The Pineapple Report

I'm no reporter, ya'll

2009-12-30T17:49:00.000-06:00

I think the number of posts I've made this year makes this statement VERY CLEAR. I don't need to tell you, dear five people that still torture yourselves by coming here. I love you, but you do know that this has turned into some co-dependent relationship, right? Or something like that. I'm no expert on that kind of stuff. I do know you are some loyal ass blog readers and I give you props for giving me the very little encouragement I apparently need to spout off about a bunch of bullshit.

So, I'm going to wrap up this nonsense that started in November of 2005. At least for now. I may come back to this blog when I'm feeling more like a pineapple reporter. It does seem a little wrong to walk away after all this time, but it is time for something new.

Hope you have a very happy 2010!

Pineapple

Sushi-a-no-no*

2009-12-21T08:00:00.002-06:00

Don't get me wrong. I love sushi. I also love food trailers. Give me cupcakes, pizza or tacos out of a food trailer any day. But there is just something wrong about eating sushi made in a food trailer on the side of the road. Maybe it is just me, but I'll have to pass.

*As always, you can click the photo to make it more bigger!

it is with a not so heavy heart and a jammed pinky finger,

2009-12-20T12:24:00.000-06:00

I am saying goodbye to the styrofoam rock. You may recall that in July a certain someone moved out without taking this gigantically stupid, phallic piece of shit.* Well, bulk trash day has finally arrived. Come Monday this albatross will be going to its next home: the landfill.

Just for the record, styrofoam rocks are a lot heavier than you think. I had to turn it end over end because it was too heavy to pick up and carry to the curb. Unfortunately, the sorry ass thing broke and I jammed my finger. Please note the unfortunate thing is that I hurt my hand, not that the stupid thing broke. I just want to be clear about that. While I was cussing up a storm, Laverne came to check out the commotion and to pay her respects to the monstrosity.

While I feel bad that the dogs can't play "Queen of the Mountain" anymore, I'm glad that remnant of my past is leaving my now happy home. Now it is sitting on my curb and the people prowling for curbside treasure keep slowing down to look. I don't know why they don't want to take it with them (said with much sarcasm).

So long, stupid styrofoam rock. Hope to never see you again.

*Ironically, last night I ran into my friend that a certain someone claimed asked him to bring home the monstrosity so he could pick it up later from our house. I told him that Sunday was his last chance to claim this "prize". However, his wife was in earshot and told him that he wasn't allowed to bring it home. He tried to convince her why it would be a good thing to have, she did not change her mind. I can't say that I blame her one bit.

what a bummer

2009-12-08T23:15:00.000-06:00

I've spent the past week of my life in utter turmoil. Mostly because everything in my house has placed in stacks in the middle of my rooms. I haven't been able to really cook or clean or do laundry this whole time because the entire inside of my house was being painted. Every morning I took the dogs to my parents house and then picked them up after work. How you people with kids don't just die of exhaustion, I'll never know. The painters basically finished today and I like that my walls aren't all nasty and dingy. The rest of my house is all nasty and dingy because I've had painters in it for a week, but the walls aren't all nasty and dingy any more. I guess I have a lot of house cleaning in my future. But I was really bummed out when I discovered that they splattered paint all over my shower curtain, tub, sink, and my fantastic 1950s bathroom tile. Then I discovered that most of my blinds have been booby trapped because they fall off on my head when I try to adjust them. It is after 11:00 pm and there is still a huge stack of stuff on my bed. I'm exhausted and I need to go to bed. I'm thinking about crying, but I'm just too fucking tired. Also? It turns out the color I picked for the bedroom looks like shit with my carpet. Yay, me!

I won! I won! I won!

2009-11-29T19:44:00.000-06:00

Shirley writes a book

2009-11-21T13:48:00.000-06:00

All month Laverne has devoted herself to my nanowrimo project. She has tirelessly slept on my feet or with her head next to my lap anytime I sat down to write. But Shirley was feeling really left out and upped the game last night. For a while she was too helpful (you just can't write with a 60 pound dog sitting on you like you're a lazy boy recliner), but she finally took her helpfulness down a notch and curled up on my legs. Once I got out from underneath her, I was still trapped on the couch so I put a pillow on the dog and set my laptop on top. Laverne then took her cue to crash out on my feet. It wasn't the most comfortable thing, but I managed about 1500 words written like this until she started peaking her head from under the pillow. That is when I took this picture:

My NaNoWriMo Progress

2009-11-15T22:46:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted anything on my blog all month because I have been super busy devising new projects to undertake this month (such as furniture painting, working in the yard, cleaning my house, volunteering to be waterboarded). Er, I mean, that I'm writing a book in one month. Anyway, I decided in an attempt to procrastinate, I mean update you on my status, I'm posting this word count widget. Enjoy!

428 words

2009-11-01T22:27:00.000-06:00

That is all I wrote today. So of course, I'm going to blog instead. My wires are seriously all strung up the wrong way. I could be writing about aliens. Or sleeping. Instead I'm writing my excuse for why I did not get cracking on my crazy ass train wreck of a novel.
1. I'm jet lagged from the time change. Not really, I'm just lazy because it gets dark early.
2. I had to drive to the Costco (on fumes apparently because the tank was completely empty) so I could look at everything in the place and then spend way too much money. I have to eat while I'm making my fingers bleed and developing carpal tunnel syndrome, right?
3. Then my house was too dirty to be in. I vacuumed, did some dishes, washed some laundry. It is still messy, but it doesn't smell like dirty dog and mud from all the rain.
4. I had to pull weeds in my yard. Actually, I really did. These prickly ass weeds are giving my dog such a bad rash that she has bald spots. And frankly, Laverne is more important than aliens.
5. To help me out, the Pineapple Parents offered to come and pick up their Costco goods to save me a trip. Instead their car overheated (because there was a big fucking hole and all the coolant leaked out of the car which we discovered after I went to the store to buy distilled water which all poured out on the driveway) and I had to take them home.
5. The Pineapple Dad had not been shopping and I needed more shit from the grocery store. I just can't eat 20 heads of lettuce before they go bad. Somethings are better bought in smaller quantities. Hence, second shopping trip of the day.
6. After dropping the Pineapple Dad back at his house, I headed home. After learning the tow truck was coming in the next hour I decided that I should eat. Yummmy. I call my creation Pepper Pizza. It had yellow bell pepper, jalapeno pepper, and crushed red pepper (and also some sauce, basil, and cheese).
7. After the car was towed away, I decided that if I have clean sheets that the girls and I should get clean too. Also? My coworkers probably like me better if I don't come to work with plant life in my hair and dirt on my face.
8. Then I crawled in bed and wrote 428 words. And then bitched about it on my blog.

Symphony of Crickets

2009-10-31T21:53:00.000-05:00

Holy Hell. What am I thinking? I can't even manage to blog on a regular basis and I think I'm going to write a whole freaking novel in a month?!?! That is just hilarious. NaNoWriMo starts in a matter of hours and I have a title (Symphony of Crickets) and maybe a general idea of what I'm going to write. Sort of. Maybe. Or not. I mean, I have hours to decide how it starts, right?

I'm thinking it is going to be a Sci-fi/Romance/Thriller/Comedy/TRAINWRECK. Kind of like Bubba Ho-Tep meets Mars Attacks! with a splash of love interest. And with Buddy Holly (hence the crickets) instead of Elvis and the aliens aren't from Mars (or maybe they are). Obviously I plan on writing an original novel that is going to be an award winning, best seller. And then they are going to make it into a summer blockbuster and show it at the IMAX. Also? It is going to be an Oprah Book Club Pick (this is out of the ordinary because my book will not be depressing). That is how good it is going to be. Yep. And I am going to write this groundbreaking novel in one month.

nails are expensive

2009-10-25T18:10:00.000-05:00

I really need a chaperone to go to the Home Depot. I went there to get nails so I could put up my Halloween decorations. I did get the nails, but I have yet to put up any Halloween decorations. For one thing, I had to put my new lime tree in its new bright, lime green pot.

Since I was taking pictures, I went ahead and took yet another set of garden pictures. My broccoli and brussels sprouts are coming along nicely.

My lettuce is already yummy (I snuck a little nibble), the radishes are huge on top (but not so much underneath), and the bell peppers are starting to take off (but I'm pretty sure I planted them too late to expect any thing good to come of it).

My pumpkins are still alive...

And blooming. But no actual gourds have started growing...

My little pot of lettuce has started growing so I will have more lettuce after I eat the first round.

My basil variety pack is looking good too..

But my cilantro is not.

Oh well. I guess not everything is going to stay alive...

Keeping it classy!

2009-10-24T17:02:00.004-05:00

...but you might not want to get behind this guy.

here comes megatron

2009-10-20T21:21:00.000-05:00

Meet Megatron. Megatron lives next door. And ever since I moved in, Megatron has pretty much avoided me. Recently, Megatron has started approaching me, but then changing her mind at the last minute and running away. But for the past few weeks, Megatron has started throwing herself at my feet and winding herself around and round my legs. I have never once petted this cat. Why would I need to when she does all the work, right?

However, Megatron does not like Laverne and Shirley. And she used to run away when they barked. But that too changed this weekend. I think it was the peacocks that did it. Because the weather has been nice I've been opening the windows and leaving the doors open. The other morning, there was chaos in the kitchen because Megatron was yowling to be let in the screen door and the girls were barking wildly to be let out. It wasn't until the peacock incident that I realized that they were also torturing poor Megatron in the front yard, too. Those peacocks were all over the place. The girls chased six of them out of the backyard. One was on the roof honking for about thirty thrilling minutes. There was also a herd wandering around in the front yard. Most of the time Megatron does that whole arching back, hissing thing when the girls bark at her. But she has gotten a little bolder. I guess near peacock death experiences do that for a cat. Like today. Megatron jumped on top of my car where the girls could see her and just stood there. Finally Laverne couldn't take it anymore and started barking and barking and barking. Megatron didn't even flinch. And tonight. Megatron came calling through the kitchen screen door. Shirley was resting comfortably on the couch and Laverne was in her blanket cocoon under the coffee table. Damned if those dogs didn't go flying out the back door to bark at that cat some more after I shut the door.

It is like I live in a lunatic wildlife asylum. I have two nutty dogs, Megatron, the other cat next door that taps on the glass to torment the dogs, exotic lizards, skunks, hawks, and peacocks. I guess I should be thankful that there aren't lions and tiger running around this place, too.

victory (garden)!

2009-10-10T21:26:00.001-05:00

First, let's take a look at those pumpkins:

Notice how they always look the same? See how they don't seem to be getting much bigger? Looks like I am looking at having mature pumpkins in about 2012 at this rate...

But my radishes as lettuce are looking good. Also, my bell peppers are starting to sprout.

And my newest addition -- broccoli and brussels sprouts!

And cilantro

And my basil bonanza (I have sweet basil, lemon basil and thai basil):

But I will always be a pineapple princess:

so long, kitty

2009-10-07T20:51:00.067-05:00

When I first brought you home in when I was a senior in high school, you loved me beyond anything else and would cry when I left you alone. Then one day I was taking you to my room and you saw a plastic lei hanging on my door and you attacked my face. You never felt the same way about me after that. I can't say that I really ever got over having my face clawed. After the incident, you stopped crying when I left the room and you didn't want to snuggle at night anymore. Then I moved to a place you weren't allowed to live in so I left you with my parents. Despite the attack, I didn't really want to leave you behind. But I did. And then you became completely and absolutely obsessed with my dad. You also grew to hate my mom after she dropped a glass too close to you. By the time I lived in a place where you could come live with me, you loved my dad so much that it would have been wrong to move you.

Over the years you were mostly an unfriendly cat to the world at large. When company came to visit you would disappear somewhere in the house. We never did figure out where you went, so we just called it Narnia. I guess we will never figure out where Narnia is now.

Other than my dad, you had a true love for the family Airedale, Winston. You would demand that we let him in the house so the two of you could hang out and take naps together. After he died, you threw fits at the backdoor for months demanding that we let him in the house. And you never forgave the new dog for taking his place. Astro was never your dog. After Winston was gone, your obsession with my dad grew to new heights. You started demanding he get up and keep you company in the middle of the night and anytime he sat down you were instantly on him trying to get in his face.

And then one day you got nice again. Maybe you had a stroke? You came out to visit company. You forgave me and my mom for our past transgressions. You someotime were happy to see me when I cam over. You even enjoyed taunting Laverne when I brought the girls to visit Astro. But you never really liked Astro because, well, he was never your dog. You only tolerated him or tried to get him in trouble. Oh well, you can't like everyone.

Over the past 19 years, you have been an unusual cat. Your relationship with most of the world was complicated and usually involved blood shed at some point. But we all loved you and will miss you. I hope you enjoy your adventures in Narnia forever more.

dear santa

2009-10-06T21:05:00.002-05:00

Today the Neiman Marcus Christmas Book came out. And so why would be care about the Needless Markup catalogue? I can tell you why in two words: CUPCAKE CARS. You heard me. Cupcake cars. This is totally what I want for Christmas. And I want a whole fleet of cupcake cars. Really, what would be the fun if you were driving a cupcake car on your own? I mean silly cars that have a matching hat are fun and all, but it would be way more fun with a friend or ten. When I saw the cupcake cars, I called the Pineapple Dad and made him promise that if he won the lottery he would buy this for me. At first he questioned why I would want a fleet of cupcake cars, let alone a fleet of cupcake cars. And then he saw the videos on youtube. And he agreed that if either one of won the lottery, we are getting a fleet of cupcake cars. Still doubting that cupcakes are super awesome? Check this out:

If this doesn't convince you that a cupcake car party would rock your world, then something is wrong with the way you are wired. Seriously.

yankee, doodle and dandy

2009-10-04T22:43:00.001-05:00

I know I've done a spotty job of keeping you up to date with my pumpkins. But don't worry I have pictures. Hell, I even took some while I had the flu. Not that I remember doing that, but it seems I did. I'll be posting highlights later this week. Apparently, I was really into photographing pumpkins, radishes, and lettuce in my fevered state. Also? I took quite a few pictures of my dogs. I guess that would be normal if I only remembered doing it... Anywho, I'm getting off the topic here.

