto Gonzales Department of Justice DOJ Monica Goodling Legion of Doom

Mayor McCheese does more dumb stuff

Well, Mayor McCheese (a/k/a John McCain) just can't leave it alone. He has gone crazy (some more)and the truth be damned! Seriously. So you wonder what the fuckwad has done today, huh?

1. He ran a ridiculous ad. Mayor McCheese makes some pretty hefty and ridiculous allegations. Can you say "swift boat," but without the swift part or even the boat part? Here are some highlights:

a. He accuses Obama of not holding any Senate sub-Committee hearings on Afghanistan. Technically this is true. Obama has not personally held any hearings on Afghanistan. However, he has attended a Committee hearing on Afghanistan. And since when have Senate sub-Committee hearings solved anything?

b. Mayor McCheese further alleges that Obama canceled his trip to see injured troops in Germany because the Pentagon wouldn't allow him to take cameras in so he went to play basketball instead. Again, not true. Basically the Pentagon told him that he couldn't go. However, he did visit injured troops while he was in the Middle East during the fact finding part of the trip. And even fellow traveler Senator Hagel (a friend of the McCheese) said the ad was way off base and inappropriate. The big irony of it all? The picture featuring Obama playing basketball was taken when he was playing basketball in Kuwait with the troops. I guess Mayor McCheese's lessons on the "the internets" haven't taught him to use "the googles" yet so he could find out that this video is all over the damn place.

c. He sums it up by saying that he is always there for the troops. Oh really??? Is that why he only showed up for 4 out of the 14 votes on Iraq in 2007? Because he is always there? This year, he has shown up for exactly NONE. And when he did vote, he repeatedly voted against increased funding for the troops. What an ass. I guess he was too damn busy eating cheese. It is little things like this and the fact that he only shows up for about half of all the votes taken in the Senate that make you wonder what kind of president he will be. Oh wait, we've already had that president. You know. That dude that was always taking off work to hang out at his "brush ranch" in Crawford, Texas.

2. Just what do you mean by timetable? Last Friday Mayor McCheese once again stole one of Obama's ideas and said that a timetable to leave Iraq would be a good idea. You may recall a previous bout of plagiarism with the I'm going to send three brigades to Afghanistan. Today, he denies every using the word timetable. Either he is soft in the brain because he doesn't remember saying it or he thinks the American public is soft in the head and will believe him. So here are the two conclusions you could make. He is in the early stages of dementia or he believes that he can say whatever he wants without being held accountable for it. Wherever you go with this, he sucks.

tags: John McCain Barack Obama ad troops timetable Iraq

Just Say McCheese!

At this point, who can keep track of history? Obviously not John McCheese. Today he tried to clear up the confusion about his statements that were edited out of his interview with Katie Couric. After this story came out, CBS was forced to post the real interview. McCeese told Katie that the Sunni Awakening was a result of the surge and that the surge protected certain Sunni leaders like Sheik Abdul Sattar Buzaigh al-Rishawi (aka Abdul Sattar Abu Risha). You may recall that the Sunni or Anbar Awakening started before the surge was ordered and that Sheik Abu Risha was assassinated after the surge started. Boy that surge kept him safe as houses, didn't it? But today, McCheese explained it all away in the cheese aisle in Bethlehem, PA. I mean if you are going to rewrite history and redefine what a surge is, you should be surrounded by lots of dairy products. This where he revealed that there was a secret surge that only he was told about and that is what led to the Anbar Awakening. He has now managed to make the time line of what happened about as clear as mud and came out of this mess looking like he is in the early stages of dementia.

tags: John McCain Cheese Photo Bethlehem Iraq Surge Katie Couric CBS Sunni Anbar Awakening

Edu-huh?

I'm guess the high price of gas isn't the only thing holding people back from getting an eductaion. I'm thinking that just general dumbassery and stupidity will do it.

tags: Fox News Misspells Education

Goodbye, Sophia!