When I started my pumpkin seeds (the second time), I planted a whole bunch just to be sure. And then they all grew. So I promised the Pineapple Dad that he could have whatever I didn't plant. As the weeks went by he would call to check on his pumpkin plant. He even named it. Pumpkin Doodle. Seriously. I'd pick up the phone and the first thing I'd hear was, "How's Pumpkin Doodle?" There were several calls where checking on Pumpkin Doodle was the sole purpose for calling me. Don't worry about how I'm doing.

You may recall that I mentioned my original plan was to dump a pile of dirt in my "garden" and see what happened. Clearly, that did not happen. So after my gardening extravaganza I was left with three pumpkin plants. I called the Pineapple Dad to let him know what to expect and he was thrilled. And they all have names now: Pumpkin Yankee (the northern most pumpkin plant), Pumpkin Doodle, and Pumpkin Dandy. And so what did he do when I took them over? Dumped a pile of dirt on the ground and stuck them in there.

flu-b-gone

2009-09-29T22:42:00.001-05:00

Look, I don't know if what I had was swine flu. Or H1N1. Or whatever the cool kids are calling it these days. But it was the flu. And it was a motherfucker. I decided not to visit the doctor for a few reasons. For one thing, I was too sick to drive my sick ass there. I live alone and who wants to be trapped in the car with someone that clearly has cooties. Also? There are sick people at the doctor's office. I had enough on my plate without being exposed to strange germs just to have a nurse shove a q-tip up my nose to see if I have the flu. Dude. I had the flu. Luckily, I also had a prescription of Tamiflu in my medicine cabinet. I admit it, I hoard shit. Not like get your guns ready for the Armageddon kind of hoarding, but I like to keep a stocked pantry and medicine cabinet kind of hoarding.

But it wasn't until I started getting better that I realized how bad off I was. For one thing, I took some extra doses of Tamiflu along the way and finished early. Oops. I also made a double batch of jell-o that I don't remember making at all. I walked into the kitchen to get a ginger ale and there were two open jello boxes on the counter and a pan of jell-o in the fridge. Don't get me wrong, I was glad it was there. But really? Jell-o? There were some things that got moved around in my house. I guess I'm lucky I didn't rearrange the furniture in my fevered state.

I also got very bored. I cleared out my DVR. I didn't have any books I wanted to read. And how much time can you really stand to spend on Twitter haranguing people for their complete inability to fact-check a story before publishing it? Frankly, I found out more than the local newspaper or that hip wannabe website ever did in five minutes sitting on my couch with a raging fever. But that jell-o turned out to be one of the most interesting things going on at my house. It wiggles and jiggles, after all. But your standards for what constitutes entertainment hit a new low when you are holed up like a fugitive in your home for a week. Technically, I'm better now. I'm still worn out and all I want to do is stay home and sleep. Hopefully this will pass because I don't think I can handle another weekend of staring at my wall that really need to be painted.

why dogs don't make you feel better

2009-09-23T14:15:00.001-05:00

As I wallow in my misery, I realized that the love my dogs have for me doesn't always make me feel better. Mostly because they do things like:

1. Steal the blankets. When I dragged my flu suffering ass home from work and on to the couch yesterday, the first thing that Laverne did was steal my blanket. So I got another one. And she stole that one too. How many blankets does this dog need to get under? And how can a not-so-swift dog get the better of me over and over? I'm the one with the thumbs! Pathetic.

2. Wake you up in the middle of the night because they want to be talked to and patted on the head. Seriously. I woke up because Shirley was staring at me. Four inches away from my face. Creepy much? When I opened my eyes her tail started furiously thumping on the bed. I thought she needed to out so I got up out of bed. But she just sat there looking at me like I was the crazy one. I muttered an obscenity under my breath and her tail started going crazy again. This is when I realized she woke me up so I could talk to her. I thought I had two dogs so they could keep one another company.

3. Wake you up at 6:30 in the morning demanding to be let out and fed. Frankly, I expected more from Laverne because she is notorious for wanting to sleep in. But not today. I woke up to her howling at the back door. Howling. The dog has never howled. Ever. Until 6:30 this morning.

4. Panic when it starts raining. I feel like I've been hit by a ton of bricks. I'm hot. I'm cold. I hurt all over. I do not want 100 plus pounds of dog on my lap and in my face.

pineapple plants a pumpkin patch

2009-09-19T17:30:00.000-05:00

You may recall that in July I claimed to become a pumpkin farmer. Well, a few weeks into the pumpkin growing, I took my sweet little plants outside for a good soak. And then I forgot to bring them back in. They died a tragic, heat related death. So, I planted a new batch-o-pumpkins. After weeks of tending to my plants and a week of acclimating them to the outdoors, today was the big day.

When I started, I have a weedy, unruly patch of yard that I blocked off last year. I never got around to building beds for a garden.

First I need to back up the story. There once was a HUGE tree in my backyard. It was probably one of the oldest elm trees in the neighborhood. However, we have been in a drought for the past two years and had extreme heat this summer. This lovely tree dropped a huge limb on my roof and slowly began to die. I had the tree taken down.

And then I had the tree guys turn it into mulch and leave it in the front yard. Much to my neighbor's dismay, it has been sitting in that huge pile for over a month. Come on! It has been too hot to do anything with it.

My original plan was to dump so dirt piles in my weedy patch and see who would win - the pumpkins or the weeds. But I just couldn't do it. So I went back to my original plan that never came to fruition. So I started by using the old newspapers to act as a weed barrier.

And then I put a whole bunch of mulch around the beds to cover up the pretty, pretty newspaper.

And then I put a whole bunch of dirt and compost in the beds and mixed it up. And I built some mounds for the plants and covered that with even more mulch.

Bring in the pumpkins...

And then I put 'em in the dirt and watered them real good, like.

Now I just have to finish the other half of my garden to put in some other veggies I picked up at the garden center when I went to get more dirt. Tomorrow I take the rest of the pumpkin plants to the Pineapple Parents for their pumpkin patch. I am a gardening fool.

Do You Know How Much I Love My Dogs?

2009-09-16T18:34:00.000-05:00

So much that when I accidentally bought salmon dog food, I still fed it to them. Besides wondering how much I spoil my dogs, you may wonder why this is a sign of my love? First, I freely admit that my dogs eat much better than I do. Hell, no one puts a spoonful of yummy canned dog food on my kibble every night. Or a dollop of yogurt on my morning kibble. Not that I'd want that, but I think of it as like if someone gave you a salad and then put a whole bunch of ranch dressing on it. I'd like the salad much better. So here's where the love comes in. I am violently allergic to salmon and the smell of it makes me want to hurl. When I was putting the cans in the pantry and I saw that I grabbed a can of nasty salmon, I considered just throwing it away. Then I thought that was wasteful and decided to exchange it for something not so gross. Then I got lazy. But today I got brave. And while I didn't hurl, I'm not hungry for dinner anymore. Maybe this is a new diet plan because you could offer me all the ranch, mayonnaise, butter, bacon, and fried whatever and I'd still turn it down.

Nobody Puts Baby In the Corner

2009-09-14T19:23:00.001-05:00

RIP Patrick Swayze. You made some of the best crappy movies ever made.

RIP Jim Carroll

2009-09-14T18:14:00.002-05:00

I didn't know you, but I have friends who did. I know it is a little late, but I had a send off for you today. I cranked up "People Who Died" and danced while the dogs barked wildly (they aren't fans of my dancing). Hope you liked it.

I had no idea!

2009-09-12T09:47:00.002-05:00

Did you know that the Ford Pinto hit the American market on September 11, 1970? I had no idea until I was watching Countdown last night (yes, how lame of me to sit at home alone on a Friday night watching a newsertainment show). Frankly, I'd rather remember that on September 11th. Much less depressing, no? I mean, check out this ad:

After all, it was the little carefree car (with just a little case of fire and explosion).

Do They Really Think We Will Forget?

2009-09-11T07:50:00.002-05:00

I'm not trying to make light about what happened on 9/11. I am certainly not going to get into whether it was an act of terrorism or an inside job (does it matter? the end result is that a lot of people died.). And I would never start a debate on how a certain administration took advantage of the situation to start a really unnecessary war (at this point, it should not be a question). But here's the thing. Ain't nobody forgetting. And, frankly, I'm sick of people telling me not to forget. I'm not interested in your stupid status updates about never forgetting, I don't want your cheesy or depressing emails about what happened to those poor people that day, and I don't care how much it upset you to see that shit go down on the TV from the safety of your own home (I promise it was much worse for the people that were there or had friends and family that were there).

Because here's the other part that we really shouldn't forget:
1. The way our president sat in that classroom after he was told what happened and didn't move his sorry ass into action for like 15 minutes. And then he made ridiculous speeches about wanting people "dead or alive". I blame that yankee from Connecticut for making my home state look like a fucking joke (please note, I know there are others that now carry his torch).
2. The way the government told us we should buy duct tape to protect ourselves from terrorist attacks (are you fucking kidding me? I needed to buy some duct tape for a valid reason and couldn't find any. What bullshit. And MREs? No thanks.).
3. The way the media ran stories about how scared we should be and that people in Middle-of-fucking-nowhere, USA were in imminent danger of terrorism attacks. (Yes, because terrorists have heard all about your shitty community and hate you personally.).
4. The way ready.gov explained what I should do when the dirty bomb hit Austin (There were maps and everything. Way to tell the bad guys EXACTLY where to go!).
5. The way that now when you disagree with the government, you are now labeled un-American, not exercising your rights as an American citizen.

This last point lives strong today. And frankly I blame this intolerance as the start of why we, as a country, can no longer have a meaningful debates about anything. The townhall meetings are evidence of that. Biting someone's finger because you disagree is just not right.

So, if you don't like what I have to say, you can call me un-American. Whatever. All I can do is paraphrase the Loco Gringos and say, "Fuck you, I'm from Texas."

Grow up!

2009-09-09T22:12:00.000-05:00

My DOGS paid better attention to the President than some people (hello! Eric Cantor I could see you texting and fooling around on your phone the whole time Obama was speaking. Maybe if you paid attention you would learn something). And my dogs did not yell out inappropriate or regrettable things during his speech (Joe Wilson, you should not call the President a liar when he clearly is not. Show some respect, asshat). In fact, they sat on the couch a listened the whole time. Often times they politely wagged their tails (of course, they have always loved Obama). And they probably understood more than Charles Boustany as evidenced by his rebuttal (how many times were you sued for malpractice anyway? three?).

At this point, I am going to insist that the Republicans take some lessons in manners from my unruly dogs. That may be the only way we will get healthcare reform.

09.09.09

2009-09-09T17:52:00.000-05:00

Really? What does this mean? Satan is standing on his head? That we all live in a yellow submarine? Seriously. What is the deal??? I guess it is cool that the date is all matchy and The Beatles are on the radio all day. Number 9. Number 9. Number 9. Other than that, today has been kinda funky. For thing, mad hung it up today. No more drunken haikus! This makes me sad. All good things really do come to an end.

And then at the grocery store, I think my soulmate was in line in front of me. I didn't talk to him though. We had almost the same things in our carts. I'm not sure I would have picked some of the yogurt flavors I saw, but I'd be willing to give some of them a shot. Especially for my soulmate. Even the overworked, underpaid checker noticed that our carts were full of the same stuff. Here's the rub. My soulmate? Apparently is an old gay guy. Otherwise, I might have asked him over for some organic, hormone free yogurt. I'm not much of one for dating gay men. It doesn't really lead anywhere.

The long and short of it is that I discovered my dog, Laverne, gets a little wiggy over certain Beatles songs (especially songs from the album Abbey Road) and I have a fridge full of yogurt.

Ugh!

2009-09-08T18:01:00.002-05:00

It has been a long month since my last post. I've been semi-posting tweets because most days 140 characters is about all I can handle. But now that I have a new bad ass MacBook Pro and a clean desk in a functional home office, I find myself almost inspired. Please note that I said almost. Yesterday, I hit some sort of twitter wall because I couldn't keep it under 140 characters. And I tried. And tried. And tried some more. I thought about logging into the blog yesterday, but my thoughts were still too scattered. Also? I thought it was much more important to get all of my photos transfered from my old computer. And there were a lot of them. I also thought I should change all of the music on my iPods (how did I end up with two? and why do I think I need to use both of them?). Some of the redundancy in my life boggles the mind. But here I am.

By about 7:02 this morning, I decided that four day work weeks are just a crap idea. This was about the time I checked my work email this morning and saw that my most favorite complainant wanted another go 'round. Next I had to explain to someone that just because you build a little shelf and put your full sized dryer on a rack in a closet over a top loading washing machine (the lid doesn't fully open), that doesn't mean you have a stackable washer dryer unit. Seriously, the picture looks like it came from one of those "you know you are redneck when" emails. Maybe I should scan the picture and start an internet sensation. And why is this part of my job anyway? I have no idea. This all occurred within my first two hours of work (one lunatic per hour???). The day did not improve (the one lunatic per hour quota continued and was often exceed). The rest of it is either too boring or just too shitty to repeat. In short, four day work weeks just mean you have more shitty things packed into less time. All crap. No waiting.

And I'm mad at the Republicans. Since when is it "indoctrination" to tell children to work hard in school? Sturdy so you can ne a socialist, too??? One of my friends said she listened to President Obama's speech backwards and heard the Communist Manifesto. I just wonder if after posting that on Facebook, if people are taking her seriously and seeing if it is really true. Bask in the sarcasm, people!

And I'm also mad that people think it is OK to tell people that you hate the president and that he should die like a slug (check out the video on youtube of the pastor from Arizona). What is up with that? I think it was pretty clear that I hate what Cheney, McCain, Palin, and Rick Perry (especially him right now), and other like them stand for, but I don't ever recall suggesting that they die like slugs (or any other way for that matter). Mostly I just wish they would shut up an go away.

But one piece of enjoyment of late? The Gonzales Cantata! You should totally listen to it. The dude won't go away either. First he is for an investigation of allegations of CIA torture of prisoners. And then against it the very next day. It is always shocking that anyone cares what he thinks, but there is no accounting for what Fox "News" will air. I also wonder if his teaching style is like that. Today you have an A, but then the next day he decides you got a D.

Well, that certainly wouldn't fit in one tweet.
And coming soon: more pumpkin news. I bet you thought I forgot!!!

Shirley Le Pew

2009-08-15T07:23:00.002-05:00

I usually wake up to go to the hell job when it is still kinda dark outside. So sometimes, the dogs think they are helping me by asking to do out on Saturday "morning" when it is still dark and early. Today was one of those days. Shirley asked to go out (there was no indication that she was going on a kill mission) and Laverne stayed hidden under the covers. I didn't think anything of it until I heard a big tussle and snarling. I turned to go back outside to see what happened when Shirley came racing back in the house and went straight to the bathroom. And then I smelled it. SKUNK. That is not what you want to deal with when you are groggy, the house is dark, you aren't wearing your glasses, and you don't even know where anything is that you might need to clean a skunky dog. I'm certain Shirley is still a little skunky, but I know that the house is really skunky. I figured that out when I decided to water the yard since I was already up. Coming back in the house was a horrible shock (the candles are lit and the house is open despite the already uncomfortable temperatures outside). Good thing I have house guests coming later today. What do you say to them? Something like, "so glad you could make it in time to share the skunk!"

tags: skunk

The Glamour of Being a Single Pineapple

2009-08-03T21:19:00.003-05:00

Friday night was a single girl's dream night. Instead of going to a party, I stayed in with my dogs. First the dogs had anxiety attacks about all the lightening and thunder (no rain -- it was all for show). My plan was to go party after then danger had passed. Once "the storm that never was" did finally blow over, it was party time. Just not in the way I was planning. Shirley got a nice case of explosive diarrhea. Lovely, huh?

Instead of getting ready to go hang out with some interesting new people, I had to make a run to the Walgreen's for Kaopectate for the dog. The upside of this is that the trip to the Walgreen's was interesting. Of course going to a drugstore in the 'hood at ten at night always is interesting. First I saw a very large tranny in line wearing a microscopic halter top and mini skirt. She was twice my size, yet wearing clothes smaller than mine. She was dressed like Lula from the Stephanie Plum books -- except the tranny was born a Hispanic man instead of being a vary large black woman. I wanted to ask if she was called Lula, but that would have been rude and she could have totally snapped me like a twig. And then when I was leaving the parking lot some dummy pulled out right in front of me. I had to slam on the brakes. This is when I noticed all of the bullet holes in the car. But after seeing the way they drive, I understand why someone would want to shoot them.

By the time I got Shirley all squared away and diarrhea free, it was 4 am and I was not in the mood to party. And this is why being a single pineapple is so glamorous.

tags: the single life of a pineapple

This is why I love the internets

2009-07-31T09:59:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, two videos were brought to my attention and I really felt like I should get in touch with my inner-kindergartener and share them with you. I really needed a laugh yesterday (not so much today because I have the day off) and both of these videos deleivered in their own special way.

First is the video is a genius telling us about how to get this economy turned around. Well, maybe that's what this about. I'm not exactly sure. When I sent this video to Nervana she asked me the following: "so.........how did sarah palin change her looks so radically?!" These women certainly have the same speech writer if they are actually different people. I'm just wondering how people managed to keep themselves from laughing out loud and who was that fool that clapped when she was done rambling about the free food and the machines that can make stuff?

And speaking of Sarah Palin (I know! I can't let it go!), I absolutely loved William Shatner's reading of her tweets. As far as I'm concerend, Twitter has now become one of the best inventions ever. Before this, I really could take it or leave it. I wish he would make an album of Twitter poetry readings -- I'd be first in line to buy it.

see ya soon, Sarah!

2009-07-29T13:00:00.000-05:00

She may have resigned as Governor of Alaska this week, but we all know she isn't gone forever. That lady is like a bad case of herpes. She always comes back at the most inconvenient times. So I won't say goodbye, just so long for now. And I leave you with her memorable 1984 performance.

Farmer Pineapple

2009-07-28T19:18:00.010-05:00

I didn't say pineapple farmer. Although I guess I am. I have three non-producing pineapple plants. I only harvested that one lemon sized pineapple when I was pineapple farming at work. Obviously the direct result of dedicated state employment. Here is the beauty I harvested on 8/25/08*:

So now that I'm single and have all this time on my hands (read severe sarcasm here), I've decided to grow a crop of pumpkins. Actually, I had a hell of a time finding pumpkins to bake last year so I decided to grow my own. Besides, why spend your time growing useful crops when you can have a whole bunch of one thing, right? So this desire to grow some pumpkins has grown into a mild obsession. And I'm not the only one (not that it makes my obsession any less odd). The Pineapple Parents have started calling for daily pumpkin updates and demanding pictures. Maybe this is some sort of substitute for the grandchildren it looks like I will never give them? In light of this shared obsession, I've decided that the internet as a whole will also be very interested in my pumpkins' progress as well.

I planted the seeds on 7/14/09. "They" say that it takes about 100 days from planting until harvest. That puts me at about October 22nd. Here is a picture of dirt in an egg carton:

Then the wait was on. For days my dirt sat in front of the window with out any change for days! And then one by one the seeds started to sprout. Here is what the pumpkins looked like on 7/26/09:

And here is a bird's eye view of my pumpkin sprouts:

As of 7/28/09, my pumpkin sprouts are really taking off:

Here is a close up of the first seed to sprout:

Later this week, I am going to transplant my little plants into bigger containers so they can grown BIG and STRONG before I kill them in in the Texas heat. Until things cool off, I'm keeping my fingers crossed (and hopefully my thumbs green) and hoping for pumpkins to make a proper pumpkin pie for turkey day this year.

*as always, you can click the pictures for much more bigger!

tags: pumpkin gardening texas

and then there was one...

2009-07-14T18:27:00.004-05:00

well, one pineapple with two dogs. That's because I came home Wednesday and the former MOTL had packed up his shit (well some of it along with the good TV and the remote to the cable box -- bring it back!) and moved to the landfill in Wimberley. So things have been a little off here. I keep meaning to blog (not about my personal bullshit), but for the past week I've just been too bitchy or whiny to do it. Also, I've spent the past week adjusting to the single life. I think it will take some time to get in the swing of being on my own (and not someone's keeper) after five years of whatever. All I know is that my house is a wreck and there is still some ginormous piece of Styrofoam that is painted like a boulder in my backyard that did not move to the landfill with the former other half. When it appeared in the backyard a few weeks ago (conveniently after the bulk trash pick up) I made my feelings clear that it needed to go back from whence it came. It is big and ugly and it looks like this:

When I first commented on how awful it was, I was told that I just didn't understand. Damn straight I don't understand why I would want something like that and I also don't understand why it is still here. Pick it up when you bring back my remote!

Getting my life in some sort of order has been difficult. Mostly because something horrible has happened to my foot -- I have this excruciating and mysterious pain that causes random swelling and constant discomfort. How can I wash that man right out of my hair (and my house) if I can't even walk?!? Today, I had it x-rayed. When the nurse, the doctor, and the x-ray technician each asked which foot was hurting I always replied "my left foot," no one even blinked. I thought it was funny (at least ironic because my left foot was the only thing not working), but maybe they get that all the time. So, now I hobble alone. OK, I hobble with two constantly panicked dogs underfoot as I relearn how to cook for one.

Alberto is gainfully employed!

2009-07-11T07:33:00.003-05:00

My good buddy Alberto Gonzales is moving to Lubbock this fall because he finally got a job! He's going to be teaching political science at Texas Tech. Too bad he isn't teaching ethics though. But I guess he can teach those kids how you go to the AG's hospital bed to get him to sign off on illegal programs and then later how to fire people that have different political views than yourself and call it science! The neat thing about it is that no one will notice the smell of his bullshit because the stockyard just outside of town will cover that up! And another upside of being a Red Raider is that you get to have taco night after you play the Longhorns!*

*I guess that's what happens when they lose to us. Every time I ask my relatives what they do with all of the tortillas (they throw them in the air when they win football games -- I don't know why), they always tell me to shut up. How am I supposed to learn anything when these important questions go unanswered?

tags: Alberto Gonzales Texas Tech Lubbock Texas Tortilla Football Red Raiders Longhorns

I guess I'm old and lame

2009-07-05T12:59:00.003-05:00

Every year, my neighborhood has a 4th of July parade and a picnic. This year there was even a bbq cook off. Our family tradition is that I make breakfast and the Pineapple Parents come over to watch the parade. Then, later in the afternoon I drop by the neighborhood picnic before going over to the Pineapple Parent's house for their annual 4th of July brisket party. After the parade, I got a serious case of the lazies. It may have had something to do with the fact that a certain someone was too hungover to help me get everything set up before the parade and to clean up afterward. So, I decided to skip out on the picnic. I do hate that I missed out on the pear wine.

My parent's dog has developed a really bad habit of bolting out the front door and running to the neighbor's house (they have ferrets inside). However, yesterday's big draw was another neighbor's cook out. I opened the door to let guests in and the dog ran out. Since he has no street smarts and no desire to return when called, I ran after him. And it was hot. I felt like I was running in slow motion. I felt like I couldn't pick up my feet because I was running through hot lava, under a heat lamp. I ran circles around houses and through the neighbors' backyards after that damned dog. He would stop every so often and look to see if I was still coming and then take off again. I finally got lucky when he cornered himself. It is amazing how running after a little dog in record breaking 104 degree weather can really wear you out. I never really recovered from it. By the time I left the Pineapple Parents', I was too tired to go watch the fireworks. I thought I would just watch them on TV, but I was too lame to even stay up to watch Barry Manilow on PBS.

Happy 4th of July, ya'll!

2009-07-04T11:32:00.001-05:00

Have a great holiday weekend! And thanks to Lipz for posting this awesome video! I couldn't steal it without you!

tags: 4th July Redneck White Socks Blue Ribbon Beer Johnny Russell Video youtube

2012 is going to be a great year for my ass!

2009-07-03T15:35:00.000-05:00

Thank you, Sarah Palin!
I look forward to your failed attempt to become the Republican presidential nominee in 2012. Why else would she be stepping down as Governor of Alaska (it certainly isn't because of the numerous ETHICS complaints that have been filed!)??? It will be a great time for me to go to the gym and run up hill on the treadmill because you say such stupid and infuriating things every time you open your big fat mouth. It is going to be great. And my ass is going to look great, too!

tags: Sarah Palin is good for my ass Governor Alaska Republican President 2012

trash talk

2009-06-27T10:07:00.002-05:00

So last weekend we put out a variety of three-legged chairs and other large items that should have never come to my house. The pick up in our area started on Monday, but could come as late as Friday. Naturally, day after day the junk stayed in my yard (it really dressed up the joint!). Then on Thursday I get a call at work from MOTL...

MOTL: The guys working across the street parked in front of our trash. Its still there. They took everyone else's trash.
Me: Fuck. Go over there and tell them they better take that shit with them when they leave work today.
MOTL: I guess I can get my dad to bring his truck and we can take it out to the property*.
Me: No. Go over there and tell them they better figure out how to haul that shit away. And call the city and tell them they missed our stuff. One way or another someone else it taking that shit away.

Call Two--
MOTL: Those guys don't speak English.
Me: Bullshit. They just don't like what you are telling them.
MOTL: I did find out who they work for. Do you want to call?
Me: No. I'm at work. You call. And then call the city and tell them they forgot to pick up our shit.
MOTL: OK.

Call Three--
MOTL: I talked to their boss. And he said they would take our trash when they left the site today.
Me: Did you call the city, too?
MOTL: They said they would circle back around on Friday.
Me: Um, OK (I have my doubts about that part of the story). Well, we'll see what happens. Someone is taking that crap one way or another. But I need to get back to work because I am working.

When I got home the workers and their trailer were still there and that trash was still in my yard. As I sat down on the couch, we heard the truck pull away. Without our garbage. I looked at MOTL and told him to call that dude now.

MOTL: Why don't you call? You're the lawyer.
Me: Yes, but when I call him it is going to be to tell him how much he owes me for having that shit hauled away or else I'm filing a lawsuit and serving him with a shit ton of discovery. Finish what you started.
MOTL: (dials the number, no answer, so he leaves a message)Your guys didn't take the garbage from our house. You better do it tomorrow or my girlfriend, the lawyer, is going to have to have it hauled away and will sue you.
Me: rolled my eyes to the back of my head.

When I got home from work the next day, not only were all of those junky chairs gone but so was the brush that the city wasn't going to take any way. Guess we got a sweet deal after all...