I will freely admit that I am a Golden Girls fan. Those old ladies rocked because they were sassy and they were getting some. And yes, I have watched more than one Golden Girls marathon. In fact, that is a fantastic way to waste a weekend. I'm not sure which one of the girls was my favorite because they were such a great cast. But if I had to pick, it had to be between Sophia and Rose. Sophia was super sarcastic and I greatly admire that. I salute you, Ms. Getty! R.I.P.

tags: Estelle Getty Sophia Golden Girls Betty White Password Video

My, How Geography Has Changed

First of all, I want to say, "ha ha." So far, Barack Obama's fact finding trip to Iraq has been a big wake up call to the republicans. And revealed their need for many boxes of tissue to get all of the egg off of their collective faces. McSame and his idol, Baby Boy Bush, have been pooh-poohing Obama's timetable to get out of Iraq. Today, the Iraqi Prime Minister said in plain English that they want America to follow Obama's plan to GET OUT of Iraq by 2010. Ha. Ha.

At this point, McSame is scrambling to turn this to his advantage -- as in he is grasping for straws and gasping for air. Case in point, his appearance on Good Morning America where he proved once again that he is no master of geography. An important part of foreign policy, no? Let's face it. In May 2007, Bush said "if they were to say leave, we'd leave." So how do the republicans explain why we should stay? (p.s. I chose this for the fun music and chose to ignore the glaring typo.)

I do wonder, just how far away is Czechoslovakia from the Afghanistan-Pakistan border?

And then McSame made his real comeback with his new "energy" ad:

Did you know that Barack Obama is singlehandedly responsible for the price of gas? Wow. He has a lot of power for someone McSame has been trivializing for months now. The high gas prices have absolutely nothing to do with speculators inflating the price of oil (thanks to the deregulation created Phil Gramm former campaign co-chair and economic adviser to John McCain), the fact that OPEC doesn't feel the need to play ball with a lame duck president, or the fact that oil is a historically undervalued commodity. So how many times has McSame voted against offshore drilling? Look into because he did in 2003. Or what about the time he voted against the amendment that would have required that all oil drilled at ANWR be used exclusively by Americans? And how would his gas tax holiday gimmick help exactly? I mean screw those roads, highways, and bridges we drive on. The infrastructure funding raised by gas taxes will already fall far short in light of the fact that people are buying less gas -- let's have a tax holiday! So, by all means let's blame Barack Obama for the never ending increase in gas prices (and ignore the decrease last week that had nothing to do with new drilling).

We could totally end our dependence on foreign oil with all of McSame's hot air.

tags: John McCain Iraq Afghanistan Pakistan Oil Gas Energy Ad Barack Obama video

The New Summer Dance Craze - The McSquirm!

So this is how this summer's dance craze goes. First you roll your eyes because some woman has asked you a question about something trivial like women's health issues. Then you start to hem and haw because you don't really have much to say. You can spice it up with a little stuttering and sputtering. Then you squirm, squirm, squirm! Then you lather, rinse, repeat. Oh wait, that's how you wash your hair...

I'm so glad he hasn't given this much thought. Mostly because it just isn't all that important. It really is much more important for old men to be able to get it up than for women to prevent pregnancy. My uterus feels better already. Of course, I don't think McSame has given a lot of thought to his other votes about abortion, contraception, or health care in general. It is just another example of his "authenticity" I suppose.