*their property is like the land of misfit toys, except they take everything that they've ever had taht is now broken out their. I think of their property as their own personal landfill.

tags: garbage in my front yard

Pineapple + Feng Shui (insert water feature here)*

2009-06-23T18:46:00.003-05:00

So, I may have mentioned in an earlier post that I had a "plan". Well, it turns out setting your future career goals and thinking of a couple of things you need to do to soothe your current frustration doesn't really qualify as a plan. Also, going on a kick ass vacation really does bring your stress levels down a lot. So much so, that things didn't seem quite so bad (and were frankly humorous) when I returned to work. Mostly that holds true a month later. At least now I'm not desperate to escape so I can wait until the right thing comes along (because I am still looking).

But the thing that has held my attention the most since my return is getting my shit together in my home space.** I was quite thrilled when I got the notice about the bulk trash pick up. All I can say is, "bye bye three legged chair. I never wanted you so you are going back to the curb you came from."*** As did the other shitty chairs that MOTL has collected from the side of the road over the last year. I'm not against roadside furniture, I'm just against broken, mangled and filthy roadside furniture.

I have thorn things out, cleaned shit up, built a pair of nightstands****, rearranged furniture, and planted the beginnings of a garden. I've even started organizing my "home office" so I can get back to writing. Over the past month I have busted my ass and made some real progress. I still have a long way to go, but things are moving forward for the first time in a long time. I don't know if feng shui really works, but I can attest to the fact that getting your shit in order does make you feel better. And that is a start.

*I don't really know if feng shui extends to blogs, but with this heat I am certain I need more water features in my life. Or maybe just a glass of water because I am thirsty.

**Obviously it hasn't been uploading those photos from the kick as vacation...

***The highlight was watching the guy load up our janky bbq pit in the back of his trailer last weekend. MOTL had not cleaned it out and the poor guy got covered in ashes.

****a la target.com

dirty business

2009-06-22T22:28:00.003-05:00

As we are now on day 5468 of over 100 degree weather, it seemed like a fine time to do some gardening. My gardening odyssey started yesterday when the Pineapple Dad started talking about going to buy some plants. So, we all went -- it was a family trip to the hottest place on Earth. Also known as Lowes. By the time I got back to my car and we loaded it up with plants and mulch, I really thought I was going to die. Even the tops of my feet felt like they were on fire from the heat. If a native Texan is whining about the heat, its hot ya'll. MOTL and I came home to unloaded our goods and sleep it off. I drank about a million glasses of water and tried to nap. But I kept thinking about how I really wanted some mint (apparently Lowes is a mint free zone).

Next thing you know, I've talked MOTL into going to our neighborhood Home Depot where we struck out once again (and batting like the Astros). And although he really wanted to go back home, I had a hostage and a mission. We went to a local hardware/garden shop and there we found it. Mint! I now have a 30 foot bed with peppermint, spearmint, lemon mint, orange mint and apple mint. They did not have any chocolate mint and they only had one half dead pineapple mint. Maybe next time.

Now I am dehydrated (I couldn't see through my glasses because the sweat was dripping off me by the gallon -- eeew!) and sore (from digging up the rest of the wandering jew and then planting the mint and mulching). Of course it was just about dark when I finished watering it. And it was still in the upper 90s.

And tomorrow night, I plant the flowers. I rule.

you say you want a revolution

2009-06-17T09:11:00.004-05:00

Frankly, I find the story about the election in Iran fascinating and compelling. And I am totally rooting for the underdog (even though Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Mir-Hossein Mousavi aren't all that different from one another). But Ahmadinejad is kinda scary and I am really against stealing elections. We all know how that turns out.

But what really pisses me off? Statements made by people like Insane McCain. Where does he get off insisting we take a hard line and support the opposition party. Does that include bombing them (and should we sing a song while we do it?)? Do people still take him seriously? And my question is: should they have taken a hard line with us in 2000? God knows it would have saved us some trouble (you know, like two wars and a financial crisis). But what is more appalling are the tweets from jackasses like John Culberson (comparing himself to the Iranians because the republicans are "repressed"). Whatever. You sad republican that benefited from the illegal gerrymandering in Texas, you are so repressed.

the party's over...

2009-06-01T15:04:00.002-05:00

...and all I have to show for it is a wicked case of jet lag. My body thinks it is bedtime and I know I still have to leave the comfort of my air conditioned bedroom to get dog food and groceries. In that order because the dogs rule in this house (that, and I ate enough on that cruise ship that maybe I don't really need to eat all that much anyway). I actually filled up a travel journal* and took hundreds of pictures (many of them are "Traveling Pineapple" worthy). I had 18 much needed work-free days. But tomorrow I go back to what ever fresh hell that has erupted in my absence and long for the gentle rocking of the boat (not to mention the 15 days that I did not have to cook, clean, do the dishes, do the laundry, or any of those other shitty things).

*all handwritten, too. it was nice to spend some quality time writing, even if it wasn't quality writing.

I'm leaving on a jet plane

2009-05-16T05:40:00.001-05:00

And then I'm getting on a boat...

In fact, my plane for New York should be leaving right about now. I'll be back next month with lots of pictures (you know me).

Until then -- see ya!

time to freak out the dogs

2009-05-15T07:31:00.002-05:00

They know something is up and they have been under my feet and on my lap for days. Shirley has even had middle of the night snuggle emergencies. There is nothing more restful than a 60 pound dog throwing her self on top of you or trying to get under you. Last night I had to spoon her so I wouldn't get pushed off the bed and Laverne had her head on my food with her legs wrapped around mine. I seriously need some coffee.

So today I pack my bags and go see Star Trek at the IMAX. But first I have to rub Shirley's tummy.

These Shoes Suck

2009-05-12T23:06:00.000-05:00

I don't know why people seem to like these New Balance shoes so much. Frankly, I've never experienced shoes so painful. I'd much rather run in stripper shoes than these things. I've had these stupid shoes for three weeks now and I think it is fair to call them torture devices. I've tried and I've tried, but after today I can take no more.* After thirty minutes my right foot was covered in blisters and the bottom of my left foot was numb. Not even hooker heels do that to your feet.

The thing that really gets me is that I wore these shoes around the store for twenty minutes and they felt great.** They remind me of that crazy ex-boyfriend (or ex-girlfriend depending on who you like to like) that was really fun and nice at first and then you wake up and they are bat shit crazy.*** I'm pretty sure I can't take these shitty shoes back, so what do you do with shoes this awful? MOTL suggested that I donate them, but can I do that with a clear conscious? Can I really not feel bad about giving these crippling shoes to some unsuspecting soul? Maybe I should just send them back to New Balance with a note that says, "no backs!" What I do know, is that I'm not taking these stupid shoes half way around the globe to continue the torture of my poor little piggies. Not very vacation like if you ask me.

In the end, I have learned that there is a reason I have been wearing the same brand of shoes for over ten years and this is my punishment for being unfaithful.

I have to conclude that Run DMC was oh, so very right when they said:

my Adidas and me, close as can be
we make a mean team, my Adidas and me
we get around together, rhyme forever
and we won't be mad when worn in bad weather
My Adidas..
My Adidas..
My Adidas

*And if these craptastic shoes weren't enough to deal with, some asshole changed the channel so I had to watch Paula Deen smother food with bacon and butter.
**Apparently wearing the shoes around the store while you shop is frowned upon by the employees at the Academy. So, I guess the ads about it being "my store" are not so true afterall.
***On Sunday I talked about people that behave like this and the Pineapple Dad asked me if I had some experience with this (in a way that implied I might be the one that is on good behavior at the start and then later on behave badly). I told him that wasn't true because I am always a sarcastic bitch and it is no act. MOTL said nothing and started "reading" a home decor catalog. He made the right choice because there is no right response.

How to Secede the Union Without Really Trying

2009-05-11T06:27:00.001-05:00

Personally, I think this uproar about Gov. Good Hair making comments about Texas seceding is hilarious. For weeks, this has been on the national news. Really? Maybe I'm baffled because this is nothing new for Texans. We are always talking about seceding. It never made the national news before. I even had a "Secede" sticker on my first car. And I wasn't the only one. Hippies and rednecks alike had that same sticker. What baffles me even more is that the media believes that this is some sort of Republican "movement". Last time this idea had legs Texans were just pissed and Ronald Reagan was president (kind of blows that whole Republican thing argument, huh?). The media has even been taking polls to prove their point. Now they are convinced it is a Southern Republican thing (so why did they pass that sovereignty resolution in one of the Dakotas? They ain't Southern).

Well, here is my point: all these people talking about seceding in other states are a bunch of copy cat posers. Rick Perry is still an idiot, by the way.*

Here is the skinny on the movement to secede. Texas was a sovereign nation (Texas has been rockin' its independence since March 2, 1936**) that included what the non-geographically challenged persons will recognize as present day Texas and parts of New Mexico, Oklahoma, Kansas, Colorado, and Wyoming. When Texas joined the union, we reserved the right to leave whenever we wanted. And we frequently want to leave (again, I stress that this is not the first time). Also, we were not required to turn over public lands to the government. In other words, all federal land in Texas had to be purchased from us and we still own all of our oil reserves (and our jurisdiction extends 3 leagues offshore while yours is only 3 miles, other coastal states). Don't you other states feel foolish for just giving your shit away? And while I'm showing off, we joined the union in 1845 (official date December 29). And if you are wondering how the shape of Texas changed, we were given the authority to divide Texas (solely our discretion) and decided to cede the parts that are now New Mexico, Oklahoma, Kansas, and Wyoming to the feds in 1852 (mostly to get the Union to pay our debts from our time as a Republic). So, as much as our public education system has failed in Texas, we know our Texas history and we celebrate Texas Independence Day. We all know that that everything in Texas is bigger and better. We also have heated debates about whether we kept our right to leave the Union after the Civil War (and whether we were brought back into the Union legally). We even had a standoff. Remember when Richard McLaren declared war on the United States? We do.***

So, these other states with their secession movements don't have this same kind of history (or standoffs) that we do. They are just pissed that the Republicans lost control and that their party is in real danger of being a political party non grata. For them, this is all about throwing a tantrum and that makes them copy cat posers. For Gov. Good Hair, this is a Texas tradition and an idea that is old hat. And whether or not we agree with him (or even like him), Texans don't see why this is such news to the rest of you.

*He's just squawking about seceding to justify not taking money we really need (the Texas Workforce Commission is out of money and he won't take money for unemployment benefits). We have taken federal aid to get more bacon flu supplies and we have received the most disaster money from FEMA than any other state. That's because under Rick Perry's rule, we don't need no stinkin' federal government. Thus, he is an idiot.

**BTW, I did not have to look any of this up, but feel free to fact check. You will find that I am right. Texas children are required to learn a lot about Texas history. It was even required in college.

***We weren't really rooting for him. While the media was making comments about him being a wingnut with too many guns, we all knew he was a mid-westerner with not enough guns.

hair!

2009-05-08T17:15:00.003-05:00

"I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy
Snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty
Oily, greasy, fleecy, shining
Gleaming, steaming, flaxen, waxen
Knotted, polka-dotted; Twisted, beaded, braided
Powdered, flowered, and confettied
Bangled, tangled, spangled and spaghettied!"

well doesn't that sounds exciting? it really wasn't. More of a pain in the ass really, so I chopped it all off today on a whim. a little over six inches. and I got bangs, too! I'm feeling better. So much so, that I actually started feeling a little snarky and sarcastic today. Maybe I will dye my hair red while I'm at it...

a pineapple with a plan

2009-05-07T18:56:00.003-05:00

When you've hit your limit of bullshit, the best thing you can do is come up with a plan. As I was inundated with phone calls from the masses, I started to think about where I really wanted to be. I've had an idea about where I'd like to end up for a while. I never imagined that I'd be using my law degree to answer stupid questions (and, yes, there are stupid question and they are usually asked by stupid people). As I answered one stupid question after another, I realized that my current job isn't the way to fulfill any type of future career goals. My job really is a joke. But it was a moment in the hall when I greeted my supervisor and got no response (rude much?) that my decision had really been made. Today is the day that I committed to finding a new job. A job that will get me to my goal. Because at my age, it really is time I had some sort of career goals. I'm still miserable and desperately unhappy in my current situation, but I'm not feeling as overwhelmed by it now that I have a plan. And I didn't want to cry when I got home for the first time in weeks. I'm not usually a crier, but lately it has seemed like a good idea. Things have been that craptastic.

Admittedly, it isn't just my job that is getting me down. So, I've come up with a plan to get my non-work life back on track. One of my goals is to get back to something that makes me feel good -- writing down my bullshit thoughts. I haven't committed to getting back to my blog per se. Maybe I'll start working on the book I never finished, maybe I'll start a new blog. I don't know yet. But rambling on about my personal bullshit has helped me sort some shit out in my head.

All I have to do now is survive one more week of bullshit, then I have two weeks to clear my head before I tackle the my new goals.

yes, it's been two months

2009-05-05T23:27:00.003-05:00

and let's face it, the pineapple world has been pure shit since the last time I blogged. frankly, I'm not sure if this is a one time deal or maybe there is still a flicker or glimmer of something like drive to start this again. I just don't know. I do feel a need to purge, or bitch, or complain, or rant, or SOMETHING. I wish I could point to the one thing that made me so completely unmotivated to do anything. But I just can't. I can point to a lot of somethings in almost every aspect of my life that are completely jacked up. And that is where my lack of motivation comes from -- the fact that everything is screwed up.

It really is sad when there hasn't been a single, stupid world event that inspired me to give my opinion to the lack of masses flocking to my blog. Not the ridiculousness of the Republicans, the absurdity of the swine flu panic, or Captain Sullenberger's ruined library books inspired me to turn on my computer. It wasn't even remotely motivating when Spain was talking about prosecuting Alberto for war crimes. You know a pineapple is in a bad way when that can't touch her inner blogger. Pity party, ya'll. Pity. Party.

Here I am. Another night of stressful thoughts and lack of sleep in pineapple land. Watch me as I am say absolutely nothing and get uncharacteristically personal in a vague way. I keep thinking that I'm getting closer to a good place and I make a move forward only to get bitch slapped about ten steps back. Almost everything I own is damaged, broken, missing, or deficient in some way and since I had the poor judgment to go and get myself a guv'mint job I have no money to take care of this shit. I mean really, should I get a new wireless router so I can not blog from any room in the house or pay the electric bill so I can complain that I have electricity, but not wireless internet.

Speaking of my guv'mint job, well, my work situation is unbearable. Everyone has gone insane and although I do my job well I am on some shit list for an unknown reason. If I weren't so damned broke from my lack of income I'd sing those bitches a certain Johnny Paycheck song. Oh, come on, you know the one (it rhymes with take this job and shove it...). And naturally since Gov. Goodhair is more interested in refusing stimulus money and talking about seceding while asking for drugs from the federal government in his unreasonable bacon flu panic, there will be no cost of living raise for state employees. There is no money for that. And he doesn't have time to worry about that anyway when he wants to make sure dead people get buried with their IDs. Or something like that. I am almost tempted to vote in the Republican primary just so I can vote against that dickwad. A shitty salary keeps an employee motivated to stick around -- don't pay me enough to live on and then refuse to give me a cost of living raise when my cost of living gets more and more expensive. Hell, If I cut much more out of my budget I will be sitting around in the dark listening to my stomach growl. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful to have a job but just watch me cross party lines to help Miss Breck kick your ass, buddy.

But the thing that prays on my mind the most is that I can't face going back to the gym. Let's just ignore the fact that after months of eating healthy and making three to four trips to the gym every week, there has been no progress. I should have kept my old job and completed the tour of every single Whataburger and Sonic in the State of Texas. At least I got some good pictures out of it. And it isn't even the fact that those fools screwed my account up so badly that they stop me to make sure I can come in every single time I go. I now just say," it's not me, it's you" when I hand them my card. Some of those dummies get the joke, but most of the time I get a blank stare. But that really isn't what puts me off of that place. It is the asswipe that likes to change the channel to the Food Network on half of the TVs in that place. I try to pick a place where I can watch the news and not see that shit at all. But without fail there are at least two TVs that have that food channel in my line of vision. I get tricked by the commercials, I guess. I just can't face another episode of Paula Deen (she always seems to be on no matter what time I'm at the gym). I do not need to watch her put five sticks of butter in everything. It doesn't matter what she is making (butter salad, anyone?). At some point she says,"Oh honey, I think that needs some butter! Don't you?" And then she puts 50 sticks in the pan. Frankly, there should be a law against showing food shows at a gym. Isn't food the main reason any of us exercise???

I guess the long and not so short of it is that my life is in shambles and the only thing that keeps me going is that I get two weeks off to go a trip with the pineapple family. And I am so grateful that they are taking me because I can't afford to run away on my own (thanks, Rick Perry). The big question is, "can I make it 9 more days?"

The Upside Down Pineapple

2009-03-19T06:41:00.002-05:00

I can't believe I'm doing this. It may be the fact that I haven't really slept in a few days, but I think that I'd still be going to bat for Meghan McCain even if I were well rested. You heard me: Meghan McCain. Truthfully, she can stick up for herself.

But here is my thing, Laura Ingraham really crossed a line when she called Ms. McCain fat. This all started with a fight that Ms. McCain picked with Ann Coulter. As Ms. McCain correctly points out Ann Coulter is too extreme and really doesn't represent mainstream Republican thinking. She could have also pointed out that Ann Coulter is a hate monger and that she could snap her like the insignificant twig that she is, but she didn't. It seems that Ms. McCain recognizes that there is a big problem within the GOP and wants to work to solve it. She also recognizes that the world has changed and that people just aren't buying into that extremist, hateful crap that people like Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter are spewing. Honestly, Ms. McCain's cause is not mine because I really don't care that the GOP is in shambles and has been hijacked by a few extreme nut jobs. But more power to her, just the same.

The odd thing about all of this is that Ann Coulter hasn't opened her annoying trap in response. Not one peep (we know her silence does not signal her agreement with Ms. McCain's assessment). Could she be too busy morning the decline in her book sales to pipe up and say something completely offensive and out of line about Ms. McCain? I can't imagine that she asked Laura Ingraham for her help because she is unable to make her own offensive remarks in response. But that's how it worked out. Laura Ingraham decided she should respond to Ms. McCain's criticisms of Ann Coulter. I'm not really sure what a "useful idiot" is because how could an idiot ever be useful? But calling her a plus-sized model? Well, that bitch has gone too far. Where is the logic in that? I don't like what you said so you must be fat?!? Now, that is some "useful" dialogue. No wonder, not even Fox News wants Laura Ingraham. Besides, Meghan McCain is not fat. Frankly, the GOP should keep its collective mouth shut until it has something constructive to say. At this point, only Meghan McCain should be doing the talking because the rest of them aren't working to solve the problem they are just adding to it.

And just for the record, both Ann Coulter and Laura Ingraham can kiss my fat ass.

tags: Meghan McCain Ann Coulter Laura Ingraham

Too Bad You Can't Keep Up

2009-03-11T09:18:00.002-05:00

Certain whiners, like Senator "Campaign Suspender" McCain and Senator Arlen Spector, believe that President Obama should only focus on the economy to the exclusion of all else. While the economy is in the tank, there are a lot of other issues that are important (health care, education, energy, etc.). And guess what? Fix those things and you repair the economy in the long term (the stimulus package is merely a stop gap measure). Then there are certain other fat asses that just hope that he fails. Under the old administration, that would have been considered "un-American" and out right treason. Now that we have the right to free speech (and other civil liberties) again that is just considered stupid and idiotic.

Thankfully, our President can fix more than one thing at a time (he really can walk and chew gum at the same time!). It isn't my problem that those Republicans are too slow and can't keep up. The American voters picked Obama because he is like Elvis (if you are slow Republican, this means Obama can TCB in a flash (TCB means to "take care of business")). Unlike that old guy that pretended to suspend his campaign in an attempt to get out of a debate he knew he would lose to go campaign instead of showing up in D.C. to "solve the economic crisis" at a time the fundamentals of the economy were strong.

So, it turns out that this is not going to be the "No Drama Obama" administration people were predicting. It just happens that all the drama is created by a bunch of babies that hate that Obama is faster, stronger and smarter than them. Maybe we should call it As the Republican Party Self-Destructs?

Want A Free Meal? Call 911

2009-03-04T14:40:00.002-06:00

You may run into some trouble with the local police and may have to visit a judge for misusing 911, but in the end you will get some free McNuggets. Just ask Latreasa Goodman of Florida. She called 911 three times when her local McDonald's ran out of Chicken McNuggets and refused to give her a refund. The end result was that McCDonald's will be giving her a full refund and a free meal. I guess calling 911 paid (off unless you factor in that trip to the courthouse to deal with the criminal charge for misusing 911). I guess those McNuggets must be really good.

Is this what it has come to?

2009-03-01T10:00:00.002-06:00

Since we can't find anything really wrong with Michelle Obama people are bitching about her sleeveless dresses? I guess they got all the mileage they could out of her quitting her job to help her husband become president. When the media couldn't paint her as some pushover, they had nowhere to go. Until they realized she likes to wear sleeveless dresses. I know things are a little boring when there aren't criminals running things, but since when did the right to bare arms become a news story? The answer is: this week.

Frankly, after the last eight years of Laura "Crazy-Eyes" Bush and her boring ass wardrobe, seeing a fashionable First Lady is nice. And I'm at a loss as to why there is such an ado about her wearing a sleeveless dress to the President's Congressional Address. Just because everyone else has worn boring ass suits and dumpy dresses to those things in the past doesn't mean you can't wear something nice. I thought you were supposed to wear something nice when you were going to be on TV. And if I had guns like that, I'd wear sleeveless dresses and shirts everyday.

I'm guessing the new fashion is going to be women with some serious guns going sleeveless. I've already seen lots of nice flower pins in the stores (a la Democratic Convention). I already had the vintage jewelry, but I guess it is time to go to the gym to work on my own set of guns.

tags: Michelle Obama Laura Bush Fashion Sleeveless Dress

Sour Pineapples

2009-02-28T08:26:00.004-06:00

My blogging has been spotty at best recently. More like non-existent with a splash of blog. And I really think I have to blame the Republicans for this one. How interesting is it to bitch about a bunch of out of touch fools that "just say no" to everything? The answer: it isn't. So where does it leave a Pineapple that is still full of resentment about all of the things the last administration jacked up? Basically, on that back shelf in that closet with all of the other broken record players. So all I can do now is muddle through all the "no" sayers and find a few little nuggets of blogginess. So here's my recap of last week.

Tuesday was President Obama's first address to Congress. Because it was his first, it wasn't called actually called a State of the Union Address. Instead he told us how fucked we are. And then he told us how we were going to fix things. And then he told us about people that were getting things done. I bet that girl never imagined that writing a letter to the president about how shitty her school is would land her on center stage during a nationally televised presidential speech. And on a absolutely superficial note, I loved Michelle's dress. Also, he told us he was going to start reforming our health system first thing on Wednesday. Obama is a bad ass.

But the best part of Tuesday night is that we were treated to a crazy speech from Bobby Jindal. Or was it Kenneth the Page? Obviously, Jindal doesn't have any gravitas. Just a wavy arm and a strange cadence to his speech that cannot be attributed to a Louisiana accent. It was also obvious that he watches Fox News and listens to Rush Limbaugh because he actually believes that there is a provision in the stimulus plan for a high speed train from Las Vegas to Disneyland. The "Harry Reid Train" is purely a Republican creation and does not appear in the stimulus plan or any other place on this planet. And then he used examples of the what happened under the Bush administration to explain why government is always bad. And then he played the Katrina card. Unfortunately Harry Lee is dead now and can't refute that bullshit story. And he would have too. Mostly because Bobby Jindal did not go to Jefferson Parish while they were rescuing people with boats. He was safely in Baton Rouge and only flew over New Orleans one time and DID NOT LAND THERE. Naturally, Jindal immediately took his family to Disney World and couldn't clear up his lie or discuss he uncanny resemblance to Kenneth the Page. Here is a scary idea: a Jindal-Palin ticket full of misinformation and an indecipherable web of lies.

But the big news is that the Obama girls are getting their dog in April! I can't wait to see all the pictures of them playing with their new puppy. Don't we all need some happy images right about now?

I Heart Norman Gentle

2009-02-26T12:16:00.002-06:00

He is by far the most entertaining thing to hit American Idol. I sure hope he makes it to the Final 12. Seriously. Simon hates him. The headband and the shiny shirt are hot. Isn't that enough to put him through?

A Different Kind of Grocery List

2009-02-21T11:36:00.003-06:00

Although we have a paper grocery list, sometimes MOTL uses this erasable board on the fridge to write down what he thinks we need from the store. It is truly unfortunate that I missed out on taking a picture of the last grocery list that MOTL made for me. The previous list included some pretty nasty things like "sand meat" and things I wouldn't want like "plastic cops".

This new list is a little more obtuse. For instance, the first item is: "japs". Am I supposed to pick up some Japanese at the store? That can't be right. "Cheeze" just sounds yucky. I don't even want to know where that is. And the last one is like a lawyer joke gone wrong. When you ask for "torts" are you asking me to get sued or sue someone at the store? That doesn't seem like a good idea. Upon questioning MOTL about the list I discovered that he wanted: jalapenos, cheese, and tortillas.

blogging is a lot like going to the gym...

2009-02-20T10:37:00.003-06:00

... you skip a couple of days and next thing you know it has been weeks since you considered writing anything. And honestly, I haven't been compelled to really bitch about much. It seems that my dissatisfaction with the world has been a driving force behind this blog. I guess I really am a bitch. Recently my biggest complaint has been that they don't tell me enough about the Obama girls. Do they like living in the White House? What are they wearing (because they wear the cutest outfits ever!)? How is the hunt for the puppy going? I'm tired of all the bad news. That, and I really love the Obama girls. It makes me smile every time I see them. And don't we need more of that? Personally, I'm looking for some of that hope that the president promised.

So why blog today? Because my muse has made a cameo appearance, that's why! I will almost always blog about my muse and good buddy Alberto Gonzales. He did sign my law license after all. I guess I owe him something for that (read into that what you will). So here's the deal: he's agreed to cooperate with a truth committee (whatever the fuck that is) so long as its truth they are talking about and it doesn't get politicized. And that's how my muse rolls. Karl Rove is screwing around with "executive privilege" while my muse goes straight to redefining the rules. If you don't like what they are asking about you don't have to cooperate because they aren't talking about the truth any more. Guess that lawyer training did pay off after all. It certainly didn't help with that job he had where he was defending the Constitution or whatever it was the American people expected him to do. So I say bring on this "truth commission" thing because I miss my muse.

Hello! And Good Luck, Mr. President

2009-01-20T06:30:00.002-06:00

Over the years, I have spent a good deal of time bitching about the state of the nation. "No, kidding!" you say. Truth is, I'm not even close to being done. But what does go without saying is how thrilled I am about today. I could go on and on about how momentous and historic today is, and how people will remember where they were when Barack Obama was sworn in as president. But we know that. If you've turned on the TV in the past week, you know this. I for one, will be locked in my office watching it streaming on the internet.

Here is the important thing: this man is willingly taking on today what has got to be the shittiest job in the world. Normally, one could view being POTUS as the top prize of jobs, but after eight years of destructive policy that just isn't true any more. So this is what I have to say to you, Barack Obama: thank you and good luck. Because you are going to need it.