Wondering where John McCain stands on some of these so-called health issues? (This is especially for you wing-nuts that are so bent out of shape that Hillary isn't the nominee that you plan on voting for McSame). Here are some examples why he is not an advocate for you:

* Supports repealing Roe v. Wade. (May 2007)
* Voted YES on defining unborn child as eligible for SCHIP. (Mar 2008)
* Voted YES on barring HHS grants to organizations that perform abortions. (Oct 2007)
* Voted YES on notifying parents of minors who get out-of-state abortions. (Jul 2006)
* Voted NO on $100M to reduce teen pregnancy by education & contraceptives. (Mar 2005)
* Voted YES on banning partial birth abortions except for maternal life. (Mar 2003)
* Voted YES on maintaining ban on Military Base Abortions. (Jun 2000)
* Voted YES on banning partial birth abortions. (Oct 1999)
* Rated 75% by the NRLC, indicating a mixed record on abortion. (Dec 2006)
* Voted NO on expanding enrollment period for Medicare Part D. (Feb 2006)
* Voted NO on $40 billion per year for limited Medicare prescription drug benefit. (Jun 2003)
* Voted YES on funding GOP version of Medicare prescription drug benefit. (Apr 2001)
* Voted NO on including prescription drugs under Medicare. (Jun 2000
* Voted NO on Medicare means-testing. (Jun 1997)
* Voted NO on expanding SCHIP (Aug 2007)

Please note that this is a sampling from the votes he actually cast. Apparently, he is also really good absenteeism. He has missed 62.6% of the votes cast this session. But there will be more on that later.

So, some things to look forward to under a John McSame administration? No abortion (whore), no public financing for institutions that may provide abortions (still, you're a whore), no requirement that insurance companies pay for birth control (or anything else), no educating teens about pregnancy and contraception (that abstinence only stuff is working -- you can tell by the increase in teen pregnancies!), no prescription drug benefits for people on Medicare (he and all those other old people will die soon anyway, right?), and possibly a ban on all health care (walk it off, sissy). Sounds like fun! I'm already doing the McSquirm!

tags: John McCain health care birth control viagra video voting record

Pun-a-palooza

I think the folks over at Merriam-Webster are getting a little out of hand because it is just plain ole punny over there today. Today's word is fire-sale. As in heavily discounted. The best part of the word of the day email was the pun-a-licious explanation of where the word "fire-sale" comes from. The explanation reads:

The term “fire sale” flared up in the late-19th century as the name for a sale of items damaged by fire. As you can imagine, much of the merchandise at a fire sale was sold at very low prices, which fanned the flames of the use of “fire sale” for any sale with discounted or low price tags. The extended meaning of the term sparked an adjective use that had burst into a full-blown blaze by the mid-20th century. Since then, people have embraced “fire-sale prices” in the marketplace, well aware that they won’t get burned.

tags: fire-sale

I'd Like to Introduce My New Muse

Meet my new friend, John "fuckwad" McCain. And in that token let's get to it. Over the past few weeks, my new buddy has made some HUGE blunders that seem to be glossed over by the news media outlets. Unless you are an avid blog reader or watch a show like Countdown with Keith Olberman, you just aren't really going to see what that jerk is up to. His supporters are frequently talking about his "authenticity" but what is really quite apparent is that he is a double-talking fool.

Let's start with the "big" news that Phil Gramm finally stepped down as campaign co-chair and as his economic adviser. Why wait so long? Well mostly because the media just didn't jump all over Phil Gramm's ass the way they should have. That, and Mr. McSame didn't demand he get the fuck out of his campaign. McSame just made him stop speaking out in public. When your economic adviser starts talking about mental recessions you have to step in. Of course, first you have to recognize that "mental recessions" are ridiculous and attacking the American public for being a bunch of whiners is way out of line. I guess it is really hard to get worked up about the rising cost of everything when you don't actually know anyone effected by it. I suppose it wasn't time to step down until the news about Phil Gramm's movie career got out. You can tell people that the increased price of gas is all in your head and you better stop whining about it, but you can not be responsible for bringing us movies like White House Madness and Truck Stop Women.

Obviously getting ride of Phil Gramm (again) had nothing to do with his being the creator of the Enron Loophole or anything like that. I do wonder what will happen to McCain's imaginary economy policy without Phil Gramm to take him down Figment Lane.

tags: Pineapple's Got a Brand New Muse John McCain Phil Gramm Mental Recession White House Madness Truck Stop Women Enron

What This Blog Needs Now...