Never Can Say Good-bye

2009-01-19T21:16:00.002-06:00

Seriously. I thought I was done blogging about him. Then I realized that when I got dressed this morning, that today was the last time that I could wear this shirt with any meaning. And if you you don't truly "get" the shirt here is the scoop: Baby Boy Bush was born in Connecticut in 1946 and his family moved to Texas in 1948. Since then, he has wrongly claimed this state as his own. He is really a dumbass Yankee in boots and has a "ranch" where he raises brush. Now that he will (keep your fingers crossed) stay out of the spotlight and quit giving ridiculous interviews and press conferences, he can fade into the country's history as the shittiest president that ever was a president.

A Final Good-bye

2009-01-11T10:40:00.004-06:00

This is the tenth and final post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

I'd like to start by saying that I easily could have done a list far longer than the top ten stupidest moments of Baby Boy Bush. Let's face it after living under his thumb since 1995, the list could have been a lot longer. Frankly, being governor of Texas and undoing every good thing Ann Richards ever did for Texas was just practice for undoing the good work our Founding Fathers did. And over the course of this blog I have bashed and ridiculed this asshole for a lot of the things he has done so there is not need to go back and rehash it all. Besides it just pisses me off to think on it too much. One can only hope that at this point, he will go back to his "ranch" in Crawford (and Laura back to Big D as I have heard from a very reliable source) and we will never hear from them again. And in honor of all the foolishness I leave you with this: the segwey accident.

This may not have been the most spectacularly stupid thing he ever did as leader of the free world, but definitely one of the most foolish. He fell off of his mother's segway. Just think about this for a minute. If Barbara Bush can ride that thing without injury, shouldn't he be able to? So goodbye, you clumsy mother fucker and thanks for destroying the economy, the constitution, and our relationships with the rest of the world. You will not be missed.

tags: George W Bush Public Enemy and Loser Leader of the Free World for a few more days

Guess Who's Thinking About Changing Professions?

2009-01-09T23:32:00.001-06:00

My old buddy Alberto! That's who! Yesterday I read about how he was going to write a book that tells the truth about the Bush administration. Uh huh. Well, when he's done with that and people start caring what he thinks about things like who the President should appoint to the Supreme Court (because anyone has ever asked his opinion before), he is going to change careers. This was the best quote from the article:

"I'm optimistic by nature. And I'm going to take this experience and things that I've learned and hopefully be a productive member of our community," he said. "I'm very wide open. I've had some people say I'm very fortunate that I'm at a point in my life where if I wanted to do something completely different — be baseball commissioner, for example, I would love a job in baseball, a plug there — I can do it."

I guess this means that when I completely destroy the Constitution and the reputation of this nation, I will be thinking the next logical step in my career will be taking a job as baseball commissioner. That about sums it up.

Really? An Old Texas Saying?

2009-01-08T07:00:00.001-06:00

This is the ninth post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

Here, Baby Boy Bush claims that not only is this an old Tennessee saying (this, I cannot verify one way or another) but it is also an old saying in Texas. Unless this is something they say while they are turkey bowling, I vehemently dispute that stupid remark. This was the first time I had ever heard this "old saying." Thankfully, it was not the last because it is really funny.

tags: George W Bush Old Saying Tennessee Texas Can't Get Fooled Again

Tom Craddick is a big fat L-O-S-E-R

2009-01-05T11:57:00.002-06:00

And last night he FINALLY came to grips with the fact.** At this point it feels like Craddick has been Speaker of the Texas House FOREVER, but turns out it has only been since 2003. Since Texas is finally a two party state (the Republicans finally stopped calling themselves Democrats and went to their own damned party), Tom Craddick can call himself the first Republican Speaker since Reconstruction. But seriously, that is just because it wasn't cool to call yourself a Republican until the late 1980s. There some that held out until the mid-90s before making the big switch. So truthfully, other people that were really Republicans held office as Democrats (the later traded in their team colors when it was safe to do so). But the point is that very few people will be sad to see him go. The way Craddick has ruled the Texas House makes the German Nazis look like pansies. Anyone that showed any hint of opposition was immediately stripped of their committee appointments and he regularly suspended House rules to prevent voting on a new Speaker. However, it was clear on Friday that with his 11 pledged votes from some brave Republicans and the 60 Democrats that pledged not to vote for Craddick, that Rep. Straus was going to kick Craddick to the curb (so to speak, I'd pay good money to see the real deal). However, in a fit of cowardice of losing he just dropped out of the race last night and is supporting some other asshat that he is friends with. With the House split 76-74 (not so Red in Texas anymore!), the Republicans can't get away with replacing Craddick with more of the same. Hooray!

**If you don't live in Texas, you probably don't give a shit about any of this and that is OK.

Flipping the Bird

2009-01-05T07:00:00.001-06:00

This is the eighth post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

Hey! I'm the Asshat they call president! Heh heh heh. See! I can flip you off because I'm the president! Heh heh heh.

Baby Boy Bush making his Mama proud!

tags: George W Bush Flipping the Bird

Bird Shits on Bush

2009-01-02T07:00:00.002-06:00

This is the seventh post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

Some asshat once told me that it is good luck when a bird shits on you (a sentiment echoed by this reporter). Obviously, the people that say things like that have never experienced it. I did not feel lucky my freshman year in college when a bird shit on my head while I was flirting with a cute boy. However in the case of this clip, the world at large at least got a chuckle.

tags: George W Bush Bird Shit

Let's Build A Fence

2008-12-29T07:00:00.001-06:00

This is the sixth post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

One of the more ridiculous plans associated with the politics of fear and keeping foreigners out of our country as a safety measure is "The Great Fence of Mexico". Because a fence along the border of Mexico is going to keep us safe. Seriously. Don't you remember high level Republicans telling us how dire the border situation is because we don't know why those people from Mexico want to enter this country illegally? Never mind that this fence randomly cuts through private property, border towns, and college campuses. Never mind that there is a ridiculous price tag attached to this fence. And that this fence was never finished. But nevertheless, this fence is really super important ya'll because we really need this fence to keep us safe from terrorists. Obviously no one will ever be able to get over that fence.

tags: George W Bush fence border security Mexico

R.I.P. Eartha Kitt

2008-12-27T08:46:00.002-06:00

When I read about her death, they claimed she was best known for singing "Santa Baby", but this is the song that I associate with Eartha Kitt. Here's to the hottest Catwoman. C'est Si Bon.

tags: Eartha Kitt

Even Barney is Fed Up!

2008-12-25T00:01:00.000-06:00

This is a special Christmas Edition of my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

Every year the Bush family has subjected Barney to some sort of Christmas adventure. In 2001, Barney and Spotty tell us all about decorating the White House for Christmas through a series of pictures with really lame dialogue. By 2002, the technology of home videos hits the White House and the Barney Cam is born. In 2003, Barney decides to play ball instead of decorating the White House and leaves Alberto Gonzales on his own to figure out where to hang a wreath. This is also the year that Dick Cheney is removed from the White House Christmas website. Bah humbug! And the scroogery continues in 2004 when they decide not to make a new Barney movie and just post the two previous videos. Lame!

2005 presented a new challenge to Barney: Miss Beazley! This is when we see a glimpse of his temper, temper! Don't worry, they work it out in the end.

In 2006, Bush asks Barney, "What's the plot about?" Why Barney didn't just bite him for his bad grammar, I will never know. But the show must go on. Once Barney decides on a "Holiday Extravaganza" he has to ask for money for his production. This is where it gets even better because in response to his budget request, Paulson tells Barney, "we are out of money." Karl Rove auditions and Dolly Parton comes to watch.

"Holidays in the National Parks" was the theme for 2007 and Barney and Miss Beazley don't disappoint. They do what they can to become junior park rangers and we learn about 50 times that the White House sits within one of our national parks.

Unfortunately, we save the worst Barney cam for last. This one just has a bunch of bad acting (which isn't that much different than the other years), but without any redeeming qualities. It is a bad sign when the Olympic gold medalists are the best actors and they aren't that good.

No wonder it has come to this:

That poor dog has got to be sick of their crap by now.

tags: Barney Miss Beazley Willard the Cat Bush Christmas Barney Cam Bites Reporter

Strategery

2008-12-23T07:00:00.001-06:00

This is the fourth post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

On February 9, 2001, Bush used the word "strategery" claiming it was a shout out to Will Farrell's performance. Apparently, the term came to be used around the White House quite frequently after that SNL episode. So much that a trial exhibit from the 2007 "Scooter" Libby trial included the term, in Libby's daily schedule for June 10, 2003, which showed that Libby had a 6:00 pm "Strategery Meeting" scheduled to last 90 minutes. So was it a shout out, or did he think it was a real word? My guess is that he heard it so often, he thought is was a proper word. Nice.

tags: George W Bush Scooter Libby Strategery

Turkey Bowling

2008-12-20T07:00:00.000-06:00

This is the third post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series.

Once upon a time there was a fool. This fool had an important Daddy, important friends, and lots of money despite running several fool-proof businesses into the ground. This fool also owned 1% of a baseball team. One day this fool woke up and decided to be Governor of Texas (because owning 1% of a baseball qualifies you for the job). The rest is a history (in a long, dark, seems like it will never end kind of way). But what many people don't realize that those of us in Texas could see what was coming. We were entertained in that horrified-that-the-leader-of-the-free-world-would-say-that kind of way, but never surprised by the Presidential gaffes. You see, he had been doing stupid shit the whole time he was Governor. Some people would call it foreshadowing.

tags: George W. Bush Turkey Bowling video

A Love Letter In My Yard

2008-12-19T07:00:00.001-06:00

[Click the image for more BIGGER!]

As luck would have it, I came across an interesting letter just laying about in my front yard. I've been carrying it around in my purse for weeks. Finally, I scanned it and I am going to share anonymous' love with Marshall for the internet-at-large to enjoy. I am most struck by her concept of spontaneous. Simply brilliant! And for the record, I have no idea the identity of the lovely young anonymous or who Marshall is. For those of you that do not have the patience to click for more Bigger, I have transcribed the letter for you.

Dear Marshall,
I think you are so sexy! How come you don't look @ me when I am in Moody hall comp. lab? I even saw you in the library + you didn't even smile! :( Please be mine. I heart you a LOT!! I think that we might be soul mates?! Maybe we can get together. I will give you a special smile next time I see you. To make it more spontaneous I am not going to tell you who I am!
- anonymous

tags: Love Letter To Marshall From Anonymous

Shoes. Shoes. Shoes. Oh My God. Shoes.

2008-12-18T20:26:00.003-06:00

This is the second post in my "Good-bye to You, W!" series. While this really falls under current events, undoubtedly this will be one of those moments we will fondly remember for years to come.

So while we all await the fate of the Iraqi television journalist that threw his shoes at Baby Boy Bush, we are all subjected to the many videos versions. We have the purist version with subtitles for those us of that are unfamiliar with Arabic (and a slo-mo replay too!):

And the version where the Three Stooges throw shoes and pies and whatever at him. The remix versions and parodies (like the cats and the Austin Powers versions). And now, we are finding that shoe throwing is the new protest. I have been throwing shoes at the president (OK, just my house shoes being hurled at the TV) for years.

But I am a purist, so I prefer Kelly and her search for shoes:

And for the record, I think they should pardon Muntazer al-Zaidi.

tags: George W. Bush Muntazer al-Zaidi shoes

Good-bye to you, W!

2008-12-14T19:24:00.003-06:00

This country has suffered through long 8 years of George W. Bush and he has certainly left behind a legacy. A legacy of a couple of wars, a failed economy, and the erosion of our civil liberties. You know, little things like that. So consider yourself lucky that you've only known him since he took office in 2001. Lucky you. I have been suffering through the entire Bush years, beginning in 1995 when he became governor of Texas. You know, his administration hasn't been all torture and violations of the Geneva Convention. He left us with countless hours of gag reels and moments that left us going, "huh?" Since we have all suffered through the dark time, let's take a look back at some of the finer moments of The W Years. Over the next few weeks I will be revisiting some of Baby Boy Bush's finer moments.

tags: George W Bush

For Sale: Imaginary Sunshine and a Senate Seat

2008-12-10T09:09:00.002-06:00

Available to highest bidder - one Illinois Senate Seat. Recently vacated by a Motherfucker that won't help me sell his seat. Ideal candidate has lots of money to pay upfront and two high paying jobs (must be able to employ my wife as well). Looking for someone who falsely believes that there are no clouds over my head and that our conversations will not be subject to wiretapping. Ability to fire the editorial staff at the Tribune a plus. Are you Candidate 6?

Send your briefcase full of cash and job offers to the Governor c/o the Illinois penitentiary system.

Attention All Units

2008-12-02T20:42:00.002-06:00

As posted on Campus Watch by UT Police Department on Decembver 1, 2008:

DKR- TEXAS MEMORIAL STADIUM, 2200 Robert Dedman

Robbery: Several UT staff members, faculty, students, and Texas Ex's discovered a fraction of a percentage point had been taken and was transported across state lines. The percentage point was discovered north of the Red River at the campus of another Big 12 South University.

tags: BCS Stinks and so does Oklahoma UT was robbed 45-35

The Devil Went Down To Georgia

2008-12-02T09:15:00.002-06:00

And so did Ludacris. Actually, Ludacris lives in Atlanta so he was already there. And, yes, his bow was rossened up. Or possibly he is just campaigning on behalf of Jim Martin. As we draw near the end of election season (just a few weeks after it ended) Sarah Palin is back in the limelight campaigning for Saxby Chambliss. You know. The asshat that won his seat by attacking his opponent for being too soft on terror. You know, that guy that lost three out of four limbs fighting for his country. Obviously, that guy was a total loser that lets terror get the best of him. Because that asshat couldn't really attack Martin for being soft on terror (because he has all of his arms and legs?), he had Sarah Palin come and stump for him. Why didn't he get Joe the Plumber too? It could have been a sweet reunion of hate and fear!

So, if you live in Georgia get out and vote for Jim Martin. And please take a friend with you!

This Is For You, Nervana

2008-11-30T22:32:00.003-06:00

I recently got a note from Nervana telling me that she couldn't leave any comments on my blog. I have no idea why this is happening. If I knew things like that, I would be making more money than I do. And more importantly, I would be able to fix this anti-commenting quandary. But during my weekend blog tinkering, I discovered a possible short term solution for Nervana. I found the "reactions" feature that is now at the bottom of each entry. So, Nervana, you can click away until Only Grrrl and I get this whole comment thing sorted. I hope not all of my blog entries drive you to drink.

How "New Math" Can Save The Economy

2008-11-29T21:40:00.002-06:00

"They"* are saying that people spent more this year on "Black Friday" than last year. Personally I have a hard time believing this story. I never go shopping the day after Thanksgiving mostly because large crowds of fools make me prone to rage. However, this year The Pineapple Mom lured me to the stores and I can report no rage. Not even any almost rage. Mostly because of the no people. Which was good because there wasn't much to buy. I walked away with a pair of socks and $18 pants (they were originally $70 -- what a deal!). I hardly think my small purchases really contributed to this big shopping day that the media is claiming. And with the exception of the Walmart where someone died, I wonder where all the people were. Or maybe they were all there. At that one Walmart. Because they weren't where I was. I also have a hard time believing that there is anything in a Walmart that is worth dying over or killing for. But what do I know.

In the end, I think "they" are coming up with these figures using what The Pineapple Mom always called "New Math". I'm not really sure what "New Math" is, although that term got thrown around The Pineapple House a lot about the time I got to high school.** I always thought that's what you accused math of being when either (a) you don't know how to do the math and you need an out that doesn't make you look ignorant or (b) what you call it when dumb people make shit up and claim they got there by using math. Either way, no one can confirm or deny the result. Therefore, we had a great day for the economy even though people only showed up to one Walmart in the entire country.

*I don't know who "they" is. For all I know, it is Bob From Mars.
**It was not helpful to be told what I was doing was "New Math" when I was asking for help with my homework. And then ironic when I got in trouble for making Cs when no one at home could figure it out either. I'm just saying!

tags: Thanksgiving Black Friday Walmart Shopping New Math

What This Pineapple Is Thankful For

2008-11-27T08:15:00.007-06:00

1. I am thankful that we have a smart president. Seriously, it has been hard on me to know that someone that can't even pronounce the word was in charge of the weapons. Hey, Asshat! It is Nu-cle-ar, not Nu-cu-lur. You only had eight years to learn that word.

2. I am thankful that I am not eating at Subway today. I don't want to eat trained turkeys. Actually, I don't want to eat turkey at all. We can all thank ASTRO for that. Due to a medical condition, the Pineapple family dog has to eat turkey and rice everyday. After a while, you associate turkey as being dog food. Do you want to eat dog food for Thanksgiving? I don't.

3. I am thankful that I don't have The Great Pineapple Headache of 2008 anymore. Eight is enough! Especially when you are talking about how many days you have a headache (or how many years Baby Boy Bush was POTUS). It really put a damper on the James Bond movie. I'm not exactly sure what happened. How I was the only one that walked out of there knowing that James Bond drives eco-friendly cars now is a mystery. But no matter how much I love the Pineapple Dad, I will never again celebrate his birthday by watching a really loud movie with a headache like that.

4. But they thing I am most thankful for is Sarah Palin. Like I said yesterday, she really is the gift that keeps on giving. And you will be reminded of that today as you watch the parade, the dog show, and football. Mostly because the Our Country PAC is running this ad:

Personally, I am grateful for the $150,000 wardrobe, the Katie Couric interview, that she could see Russia from her house, that Tina Fey came back to SNL just to be Sarah Palin, Palin Bingo, and for the Great Turkey Slaughter of 2008.

tags: Thanksgiving Turkey Sarah Palin Subway

Gobble Gobble, Ya'll!

2008-11-26T19:31:00.002-06:00

As I finally recover from The Great Pineapple Headache of 2008, I find that I have missed out on posting some funny blogs. I mean, how about Cheney and my dear, dear friend Alberto Gonzales being indicted! The hilarious part of that story is that the district attorney of that county is under indictment as well yet he continues to prosecute criminals. I guess it really does take criminal to know a criminal! They are all about throwing stones in glass houses in Willacy County, Texas.

Then there is Sarah Palin. She truly is the gift that keeps on giving. And that is a good thing when we are knee deep in recession. But the best part about her, is that we can really just laugh at her without that fear that she might end up in D.C on January 20th. I fully expect that her popularity will fade well before 2012, so these presidential hopes are just a ridiculous pipe dream. I think the republican governor's convention gives some weight to this theory. This downward trend in her popularity will continue especially if she gives more press conferences with animals being butchered just a few feet behind her. Next stop, the moose burger factory!

And the current president has his own turkey story just in time for the holiday. Not only is he a turkey, but he pardons them too. Well, just one. However, it turns out that they groom a number of turkeys for the presidential pardon and the turkeys that didn't make the cut this year will soon be featured in a subway sandwich near you. Seriously. Makes me glad that I don't eat turkey (or at subway for that matter)! If I did eat turkey (or at subway), just knowing that they train certain turkeys to interact with humans and then turn them into sandwiches would make me think twice about it.

Happy Thanksgiving to all and gobble gobble, ya'll!

tags: Thanksgiving Turkey Cheney Alberto Gonzales Willacy County Texas Sarah Palin Bush Subway

My Christmas List

2008-11-13T18:19:00.002-06:00

I've given a lot of thought to what I want for Christmas. In light of the economy, I have limited my list to one item. One very essential (and reasonably priced) item. I've picked a shirt that really sums up who I am: a very classy, subtle, yet stylish pineapple. Yep, this is definitely the shirt for me.

tags: pineapple shirt

Hey, Asshat! You Left The Pickle Jar Open.

2008-11-11T22:34:00.003-06:00

Again. This time it was especially fun because it was one of those ginormous jars from Costco. No doubt it was a good deal, but that's a lot of pickles (and pickle juice). Let me tell you, there is nothing better than having pickles and pickle juice come flying out of the refrigerator when you are trying to put away the leftovers from dinner. Thankfully, I can't stand the smell of pickles (due to your obsession with pickles and your bad habit of leaving pickle jars slightly open so the smell is ever-present in the refrigerator) because the whole house smells like a big fucking pickle now. I was also thankful to discover that the stove is downhill from the refrigerator because the pickle juice ran underneath it like its life depended on it. I left it to you to take care of that part of the mess. Hopefully you do a better job of cleaning that up than you did closing the pickle jar.

tags: I'm In Bit of a Pickle House

Looking for Something to Watch Tonight?

2008-11-11T09:19:00.003-06:00

Are you tired of the same old shows? Then check out Rick & Steve: The Happiest Gay Couple in All the World. I'm going to. I don't think I can pass up the opportunity to see Lego people sing songs about sperm and go to Log Cabin Republican meetings but accidentally end up at the "K K Gay" meeting instead (one wonders how different these meetings would really be). Did I mention this is a show featuring gay Lego people? The second season starts tonight on Logo, which begs the question: how did I miss the first season?

tags: Rick & Steve: The Happiest Gay Couple in All the World Logo

So, What Now?

2008-11-09T09:53:00.004-06:00

Now that the election cycle is officially over (except in the states that still haven't called their senate races), I'm wondering what I am going to do with all of my spare time. I'm afraid that I'm looking at a case of post-election depression. I now say goodbye to Mayor McCheese and The Runner Up and wonder what I am going to focus on now. My first order of business was deleting the numerous half-finished blogs that I had written over the past few weeks. And you thought I was just blowing off my blog! I just didn't like what I had to say. Ironically, one of my potential posts was about the $150,000 wardrobe debacle. Turns out that it is more like $200,000 of now missing clothes. Speaking of missing, the Mayor has had the good sense to go home and steer clear of the mass movement of throwing Sarah Palin under the bus. Not that she did them any favors, but sore losers much?

One thing that came out of this election. We now know the answer posed in Iowa, who wins: Oprah or Chuck Norris? We got our answer. Oprah.

So now I decide what to do next. Since today marks the three year anniversary of The Pineapple Report, I think it is time to make some changes. That has been the theme since Tuesday night after all. I'm thinking about a new look, a new focus, and finally updating the "blogs i like". All of the things I have been putting off for the past three years. Who knows, maybe it will be the push I need to actually blog with more frequency. Ha ha ha ha! I have certainly missed the boat for that blogging-everyday-until-your-fingers-bleed-and-you-are-forced-to-start-blogging-about-how-you-have-nothing-to-blog-about for the month of November.

I do have big plans to "go back to my roots" to comment on the strange and wonderful world that produces giant lego men, little boys named Superman and 4Real, and little girls named Le-a (pronounced "Ledahsa"). But don't worry, I will still be "reporting" on important things like the wacky world of Texas politics (the new session starts in January) and the Obama girls' new puppy.

tags: Barack Obama Election John McCain Sarah Palin The Pineapple Report Turns Three! Chuck Norris Oprah Blog Giant Lego Man 4Real Superman Le-a Texas Politics Puppies

Baby Steps, Ya'll

2008-11-04T21:03:00.003-06:00

While things are looking good for Obama nationwide, obviously Texas was called for the Mayor. While they are still counting the votes here, this is the thing that struck me: the race was too close to call in Texas for two hours. That is progress. Usually, they can call all of our statewide races almost immediately. We are still a red state, but it seems that red has faded a bit.

We Are Just Hours Away

2008-11-03T16:27:00.003-06:00

It was just a little under a week ago that I was in Obama-land. The whole time I was there I was thinking two things. One, that I wished I was going to be there on election night. Sadly, I did not win the front row tickets for the election night rally. And second, I was wondering how the people up in Chicago were ever going to figure out who they are supposed to vote for. Because I live in such a completely red state, it isn't very often that big money candidates run lots and lots of attack ads against one another. Up in Obama-land, all of the candidates are running nasty attack ads about how their opponent was involved in some scandal/committed some crime/voted with Bush. Sometimes all of the above. And then the next ad was their opponent accusing them of the same things. Good luck on Tuesday, Reba and Lauri! You are going to need it when you wade through that long ballot.

Now that I am back in Texas, I am subjected to few ads. Mostly, I see John Cornyn standing in front of a canyon or on a ranch telling me how conservative he is. These ads also explain why he did not ever write me back -- because he likes to stand around in front of canyons and on ranches. Although I felt very hopeful the other day when I actually saw a Barack Obama ad on the TV. Of course, it was on the same channel where I saw that Shannon Bennett of Austin, Texas, had to paint the Obama logo in her front yard because some jerks kept stealing her Obama yard sign. I have also had another small glimmer of hope because a family member that is a Republican is voting for Obama. Could there be more?

And it isn't just up there in Illinois that there are some heated races. It is all over the country. Not only is the presidential race tight; so are a lot of House, Senate, and local seats. This means that your vote counts. A lot. Not only should you vote, but you should get your friends, family and neighbors to vote. Make some calls, send some emails and text messages, change your facebook status, offer to give rides to the polls. Whatever you have to do to get them out there.

tags: Barack Obama Election Get Out The Vote

So What Kills A Campaign?

2008-10-26T17:48:00.003-05:00

Race baiting. Lies. Nasty campaigning. Basically all of the things the McCain campaign did. Even Fox News has declared John McCain a lost cause. What is amazing is that it isn't anything that he did. It wasn't his lies about Barack Obama, it wasn't his misguided notion that people are "fundamentals", it wasn't the GOP spending over $150,000 to dress Sarah Palin as a "hockey mom", and it wasn't any of his scandals finally biting him in the ass. It wasn't any of the things we had expected. It was a misguided, nut job named Ashley Todd that carved a backwards "B" on her face that did him in. Maybe next time she won't use a mirror when she carves initials on to her face? But seriously, the Mayor and his buddies at Fox news have been pooh-poohing the lousy poll numbers and citing some dubious polls to make things seem winnable for the Mayor.

But now, John Moody, executive vice president at Fox News, commented on his blog that "this incident could become a watershed event in the 11 days before the election. If Ms. Todd's allegations are proven accurate, some voters may revisit their support for Senator Obama, not because they are racists (with due respect to Rep. John Murtha), but because they suddenly feel they do not know enough about the Democratic nominee. If the incident turns out to be a hoax, Senator McCain's quest for the presidency is over, forever linked to race-baiting."

It seems that no matter what the outcome, it will always be linked to Barack Obama's race. For me, it is inspiring that for the first time ever there will not be some old white dude running things. But his race is irrelevant to me. However, Fox news and other conservatives cannot come to grips with the fact that Americans are fed up and see Obama as the better candidate. For them, it has to boil down to race (or race baiting as the case may be).

tags: John McCain Barack Obama Ashley Todd Fox News Sarah Palin Election Race Race-Baiting John Moody

This Is So Wrong, Yet So Right

2008-10-25T18:26:00.003-05:00

Listen to Henry "Wally" Stopher (a/k/a "Oat Willy") sing about why you should vote Obama.

The Mavericky Pineapple from Texas

2008-10-20T14:15:00.001-05:00

I'm feeling mavericky today. I could just wander around aimlessly today and not lift up my arms like my mavericky friend, Bobum.* But I'm a different kind of mavericky maverick. I'm the kind of maverick that stands up against the majority of voters in Texas by voting Democratic. And I'm going to do it today. That's right. Today. I get to vote for Barack Obama today and it feels really damn good. I get to reject the last eight years of failed republican policy today. I also get to vote for some great people running for statewide office that probably don't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning. But that's what it is like when you are mavericky. You vote against the John McCains and the John Cornyns of the world even though you know it is a losing proposition in Texas. But you do it because it is the right thing to do. That, and you get a really cool "I Voted" sticker.