...Is a muse, sweet muse. It's the only thing that there's just too little of...

Ever since Alberto Gonzales resigned, this blog has lost a lot of its direction. And frankly I lost a lot of my motivation to blog. I really miss my buddy, Alberto. I just know that one day he will be called to testify in front of the Senate again, stand trial for his crimes, or something like that and I will get to rekindle our love. But a pineapple can't just wait around for something like that. Luckily last night I found a new muse. This new muse can provide enough bloggy fodder for a web's worth of blogs. The answer has been right in front of me for months. You know, I tried Barack Obama out as a muse and it just didn't pan out. The Pineapple Clan still supports Barack Obama 100%, but the truth is I never was a cheerleader. That being upbeat and supportive all the time thing just wasn't my thing. Don't get me wrong this blog will probably be a huge love fest when Barack Obama officially accepts the nomination as a special birthday present to me. But seriously, my muse needs to be more of a target. A target that is constantly changing his story and saying really stupid things. Basically, I need a muse that is a total fuckwad. Good news, blogosphere! I have found just the fuckwad to bash.

Can you guess who?

tags: Alberto Gonzales Barack Obama Pineapple's Got a Brand New Muse

It is called SATIRE, people

It always makes me really sad when I realize just how stupid people are. As this fabulous cover of The New Yorker is plastered all of the TV for being"offensive" and "in poor taste", I just lose a little bit of my faith in humanity. Wake up! Its satire! You know, "a literary work holding up human vices and follies to ridicule or scorn" or "trenchant wit, irony, or sarcasm used to expose and discredit vice or folly." If the definition from the dictionary is too much to handle, it is a big joke.

Everything in that picture is based on vicious lies that have been told about Barack Obama and his wife, Michelle. Just because people are too stupid, too racist, too sexist, too bigoted, and too judgmental to see it for what it is doesn't mean it isn't hilarious. I saw this cartoon and laughed my ass off. When first questioned about the cartoon, Barack Obama shrugged his shoulders and said he didn't have anything to say. I wonder if it was because he is smart enough to know that not all of his supporters will get the joke and he knows they will be oh so offended? I'm not that smart because if there were a bunch of ignorant pricks spreading lies about me and The New Yorker did a cartoon of it, my response would be, that's the funniest fucking thing I've seen all day."

tags: Politics The New Yorker Barack Obama Satire

It Was 23 Years Ago Today

That the Coca-Cola Company came to its senses and started selling the real Coca-Cola again. Just a mere 79 days after they rolled out "New Coke." Bleck. I suppose we can thank groups like Society for the Preservation of the Real Thing and Old Cola Drinkers of America along with the fact that nobody bought New Coke for bringing the Coca-Cola Company to its senses. Even though they began selling the real thing again under the name "Coca-Cola Classic" they continued to sell New Coke (and even tried changing the name to Coke II). No matter how hard they tried nobody wanted to drink it.

tags: Coca-Cola Company Coca-Cola Classic New Coke Coke II

It is all in your head, dipshit

Apparently everything that has to do with the economy is all in your head. Just like Phil Gramm's notion that he does not look like an alien is all in his head. So let's all believe that the economy is if fantastic shape and that the ever increasing price of gas is a good thing. That too, can be all in our heads. I suppose that all of the people that were ripped off by the sub-prime lending scam and lost their homes are actually living in imaginary cardboard boxes. I know that economic stimulus check was all in my head because I never saw it. So maybe this mental recession thing is really on the mark.

tags: Phil Gramm McCain Economy Mental Recession

God is a cokehead

Seriously. God was arrested in Tampa for selling cocaine near a church. The irony is way too rich for my blood. God. Selling cocaine. Near a church. And if you were wondering, his middle name is "Lucky". As if.

tags: God Arrested Cocaine Tampa