*He will be mavericky in the voting way, too. Just maybe not today.

Joe Sixpack vs. Joe the Plumber

2008-10-16T16:38:00.004-05:00

There's been a lot of talk about "Joe". First there was all this "Joe Sixpack" business. I mean is that much better than being "John Q. Public" or "John Doe"? Because that is what they (as in the Republican Fuck Squad) are talking about when they use this term. Joe Sixpack is a term that means all apathetic Americans that don't really factor into their politics at all. They should just be honest and say and "all the Americans that I don't give a shit about because you don't give a shit about me" instead of Joe Sixpack. Of course, honesty is not the strong suit for Mayor McCheese or for Caribou Barbie.

But "Joe the Plumber" is all the rage today. So who is this dude? Well, his real name is Joe Wurzelbacher from Ohio. But this is who he really is: a jackass that doesn't have a plumber's license and has no real plan to buy a business (and that business does not make more than $250,000 a year). Just in case you are wondering, in Ohio you have to have a license to operate as a plumber. I looked it up. And now that everyone knows that he and his employer are operating without a license, he may not have to worry about paying taxes at all when he is out of a job. Also, kudos to the fact checkers working for the Mayor! As always, you do a stellar job. Keep up the good work.

So as Mayor McCheese made his case for "Joe the Plumber" over 20 times last night, he was really going to bat for someone just as foolish, dishonest and irresponsible as himself. That's just neat! In the end, I'd rather hang with Joe Sixpack because he's honest about who he is and, most importantly, he's got a six pack.

tags: Joe Sixpack Six Pack Joe Plumber Wurzelbacher Ohio John McCain Sarah Palin Barack Obama President Debate

WWMD?

2008-10-05T14:13:00.002-05:00

So what would a maverick do? Something "mavericky", of course!

If you live in a market where your local NBC affiliate couldn't work it out with Time Warner, you weren't able to watch the VP debate on Saturday Night Live. I have that problem and frankly, it is too much trouble to unhook the cable and attach an antenna to watch a few shows on NBC, so I've opted for viewing them online. Therefore, I have been a lazy blogger and posted a blog that is basically just a video without any useful or witting commentary. So, for those of you not watching that important football game because you got screwed over, enjoy something you could have been watching last night.

tags: VP Vice President Debate Tina Fey Saturday Night Live SNL NBC Time Warner

The Word of Today is "Guilty"

2008-10-04T09:20:00.002-05:00

As in O.J. Simpson was found guilty on all 12 counts stemming from a confrontation in a hotel room last year, including armed robbery and kidnapping. He went into the trial acting all cocky like he can break any law in the world without getting in trouble. Guess he isn't feeling so cocky today, huh? Ironically, his guilty verdict came in 13 years to the day he got away with murder. Karma is an ironic bitch, isn't it?

tags: O.J. Simpson trial guilty armed robbery kidnapping

No Bingo For Pineapple

2008-10-03T06:30:00.004-05:00

First of all, the debate was a disappointment because I didn't win at Palin Bingo. So that totally sucked. Of course, the downside of playing Palin Bingo is that you have to carefully listen to every single, grating word the Runner-Up had said. This is why I feel like I am an expert on the Vice Presidential Debate. Because I didn't spend very much time taunting and making fun. I mostly listened. While I was impressed with the Runner-Up's ability to actually complete coherent thoughts about issues, I was more amazed that she managed to only directly answer two questions all night. For example, when asked about Pakistan she completely failed to mention that country in her answer. I know this because "Pakistan" was on my bingo card. So basically she had some prepared answers and she gave then no matter what the question was. And then she would wink or say "you know". I can't believe Biden only called her out one time for not answering the question. I guess he doesn't like to repeat himself that many times.

But the most appalling thing was that Biden had to give The Runner-Up a civics lesson. Which goes to show, that they have not fully prepped her about what a Vice President really does and what their Constitutional duties are. Or, she asked Dick Cheney. From her answer last night, that appears to be the case. There were two lawyers in the room watching and we were both stunned into silenced by her answer about how she wants to expand the powers of the Vice President in its flexible role of being part of the Executive Branch (convenient when you want to avoid subpoenas) and being part of the Legislative Branch (convenient when you want to make unconstitutional laws). Maybe she can out-Cheney Cheney by figuring out how the Vice President is also part of the Judicial Branch? Just fuck the Constitution to hell, why don't ya?

tags: Palin Bingo Vice President Debate Joe Biden

Why Aren't People Talking About These Things?

2008-09-27T10:39:00.001-05:00

Everybody is all, "blah, blah, blah, so and so absolutely won the debate last night." Whatever. Let's talk about some of the stupid shit that came out of John McCain's mouth last night. No one else seems to be talking about it so I will. First, he led his opening statement on his "sad note" of Ted Kennedy being in the hospital. Guess what, Mayor McCheese? He had already gone home well before you started because he wanted to watch the debate from home. Way to come out the gate looking like a fool.

But the thing that really sent everyone I watched the debate with in to peals of laughter is when he used the example of the North Koreans being shorter than the South Koreans as an example of how bad North Korea is. Does John McCain have a height requirement to be his friend? I mean his decision making process is a lot like a roller coaster so it stands to reason. "You must be at least this tall to be a friend to the United States." Maybe customs can get some new signs. If you aren't tall enough you can't even come in our country.

Also, we very much enjoyed how he made faces every time Barack Obama spoke, how he refused to look at Barack Obama or even address him directly no matter how many time Jim Lehrer asked him to. He may as well have put his hands over his ears and yelled, "I'm right and you're wrong" over and over. Do people really want such a brat as their president? It seems that the answer may be "no". The poll taken by CBS immediately after the debate indicated that Barack Obama got a big boost among the undecided voters. After the week Mayor McCheese has had, he does not look anything like a president. He looks like a liar that can't make decisions or be a useful part of Senate negotiations. And that's what I thought about the debate.

tags: Politics Election 2008 Presidential Debate Barack Obama John McCain Ted Kennedy North Koreans Are Short And Evil

No Man Can Eat 50 Eggs

2008-09-27T10:14:00.000-05:00

RIP, Paul Newman

tags: Paul Newman No Man Can Eat 50 Eggs Cool Hand Luke

Dirty, Unnecessary Lies

2008-09-25T09:36:00.002-05:00

At this point, my level of disgust has reach new, unprecedented heights. It is a real shame that my migraine has kept me from the gym for the past few days. My ass would be so small if I could have worked out! You know, Baby Boy Bush and his "bailout" just weren't bad enough. The thought of giving him another blank check is enough to give me a brain aneurysm.

Next, we were subjected to Sarah Palin attempting to get foreign affairs experience by meeting with world leaders. The content of those conversations basically amounted to how pretty she is. No wonder they wanted to keep the reporters out and only let the photographers in. At this point, she has only shown us that she and Condi are really good at the matching chair photo op thing.

But the real low(so far this week)? Lying to David Letterman. What the hell is that about, Mayor McCheese? You say you are suspending your campaign and flying immediately to Washington. So what do you do? Meet with your new redneck-hating pal (Lady Lynn Forester de Rothschild), not to mention few other political appearances in NYC, and then you give an interview to Katie Couric at the same time you had been scheduled to be on Letterman. I'm sure that this is exactly how you suspend a campaign when you use the John McCain definition of "suspend". It seems that his poor academic record is taking its toll because the Mayor is completely unaware of the the plain language meaning of basic words (like "fundamentals" and "suspend" for starters). But I have some advice (other than buying a fucking dictionary): stop telling lies, Pinocchio, because your nose is growing! And in case you missed it, here is David Letterman:

It Is Time To Play "Name That Senator"!

2008-09-18T21:03:00.006-05:00

Who made the following statements today made about Sarah Palin? And these were made even before we got to see her "enlightening" interview with Hannity where the two of them only were allowed to use the words "reform", "ruffle feathers" and "cronyism" the entire time.* See if you can Name That Senator!

1. "She doesn't have any foreign policy credentials. You get a passport for the first time in your life last year? I mean, I don't know what you can say. You can't say anything."

2. "I think it's a stretch to, in any way, to say that she's got the experience to be president of the United States."

3. "I think they ought to be just honest about it and stop the nonsense about, 'I look out my window and I see Russia and so therefore I know something about Russia,'" he said. "That kind of thing is insulting to the American people."

4. "But I do think in a world that is so complicated, so interconnected and so combustible, you really got to have some people in charge that have some sense of the bigger scope of the world. I think that's just a requirement."

If you answered Republican Senator Chuck Hagel to all of the above, then you would be 100%, exactly right!

*Won't it be fun when Tina Fey comes back to SNL to reprise her role as Palin?!?

tags: Sarah Palin Republican Senator Chuck Hagel

The Palin of Spain Falls Mainly on McCain

2008-09-18T20:24:00.003-05:00

Did you know that Spain is apparently in Latin America? And that McCain won't commit to meeting with the Prime Minister of Spain? You know, one of our few remaining allies? In an interview with a Spanish media outlet, he seemed awfully confused about where Spain might be located and he never really answered the question about meeting with Zapartero. Instead he started talking about only meeting with people that are friendly to us and are in Latin America. He also talked a little about Mexico. I guess you can't expect much from people that are supported by people that call people "rednecks". You could use "the googles" and listen to the whole interview, or just read this excerpt and really get a grasp on the interview:

INTERVIEWER: OK, what about Europe? I'm talking about the president of Spain.

McCAIN: What about me what?

INTERVIEWER: Ok, are you willing to meet with him if you are elected president?

McCAIN: I am willing to meet with any leader who is dedicated to the same principles and philosophy that we are for human rights, democracy and freedom, and I will stand up to those who are not.

Mayor McCheese's camp responded by saying that he meant to answer the question like that. I guess his keepers don't know where Spain is either.

tags: Spain McCain Zapatero

I Own An Insurance Company!

2008-09-17T19:00:00.002-05:00

And if you paid your taxes, so do you! Isn't it super neat to know that you own an interest in 80% of A.I.G.? I don't know about you, but I really like having a mandatory financial portfolio. Especially one that invests strictly in black holes of debt. That is what living in a capitalistic market is all about, right? It looks like there is a possibility of WaMu and Stanley Morgan being featured as apart of my brand new mandatory portfolio. All made possible by the Deregulation King, Phil Gramm (you know the guy "not" still advising John McCain on the economy)! And the other great thing about my new mandatory portfolio? It is good for my ass.

tags: It's The Economy, Stupid! AIG Phil Gramm John McCain Things That Are Good For My Ass

The Day The World Stood Still

2008-09-15T21:25:00.002-05:00

How about Mayor McCheese and Public Enemy #2 (Phil Gramm, only second to slow-acting Greenspan)? After the big fun on Wall Street this morning, the Mayor kept on the track set out by Phil Gramm (his secret economic advisor and front runner to be Secretary of the Treasury) telling us that the fundamentals of the economy are strong but that he would clean up Wall Street. You may recall Phil Gramm as the one who made our mental recession possible (and would be a good bet to lead us into a DEPRESSION should the Mayor appoint him to the aforementioned Cabinet position). He is also the one that called you a whiner because you can't afford luxury items like food and gasoline.

When Joe Biden fired back at the bullshit (I'm so glad he is back in the game), the Mayor backpedaled by saying that workers are the fundamentals of the economy. If you say so, Mayor, but I've never heard of people being described as being "fundamentals". I think it is definitely a sign of mental recession when the stock market drops 500 points after we learn that the financial sector is collapsing slowly but surely. By the way, The Runner Up was campaigning in La-la-land where she spouted off that she was glad that the government didn't spend any money bailing out Lehman today. Guess what? The stock market only dropped 500 points (the biggest drop since the markets opened after 9/11) because the government is releasing tax payer dollars to soften the blow, bitch.

And what a big week for Tina Fey, I mean Sarah Palin. Unless you have been asleep since Saturday night, you know that Tina Fey did an outstanding job of playing The Runner-Up. In fact, the dumbasses on Fox & Friends thought it was great, too. Were they not paying attention to what was going on? They think it was the best impression ever done on an episode on SNL. I just about fell over when "Hillary" started talking about how she is absolutely opposed to the "Bush Doctrine" to which "Sarah" giggles that she doesn't know what that is. No shit. And just in case you were wondering, the skit was deemed "sexist" by Mayor McCheese's advisors...

But speaking of the "Bush Doctrine", by god did The Runner-Up know who was interviewing her. Did anyone count how many times she said "Charlie"? I'm curious to know. Seriously, did anyone take a count? While she did a great job of pretending she was confident it was obvious that she does not know anything about anything outside of Alaska and all of her childhood friends she appointed to government positions. Certainly not Ireland, you know one of the places her staff had to retract as a place she had visited because she was merely on a plane that landed to refuel there and she never stepped of the plane. Also, she never went to Iraq as she initially claimed. Surprise! Another lie! And way to go Rudy Giuliani, trying to defend The Runner-Up by stating that there is more than one "Bush Doctrine" and that even Wikipedia lists more than the one Charlie Gibson cited. However, it seems that in the end even Wikipedia agrees with Charlie.

And the most baffling thing? Karl Rove! The day that Karl Rove says that you've gone too far is the day the world stops turning on its axis for a moment. And that day was Sunday when Karl Rove basically called the Mayor a liar.

tags: Politics President Economy John McCain Phil Gramm Mental Recession Joe Biden Sarah Palin Tina Fey SNL Bush Doctrine Charlie Gibson Cronyism Alaska Rudy Giuliani Wikipedia Karl Rove